Success is not measured by money alone

I HAVE just come back from a talk at Mallow Street Hall in Limerick where the speaker, Brian Gault, from the Isle of Man shared about his life. What struck me was his attitude towards life and its challenges despite the fact that he was born with no hands, yes, no hands, being the victim of the Thalidomide disaster. Thalidomide is a sedative drug introduced in the late 1950s that was used to treat morning sickness and to aid sleep. It was sold from 1957 until 1961, when it was withdrawn after being found to be a teratogen, a substance that causes birth defects. Brian did not just remain a victim of a mistake. At a young age, he learnt how to use his legs and toes for most of the tasks that we carry out with our hands. He had to suffer the looks and unkind taunts of other children. But he developed into a remarkable young man, full of personality. The best part was together with his wife, May, Brian went on to carry out charitable work among other Thalidomide victims in Brazil, a life of service to others. To me, a life of service to others is my definition of success. Success is doing the things that I perceive are valuable to myself and beneficial to others. It is a strange phenomenon where the more you give, the more you receive. However, to many others, success equals the first million dollars made. That reminds me of a conversation I had with well-meaning friends who were discussing their children's success stories.

As a number of our children are doctors, inevitably we talked about what makes a successful doctor. I could sum up the conversation as: a successful doctor is one who makes a lot of money, one who leaves the home country to work in another country because of a lucrative salary and one who chooses to specialise in an area, for example plastic surgery, that would surely bring in loads of money. I wonder how many parents actually encourage their children to give back to society and use their professions to do charitable deeds. I remember when my eldest daughter asked me for advice concerning her posting to a hospital to do her housemanship. I advised her to go to a place where doctors were scarce and medical facilities were lacking. In short, I was telling her to go where there was a need instead of city hospitals that were overcrowded with intern doctors. To other parents, I sounded weird and uncaring. When she was actually posted to a far-flung corner of the country, concerned parents came to sympathise with me. The best part was she was actually happy. Epicurus, the Greek philosopher said: "It is not what we have but what we enjoy that constitutes our abundance". Success is experiencing intangibles, such as the ability to make a difference, to feel a sense of accomplishment and to maintain a desirable balance between the world out there and the world within. This to me eclipses the size of a pay cheque. If we do not define our own meaning of success then we are caught in the socially programmed default settings of success, which usually means money. When Brian ended the talk by autographing his book with his toes and proclaiming that he is wonderfully made, despite the birth defect, I felt something move within me. In two days' time, we will embrace a new year. This is a good time for looking back to the past and also forward to the coming year. As with every new year, we make resolutions and break them or faithfully try to keep them. It is a good time to reflect on the changes we want or need to make. I will have to sit down and think through what I would want to do in 2013 -- for myself, my family and all those that I come in contact with.

Read more: Success not measured by money alone - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/success-not-measured-by-money-alone-1.193259#ixzz2GXPV3ing Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/success-not-measured-by-money-alone-1.193259

Chilling consequences of dark winter thoughts

Each year, the winter solstice sun penetrates the chamber of the passage tomb at Newgrange in County Meath, on the eastern side of Ireland. A narrow beam of light penetrates the roof-box and reaches the floor of the chamber and as the sun rises higher, the beam widens so that the whole room is dramatically lighted up. This annual phenomenon lasts for 17 minutes, beginning around 9 a.m. from December 19 – 23. As I stand in the darkness waiting for the light to pierce through, I am reminded of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Anthem’. There is a line that goes, ‘ There is a crack in everything…That’s how the light gets in..’ A paradox indeed.

The crack to me symbolises imperfection. Imperfection can be anything ranging from disappointments, unfulfilled expectations and broken promises to flaws. Life unfortunately is full of these which become fissures or cracks in our subconscious. It is not uncommon to hear of people in my neighbourhood go into depression and then take their lives when they could see no way out. According to the Irish Central, Ireland’s suicide rate now stands at a shocking 600 deaths per year – and it is believed that the figure is rising as the country experiences the pain of recession. Apparently, in every 57 seconds someone calls the Samaritans with suicidal feelings and the majority of callers are men in their 30s.

