IT'S HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO WHAT YOU WANT FOREVER

In July and August this year,  I have to say goodbye to two friends. One whom I was just getting to know better and the other whom I've known for 8 years.

Ivania came into my life when her daughters enrolled at a local school. Getting to know her was effortless as she is unassuming and full of life. I invited her over to my house for tea and  as English is not Ivania's first language, google translate was a big help. I wish I knew Spanish!!

And before we could have more tete a tete, the lockdown came. But communication can take so many forms, if we put our minds to it. There was a slew of WhatsApp messages sharing fun things and things that matter.

So when we could travel out of Ireland again, I got a text from her saying that she and her girls would be boarding the ferry soon. I knew that would eventually come one day but when it came, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Too soon!!!

We had another round of food at the Lakeside and when I brought her home in my car, I knew I would not see her again until I go to Madrid one day.

A.A. Milne said, 'How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.'

Friendship is such a beautiful thing. To have good friends is to be a good friend yourself. I cannot say often enough that good friends don't happen overnight. Like everything else friendship needs nourishment - time, effort, mutual concern. Many have neglected building friendships because of other pressing matters of the day. It is when all is said and done, and the children have flown the nest, and you sit down and say to yourself  'I don't have friends'.

Susan came into my life some 8 years ago. We just clicked from the word go. She is compassionate and we have exchanged recipes and secrets of the heart. Sometime next week, she will be returning to Seattle. We promise ourselves that we must meet in NYC someday at least!

So to my lovely friends who have left something behind in my heart...

I am....

- SAD to see you go

- HAPPY that you are going to have more joy in your life

- EXCITED that the future is bright for you

- ANGRY that you had to go through anything unpleasant during your stay here

- HOPEFUL that we will meet again

- APPRECIATIVE of the moments we shared

- GLAD that I've known you as a friend

- CERTAIN that God is there for you

- OPTIMISTIC that you will be surrounded by lots of love and support

                                               Thank you for being my friend.

A TALE OF TWO COUNTRIES

The waggle dance is a term used in beekeeping to describe a certain figure-eight dance of the honey bee. When a bee dances, its aim is to share information with other members of the colony about the direction and distance farther than 10 metres to floral patches where nectar and pollen are a-plenty. The dance can also convey information about water sources or new nest site locations.

So the idea of a bee sign post couldn't be more appropriate for us.

182km to Dublin. 10912km to Kuala Lumpur.

What has it been like living in two different countries for the last 10 years?

To begin with, the climate, the people and the culture are as different as night and day. And yet there are so many commonalities between the two, if we care to look deeper.

I think it is very easy to complain about any place that we live in but I choose to talk about the positive things instead. I'll list 3 for each country for a start.

MALAYSIA

1. The beauty of multi-ethnicity and multiculturalism

As Malaysians we often take for granted the nature of our society. I find that because we grow up, go to school and work  with different races, we actually reap so many benefits.

We learn to appreciate and be tolerant of differences. We learn many languages and dialects. Before we speak or act, we think about the other person. Will we border on the sensitivities of another? 

We learn to talk and we learn to listen.

We pause and take stock. We learn to live alongside each other instead of attacking one another through our prejudices. As a result our perceptions widen and we are more embracing and inclusive.

Most of the friends I have in Ireland come from mono-cultural societies. I have friends who do not understand why a Malaysian can be a Malay or a Chinese or an Indian. Nor can they understand how Muslims, Hindus, Christians or people of other religions can be great friends.

Because of the different cultures and religions, we open our houses to our friends during festive seasons. We call that 'open house' where we welcome friends to our homes and enjoy our friendship and a variety of good food peculiar to that festivity. We send greeting cards (or electronic ones)  to our friends when we know that they are celebrating the festival - like Christmas, Hari Raya (Eid), Deepavali (Diwali) etc.

 I remember as a child,  my Muslim neighbour used to give us chicken curry and ketupat (cooked rice packs) during Hari Raya (Eid)and our Hindu cleaner would give us mutton curry and putu mayam/ iddayapam (string hoppers) during Deepavali. In return, my parents would give them mandarin oranges and biscuits during Chinese New Year and of course ang pow (money packets) to their children.

