A bit of déjà vu

I was telling Michael the other day that I've been in the same situation before. Waking up, exercising, drinking my favourite brand of coffee, gardening, cooking, crafting, attending online classes or zooming with friends, walking in the park and then hitting the sack. 

The only difference between today and tomorrow is the weather. If it is raining then there's no gardening or walking in the park.

Repetition.

And this has been happening since Level 5 restrictions began and today is Day 39 and we will break free on December 1. 

My mind is going on overdrive as what I would like to do after December 1. The list of things I would like to do seems to get a little bit longer by the day.  The first thought is going as far as the new restrictions allow. If it is across county then I must arise and go.

I remember when I was a child and had to stay in bed because I was sick, I would write a long list of things I wanted to do once I got well. As with most Asian parents, my mother would put me on a very strict 'invalid diet' which meant I have to abstain from certain types of food until I got better.  For example if I had a sore throat, I wasn't allowed to eat anything deep fried. Or if I was coughing, I couldn't go near the ice cream cone. So while everyone else in the household was enjoying their fried chicken and ice cream, I would write down in my notebook under ' Things to eat when I am better' : one piece of fried chicken and one ice cream. I think that's where I learnt the power of self discipline, abstinence and delayed gratification.

We are approaching the end of yet another year, and everything seems to be happening so slowly or so fast depending on how you look at it. One thing is for sure, we can look forward to another new year, 2021, and in Facebook speak, a year that will hopefully garner more ‘Likes’ than 2020.

To me December is the beginning of cold wintry nights, shorter days and crisp air. It is also a time to slow down and take stock. And if I were a bear, I would put a sign on the entrance of my cave: HIBERNATION mode on and if you need me I’ll be inside until April. Imagine the cold cocoon and the deep sleep.

My garden is quieter and the raised beds have been dismantled to make way for a polytunnel next Spring. But beneath it all, the roots are riotous and the creatures that live in the soil are alive. I think of persistence, determination and rising up again.

As I go about putting up decorations and shopping for presents and cooking up a storm, I will take a moment to reflect on the things that matter to us. Moments that we cherish and good memories. We will remain safe and healthy throughout this season to emerge strong and energized. In the new year, we will make new plans and carry them out. So let’s say goodbye to 2020, and raise a toast to better days to come, to a brighter future and a hope. 

And if local or international borders are open again safely, we will travel from the North Pole to the South Pole, from Europe to Africa to Asia to Australasia and to the Americas and cross the Tropic of Cancer, the Equator and the Tropic of Capricorn.

A blessed Christmas and a bountiful New Year to all…………

Eat, drink and be cosy.    

NOVEMBER NOW

 

It is November and I'm thankful.

For public photo journalling, every day of this 6-week Level 5 restricted movement order, so I can remember how I am managing to bring life into this season.

For private notebook journalling, so I can record my praises and petitions and wait for prayers to be answered.

Yes this year has been very curious indeed but I'm thankful still.

For the beautiful land that I am in now and the beautiful land that I left behind. 

For open spaces and birds singing and fresh air and bells ringing.

For so many true friends that I've made and the few that have left but still keep in touch as if they have never left. 

For the sunshine and the rain, that nourish the vegetables and flowers and  trees that bear leaves and trees that bear fruit. 

For good days, and the not so good days with the occasional sniffle, that makes me appreciate good health more. 

For family, that I remember not to take for granted just because they are around me and with me. 

For new knowledge like zoom, podcast, cloud cast, chrome cast, team app which I was afraid of in the beginning but have now become my allies. 

For reaching out to those who are lonely and those who are less fortunate than I am. And the response in their eyes say it all.

 For plans made, for plans cancelled and for plans yet to come. 

 

Indeed I am thankful for the fact that I can still breathe….and say I am thankful.                                                                                                                                                        

PLUS ONE DAYS

Some television stations have Plus One programmes which gives you another chance to watch your favourite shows an hour later. This does mean that there are people who are happy to not miss a tv show.

Now, here we go again with another 3 weeks of Level 3 restrictions throughout Ireland. A change to what shops or services can remain open, how many people you can meet at one time and how far you can travel amongst other things. Restricted movements never go down well with anyone, especially if the changes are rather sudden.

Like many others caught in the same predicament, we also had a taste of it. Nothing drastic or life threatening, just some inconvenience.

We had a holiday planned out and so we had to cancel everything. Quite a bit of a last minute cancellation but the hotel administrative staff was pretty kind and understood that the fault was neither ours nor theirs. So it was penalty free.

So what has that got to do with Plus One tv programmes?

I thought there is some similarity there. 

You know, with an active mind, you can almost draw similarities between totally diverse situations and yet everything adds up in the big picture. Michael would say, that I would start off with something at the beginning of a story, which then meander to another and then at the end everything comes together. You just don't know how it spins.

Plus One Days.

This is my new coinage. Simply put, the days that you are meant to be somewhere else, but you get to spend them at home instead.

What does that mean to me?

For a person who is mentally and socially active, it means that I get to spend such days without any plans made. No  appointments, no visits, no gatherings, no duties. 

So I get to spend extra days simply doing what I like on the spur of the moment because I haven't committed myself to doing something planned.

Plus One Days.