As the year draws to a close, I seem to hear a lot of people getting depressed. Some refer to the winter months as the hard months or the “dark ages” as the midshipmen at the Naval Academy say. They feel that the weather prevents them from doing their normal outdoor activities. They miss the sunshine and feel locked in. I am not a medical doctor but much has also been said about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, winter blues, summer depression, summer blues, or seasonal depression. This is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter, summer, spring or autumn year after year.

Some winter depression busters according to experts are watching the level of sugar intake, stocking up on Omega-3, joining a gym, wearing bright colours and making a concerted effort to go outside the house. Taking up challenging projects that contribute towards society also helps. It seems cliché to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot imagine what goes on in the mind of a person who contemplates taking his own life but I am sure it is very, very dark indeed. How sad it is to know of people you have talked to one day who were gone the next. The only thing that comes through my mind is to cling on to hope. Hope that things will change, hope that things will become better. If only we can stand fast and wait for that word of comfort, that person, that idea or that miracle. If only we can wait for the light of dawn to break.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/chilling-consequences-of-dark-winter-thoughts-1.186714#

NEW AGE COMMUNICATION OR A LACK OF IT

I was at a restaurant recently and while waiting for my plate of grilled fish to arrive, I decided to look around at the other customers who were also waiting for their meals. A 40-something couple sat at table A, a 30-something couple with a child sat at table B, a group of 20- something at table C and a courting couple sat at table D. The 40-something couple whom I suspected must be husband and wife had their drinks served. They were both sipping their drinks and reading something off their smart phones. At table B, the 30-something husband was busy talking on his smart phone while his wife tended to the fidgety child. At table C, every one had a laptop or iPad and was very busy with it. Then at table D, the courting couple was actually looking into each other’s eyes and talking and laughing. When my grilled fish finally arrived, I merrily tucked in and forgot about the other customers around me. Then before I got up to leave the restaurant, I decided to take one last look at my neighbours once again. The couple at table A was eating and still reading something off the smart phones. At table B, the husband was still busy talking on his smart phone and eating his fried squids but his wife was carrying the child and walking up and down the restaurant probably to calm him down. At table C, everyone was eating and reading from the laptop or iPad. Multi tasking I presume. Then at table D, the courting couple was eating and feeding each other as they had ordered different types of food and probably wanted to taste the great variety served. I enjoyed my fish thoroughly but I was utterly shocked at how new age communication or the lack of it had evolved so far that it had become the norm. Except for table D, what happened to real life communication over a good meal? Everyone was actually bodily present but the mind, heart and soul were in cyber space.

Having said that, it reminds me that some people prefer to collect as many face book friends as possible rather than meeting and making friends with real humans in bodily form. I also know people who actually quarrel with cyber pals in forums or engage in cyber extramarital affairs. I remember the days before the internet became an integral part of our lives. We actually had friends, preferred outdoor activities, phoned and visited each other. I am sure many still do that now but with the endless stream of computer games and other techno gizmos, it gets harder to leave the familiar couch especially now when it is winter. When the days are short and the nights are long, to actually make up your mind to go out in the cold is a battle in itself.

I have just come back from an evening lecture on local history. When someone takes the trouble to remind you of the lecture and makes the effort to walk with you to the venue, you can feel the difference. As you walk, with the wind blowing in your faces and hands snugly tucked in the pockets, you can share the excitement of going for the lecture. Then as the lecture ends, again with the wind blowing in your faces but this time with hands waving in animated fashion, you can stand united and criticise the presentation by assuming an unfounded authority of the subject matter. That is when you are glad that you have real friends and family who are there with you in totality- with no iPAD in between.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/new-age-communication-or-a-lack-of-it-1.179680?cache=03D163D03edding-pred-1.1176%2F%3FpFpentwage63Dp%3A%2Fhe3D03Dn63Frea-rti3D19.3D163D03edding-pred-1.1176%2F%3FpFpentwage63Dp%3A%2Fhe3D03Dn63Frea-rti3D19.111w5ii%2Fed-1.1176%2F%2F2.2525%2F2.2525%2F1.331200%3Fcache%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%3Fkey%3DMalaysia%3Fpage%3D0