2. The beauty of hospitality
I find that hospitality is in the blood of a Malaysian. We love having friends over for sure. We love to cook and to share our food. To an outsider, Malaysian cooking is complicated and time consuming. But we do not complain because it is very satisfying for  us to cook a grand meal to be shared with the people around us. We are proud of our homes and  we invite our friends to our homes. I remember my children's friends coming over every so frequent.

3. The beauty of the weather
I know most Malaysians,  including myself, do not like it when the sun is blazing for 365 days. Yes, we do not have seasons. The sun rises and sets about the same time every day of the year. Because it is warm for the most part of the day, we have a great variety of food served alfresco. Shops open for long hours and eateries are everywhere.

It takes being away from the sun to appreciate the sun. We don't have to watch out for icy roads or frost on our windscreens or frozen pipes. We don't have to wait for endless days of rain to be over. We don't have to put on so many layers and wobble like a Michelin man when we go outdoors. We don't have to watch out for orange or red warnings for storms and put up with endless umbrellas broken by the wind.

IRELAND

1. The beauty of the landscape
I love nature and animals so the Irish landscape is simply beautiful to me. There are low lying mountains and several navigable rivers.  The Wicklow mountains, Moher cliffs, Connemara, West Cork, the Wild Atlantic Way and the Burren are testimony to the varied landscape.

The lush vegetation and woodlands are great for walks. My favourite animals here are the red fox and the badger. 

On a quiet day, you can hear the farmer's tractor whirring. The image of patchwork farms dotted with Friesian cows and frisking lambs is a pure delight. The relatively small population (approx.4.7 million in the republic) means there are lots of open spaces.

I am also in awe of the standing stones and stone circles and dolmens - so many that are far more ancient than the stone henge in Salisbury. The air of mystery they unfold and the immense feeling of being so near  that I can actually touch them is beyond description.

2. The beauty of the weather
The Irish climate is  influenced by the Atlantic ocean and is thus very moderate and the winters are mild. We have 4 seasons in a year, but sometimes you can have 4 seasons in a day.

I like the different seasons because I can do different things and wear different clothes. 

Spring is when I look forward to new life and my gardening starts. Summer is when I travel. Ireland is midway between Europe and the States so it doesn't take too long to fly either way. Autumn is my favourite season because it is not too hot or cold and it is also harvest time for most of my produce. I love it when the leaves turn a beautiful shade of yellow, red and brown. And when Winter comes, I love the warmth and aroma of the turf fed fire and I literally hibernate and rest, to be well prepared for the next Spring.

I like the spirit of volunteerism here, where people really go out to help and it is not for the money. I like the politeness of the general community - a 'howya' greeting along the street in rural Ireland or an acknowledgement from the driver of another car when you let him pass.

I like attending church here because the leaders are humble and the messages down to earth and genuine.

3. The beauty of the Arts

Because of my background in studying and teaching literature, it is a joy to live in the land of literary giants - Wilde, Yeats, Joyce, Seamus Heaney, Samuel Beckett and so many more.  There is a large surviving body of Irish mythological writing and Ireland has its fair share of wordsmiths on the global pedestal and Nobel prize winners in Literature.

There is no shortage of musicals and plays and operas in Bord Gais Theatre, Dublin or more locally at the Belltable or Limetree theatre in Limerick. We go regularly for these and really enjoy the variety and quality of the programmes.

We also enjoy the fairs - whether they are small scale country fairs or large ones like The National Ploughing Festival or Bloom.

So, both Malaysia and Ireland are close to my heart.

I am blessed to be able in live in both countries.

Most importantly, I am surrounded by people who love me in both countries.

TELL YOUR HEART TO BEAT AGAIN

I had a big cactus plant that I grew from a pup. It required very little care, just sunshine and a bit of water now and again. It was healthy and sturdy and it sat nicely on the shelf until I accidentally knocked it one day and it fell. Seeing no harm done, I put it back into the pot and didn't pay much attention to it.

Days passed and I noticed that something was wrong with it. It was literally shrinking before my eyes.

I did an internet search to find out the possible reasons for this malady and I learnt, a tad to late, how to nurture a fallen cactus to full health. Seemingly you will need to examine the wound, excise the rot and apply sulphur powder which is a natural fungicide to the wound.

I took the cactus out of the pot to inspect it and noticed that by then the rot had become so bad, it had given up the ghost.