Sleep. Yes, extra hours on the bed hugging my pillows. (I have many - different shapes and sizes) Who wants to draw the curtains to let the sunshine in? Who wants to crawl out of the comforter with the hot water bottle next to you? Who wants to get out of comfy, snuggly fleece-lined jammies?

Plus One Days

Music. Yes, listening to On My Way by Alan Walker, Sabrina Carpenter and Farruko. The song, the voice, the video, the lyrics!!

So take aim and fire away...I've never been so wide awake...The blood moon is on the rise, The fire burning in my eyes....And I'm on my way

Reminds me of the shower scene in Flash dance so many years ago. Where Alex Owens (Jennifer Beals) was a welder who wanted to become a dancer, but she represented anyone with a dream.

 I can be 16, I can be 90, but the spirit is still the same. Freedom, emancipation, unfettered, unleashed. No boundaries. To be Myself.

Plus One Days

Write and Read. Exactly. Write my blog. Write my letters. Write my cards. And read. Yes, read that magazine, read that book, read that letter....again.

Plus One Days

Appreciate. Count the moments. The moments I have lived, through pain and joy. The moments that seem to be forever. The moments that are fleeting. The moments when I am surrounded by the people I love. The moments when I am surrounded by myself, me, mine. I am very comfortable in my own skin. I see the ME in the colours, the sounds, the heat, the cold. I feel the damp of the fallen leaves, brown and almost brittle. 

Plus One Days.

The joy of NOW.

In the Palms of His hands

I was watching Nationwide on RTE 1 and came across the Bábóg Project.

The Bábóg Project aims to gather 6000 dolls. One for each of the estimated number of babies said to have died in Ireland’s former Mother and Baby Homes. The aim is to acknowledge that every child is a precious gift and deserves to be loved and cared for. (https://www.thebabogproject.com/) 

 I have decided to make 2 dolls for the project, small enough to fit into the palms of my hands. 

As I sit and sew, I pay tribute to each infant who was born precious and worthy of my time and attention. 

I believe everyone who makes a doll goes through a personal journey. A journey of loss and hope. A journey of sadness and letting go. An endeavour to bring closure to grief unspoken. 

What is a mother's personal grief?

It is when you see your child suffering and you wish you could be the one suffering in his place instead. It is seeing your child go through a myriad of experiences that could either make or break him and all you can do is offer that emotional, spiritual or physical support. But you can't carry his cross. 

It is when you see your child making bad choices and your heart screams, 'Don't do that, don't go there' but you can't do anything because he chooses to go there and all you can do is to just watch him go and hope that he will be set free from the trap that ensnares him.

It is when you see your child caught in the crossfire of another's anger, prejudice and hatred, through no fault of his own, just because he is born of a different colour or of a different gender. 

It is when you see your child falling through the cracks and ends up being on the other side of the law and his young life snuffed out like a flickering flame. 

As I hold the tiny dolls in the palms of my hands, I am reminded that God has carved us on the Palms of His hands. (Isaiah 49:15 )

The finished dolls will be gathered together by the Bábóg Project and will form part of a travelling exhibition before they reach their final resting place.

And I am humbled to be part of it. 

Canal Locks and Rain:It is all in the specifics

We woke up today to very cool weather and endless drizzle. 

Me: Where shall we go today?

Him: Let's check out Victoria Lock, the first lock on the Shannon river upstream from Lough Derg, to begin with. 

Me: (checking Google maps) Lock or Loch? 

Him: Hope the rain will stop

Me: I'll pray that the rain will stop at our destination (s). You have to be very specific so as not to deprive others who need the rain. 

I like to learn. Never being exposed to much engineering knowledge, Wikipedia told me that a lock is a device used for raising and lowering all sorts of watercraft (think boats, ships etc) between stretches of water of different levels on river and canal waterways. 

Clear enough. 

Anything beyond that, the brain will scream : Cannot compute. Information overload. 

The trail to Victoria Lock went cold. Faded signposts led us to muddy farms and dead end roads. Not uncommon. After all, we were not searching for what Father Ted would say a Class One relic. 

But we did find another lock tucked away in Shannon Harbour. Lock 35. (not to be confused with Phantom of the Opera's  Lot 666 a chandelier in pieces.)

The rain stopped. 

I was watching the engineering wonder very closely. 

It is all in the specifics. 

Behind the gates of the lock, the water was crushing at great force, as if trying to break through. Pounding hard like medieval marauders with a huge log of wood thumping at the castle gate, trying to break into the castle while soldiers defending the castle poured hot oil on the invaders from the turrets above. 

On the other side of the gates the water was very calm, totally oblivious of its raging neighbour. 

Me: Which side personifies you? 

Him: I don't know. 

Me: I'm the raging side trying to smash down the gates. 

The thing is the gates cannot be opened all at once or the water will just gush down. They have to be opened gradually so the water can be regulated and the impact gradual. 

That would be the most frustrating process for me. 

Because let's say I want improvement  but am met with resistance. 

I'll have to learn to be long-suffering and patient. I have to accept that some things might change but it may not be now. So it is this process of thinking, negotiating and hoping that keeps the adrenalin pumping. This is what is called the excitement of living. 

As we made our way home, we noticed that clear skies had become grey again. The moment we reached our neighbourhood, the rain started. 

Me: Did you notice that it didn't rain at our destinations but it is raining now? 

