I WAS at a wedding recently and as with most weddings, the atmosphere was enough to move one's heart to bits. So I listened with interest as the newlyweds exchanged their vows.
Interestingly enough, the list of vows the bride made to her groom was twice as long as that of the groom's.
I do not know whether they wrote the vows themselves or whether they lifted them from a book.
I am not a feminist, but I thought it strange that while the groom promised to honour vows one to seven, the bride promised to honour vows one to 14.
This included honouring his dreams, his vision, his hopes and his forever while nothing was mentioned about honouring hers.
I could not help feeling that there would be a long road of sacrifice ahead for her.
She would have to give up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy, sometimes even negating her own dreams and desires.
Here, I would like to borrow Yeats' line in the poem Easter 1916: "Too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart."
The poem was written in the context of the long, turbulent history of British colonialism in Ireland as well as alluding to the great psychological cost of the long struggle for independence.
May I be so bold as to stretch this concept to that of domestic bliss?
The question I pose is: who determines when the suffering will end and when the sacrifices are considered sufficient?
Some will smile to make it seem easier. They will put on a front because admitting it is hard. It can be seen as a weakness and many spouses feel they need to be strong for their children or be regarded as a stigma in society.
There are great husbands and wonderful husbands out there, but a cursory glance at the role of mothers and wives across cultures shows that responsibilities are certainly not shouldered equally.
I am not talking about instances where a calamity strikes the household or a spouse suffers a tragic event and is left incapable of taking care of himself.
In some societies, we see the women walking miles to the wells early in the morning to carry water in vats for their households. They then return home to cook and clean and take care of their babies while their husbands are idling away.
We are familiar with countries that "export" wives and mothers to work as domestic helpers while their own children are being cared for by some other relatives.
There is even one country that sees it as the norm for married and single men alike to have a "free Friday" where they can go to town and have non-committal sexual relationships and then return to their households for the rest of the week as if nothing has happened.
I welcome the blogging era because I find that many (women and men) can pour out their thoughts and inner feelings when before they were trapped.
I was reading a blog that went: "I'm wondering lately when enough is enough? There comes a point when you've been sacrificing for a little too long.
"I don't mean it in the general sense, because we all have to make sacrifices, but a specific situation where you give, and give, and give with nothing in return.
"I think we've passed the 'appreciation', sensitivity, compassion, beautiful point and have become desensitised, bitter, frustrated and exhausted.
"I don't think this is a permanent state of mind, or unusual, but we all have a limit."
We are human, lest we forget. There is this innate cry for some normalcy, love, companionship and a co-parent to absorb the never-ending stress of holding a home together.
To this end, I believe that every marriage should start on an equal footing, of love and respect, of bearing responsibilities together, of honouring mutual dreams and of working towards a common goal where no one is expected to shoulder more than she should.
Certainly, a good start would be to let the number of vows made on both sides be equal.
A Blessed Christmas to all Christians.
Source - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/a-partner-need-not-suffer-without-end-1.432848#ixzz2nZKgSYwD
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