What had just happened? A fine stately specimen had been reduced to sad pulp, only fit for the compost heap.

There is so much similarity between this wounded thorny object and a human heart.

I was listening to the song 'Tell your heart to beat again' by Danny Gokey and found out the story that inspired the song.

The story goes that a heart surgeon in Ohio once removed a patient's heart to repair it. It was a successful operation but ironically the heart wouldn't beat. Before giving up altogether, the surgeon knelt down beside the unconscious patient and spoke to her:

“Mrs. Johnson, this is your doctor. We have fixed your heart—we have repaired it. There’s nothing wrong with your heart. Mrs. Johnson, if you can hear me, I need you to tell your heart to beat again.”

I can't help thinking of the cactus where the insides were so messed up,  it was beyond living. But if I had intervened earlier, it could have lived.

How many times have we let disease and bad experiences and hurtful memories eat into our insides?

We don't realise that over the years, if not dealt with, the decay gets worse. 

We think that if we don't remember them, they won't affect us. We think that if we avoid dealing with them, we will escape the consequences. It only takes an incident, a song, a word, a deed, even something that happens to someone else - to trigger the pain - and all those memories will crash upon us, just as if they happened yesterday. Very vivid with all the details we thought we had forgotten. Sometimes we don't even realise that they have been there still, after all these years.

Dawna Hetzler the author of 'Walls of a Warrior' says, ' We have to be intentional and want restoration. Begin the journey of forgiveness, prepare to love again, slow yet steady. Believe again. Sing a new song.'

And Mrs. Johnson had to tell her heart to beat again.

She lives still.

LET OUR STARS SHINE

My friend Margarita has this poster on her social media page and even before I read the translation, I know it must mean something beautiful because a picture paints a thousand words.

I see a person climbing a high ladder to stick stars onto the sky. And I see a whole basket of stars pushed by a puny animal. There is effort involved in climbing so high. There is fear involved too if she is afraid of heights. There are so many stars in the basket, so it means lots of time taken to stick them one by one onto the sky. The basket is heavy and the puny animal needs to push it with all her strength. But both the person and the animal continue to do so.

Perseverance.

Translated it means: People who help others shine know that there is room for everyone.

Being selfless. Being supportive. Being encouraging.

But what is more common everywhere is backbiting and stepping on others to get ahead, be it in the real world or in soap operas. People are envious of others having a better life than themselves. Others feel threatened if someone is more capable or has more potential. Sad to say, there are plenty of them around.

I have attended many workshops on creativity. When I really enjoy doing something, I go all out. So even if everyone else makes a simple art piece, I challenge myself to make a more complicated one. Sometimes I don't stop at one.

And when I bring it to the class the following week, some are genuinely excited to see what I have done. But there are always those who will not be happy. You can sense it from their body language. Even the teacher! So a good friend who has seen my works privately, even told me not to bring my best piece to class. Just bring a mediocre piece, so everyone is happy, so no one feels threatened.

What a shame!

If I were the teacher and my student shows great enthusiasm in my class, I would be so proud. If my student outshines me and creates better things using what I have taught as a springboard, I would be over the moon.

I love a good challenge to excel and I challenge others to excel. That has always been the way I encourage my children and support them, even if they are already adults.

My good friends who share with me their insecurities know that I will help them see the best in themselves. Because sometimes we forget our strengths and it takes another person to give us an honest assessment of what we can do and what we can't. Because sometimes we need to be challenged to take the next step, out of our comfort zone.

Why is our worldview so narrow? Why do we tell ourselves that if someone gets ahead, we will be left behind?

I have encountered strange remarks that left me baffled. When I check with my Irish friends, they almost always come to the same conclusion - 'these people are simply jealous of you.'

I am very comfortable in my own skin. I respect the law.  Within the community, I do what I want to do, not because I have to do it. I am not afraid to disappoint others because I choose to be true to myself. No society, custom or habit can influence me to do otherwise. I have no bucket list and I do not desire the bigger house next door. I am content with my lot.

I have also been shocked by people whispering in my ears - usually bad stuff about others - a snide remark, a rolling of eyes. The sad thing is it has become so common, they don't see anything wrong and as long as they don't kill or rob someone, they think gossip is pretty harmless.   It only shows a disgruntled spirit within a very unhappy person indeed.