Him: Yeah

Me: It is all in the specifics. 😊

THE BEAUTY OF DESOLATION AND SILENCE COMBINED

 

Isn't it strange that when you revisit a place that you like, you get different associations and feelings?

 Just like when you watch your favourite movie over and over again and each time you notice something that you never noticed before.

I'm talking about the Burren, the place that never fails to evoke strong impressions on me. In fact it has left such an impact that this is my 3rd post about it in a span of 9 years.

When I think about desolation, I think of the state of being deserted, the state that draws a blank, the state of loneliness. It is like the aftermath of something catastrophic. A post Covid 19 scenario. An apocalypse.

And the silence. It is the peace in the silence that strikes me. Nothing but grikes and clints that stretch for miles.

Himself asked me why I wanted to see the Poulnabrone or the Portal Tomb again as I had seen it so many times before.

Every logical question deserves an illogical answer.

My answer is because I have changed from the last time I saw it but the Poulnabrone has not.

That is the reason why I keep taking photos of places I have been before.

There's this interplay of transience and permanence.

I would like to think that I am transient. And when I look at the Poulnabrone  that has withstood the onslaught of time, that is permanence. 

But then again, by a sudden change of wind or an unprecedented climatic disaster, the Poulnabrone that I saw today could also be gone tomorrow, flattened and broken into smithereens. 

The beautiful thing is even in this karst landscape, a flower grows. That is the last thing anyone would expect. That is what I call hope. And it is absolutely beautiful.

INSIDE LOOKING OUT

We went to a lovely restaurant the other day, just to celebrate the fact that we could go out and dine somewhere else other than home. The little things that we have been used to have become so much more precious. I was sitting INSIDE, LOOKING OUT at the people passing by. 

And I thought to myself. Here I am, reading the menu and choosing what I want. No holds barred.

Imagine many years ago, when I was travelling on my own presenting papers at international conferences on a shoe string budget. Especially during winter when I saw people laughing and dining in fancy restaurants behind frosted windows and I wondered what it was like, eating in the comfort of great smells and warmth. I was on the OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN.

Instead, I would have walked into Sainsbury or Mercato and bought a drumstick and a roll - that would have sufficed as dinner. Just because there were greater concerns of the day and expenses that needed to be met.

Recently a small company approached me to make fabric masks. What started off as making masks for family and friends had suddenly evolved into a possible business. (Sometimes I see myself as having the Midas touch because I am never short of people who want to buy my handmade things) 

But I said NO. Not now, not ever I hope. Because my 'working' days are over - days when I had to work very hard to make ends meet, to raise a family. Indeed I have made my million and the children are well and capable.

So time is precious. How I want to spend my time is precious.

Just like Anthony Warlow's 'This is the Moment'.

This is the time when the momentum and the moment are in rhyme. This is the day I want to live for, to see it sparkle and shine. Where every endeavour I have made is coming to play, is here and now. 

Today. 

IT'S HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO WHAT YOU WANT FOREVER

In July and August this year,  I have to say goodbye to two friends. One whom I was just getting to know better and the other whom I've known for 8 years.

Ivania came into my life when her daughters enrolled at a local school. Getting to know her was effortless as she is unassuming and full of life. I invited her over to my house for tea and  as English is not Ivania's first language, google translate was a big help. I wish I knew Spanish!!

And before we could have more tete a tete, the lockdown came. But communication can take so many forms, if we put our minds to it. There was a slew of WhatsApp messages sharing fun things and things that matter.

So when we could travel out of Ireland again, I got a text from her saying that she and her girls would be boarding the ferry soon. I knew that would eventually come one day but when it came, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Too soon!!!

We had another round of food at the Lakeside and when I brought her home in my car, I knew I would not see her again until I go to Madrid one day.

A.A. Milne said, 'How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.'

Friendship is such a beautiful thing. To have good friends is to be a good friend yourself. I cannot say often enough that good friends don't happen overnight. Like everything else friendship needs nourishment - time, effort, mutual concern. Many have neglected building friendships because of other pressing matters of the day. It is when all is said and done, and the children have flown the nest, and you sit down and say to yourself  'I don't have friends'.

Susan came into my life some 8 years ago. We just clicked from the word go. She is compassionate and we have exchanged recipes and secrets of the heart. Sometime next week, she will be returning to Seattle. We promise ourselves that we must meet in NYC someday at least!

So to my lovely friends who have left something behind in my heart...

I am....

- SAD to see you go

- HAPPY that you are going to have more joy in your life

- EXCITED that the future is bright for you

- ANGRY that you had to go through anything unpleasant during your stay here

- HOPEFUL that we will meet again

- APPRECIATIVE of the moments we shared

- GLAD that I've known you as a friend

- CERTAIN that God is there for you

- OPTIMISTIC that you will be surrounded by lots of love and support

                                               Thank you for being my friend.

A TALE OF TWO COUNTRIES

The waggle dance is a term used in beekeeping to describe a certain figure-eight dance of the honey bee. When a bee dances, its aim is to share information with other members of the colony about the direction and distance farther than 10 metres to floral patches where nectar and pollen are a-plenty. The dance can also convey information about water sources or new nest site locations.

So the idea of a bee sign post couldn't be more appropriate for us.

182km to Dublin. 10912km to Kuala Lumpur.

What has it been like living in two different countries for the last 10 years?

