THE THINGS THAT BLIND US

As Felix the deer is crossing the road, he stops to stare at the headlights of an approaching car.

Peter Rabbit: Felix blink! Blink!

Felix: Headlights

The above is an excerpt from the movie Peter Rabbit based on Beatrice Potter’s much loved creation. Deer are crepuscular. Crepuscular, a word drawn from the Latin word for “twilight,” is a term for animals that are active primarily at dawn and dusk. This means that their vision is optimized for very low light. Therefore, confronted with headlight beams, the deer’s eyes are fully dilated to capture as much light as possible. It cannot see at all until the eyes are adjusted. So basically they are blinded by the light and they just freeze.

Somehow the image of the deer transfixed by the lights strikes a chord in me because we too can be blinded at times and I can think of four occasions.

1. Shakespeare wrote in Merchant of Venice, Act 2, scene 6, "Love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit."

Partly to blame are those ‘feel-good’ chemicals in our brains when we fall in love that we tend to overlook or gloss over huge character flaws especially during the courting stage. We can be so blinded that we fail to realise that only one party gives in or apologizes most of the time in the hope of making the relationship work. Surmounting lies and constant disagreements or shouting matches wear the relationship thin. To be expected to fix a partner’s problems most of the time and to listen all the time are shifty grounds to build a relationship on. On hindsight, most of us would agree that we’ve been there and done that and now feel a little foolish.

2. Helen Keller said that the only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

Vision is about having a dream and pursuing it. It is about seeing with the mind’s eye and planning. The corporate world has vision statements and we should have our own personal vision that drives us. Vision is built on what we do and with whom we interact. It is what we want to do, become or accomplish. It goes beyond surviving daily.

An individual with vision soars above the mundane. Gossiping or idle talk is of no interest to her. It is interesting to note that those who gossip also hear a lot of gossip themselves because like minds congregate. There is this all too familiar: Have you heard? This is usually accompanied by the right palm half covering the mouth so that whoever in the vicinity who is not supposed to hear it will not hear it. In smaller towns especially it becomes a national past time.

When people ask me why I do not gravitate towards tittle tattle, my reply is always the same: I have only 18 waking hours and I intend to use them productively pursuing my passion.

3. Someone said the eyes are useless when the mind is blind.

I think one of the greatest tragedies of mankind is when we refuse to embrace the new - whether it is new food, new language, new people or new ideas. There were several occasions when people asked my opinion about what Asians do. Take child raising for example. In all sincerity I shared some of the methods that worked for me and I was very surprised that they were not open to them at all. I understood later that they were asking for the sake of asking but not to learn. I remember as a young mother, I valued the advice of mothers who had raised wonderful children.

4. Mark Twain said kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see

If we look at the headlines of any newspaper, it is obvious that there is very little kindness left. Kindness is when we make time to visit someone, to sit and have coffee with her or show concern over her welfare. Kindness is when we speak a word of encouragement and lift someone up in prayer. I cannot help but feel touched when a friend told me how she would leave some chicken for the hungry foxes who come a-calling at night. Another makes sure the hedgehog families are safe when she cuts the hedgerows.

Towards the end of the Peter Rabbit movie, Felix the deer managed to use his ‘blindness’ for a good cause.

Many are blinded by their own ego, their own upbringing, their own culture or their own perceived superiority complex. If only we can be blinded by good stuff like generosity, selflessness, and everything that is positive instead.

MAKING MOMENTS FOR MYSELF

I’ve just come across a pack of MoMe cards which I think is a brilliant idea to start the day with. 

These are actually flash cards that remind us to make the best of our world each day. It is creating a tent around ourselves and disciplining our thoughts to focus on what build us up instead of tearing us down.

I will list 6 of my favourites:

1. Be aware of what is happening right now instead of wishing it was different.

This is especially for us who have lots of plans. Plans are good and vision far better. The danger is to keep focussing on what could have been or will be and miss out on the present. It is like the child who can’t wait to grow up and the adult who wishes she is younger. We can be content if we purpose in our hearts to love our child or significant other for who he is instead of wishing that he is  someone else. We can be content if we purpose in our hearts to be satisfied with ‘enough’ and not yearn for ‘more’.

2. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

There are some people whom we can relate to easily and others whom we have nothing in common. Choosing friends and acquaintances becomes an art in itself. There are conversations and social obligations that leave us drained and others that build us up. The secret is to know how to walk away from stressful company before we suffer from burnout.

3. Have fun. Fall in love. Regret nothing, and don’t let people bring you down.

"In Memoriam A.H.H." is a poem by the British poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The most frequently quoted lines in the poem are perhaps

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

I must say there are many people who discourage rather than encourage. It takes great resolve not to let people discourage us as we all have feelings and most of us are easily hurt. So we need to be reminded that we are in control of how we respond to discouraging words.

4. Never feel bad for putting yourself first and doing what is right for you.

I meet some people who have no qualms about putting themselves first. They are very forward in what they say and brutally frank in what they think and do. Yet there are many of us who are always putting others above ourselves and find it hard to do what we know is right for ourselves. It sounds simplistic but I think much of this is due to upbringing, culture and religious beliefs.

