TO GO OR NOT TO GO

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference

'THE ROAD NOT TAKEN' by Robert Frost has been well used to depict many things and one of course is about matters of the heart. How many of us have been caught in the predicament of having to choose one or the other or having to stay put or to move on? No one can give you answers but ultimately you have to decide because therein lies your happiness and your future. The scenario of whether to keep on surviving in a family or to live your life is present and very real. We may not want to talk about it but someday sometime we will need to take stock or forever live to die in a world of the living. As with every major move taken there are advantages and disadvantages. It takes great resolve and determination and courage to step out, to analyse and to decide. I am talking about marriage and divorce. Traditionally for a married person there is only one road: staying put. This is well and fine when things are in order But the difficult part is even if the world collapses you are expected to stay put because marriage comes as a package and there is no back door. I speak mostly for the woman who often puts others before herself, particularly her children. But reality says there are two roads: staying put or moving on. So we weigh the pros and cons. This may be simplistic but generally true.

STAYING PUT IN A MARRIAGE WROUGHT WITH PROBLEMS- What are the Advantages? The family is intact. The children are spared the physical and emotional pain of separation especially if they are still young.There is a 50-50 chance that things may improve through hard work, communication or divine intervention.There will be no condemnation heaped on you from religious bodies, family and friends. There will be praises for you as the unsung hero who has brought the family through. What are the Disadvantages? Lots of stress, tears and unhappiness.Feelings of being shortchanged.Feelings of being taken for granted and advantaged of.Always wondering about the road not taken. Possible ‘cold wars’ during retirement years when both of you can no longer communicate. Your responsibility of taking care of the kids is over as they have flown the nest. You are 2 strangers living in a hotel called marriage. Possibility of problems remaining as they are with no change. Worse, more problems may occur.Tendency to escape through fantasy, real or cyber relationships with the opposite sex because consciously or unconsciously you are seeking to fill the void in your soul.Tendency for other males to gravitate towards you because the void in you will manifest itself unknowingly.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAY PUT A resilient spirit, a non-complaining spirit, knowing that God is your best confidante and anchor. Do not wash your dirty linen in public. Confide in very close friends only.Cut off ALL intimate relationships with other men or women, real or in cyberspace which are robbing family time, husband-wife time. Such relationships can be a crutch, a fantasy. All three (husband, wife, other person) will feel cheated and hurt.Work at communication. Seek professional help if necessary.

MOVING ON TO PRESERVE YOU SANITY- What are the Advantages? A sense of freedom and joy that you have not felt for years. A liberation indeed from the shackles. The yoke on your shoulder has been lifted. No additional burdens, worries or unpleasant surprises from him/her. A time to explore new and better relationships. A time for your children to be more matured, more responsible, more realistic and kinder and appreciative towards others. What are the Disadvantages?

FEELINGS of anger, sadness, depression, helplessness, loneliness, and guilt. You will need good friends for support and go for a ‘guilt-free’ programme. Self help programmes are available via the internet. Children may not be able to accept the new situation. Solution: start preparing them now.

RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS and SOME FRIENDS will condemn you. Colleagues will gossip. This is when you find out who your true friends are. Solution: delete all wounding mail. Trash belongs to the trashcan. You don’t need anyone’s approval for what you want to do, esp. so when the person hasn’t walked the mile with you. Confide in people who care enough.

INDEPENDENCE: Everything is in your hands now – the leaking faucet, the fused wire, the punctured tyre, income tax returns etc. Solution: start being independent: get contacts for technicians, plumbers etc. You might be fleeced by unscrupulous people out to make a fast buck from a divorcee…….but what is a little money lost compared to sanity of mind?

PAIN: The whole process of divorce is painful. Leaving or seeing the other pack the bags and leave. Meeting in court. Seeing him/her pick the children up after the divorce. If both parties are agreeable, divorce in Malaysia is granted after 6 months. If one party contests, the tug-of-war will last 2 years or more. The cost varies. The longer the proceedings take, the more expensive it is. Adjusting to divorce is a process that takes time, so allow yourself time to heal and remember to focus on one day at a time.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOU CHOOSE TO MOVE ON? A lot of will power, focus, independence and determination. Knowing that you have thought it through carefully and given your best shot. Knowing that you can walk away without regrets or fear of condemnation. Knowing that you deserve better, a piece of heaven on earth. Some people who genuinely care for you.

HELPFUL REMINDERS You only live once and you are responsible for your own happiness. Whatever road you take, be at peace with God. Do not be affected by what others say or think. Your life is yours, not theirs. In a relationship, both parties should live. If one party is living while the other party is dying, which party do you want to be? God loves you no matter which road you take. Going to heaven or hell does NOT depend on good or failed relationships. Take some time out to think. If you go somewhere faraway for a few weeks, you will see the big picture, and that will help you decide the road you wish to take.

Free at Last

Living life as it is wins hands down

HAVING left the working world a few years ago, the question of whether I should return to the working world with all its grind and glory does pose a temptation at times. This is especially so when I go out shopping and shopkeepers wonder if I had taken a day off and I would smile and politely say that every day is a day off to me. Then there are friends who are still going to the office daily and they would tell me the happenings of the day. The greatest temptation is when someone offers me a lucrative job. I certainly do not miss the traffic jam, the office politics, the red tape or the injustices. But truth be told, I miss teaching. Period.

So, I would go through this long mental debate of whether I should go out into the dog-eat-dog world again, feel those extra wads of cash in my pocket, see the faces of my students and why I opted out in the first place. The result is always the same: living life as it is wins hands down.