To begin with, the climate, the people and the culture are as different as night and day. And yet there are so many commonalities between the two, if we care to look deeper.

I think it is very easy to complain about any place that we live in but I choose to talk about the positive things instead. I'll list 3 for each country for a start.

MALAYSIA

1. The beauty of multi-ethnicity and multiculturalism

As Malaysians we often take for granted the nature of our society. I find that because we grow up, go to school and work  with different races, we actually reap so many benefits.

We learn to appreciate and be tolerant of differences. We learn many languages and dialects. Before we speak or act, we think about the other person. Will we border on the sensitivities of another? 

We learn to talk and we learn to listen.

We pause and take stock. We learn to live alongside each other instead of attacking one another through our prejudices. As a result our perceptions widen and we are more embracing and inclusive.

Most of the friends I have in Ireland come from mono-cultural societies. I have friends who do not understand why a Malaysian can be a Malay or a Chinese or an Indian. Nor can they understand how Muslims, Hindus, Christians or people of other religions can be great friends.

Because of the different cultures and religions, we open our houses to our friends during festive seasons. We call that 'open house' where we welcome friends to our homes and enjoy our friendship and a variety of good food peculiar to that festivity. We send greeting cards (or electronic ones)  to our friends when we know that they are celebrating the festival - like Christmas, Hari Raya (Eid), Deepavali (Diwali) etc.

 I remember as a child,  my Muslim neighbour used to give us chicken curry and ketupat (cooked rice packs) during Hari Raya (Eid)and our Hindu cleaner would give us mutton curry and putu mayam/ iddayapam (string hoppers) during Deepavali. In return, my parents would give them mandarin oranges and biscuits during Chinese New Year and of course ang pow (money packets) to their children.

2. The beauty of hospitality
I find that hospitality is in the blood of a Malaysian. We love having friends over for sure. We love to cook and to share our food. To an outsider, Malaysian cooking is complicated and time consuming. But we do not complain because it is very satisfying for  us to cook a grand meal to be shared with the people around us. We are proud of our homes and  we invite our friends to our homes. I remember my children's friends coming over every so frequent.

3. The beauty of the weather
I know most Malaysians,  including myself, do not like it when the sun is blazing for 365 days. Yes, we do not have seasons. The sun rises and sets about the same time every day of the year. Because it is warm for the most part of the day, we have a great variety of food served alfresco. Shops open for long hours and eateries are everywhere.

It takes being away from the sun to appreciate the sun. We don't have to watch out for icy roads or frost on our windscreens or frozen pipes. We don't have to wait for endless days of rain to be over. We don't have to put on so many layers and wobble like a Michelin man when we go outdoors. We don't have to watch out for orange or red warnings for storms and put up with endless umbrellas broken by the wind.

IRELAND

1. The beauty of the landscape
I love nature and animals so the Irish landscape is simply beautiful to me. There are low lying mountains and several navigable rivers.  The Wicklow mountains, Moher cliffs, Connemara, West Cork, the Wild Atlantic Way and the Burren are testimony to the varied landscape.

The lush vegetation and woodlands are great for walks. My favourite animals here are the red fox and the badger. 

On a quiet day, you can hear the farmer's tractor whirring. The image of patchwork farms dotted with Friesian cows and frisking lambs is a pure delight. The relatively small population (approx.4.7 million in the republic) means there are lots of open spaces.

I am also in awe of the standing stones and stone circles and dolmens - so many that are far more ancient than the stone henge in Salisbury. The air of mystery they unfold and the immense feeling of being so near  that I can actually touch them is beyond description.

2. The beauty of the weather
The Irish climate is  influenced by the Atlantic ocean and is thus very moderate and the winters are mild. We have 4 seasons in a year, but sometimes you can have 4 seasons in a day.

I like the different seasons because I can do different things and wear different clothes. 

Spring is when I look forward to new life and my gardening starts. Summer is when I travel. Ireland is midway between Europe and the States so it doesn't take too long to fly either way. Autumn is my favourite season because it is not too hot or cold and it is also harvest time for most of my produce. I love it when the leaves turn a beautiful shade of yellow, red and brown. And when Winter comes, I love the warmth and aroma of the turf fed fire and I literally hibernate and rest, to be well prepared for the next Spring.

I like the spirit of volunteerism here, where people really go out to help and it is not for the money. I like the politeness of the general community - a 'howya' greeting along the street in rural Ireland or an acknowledgement from the driver of another car when you let him pass.

I like attending church here because the leaders are humble and the messages down to earth and genuine.

3. The beauty of the Arts

Because of my background in studying and teaching literature, it is a joy to live in the land of literary giants - Wilde, Yeats, Joyce, Seamus Heaney, Samuel Beckett and so many more.  There is a large surviving body of Irish mythological writing and Ireland has its fair share of wordsmiths on the global pedestal and Nobel prize winners in Literature.

There is no shortage of musicals and plays and operas in Bord Gais Theatre, Dublin or more locally at the Belltable or Limetree theatre in Limerick. We go regularly for these and really enjoy the variety and quality of the programmes.

We also enjoy the fairs - whether they are small scale country fairs or large ones like The National Ploughing Festival or Bloom.

So, both Malaysia and Ireland are close to my heart.

I am blessed to be able in live in both countries.

Most importantly, I am surrounded by people who love me in both countries.