5. Today will be as wonderful as you make it. Appreciate the little things.

We are governed by our thoughts and speech. Ireland is wet most times and most people complain about the incessant rain. I have a friend who told me that if there is sunshine in your soul it doesn’t matter what the weather is outside. I find this absolutely true..  If I were to let the weather bother me, I’d never be able to see the beauty of living here. I always tell myself if it rains I’ll find joy indoors. If the sun is shining (which is quite a rare thing) I’ll find joy outdoors. I enjoy capturing moments with my camera. Food is tastier when we admire the garnish and the presentation. Clouds are prettier when we see formations of castles and knights in our mind’s eye.

6. You can’t make everyone happy. You are not a bar of chocolate.

I firmly believe that I cannot please everyone. My maxim has always been to do the right thing even if it hurts myself or others. We try to please because we are afraid of losing. We don’t want to lose a friendship or a relationship. To me if we are not afraid to lose, that is when we have won. Making a stand is about the hardest thing ever.

But when a stand is made or when I stay true to what I believe in, then there is freedom. It is in losing that we find. E.E.Cummings in 100 selected poems says, “For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), it's always ourselves we find in the sea.”

The words on the MoMe flash cards are not new. The only difference is that we put them in strategic places to remind ourselves so that they become personalised. The ultimate goal is of course to be able to internalise these maxims one day without having to be reminded by flashcards anymore.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES 10 DECEMBER 2017 

https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2017/12/312882/making-moments-myself

LESSONS FROM WINNIE THE POOH

I am going to buy an umbrella that is windproof that is designed to be resistant to strong wind gusts. In Ireland an umbrella is a necessity because there are so many ‘blustery days’ in the words of Winnie the Pooh.

Winnie the Pooh has always been one of my favourite childhood characters. Not so much the mass produced Disney version of the orange coloured bear but the original vintage hand drawn bear.

I don’t know whether Winnie the Pooh is as famous as Mickey Mouse but the fact that he is actually 91 (his longevity must be due to the health benefits of honey, his favourite food) this year earns him some space in my article this week.

Created by A.A. Milne in 1926, he lives on the Hundred Acre Wood which in reality is a cultivated pine plantation called the Five Hundred Acre Wood, South East England. Pooh Corner in Hartfield village is home to a large selection of ‘Poohphernalia’.

His search for honey makes him an unwelcome guest to the bees or even to his friend Rabbit who fears Pooh might eat him out of house and home. He is quite a celebrity even. On Queen Elizabeth’s 90^th birthday last year, Winnie went to Buckingham palace and presented her with a song.

But he is endearing alright and most of all his philosophy of life is actually rather helpful.

No overthinking.

Rightfully so, as he is a bear of very little brain and is stuffed with fluff. Most of us tend to worry too much or analyse too much. Truth be told most of the stuff that we worry about never actually materialise in the end. Sometimes we over analyse another person’s words and get ourselves all worked up. When we finally seek clarification from the person who uttered the words, we find that they may not be what we thought they were in the first place. Unfortunately, not everyone seeks clarification and so we may go through days or even years being upset over what we thought we heard. Sounds convoluted but it is true.

No fences.

“Tigger is all right, really,” said Piglet lazily. “Of course he is,” said Christopher Robin. “Everybody is really,” said Pooh. “That’s what I think.” (The House at Pooh Corner, p. 108) There is this air of acceptance in the face of staggering differences. It has often been said that a stranger is a just a friend I haven’t met yet. Far too often we base our judgement of others through first impressions because there are so many in-built filters in our minds. These filters could be anything from experiences, opinions, prejudices and judgements.

Granted some of these first impressions are right. It is most natural that we find comfort among those who are of similar disposition and share our interests. But I have met so many that I never thought I could be great friends with because they are so very different from me. Imagine if I have not allowed myself to embrace these differences, I would have missed out on such a great friendship.

No such thing as a silly question.

One of the greatest technique to learn something new is to ask. Children are never afraid to ask. But adults generally are more reserved in that area due to embarrassment or pride perhaps. I find myself asking a lot of questions because I want to know the specific.

Sometimes the person at the other end thinks I’m an ignoramus and gets impatient with me.

Recently I signed up for a postal service called AddressPal whereby I am given a postal address in the UK for online purchases. The website was not very clear so I called up the customer service and asked for specific information. I could sense the voice on the other end of the line getting agitated by my questions.

Then there are those who give very vague answers. The plumber tells me that he’s coming after dinner to fix my leaky pipe. To me that is no help at all because I wouldn’t know what time he eats his lamb stew and spuds. So when I ask him for a possible time he feels pressured.

So, how did I end up writing about Pooh’s philosophy of life? Oh yes, it is about buying a windproof umbrella and I should get it now before the blustery day comes.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA, 21 MAY 2017.  https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2017/05/241116/lessons-winnie-pooh