It is living life in its raw simplicity, seeing things through the eyes of a child -- full of curiosity and amazement. I enjoy animated films because they are creative and fun, the most recent being Hotel Transylvania where Dracula with all his fangs bites no one. I enjoy comic heroes like Superman, Spiderman or Batman because they are larger than life. They suspend reality and portray the element of hope. It is living life in celebration of my strengths and trying to achieve a good balance between who I am and what I want to be. It is a space where I have carved for myself to nurture my self worth which is no longer defined by an academic degree or a pay cheque or a life in a prestigious enclave of the city with the rich and famous. Mark Twain says, "A man cannot be comfortable with himself without his own approval." I can retreat into my creative side and make cards or paint or write or read. I can be a friend by inviting others to my home anytime for home brewed tea and egg sandwiches. Speaking of which, after two years of waiting for the carpenter, the electrician and the contractor, I finally have a room that screams of my presence everywhere. It bears distinctive touches of its mistress: a world of collectibles, childhood memories and sepia-toned photographs. It is a room where yet another string can be added to my bow, and I can be stronger. I have decided to name it Howards End after E.M. Forster's novel which revolves around refuge and ownership.

It is living life in the knowledge that we make mistakes again and again but we can heal and recover. It is when we go through a variety of experiences that we can empathise with others and offer a shoulder for someone else to cry on. It is living life with more time in my hands. There is no clocking in or clocking out. I can go to bed late without worrying about the alarm clock. I can sleep in if the winds are still howling outside and the frost is building up. I can refuse to leave the warm duvet and instead watch the birds fight over the unfortunate worm that has decided to wriggle out of the damp ground. I can just choose to take that carrot or that chunk of meat out of the refrigerator as and when I want to cook without having to pre-plan the meal the night before. It is certainly easier to make adjustments, to pack the bags and go for a holiday or to attend to an urgent matter without having to apply for leave It is living life in anticipation of what is to come. Autumn with its mellow fruitfulness is almost over. The leaves are falling and covering the sidewalks and soon winter will be here. My coats, hats, boots and gloves will resurface from the closet and I will have great fun coordinating what goes with what. It is also living with the excitement that my children have grown a little older, a little more mature and independent and a lot more precious. It is feeling happy in one's own skin. It is to be content.

Read more: Living life as it is wins hands down - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/living-life-as-it-is-wins-hands-down-1.172749#ixzz2Cae9rqEI

Some things you treasure, some you cast aside

WHEN we think of Vikings we normally associate them with brutality and plundering. It is no wonder that in ancient times people lived in fear of their raids. So, they built round towers. Scattered around Ireland are the remains of 65 round towers. Mostly built between the 7th and 10th centuries, these towers can be as high as 34m. I had the privilege of visiting two handsome round towers at Clonmacnoise in County Offaly: the O'Rourke tower and McCarthy's Tower. They are a unique Irish form of architecture and a puzzle as to why they were built. Some antiquarians say that these towers were lookouts for approaching raiders. They provided refuge from attacking Vikings and could also double as places to hide treasure. Round towers usually have a single door two to three metres above the ground. Those escaping from the Vikings would climb up a portable ladder and enter the tower. Once the last man or the last box of treasure was safely inside the tower, the ladder was removed.

Looking at the towers made me take stock of the treasures of our lives. If faced with marauding raiders, what kind of precious things do we want to stash away? Money is one of them.

In my father's time, I have heard of very miserly people who would eat rice porridge dribbled with soya sauce for most meals and upon their death, stacks of cash were found strapped to the mattress. I have heard of little old ladies bringing in rusty Milo tins to the jewellers. Inside those tins were thick gold chains and precious stones of every kind to exchange for cash. To me, the treasures that I would like to store are traits that money cannot buy: living responsibly, meeting a need and making a better choice. The phenomenon of the irresponsible young is everywhere, be it on the big screen or in reality. It is a generation of "me first" and the world "owes me a living". When these young people do not have what they want, they take to the streets to loot and to strike fear in others. Recent riots in developed cities bear testimony to that. It makes me wonder whose fault it is that they have become slothful and selfish. The British Broadcasting Corporation aired a programme on living with the Amish recently. It showed how six British teenagers volunteered to experience a totally different lifestyle in the Amish community. One of the most admirable tenets of the Amish is the simple lifestyle that is built around family, religion and hard work. So, for these teenagers who never laid a hand on housework and slept till way past sunrise, this experience with the Amish was a treasure that humbled them. Lastly, the power of making the better choice is also within our hands. We can choose how we think and how we react to a situation. Having said that, I am reminded of a trip to Galway recently. It was a much planned for trip but as the Irish weather is no respecter of plans, it started to rain. The rain then gave way to sleet.

Galway is a place with lovely streets, where artistes put up acts and vendors ply their wares. I could continue to walk in the sleet and rain without an umbrella or an anorak and risk coming down with the sniffles or I could agree with the suggestion that it would be better to turn back and go home. It was with great reluctance that I chose the latter but not without a million grumbles going through my mind: If I had driven the car it would be different; if this had been Kuala Lumpur it would be different; if I had come on my own it would have been different .... So, with a mental act of resolve, I pictured all the grumbles as little bits of coal. I put the coal, one by one, into a bag, sealed it and put it into the bin. Why coal, I wondered to myself. Possibly because coal can ignite and coal can diffuse. Strangely once the bag of coal was in the bin, I felt better. The journey home was pleasant enough and we stopped by Mother Hubbard's for a glorious meal. Galway can wait.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/some-things-you-treasure-some-you-cast-aside-1.166181