TELL YOUR HEART TO BEAT AGAIN

I had a big cactus plant that I grew from a pup. It required very little care, just sunshine and a bit of water now and again. It was healthy and sturdy and it sat nicely on the shelf until I accidentally knocked it one day and it fell. Seeing no harm done, I put it back into the pot and didn't pay much attention to it.

Days passed and I noticed that something was wrong with it. It was literally shrinking before my eyes.

I did an internet search to find out the possible reasons for this malady and I learnt, a tad to late, how to nurture a fallen cactus to full health. Seemingly you will need to examine the wound, excise the rot and apply sulphur powder which is a natural fungicide to the wound.

I took the cactus out of the pot to inspect it and noticed that by then the rot had become so bad, it had given up the ghost.

What had just happened? A fine stately specimen had been reduced to sad pulp, only fit for the compost heap.

There is so much similarity between this wounded thorny object and a human heart.

I was listening to the song 'Tell your heart to beat again' by Danny Gokey and found out the story that inspired the song.

The story goes that a heart surgeon in Ohio once removed a patient's heart to repair it. It was a successful operation but ironically the heart wouldn't beat. Before giving up altogether, the surgeon knelt down beside the unconscious patient and spoke to her:

“Mrs. Johnson, this is your doctor. We have fixed your heart—we have repaired it. There’s nothing wrong with your heart. Mrs. Johnson, if you can hear me, I need you to tell your heart to beat again.”

I can't help thinking of the cactus where the insides were so messed up,  it was beyond living. But if I had intervened earlier, it could have lived.

How many times have we let disease and bad experiences and hurtful memories eat into our insides?

We don't realise that over the years, if not dealt with, the decay gets worse. 

We think that if we don't remember them, they won't affect us. We think that if we avoid dealing with them, we will escape the consequences. It only takes an incident, a song, a word, a deed, even something that happens to someone else - to trigger the pain - and all those memories will crash upon us, just as if they happened yesterday. Very vivid with all the details we thought we had forgotten. Sometimes we don't even realise that they have been there still, after all these years.

Dawna Hetzler the author of 'Walls of a Warrior' says, ' We have to be intentional and want restoration. Begin the journey of forgiveness, prepare to love again, slow yet steady. Believe again. Sing a new song.'

And Mrs. Johnson had to tell her heart to beat again.

She lives still.

LET OUR STARS SHINE

My friend Margarita has this poster on her social media page and even before I read the translation, I know it must mean something beautiful because a picture paints a thousand words.

I see a person climbing a high ladder to stick stars onto the sky. And I see a whole basket of stars pushed by a puny animal. There is effort involved in climbing so high. There is fear involved too if she is afraid of heights. There are so many stars in the basket, so it means lots of time taken to stick them one by one onto the sky. The basket is heavy and the puny animal needs to push it with all her strength. But both the person and the animal continue to do so.

Perseverance.

Translated it means: People who help others shine know that there is room for everyone.

Being selfless. Being supportive. Being encouraging.

But what is more common everywhere is backbiting and stepping on others to get ahead, be it in the real world or in soap operas. People are envious of others having a better life than themselves. Others feel threatened if someone is more capable or has more potential. Sad to say, there are plenty of them around.

I have attended many workshops on creativity. When I really enjoy doing something, I go all out. So even if everyone else makes a simple art piece, I challenge myself to make a more complicated one. Sometimes I don't stop at one.

And when I bring it to the class the following week, some are genuinely excited to see what I have done. But there are always those who will not be happy. You can sense it from their body language. Even the teacher! So a good friend who has seen my works privately, even told me not to bring my best piece to class. Just bring a mediocre piece, so everyone is happy, so no one feels threatened.

What a shame!

If I were the teacher and my student shows great enthusiasm in my class, I would be so proud. If my student outshines me and creates better things using what I have taught as a springboard, I would be over the moon.

I love a good challenge to excel and I challenge others to excel. That has always been the way I encourage my children and support them, even if they are already adults.

My good friends who share with me their insecurities know that I will help them see the best in themselves. Because sometimes we forget our strengths and it takes another person to give us an honest assessment of what we can do and what we can't. Because sometimes we need to be challenged to take the next step, out of our comfort zone.

Why is our worldview so narrow? Why do we tell ourselves that if someone gets ahead, we will be left behind?

I have encountered strange remarks that left me baffled. When I check with my Irish friends, they almost always come to the same conclusion - 'these people are simply jealous of you.'

I am very comfortable in my own skin. I respect the law.  Within the community, I do what I want to do, not because I have to do it. I am not afraid to disappoint others because I choose to be true to myself. No society, custom or habit can influence me to do otherwise. I have no bucket list and I do not desire the bigger house next door. I am content with my lot.

I have also been shocked by people whispering in my ears - usually bad stuff about others - a snide remark, a rolling of eyes. The sad thing is it has become so common, they don't see anything wrong and as long as they don't kill or rob someone, they think gossip is pretty harmless.   It only shows a disgruntled spirit within a very unhappy person indeed.

When someone I know shines, I genuinely feel very happy for her. I don't believe in luck, so I believe she must have done something great to arrive at such an achievement.

To actually help someone achieve more or become a better version of himself takes time and effort and a different perspective of life.

There is always room for another star in the sky. When we let others shine, we will also shine alongside.