TO GO OR NOT TO GO

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference

'THE ROAD NOT TAKEN' by Robert Frost has been well used to depict many things and one of course is about matters of the heart. How many of us have been caught in the predicament of having to choose one or the other or having to stay put or to move on? No one can give you answers but ultimately you have to decide because therein lies your happiness and your future. The scenario of whether to keep on surviving in a family or to live your life is present and very real. We may not want to talk about it but someday sometime we will need to take stock or forever live to die in a world of the living. As with every major move taken there are advantages and disadvantages. It takes great resolve and determination and courage to step out, to analyse and to decide. I am talking about marriage and divorce. Traditionally for a married person there is only one road: staying put. This is well and fine when things are in order But the difficult part is even if the world collapses you are expected to stay put because marriage comes as a package and there is no back door. I speak mostly for the woman who often puts others before herself, particularly her children. But reality says there are two roads: staying put or moving on. So we weigh the pros and cons. This may be simplistic but generally true.

STAYING PUT IN A MARRIAGE WROUGHT WITH PROBLEMS- What are the Advantages? The family is intact. The children are spared the physical and emotional pain of separation especially if they are still young.There is a 50-50 chance that things may improve through hard work, communication or divine intervention.There will be no condemnation heaped on you from religious bodies, family and friends. There will be praises for you as the unsung hero who has brought the family through. What are the Disadvantages? Lots of stress, tears and unhappiness.Feelings of being shortchanged.Feelings of being taken for granted and advantaged of.Always wondering about the road not taken. Possible ‘cold wars’ during retirement years when both of you can no longer communicate. Your responsibility of taking care of the kids is over as they have flown the nest. You are 2 strangers living in a hotel called marriage. Possibility of problems remaining as they are with no change. Worse, more problems may occur.Tendency to escape through fantasy, real or cyber relationships with the opposite sex because consciously or unconsciously you are seeking to fill the void in your soul.Tendency for other males to gravitate towards you because the void in you will manifest itself unknowingly.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAY PUT A resilient spirit, a non-complaining spirit, knowing that God is your best confidante and anchor. Do not wash your dirty linen in public. Confide in very close friends only.Cut off ALL intimate relationships with other men or women, real or in cyberspace which are robbing family time, husband-wife time. Such relationships can be a crutch, a fantasy. All three (husband, wife, other person) will feel cheated and hurt.Work at communication. Seek professional help if necessary.

MOVING ON TO PRESERVE YOU SANITY- What are the Advantages? A sense of freedom and joy that you have not felt for years. A liberation indeed from the shackles. The yoke on your shoulder has been lifted. No additional burdens, worries or unpleasant surprises from him/her. A time to explore new and better relationships. A time for your children to be more matured, more responsible, more realistic and kinder and appreciative towards others. What are the Disadvantages?

FEELINGS of anger, sadness, depression, helplessness, loneliness, and guilt. You will need good friends for support and go for a ‘guilt-free’ programme. Self help programmes are available via the internet. Children may not be able to accept the new situation. Solution: start preparing them now.

RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS and SOME FRIENDS will condemn you. Colleagues will gossip. This is when you find out who your true friends are. Solution: delete all wounding mail. Trash belongs to the trashcan. You don’t need anyone’s approval for what you want to do, esp. so when the person hasn’t walked the mile with you. Confide in people who care enough.

INDEPENDENCE: Everything is in your hands now – the leaking faucet, the fused wire, the punctured tyre, income tax returns etc. Solution: start being independent: get contacts for technicians, plumbers etc. You might be fleeced by unscrupulous people out to make a fast buck from a divorcee…….but what is a little money lost compared to sanity of mind?

PAIN: The whole process of divorce is painful. Leaving or seeing the other pack the bags and leave. Meeting in court. Seeing him/her pick the children up after the divorce. If both parties are agreeable, divorce in Malaysia is granted after 6 months. If one party contests, the tug-of-war will last 2 years or more. The cost varies. The longer the proceedings take, the more expensive it is. Adjusting to divorce is a process that takes time, so allow yourself time to heal and remember to focus on one day at a time.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOU CHOOSE TO MOVE ON? A lot of will power, focus, independence and determination. Knowing that you have thought it through carefully and given your best shot. Knowing that you can walk away without regrets or fear of condemnation. Knowing that you deserve better, a piece of heaven on earth. Some people who genuinely care for you.