When someone I know shines, I genuinely feel very happy for her. I don't believe in luck, so I believe she must have done something great to arrive at such an achievement.

To actually help someone achieve more or become a better version of himself takes time and effort and a different perspective of life.

There is always room for another star in the sky. When we let others shine, we will also shine alongside.

The best part is the reward is intangible. A deep satisfaction to see someone else happy. A deep satisfaction within which no one can take away.

MUSINGS

When the night sky is full of stars, it is a wonder to behold. What looks like stars lining up in a straight line, is actually very different in reality because they are very very far apart. But against a dark canvas we can conjure up shapes and patterns in perfect alignment.

I am writing to a 9 year old in Togo and wonder what she could understand. In an earlier letter, she asked me how I spent Christmas. If I describe to her the Christmas tree decked with baubles, would it be a totally alien concept to her? If I told her about the presents received, would she have received any herself?

I thought about circumstances.

It doesn't seem fair that some children have toys that reach to the ceiling while others have none. What kind of a future would she have, living in a very basic shelter that she calls home?

I thought about the documentary that I watched the night before. 

About inmates in prison given a second chance to pursue education at tertiary level. One of the female inmates became a mother at 15 because that was the 'normal' route a girl child would take in her society. Would the Togo child be one of the statistics?

I thought about the different things that we experience as we walk this journey called life. 

Some happy, some sad. We try our best to be the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. But when things go wrong, we wonder whether we had been the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. We are our own harshest critic.

I thought about the different views we hold concerning the present situation. 

My friend asked whether she could come and visit me. I said, we have waited this long, can we wait a little longer until Phase 4?

I thought about the impact the pandemic has left us. 

Why some could still squander their wealth while others do not know where the next meal will come from.

I thought about how much I enjoy my own company. 

Although I long for the time when we could travel freely again, I am also happy where I am - in my home, where there is food on the table, where the air is clean and where my daily 18 hours  are filled with doing what I enjoy most and the remaining 6 hours engaged in a deep sleep with dreams of technicolour. I have attended talks or workshops that do not add value to my day. So I have learnt to make choices, and say No to them.

Whatever it is, the sun still rises in the East and sets in the West.

It is a full spectrum of a day. And if today is a sorrowful day, tomorrow can be totally different. And I am thankful for hope.

I believe nothing happens at random. They are all part of the big picture. Like how we see the stars from afar.

I'M GOING TO A MASQUERADE BALL!

When I was walking down the streets in Venice, I couldn't help admiring all the lovely masks in the shops. There were intricate ones, bedazzled with jewels and there were also some very scary ones.

And when I was conducting a 5 day teacher training workshop in Hanoi, all the teachers came to class wearing cloth masks. Initially I was taken aback, but they had a reason. They rode on motorbikes on dusty roads to the training centre, hence the need for masks.

So I started making masks for my loved ones during this season. Let it not be said that 'A tailor's child has no new clothes'. What started out as an act of love soon turned into a brisk business as friends told friends who told more friends  about the masks. Just when I started to pack away the sewing machine, another new order would come in.

The wonderful thing about knowing how to sew and loving it, is that, I also have loads of stash related to sewing: fabric,interfacing and elastic for instance. All very essential for sewing masks when most of the shops were closed. Buying them online was no help because delivery might take ages.

If we need to wear a mask, then wear it with style. That is my mantra. Just as I have handbags to match my clothes, my masks have personalities and are not generic. 

I asked my friends and family members back in Malaysia and they tell me that it is the done thing to wear a mask when you go out. Even the foreign workers do that. This is directed by the Health Ministry, especially now that Malaysia is on the recovery phase with more relaxed provisions, so spikes must be prevented. In fact, many shops will not admit unmasked customers  and it is mandatory to wear masks on all public transport.

But over here....I could be the only person wearing one while walking on the street. Whenever I see another person wearing a mask, it is so comforting, as if we have a common understanding and we belong to a band of bonded sisters! 

And there are funny episodes too.

I was trying to get some lamb livers for my dog Hachi who had a bout of nose bleeds and was recovering. So I reasoned that he needed more iron to replenish blood loss. There I was at a safe distance behind the meat counter and I uttered these words.

Me: Do you have lamb livers please?

(What the butcher heard: oip iuyt uiinuy tytb iyyl poiuytrt?)