The best part is the reward is intangible. A deep satisfaction to see someone else happy. A deep satisfaction within which no one can take away.

MUSINGS

When the night sky is full of stars, it is a wonder to behold. What looks like stars lining up in a straight line, is actually very different in reality because they are very very far apart. But against a dark canvas we can conjure up shapes and patterns in perfect alignment.

I am writing to a 9 year old in Togo and wonder what she could understand. In an earlier letter, she asked me how I spent Christmas. If I describe to her the Christmas tree decked with baubles, would it be a totally alien concept to her? If I told her about the presents received, would she have received any herself?

I thought about circumstances.

It doesn't seem fair that some children have toys that reach to the ceiling while others have none. What kind of a future would she have, living in a very basic shelter that she calls home?

I thought about the documentary that I watched the night before. 

About inmates in prison given a second chance to pursue education at tertiary level. One of the female inmates became a mother at 15 because that was the 'normal' route a girl child would take in her society. Would the Togo child be one of the statistics?

I thought about the different things that we experience as we walk this journey called life. 

Some happy, some sad. We try our best to be the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. But when things go wrong, we wonder whether we had been the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. We are our own harshest critic.

I thought about the different views we hold concerning the present situation. 

My friend asked whether she could come and visit me. I said, we have waited this long, can we wait a little longer until Phase 4?

I thought about the impact the pandemic has left us. 

Why some could still squander their wealth while others do not know where the next meal will come from.

I thought about how much I enjoy my own company. 

Although I long for the time when we could travel freely again, I am also happy where I am - in my home, where there is food on the table, where the air is clean and where my daily 18 hours  are filled with doing what I enjoy most and the remaining 6 hours engaged in a deep sleep with dreams of technicolour. I have attended talks or workshops that do not add value to my day. So I have learnt to make choices, and say No to them.

Whatever it is, the sun still rises in the East and sets in the West.

It is a full spectrum of a day. And if today is a sorrowful day, tomorrow can be totally different. And I am thankful for hope.

I believe nothing happens at random. They are all part of the big picture. Like how we see the stars from afar.

I'M GOING TO A MASQUERADE BALL!

When I was walking down the streets in Venice, I couldn't help admiring all the lovely masks in the shops. There were intricate ones, bedazzled with jewels and there were also some very scary ones.

And when I was conducting a 5 day teacher training workshop in Hanoi, all the teachers came to class wearing cloth masks. Initially I was taken aback, but they had a reason. They rode on motorbikes on dusty roads to the training centre, hence the need for masks.

So I started making masks for my loved ones during this season. Let it not be said that 'A tailor's child has no new clothes'. What started out as an act of love soon turned into a brisk business as friends told friends who told more friends  about the masks. Just when I started to pack away the sewing machine, another new order would come in.

The wonderful thing about knowing how to sew and loving it, is that, I also have loads of stash related to sewing: fabric,interfacing and elastic for instance. All very essential for sewing masks when most of the shops were closed. Buying them online was no help because delivery might take ages.

If we need to wear a mask, then wear it with style. That is my mantra. Just as I have handbags to match my clothes, my masks have personalities and are not generic. 

I asked my friends and family members back in Malaysia and they tell me that it is the done thing to wear a mask when you go out. Even the foreign workers do that. This is directed by the Health Ministry, especially now that Malaysia is on the recovery phase with more relaxed provisions, so spikes must be prevented. In fact, many shops will not admit unmasked customers  and it is mandatory to wear masks on all public transport.

But over here....I could be the only person wearing one while walking on the street. Whenever I see another person wearing a mask, it is so comforting, as if we have a common understanding and we belong to a band of bonded sisters! 

And there are funny episodes too.

I was trying to get some lamb livers for my dog Hachi who had a bout of nose bleeds and was recovering. So I reasoned that he needed more iron to replenish blood loss. There I was at a safe distance behind the meat counter and I uttered these words.

Me: Do you have lamb livers please?

(What the butcher heard: oip iuyt uiinuy tytb iyyl poiuytrt?)

Butcher: So  you want a piece of sirloin steak?

I burst out laughing behind my mask. He was ingenious. Trying hard to make sense of the mumble behind the mask.

In another instance, I encountered a group of unmasked teenagers along a narrow lane. Upon seeing me, one of them freaked out and immediately pulled his sweater up over his mouth and nose. I needn't have to carry a bell and yell, 'Leper coming through!'

Much has been deliberated over the benefits of masks. The fear that you'll forget to do the necessary hand washing and social distancing for example. The fear that there will be a mad rush for masks, think toilet paper frenzy. The fear that there will be insufficient masks for the front liners.

There is of course mask etiquette. If you wear one, you need to learn how to wear it correctly, take it off correctly, dispose of it correctly or wash it correctly.

The thing is you'll never know what is lurking around the corner. 

I was walking to the post office and lo and behold, there was this person behind me who was coughing and coughing without a care in the world and without a mask. When I was at the supermarket, the fish monger released a series of sneezes. The first sneeze was caught by the mask, and he then took off his mask to sneeze even more!! This is my version of what Joseph Conrad would call The Horror! The Horror! in Heart of Darkness.

So while the nation debates the pros and cons of mask wearing, I will visualise that  I'm going to a masquerade ball every time I go out.