HELPFUL REMINDERS You only live once and you are responsible for your own happiness. Whatever road you take, be at peace with God. Do not be affected by what others say or think. Your life is yours, not theirs. In a relationship, both parties should live. If one party is living while the other party is dying, which party do you want to be? God loves you no matter which road you take. Going to heaven or hell does NOT depend on good or failed relationships. Take some time out to think. If you go somewhere faraway for a few weeks, you will see the big picture, and that will help you decide the road you wish to take.

Free at Last

Living life as it is wins hands down

HAVING left the working world a few years ago, the question of whether I should return to the working world with all its grind and glory does pose a temptation at times. This is especially so when I go out shopping and shopkeepers wonder if I had taken a day off and I would smile and politely say that every day is a day off to me. Then there are friends who are still going to the office daily and they would tell me the happenings of the day. The greatest temptation is when someone offers me a lucrative job. I certainly do not miss the traffic jam, the office politics, the red tape or the injustices. But truth be told, I miss teaching. Period.

So, I would go through this long mental debate of whether I should go out into the dog-eat-dog world again, feel those extra wads of cash in my pocket, see the faces of my students and why I opted out in the first place. The result is always the same: living life as it is wins hands down.

It is living life in its raw simplicity, seeing things through the eyes of a child -- full of curiosity and amazement. I enjoy animated films because they are creative and fun, the most recent being Hotel Transylvania where Dracula with all his fangs bites no one. I enjoy comic heroes like Superman, Spiderman or Batman because they are larger than life. They suspend reality and portray the element of hope. It is living life in celebration of my strengths and trying to achieve a good balance between who I am and what I want to be. It is a space where I have carved for myself to nurture my self worth which is no longer defined by an academic degree or a pay cheque or a life in a prestigious enclave of the city with the rich and famous. Mark Twain says, "A man cannot be comfortable with himself without his own approval." I can retreat into my creative side and make cards or paint or write or read. I can be a friend by inviting others to my home anytime for home brewed tea and egg sandwiches. Speaking of which, after two years of waiting for the carpenter, the electrician and the contractor, I finally have a room that screams of my presence everywhere. It bears distinctive touches of its mistress: a world of collectibles, childhood memories and sepia-toned photographs. It is a room where yet another string can be added to my bow, and I can be stronger. I have decided to name it Howards End after E.M. Forster's novel which revolves around refuge and ownership.

It is living life in the knowledge that we make mistakes again and again but we can heal and recover. It is when we go through a variety of experiences that we can empathise with others and offer a shoulder for someone else to cry on. It is living life with more time in my hands. There is no clocking in or clocking out. I can go to bed late without worrying about the alarm clock. I can sleep in if the winds are still howling outside and the frost is building up. I can refuse to leave the warm duvet and instead watch the birds fight over the unfortunate worm that has decided to wriggle out of the damp ground. I can just choose to take that carrot or that chunk of meat out of the refrigerator as and when I want to cook without having to pre-plan the meal the night before. It is certainly easier to make adjustments, to pack the bags and go for a holiday or to attend to an urgent matter without having to apply for leave It is living life in anticipation of what is to come. Autumn with its mellow fruitfulness is almost over. The leaves are falling and covering the sidewalks and soon winter will be here. My coats, hats, boots and gloves will resurface from the closet and I will have great fun coordinating what goes with what. It is also living with the excitement that my children have grown a little older, a little more mature and independent and a lot more precious. It is feeling happy in one's own skin. It is to be content.