Butcher: So  you want a piece of sirloin steak?

I burst out laughing behind my mask. He was ingenious. Trying hard to make sense of the mumble behind the mask.

In another instance, I encountered a group of unmasked teenagers along a narrow lane. Upon seeing me, one of them freaked out and immediately pulled his sweater up over his mouth and nose. I needn't have to carry a bell and yell, 'Leper coming through!'

Much has been deliberated over the benefits of masks. The fear that you'll forget to do the necessary hand washing and social distancing for example. The fear that there will be a mad rush for masks, think toilet paper frenzy. The fear that there will be insufficient masks for the front liners.

There is of course mask etiquette. If you wear one, you need to learn how to wear it correctly, take it off correctly, dispose of it correctly or wash it correctly.

The thing is you'll never know what is lurking around the corner. 

I was walking to the post office and lo and behold, there was this person behind me who was coughing and coughing without a care in the world and without a mask. When I was at the supermarket, the fish monger released a series of sneezes. The first sneeze was caught by the mask, and he then took off his mask to sneeze even more!! This is my version of what Joseph Conrad would call The Horror! The Horror! in Heart of Darkness.

So while the nation debates the pros and cons of mask wearing, I will visualise that  I'm going to a masquerade ball every time I go out.

And if it is a ball that I am going to, I'll make sure that my head is held high, and I'm walking with pride as in a triumphal procession celebrating the gift of life and good health.

I SPY A ROBIN NEST

There's a deep hole in our apple tree trunk. And in that hole lives a mama robin, sitting on her blue eggs. She is there everyday watching the world outside from the safety of her nest.

There are two questions in my mind.

1. Why are robin eggs blue?
2. What is the mama robin feeling right now?

The answers to the first question are plenty - from scientific observations to the more fun  claims of bird psyche.

According to wikipedia birds that typically lay eggs in open exposed areas often have lighter coloured eggshells. On the other hand, eggs that are are laid in concealed locations sheltered from the sun are more likely to have darker hues.  The blue colour in robin eggs is due to biliverdin, a pigment deposited on the egg shell when the female lays the eggs. There is some evidence that higher biliverdin levels indicate a healthier female and brighter blue eggs.

New research suggests that the bluish colour helps facilitate just the right amount of light absorption - and thus the right temperature without overexposure.

Then we also have a fun conclusion like egg colour influencing male parental care. Apparently, males whose nests contain the brightest blue eggs feed their newly-hatched babies twice as much.

Answers to the second question are more difficult to find.

Mainly because I don't speak robin. I can see her eyes following me closely but I can't pop my head into the nest and ask how she is feeling. I wonder if she is bored. I wonder if she just can't wait for her eggs to hatch and for her babies to fledge. I wonder if the noise made by the lawn mower frightens her.

This brings me to the present situation that we are in.

Sure, we are tempted to violate the rules and go out and have a fun time. Sure, we want to visit each other and have tea and cakes like we used to. Sure, we want to have that thrill of saying we have escaped the police checkpoint.

Why do we violate rules and good advice? Is it an act of defiance? Is it misinformation? Is it for the lack of knowledge? Is it taking things for granted? Or is it pure selfishness?

I think it is a bit of everything.

My well meaning friend who missed me so much called me to join her for a cup of tea at her house. The problem is her house is more than 5km from my place. I said. NO.

Another good friend wants to come over to visit me. I said NO.

Nobody likes to stay indoors when the weather is grand. Now is certainly not the time for non essential activities. Now is not the time to invite someone over or to go to another person's house for something that can wait.

We might say, well we are healthy and they are healthy, so why worry?

The fact is no one knows exactly how 'healthy' we are at a particular point of time. Infection can be asymptomatic. Confined places can be infested with germs. Rules on safe distancing and meeting in open spaces were not created on a whim.

Because if you fall sick, you need someone else to take care of you. If you fall sick, you can infect another person. So it is not all about YOU or what you want to do. Think before you ask someone to go to your house. Think before you go to another person's house. Think before you invite someone into your house.

The mama robin is in her nest for a reason. She is keeping herself safe and her eggs safe. By so doing, she knows one day her family will be able to stretch their wings and fly. In the meantime, she will do the wisest thing and wait.

And yet humans have coined the term bird brain?