And if it is a ball that I am going to, I'll make sure that my head is held high, and I'm walking with pride as in a triumphal procession celebrating the gift of life and good health.

I SPY A ROBIN NEST

There's a deep hole in our apple tree trunk. And in that hole lives a mama robin, sitting on her blue eggs. She is there everyday watching the world outside from the safety of her nest.

There are two questions in my mind.

1. Why are robin eggs blue?
2. What is the mama robin feeling right now?

The answers to the first question are plenty - from scientific observations to the more fun  claims of bird psyche.

According to wikipedia birds that typically lay eggs in open exposed areas often have lighter coloured eggshells. On the other hand, eggs that are are laid in concealed locations sheltered from the sun are more likely to have darker hues.  The blue colour in robin eggs is due to biliverdin, a pigment deposited on the egg shell when the female lays the eggs. There is some evidence that higher biliverdin levels indicate a healthier female and brighter blue eggs.

New research suggests that the bluish colour helps facilitate just the right amount of light absorption - and thus the right temperature without overexposure.

Then we also have a fun conclusion like egg colour influencing male parental care. Apparently, males whose nests contain the brightest blue eggs feed their newly-hatched babies twice as much.

Answers to the second question are more difficult to find.

Mainly because I don't speak robin. I can see her eyes following me closely but I can't pop my head into the nest and ask how she is feeling. I wonder if she is bored. I wonder if she just can't wait for her eggs to hatch and for her babies to fledge. I wonder if the noise made by the lawn mower frightens her.

This brings me to the present situation that we are in.

Sure, we are tempted to violate the rules and go out and have a fun time. Sure, we want to visit each other and have tea and cakes like we used to. Sure, we want to have that thrill of saying we have escaped the police checkpoint.

Why do we violate rules and good advice? Is it an act of defiance? Is it misinformation? Is it for the lack of knowledge? Is it taking things for granted? Or is it pure selfishness?

I think it is a bit of everything.

My well meaning friend who missed me so much called me to join her for a cup of tea at her house. The problem is her house is more than 5km from my place. I said. NO.

Another good friend wants to come over to visit me. I said NO.

Nobody likes to stay indoors when the weather is grand. Now is certainly not the time for non essential activities. Now is not the time to invite someone over or to go to another person's house for something that can wait.

We might say, well we are healthy and they are healthy, so why worry?

The fact is no one knows exactly how 'healthy' we are at a particular point of time. Infection can be asymptomatic. Confined places can be infested with germs. Rules on safe distancing and meeting in open spaces were not created on a whim.

Because if you fall sick, you need someone else to take care of you. If you fall sick, you can infect another person. So it is not all about YOU or what you want to do. Think before you ask someone to go to your house. Think before you go to another person's house. Think before you invite someone into your house.

The mama robin is in her nest for a reason. She is keeping herself safe and her eggs safe. By so doing, she knows one day her family will be able to stretch their wings and fly. In the meantime, she will do the wisest thing and wait.

And yet humans have coined the term bird brain?

MY GARDEN, MY CANVAS

It was late but I wasn't sleepy. Why? Because my brain was on overdrive, my pulse racing and excitement rising. The difference between a teenage me and an adult now is zero, that is where a challenge is concerned. I'm talking about creating a video. Not any quick video to be posted on social media. But a video of my garden to be sent to BBC.

Because of the lockdown, the programme host invites the general public to submit videos of their gardens, big or small to be shared with viewers.

Sometimes, after deciding to do something, I wonder  why I decided in the first place. Isn't it easier to just live life 'normally' day after day, doing the things that you are familiar with and thus live a quiet life?

But that wouldn't be me.

I love gardening. I love art. So the theme of my video is MY GARDEN, MY CANVAS.

Where video taping is concerned, I'm a complete amateur but that is where we all start from. And the best thing is this amateur is surrounded by wonderful people who are willing to help me progress from level 0 to level 1.

Enter Robin, a professional videographer, who gave me a few tips. He also kindly sent me completely free, a beautiful aerial view of Killaloe-Ballina to start the video off or in video speak: establishing the garden. I also gained new vocabulary: Establishing shots, tending up, close ups, zooming with my feet.

My eyes were open. My ears were open. I saw what I never saw before and I heard what I didn't hear before. The surroundings were the same. Only this time round, the senses were hightened.

Suddenly the crows were cawing so loudly. The whirring of some nearby machinery was continuously annoying. And yes, the wind! the wind! A mild wind sounded like a storm coming when recorded.

The sun was not only the sun but it determined the shadows. I jumped up like a lark at break of dawn to get the 'perfect' shot. Quiet. Clear. No shadows. No disturbance.

Then came many short clips, over and over again, to get the perfect clip. Shoot - replay - delete - shoot. Repeat. 

After 18 successful short clips, I was happy. 

Enter my daughter Audrey who kindly volunteered to edit for me. I started sending the video clips to her via WhatsApp. 

Audrey: Ma, sorry wait. My settings don't allow saving of videos automatically. Can you send them over again?

(I sent again).

Audrey: Grrr, sorry, WhatsApp didn't update automatically. I only got the last 3 videos you sent me. 

(I sent again)

Audrey: Sorry ma, but you need to resend to me all the videos. WhatsApp has crushed your videos to a low resolution. Do you have a dropbox? If you upload all the videos there, then share the link with me and I can download the videos.