Read more: Living life as it is wins hands down - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/living-life-as-it-is-wins-hands-down-1.172749#ixzz2Cae9rqEI

Some things you treasure, some you cast aside

WHEN we think of Vikings we normally associate them with brutality and plundering. It is no wonder that in ancient times people lived in fear of their raids. So, they built round towers. Scattered around Ireland are the remains of 65 round towers. Mostly built between the 7th and 10th centuries, these towers can be as high as 34m. I had the privilege of visiting two handsome round towers at Clonmacnoise in County Offaly: the O'Rourke tower and McCarthy's Tower. They are a unique Irish form of architecture and a puzzle as to why they were built. Some antiquarians say that these towers were lookouts for approaching raiders. They provided refuge from attacking Vikings and could also double as places to hide treasure. Round towers usually have a single door two to three metres above the ground. Those escaping from the Vikings would climb up a portable ladder and enter the tower. Once the last man or the last box of treasure was safely inside the tower, the ladder was removed.

Looking at the towers made me take stock of the treasures of our lives. If faced with marauding raiders, what kind of precious things do we want to stash away? Money is one of them.

In my father's time, I have heard of very miserly people who would eat rice porridge dribbled with soya sauce for most meals and upon their death, stacks of cash were found strapped to the mattress. I have heard of little old ladies bringing in rusty Milo tins to the jewellers. Inside those tins were thick gold chains and precious stones of every kind to exchange for cash. To me, the treasures that I would like to store are traits that money cannot buy: living responsibly, meeting a need and making a better choice. The phenomenon of the irresponsible young is everywhere, be it on the big screen or in reality. It is a generation of "me first" and the world "owes me a living". When these young people do not have what they want, they take to the streets to loot and to strike fear in others. Recent riots in developed cities bear testimony to that. It makes me wonder whose fault it is that they have become slothful and selfish. The British Broadcasting Corporation aired a programme on living with the Amish recently. It showed how six British teenagers volunteered to experience a totally different lifestyle in the Amish community. One of the most admirable tenets of the Amish is the simple lifestyle that is built around family, religion and hard work. So, for these teenagers who never laid a hand on housework and slept till way past sunrise, this experience with the Amish was a treasure that humbled them. Lastly, the power of making the better choice is also within our hands. We can choose how we think and how we react to a situation. Having said that, I am reminded of a trip to Galway recently. It was a much planned for trip but as the Irish weather is no respecter of plans, it started to rain. The rain then gave way to sleet.

Galway is a place with lovely streets, where artistes put up acts and vendors ply their wares. I could continue to walk in the sleet and rain without an umbrella or an anorak and risk coming down with the sniffles or I could agree with the suggestion that it would be better to turn back and go home. It was with great reluctance that I chose the latter but not without a million grumbles going through my mind: If I had driven the car it would be different; if this had been Kuala Lumpur it would be different; if I had come on my own it would have been different .... So, with a mental act of resolve, I pictured all the grumbles as little bits of coal. I put the coal, one by one, into a bag, sealed it and put it into the bin. Why coal, I wondered to myself. Possibly because coal can ignite and coal can diffuse. Strangely once the bag of coal was in the bin, I felt better. The journey home was pleasant enough and we stopped by Mother Hubbard's for a glorious meal. Galway can wait.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/some-things-you-treasure-some-you-cast-aside-1.166181

SWEEP THE SOOT FROM YOUR LIFE TO CLEAR THE AIR

              

MY only image of the chimney sweep is from the film Mary Poppins, where all the chimney sweeps break out in song as they Step in Time. I imagine small and skinny humans squeezing through age-old chutes and then presto, their blackened faces appear out of the chimneys like a jack-in-the-box.

So, when our chimneys got stuck, I was secretly excited about meeting the chimney sweep. I know we are living in the new millennium but I am a lover of all things vintage and I was secretly hoping to see a faint likeness of the chimney sweep of my imagination.

The tradition of a chimney sweep bringing luck is an age-old one, especially to the bride and groom on their wedding day. Legend has it that 200 years ago, a chimney sweep bravely stepped out and stopped King George II's horse and coach as it bolted. He was so grateful to the sweep for saving his life that he decreed that all sweeps were lucky!

 When the door bell rang, a man called Paul announced his mission for the day. First, he was tall and burly and not skinny and small. So, I crossed that characteristic off of my list expectations on how a chimney sweep should look like Next, he was fair and not covered in soot either. My disappointment continued to rise and when he carried in the hoover (that is what they call the vacuum cleaner over here) I was transported back to the 21st century again. Almost immediately Paul got to work. I had a lovely time watching Paul clean the chimneys and my zero knowledge of stoves and fireplaces made him a happy teacher. He assembled the segments of a very long brush and pushed it through the chimney and I had to watch from the outside of the house if anything came out of the chimney. Truth be told when I went outside to look at the roof, I was not even sure which chimney the brush would pop out from! I laughed at my ignorance and that most people will not give much thought to something until it is broken. So, imagine my joy when I saw the brush (and not a human head) popping out of the chimney.

To make work fun, we chatted on food, country and family -- my three favourite topics. He was curious as to where I was from and we talked about the weather -- how hot and humid Malaysia is and how cold and damp Ireland is.

He commented that I looked good and I quipped that it must be the Malaysian humidity that keeps our skin supple and takes 10 years off our faces. When I saw the amount of soot and dirt that Paul dislodged from the chimneys I could not help but compare it with the amount of soot and dirt that we carry with us throughout our lives.

I remember when I met my friend Susan Bryson for the first time, I thought she looked really beautiful and youthful. Apart from good genes, she said the countenance reflects the attitude one has towards life. And it is not uncommon to see what we carry in our hearts and souls emanating from our faces -- just like soot and dirt clogging up a chimney.

In fact, there is a proverb that goes, "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit". How good it is to clear the blocked ducts in our lives: the bad memories and the hurt. Max Lucado, a best-selling writer once said, "Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realising that you were the prisoner".

 In no time, Paul finished the chimney sweeping. Before he left, we tried to start a fire to check whether the airway was clear. Almost like magic, I could feel the heat roaring through and the chimneys puffing like dragons. I have heard of the quintessential milkman brightening up a housewife's dull day, but when the chimney sweep comes a-calling, he clears the air that I breathe!

Read more: Sweep the soot from your life to clear the air - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/sweep-the-soot-from-your-life-to-clear-the-air-1.159713#ixzz29x9Ux0J2

A Need for Women to Recharge

After a good year of giving out dazzling beams in the dark, my garden lights have decided to shut down. So I frantically looked for answers as to how to rejuvenate them and when men gave conflicting suggestions, I turned to my trusty source of speedy information – the internet.

That was the beginning of my lessons on solar energy and the myriad of batteries on supermarket shelves: Nickel-cadmium (Ni-Cd), NiMH, energisers and others. I removed the lid of each light to reveal a simple circuit pattern. I checked with the diagram on the webpage. A perfect match indeed. I was certainly making inroads into a world that was hitherto unknown to me. I thought it was a splendid invention indeed, how solar energy could be harnessed to power simple domestic objects. Most importantly, what struck me was the need for re-charging. Same as humans. Women, especially need to be re-charged because they are givers most of the time. Whether we are wives, carers, mothers, daughters - at home or at the workplace- we are on duty 24/7, public holidays included. Without realising it, we become so committed and responsible and this in itself becomes an imprisonment with no early parole for good behaviour. Truth be told, there is a need to escape from the madness called routine. Those who work outside the home have weekends off but this can be a misnomer as weekends are usually used to clean the house and to catch up with other domestic chores left undone during the week. Those who are homemakers may face a tougher job in trying to define the concept. They may even have to convince the uninitiated, particularly the husband and the children, that homemaking is actually a round-the-clock sentry job and being a stay at home mother is not exactly akin to playing mah-jong and watching soap operas all the time. We all need to be re-charged.

Have you ever seen how droopy plants spring to life almost immediately when we water them? Or how a hungry baby grabs a milk bottle? When we are re-charged, then only do we have so much more to give to others - something different, something new, something exciting. Even if we run on petrol or diesel we will stall along the way unless we manoeuvre ourselves to a nearby kiosk and get re-filled. We just cannot perform at optimum levels all the time. Recharging can be anything that ranges from shopping, going on a holiday or just being out of the home. It is said that shopping is excellent retail therapy as when we are up, we shop and when we are down, we shop even more. Tammy Faye Bakker once said that shopping is a great deal cheaper than having to go see a psychiatrist regularly.