DROPBOX.

My heart dropped like a heavy box. I don't have it. Unchartered territory is always so terrifying. To anyone younger than I am, this is just like ABC.

Me: I'm worried about this thing, how to get it started etc.

Audrey then sent me this CARTOON.

That was really  comforting. I know some children will get impatient and just roll their eyes (meaning: are you that stupid?) when their parents are not as techno savvy as they are.

So  encouraged, I googled to find out how to install one, how to save the videos there and went to sleep while the videos were being uploaded. The next morning I learnt from google again, how to share the link. 

Audrey upon receiving the link: Very good!!! Pandai! (clever). I suggest we mute the sounds and do a voice over. This is this free app for the recording. (screenshot) You have to synchronise your narrative with  the video.

By then I could do anything that I hadn't done before. Confidence begets confidence.

I downloaded the app, borrowed Mike's phone to watch the video, and went to a quiet room. I did a trial run before recording. Then I recorded my voice on my phone while simultaneously watching the video on Mike's phone. I was surprised I only had to do it ONCE!!

Pleased as punch I forwarded the recording to Audrey.

Audrey: Good work! Very nice to have a little video showcasing all you've done. It was very good. Well done!

Me : Just viewed the final version. Very good. Cannot breathe. Feel like crying.

All in, it took us 3 days to complete the video. It is so easy to work with someone who has the same drive, the same level of commitment and the same eye for excellence.

So now I sit and wait. I hope the video gets selected. I have good friends who are keeping their fingers and toes crossed for me.

If the video gets selected, I will pat myself on the back and say I'm quite brave after all, and then go order a Chinese takeaway.

If the video doesn't get selected, I will also pat myself on the back and say I'm quite brave after all, and then go order a Chinese takeaway.

Either way, I am happy that I have gone through the whole learning process.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE OVER

As this season is officially the staying at home season, we stayed at home dutifully. No more running around, no more escapes to warmer climes. So day and night I tended to my garden. I sowed the seeds into plugs and put them in a vitopod heated propagator on February 26. There was great growth and I pricked them out, moving the stronger ones to trays. And then I watered and watched. If fact I watered, and watered and watered just because I was around. The inevitable happened. To my horror, some of them  gave up the ghost.

What had just happened?

In the past when we could go for short trips now and then, the plants were healthy and strong. There was space and time for them to grow, to be liberated. It was as if, knowing that the gardener was away, they rose in unison and clapped their hands, stretched out their roots to available water sources and reached for the sunlight.

So over caring had been disastrous. And you would think that there would be no harm in being overly concerned, after all it is in a gardener's nature.

When I think about the word 'over' I can find more words and phrases that have negative connotations rather than the positive: overeat, overweight, overdo, overdrive, over-the-top, overkill, overzealous, overdone, over-the-hill, it's all over, bending over backwards, fork something over...

So I purposefully search for words that bring about positive notes instead. Not an easy task though. I chose 4.

1. Overwhelmed
2. Over the moon
3. Over and above
4. Starting over with a clean slate

OVERWHELMED

I am always overwhelmed by the kindness of others. A family member or a good friend who would go  the extra mile just to bring some cheer into my life. I can always remember the time when I was in Primary School and had just recovered from fever.  In those days, public transport was not a reliable thing so my mother walked about a mile to the school just to make sure that I had some nourishing soup during recess time. And more recently, just when the Restricted Movement Order started in Malaysia, a friend asked whether she could do some food shopping for my son as he had not stocked up the fridge? And the random visit from a friend who would just ring the doorbell and say 'hey, I baked a cake for you?'

OVER THE MOON

Sometimes an old story is still very refreshing. I don't know how many times I have regaled the tale (to interested individuals, and only when asked)  of how Mike and myself reconnected after more than 30 years apart. Each time I tell it, it is as exciting as the first time we reconnected in 2008. I am still as pleased as punch and grinning from ear to ear.

OVER AND ABOVE

It is nothing like doing something to the best of your ability. I like the phrase over and above especially when I make something for someone. Because she/he is in my thoughts before, during and after  I have made a craft or baked something. There is so much pleasure in giving. The sparkle in the recipient's eye says everything.

It's also nice when there is an understanding that those living under the same roof should help each other. Whether or not they are working out of home.  Sesame street will call it COOPERATION. Over and above. The floor needs to be swept and cleaned. Pots and pans need to be washed. Clothes need to be hung out to dry and folded or ironed. The grass needs to be cut.  And it is not someone's job. It is everyone's responsibility.

STARTING OVER WITH A CLEAN SLATE

Now this is very difficult. But doable.

It takes great resolve to forgive someone else or to forgive yourself and start all over again. Some studies state that most people hold on to  bad memories more than good ones. Other researchers suggest it could be that good memories persist longer than bad, thus helping us to be more resilient.

Whichever theory, I want to remember more of happy memories. So what I do is to write down short notes about good, significant moments and stick them to a magnetic wall along the staircase. (for those who are interested: you'll need 4 coats of magnetic chalk paint for the wall). In that way, every time I feel sad, I just have to look at all the happy memories and my spirit is lifted again. 

Life is about living today. You can't go back to what things were. How you perceived they were. All you really have is now. 

Like Merida in Brave, I will take hold of my dream. I will ride, I will fly. I will chase the wind and touch the sky.