Recharging can be going to the movies. Even with satellite television and Dvds, to me nothing beats watching movies on the big screen and chomping delicious morsels complete with piping hot latte as I watch actors and actresses fly towards me in 3-D version. Recharging can be sipping coffee in the company of friends, whether in a café or at home where the air is pregnant with the smell of piping hot scones in the oven. It is the sharing of both the serious and the trivial that we enter into different worlds and get a glimpse of another person’s life and feel privileged to be privy to it. So now I am enjoying the ultimate recharging process. I am on vacation back in my home country among the familiar. The epitome of a decadent lifestyle of feasting and relaxing and catching up with friends and loved ones. I remind myself constantly that if I soak up enough sun, then my winter nights ahead will be very warm indeed.

Learning from the birds

I USED to keep birds in cages but not anymore. Now I am learning to feed wild birds instead. There is a great array of wild bird feed to choose from, ranging from seeds to nuts to suet balls. On top of that there are all sorts of bird feeders. There are wood feeders, tube feeders and platform feeders. Apparently different birds will root for different feed and different feeders as well. So we bought three types of feeders and three types of feed and it was rather spectacular to watch a great array of birds flock to them: finches and tits included. However, the joy was short-lived when big ugly black birds discovered the feeders and, by crowding over the feeders incessantly, they practically shoved and ousted the smaller birds who were there first. Imagine my ire watching such bullying take place. I concluded that this is basically the law of attraction. Free delicious bird seed will attract birds of whatever kind. Just like humans, it is not unusual to see the nice ones attracting loads of friends and the emphatic ones attracting loads of people who feel comfortable confiding in them. But unfortunately, sometimes the "wrong" people are attracted too, for example people who take advantage of others, people who are sycophants, people who need human crutches and people who wallow in self pity. This is where I believe wisdom comes in, where we do not let others misuse and abuse our niceness and hurt ourselves and our families in the wake. There is an often quoted proverb which states that you can please some of the people, some of the time, but you cannot please all of the people, all of the time. This probably originated about 2,500 years ago where the famous Greek slave Aesop illustrated this gem in his fable The Miller, the Son, and the Donkey. The story is about a miller and his son who were driving their donkey to the market. First they met some girls who thought they were fools because they were not riding the donkey. So the father lifted his son onto the donkey and walked along by his side. Next they met an old man who accused the son of not respecting his father and letting him walk. So red-faced with shame, the son got down and his father got onto the donkey's back. Then they met a group of young men who thought both the father and son should ride the donkey. So the father lifted his son up, and the two of them rode along. Finally they were stopped by a townsman who accused them of animal cruelty and the miller and his son got off the donkey, tied his legs together, slung him on a pole, and carried him on their shoulders.

When other passers-by saw this spectacle, they laughed so loudly that the donkey was frightened, broke free from the cords, fell off the pole into a river and drowned. The moral of this story is, "He who tries to please everybody pleases nobody and often is the most lonely person." Strange but true. It is an age-old maxim that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness and we will fail if we do not expand. It is said that it does not take long for a one string banjo to irritate any listener. You will reach higher by adding a few strings to your instrument. If I am a great talker, I talk too much. Therefore, I should listen more. If I am great at encouraging, people would walk all over me. Therefore, I should confront more. What I consciously discipline myself is to have a mind to do the right thing. That is about the most difficult task. To do the right thing is certainly to annoy some and please some. To do the right thing may bring about bad blood.

To do the right thing maybe to say "No", to end an unhealthy friendship, to let the person go and learn to fish, to tell the person that he should seek help and you are not the right person to do it and to do the right thing is listen to the heartbeat and anxiety of the person closest to you and act on it. But above all it is worth it because to do the right thing is to have the ability to draw boundaries, to stand up for principles and people who are most important in your life, to risk having people and the whole town think "badly" of you, to be stripped of all self pride by acknowledging that you may not be the answer to another's woes and, most of all, to be able to let others go and find strength in themselves. So back to the birds that are a nuisance. I think I will go take up shooting lessons and learn to load, point and aim.

Read more: Learning from the birds - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/learning-from-the-birds-1.147118?localLinksEnabled=false#ixzz27HAdz6Pe