MUCH TALK ABOUT NOTHING

I was in a confined space for 20 minutes with 2 strangers. It was a totally relaxed space and there was nothing to prevent me from listening to their conversation unless I had ear plugs on. Let’s call the two men Paddy and Ollie.

Paddy: ‘ I was driving to the stadium yesterday for the match. **** the jam was so long you couldn’t bear it in this cold! And the lads were getting hungry and were asking for Supermac’s! **** asking for chicken when the cars are choc-a-bloc! So I called my aunt and asked how she was doing. Grand she said. She was watching the match on telly. And here I was in this ****jam. By the time we reached there it was half time! Then there was this….

Ollie: My lad’s going to San Francisco this weekend for a match. Imagine, all the way there. He’s in Cork you know. Did Masters in Education there and never came back to Clare…..

And both of them went on and on and I wished I could record it all because the talk was so colourful, so random and so peppered with expletives that even your grandmother would blush. I couldn’t find any full-stops in that talk.

Was that a conversation?

It certainly wasn’t a heart to heart or a head to head conversation. At best, it was a talk, albeit an informal one, between two  people, in which news and ideas were exchanged. Paddy and Ollie probably met each other before and knew each other by sight. They were busy talking about themselves and I wonder how anyone could keep track with all the meandering of topics. Was that a dialogue?

A dialogue can mean a focused and intentional conversation - a space where those who differ may listen and speak. It can also mean a way of being - mindful and creative relating - where we set aside the need to win, so we can hear other voices and possibilities. In this respect, no, it wasn’t a dialogue.

Both were too absorbed in talking. You couldn’t get in a word erstwhile and I was actually counting the seconds when Paddy would stop talking and Ollie begin. I wouldn’t be surprised if no one was listening except me.

I am told that this is the way conversations go in pubs as well. It is no wonder when the beloved goes to a local and I ask him what did you lads talk about? He said, ‘Nothing’.

I always wonder why people talk so much and listen so little. I say listen because people hear more than they listen.

According to the dictionary, hearing is simply the act of perceiving sounds by the ear. If you are not hearing-impaired, hearing simply happens. Listening, however, is something you consciously choose to do. Listening requires concentration so that your brain processes meaning from words and sentences.

We choose to hear what we want to hear and we jump to conclusions. Then we react because we think we heard what we imagined we heard. Give me one person who listens before he speaks then a thousand who hear and babble. If only we engage more in appreciative listening, critical listening, relationship listening and discriminating listening.

And when we actually talk, make the talk worthwhile.

There is a place for small talk like being caught in a jam or going to Supermac's 
for a chicken dinner. 

 But that should not be the be all and end all of conversations. 

Certainly it is very ‘safe talk’ because you are not sharing anything substantial. 

But this is very superficial and I can’t see that as a basis for friendships. 

It’s always nice  when some one says, ‘It was a pleasure talking to you.’

I enjoy good conversation where you can walk away sharing a little of yourself and knowing a  bit more about your friend to appreciate her better.. Even if I were to be in the midst of strangers, it would be such a delight where everyone is given a chance to participate in a discusssion on things that they know or do not know.

So after a good 20 minutes, Paddy and Ollie decided to leave. And they turned to me and said,  bye, see you later.

So at least they knew I was there.

NO WINNERS IN PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

I was having my favourite cuppa in a delightful little cafe, alfresco, on a beautiful 

sunny day. 

A rare thing indeed to feel the heat, and it would be a great crime if such fine weather

is not experienced in its fullest, outdoors.

Some people read while having the cuppa. Others fiddle with their phones or whatever 

gadgets they have.

I prefer to watch and learn.

Across the table sat a young mother and a restless child running here and there except 

sitting at the table where he should be.

She was coaxing him to have his orange juice and the fine breakfast on the table. 

She was piling on him a shower of terms of endearment - honey, my little man, 
darling, sweetie....Every possible term except a cross word.

With all the ditsy fleeting from table to table, the inevitable happened. He banged

headfirst into  a table corner.

All pandemonium broke lose. He bawled his eyes out and the mother swooped over him

like an eagle and tried to kiss away his tears.

Then she took him by the hand and led him to the offensive table. Vehemently, she

started beating the table and said, 'bad table, bad table' as if her golden child 

could do no wrong.  Immediately the boy was satisfied and the tears stopped. 

Completely bemused, I did not know whether to laugh or cry.

There were many laughable things I had done as a young mother once but blame 

shifting was definitely not one of them.

What was she teaching her child?

That it was alright to be careless? That unruly behaviour was acceptable in public? 

Or did she just want a quick fix to maintain order and quiet?

It is strange but when we are caught doing something unacceptable, we blame 

someone else, never ourselves.

Wasn't it Adam who blamed Eve for sharing with him the forbidden fruit?

When people in office resign when a misdeed has been exposed, there is a certain

level of accountability there.

Bob Marley said, emancipate ourselves from mental slavery. No one but ourselves

 can free our minds.

Learning to accept consequences is a great step towards freeing our minds. Being

accountable for what we do helps shape intentions and execution of plans.

I  used to watch Sesame Street with my children. There is this clip whereby a little

girl contemplates popping a balloon with a pin near her baby brother who is sleeping.

Then she rationalises that the noise would wake her brother up and his fit of crying would make her mum angry with her. Then she would be sent to bed and she would

miss eating the cookies in the oven.

She then puts the balloon down and says ' who wants to pop this nice balloon 

anyway'.

People are generally careless and inconsiderate. To find someone who is mindful 

and kind is such a rarity.

This is not to be confused with the concept of mindfulness which has become a present 

day buzzword, and if you are not focussing on your inhaling and exhaling, then you are 

certainly missing out on the greatest discovery on earth.

So, if children are not taught from young to be accountable for their deeds, it is not 

surprising that we are constantly surrounded by adults who bask in their own glory and 

blame others when things go belly up.

It is a sad generation that thinks they can do no wrong and that the world owes them a

living.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES
MALAYSIA, 4 SEPTEMBER 2016
http://www.nst.com.my/news/2016/09/170619/no-winners-playing-blame-game

GREAT COMPANY WITH OPEN HEARTS

It's not everyday that you decide to join a group and almost immediately find a sense of belonging. I'm talking about the Irish Countrywomen’s Association, (ICA) the largest women’s organisation in Ireland, with over 15000 members. 

Founded in 1910, it seeks to provide social and educational opportunities for women and to improve the standard of rural and urban life in Ireland.

Among the many roles during its early days, it worked against rampant antifeminism , promoted good health and encouraged rural housewives to establish home industries and take an active role in public and intellectual life. The association also sought to develop an Irish artistic and crafts identity. Crafts and skills courses are still run at its centre An Grianan in Termonfeckin, County Louth.

When I went for the first ICA guild meeting at Castletroy, I didn’t know what to expect. I was amicably warned before hand that the members would be ladies from a different era altogether and that the association would not be relevant to someone like myself. After all, I wasn’t born in Ireland and surely Kuala Lumpur would not be regarded as ‘countryside’ either.

Well, the moment I stepped into the hall, there was this sense of welcome that broke boundaries. Everyone was like a friend that I hadn’t met before. There was a genuine interest to know a new person and to make sure that she wasn’t left out.

I remember trying to make sense of the neighbourhood when I first arrived in Ireland.

The Irish are know to be friendly. However, more often than not, the onus lies on the newcomer to persevere through ‘friendly groups’ till she finds a good friend in the group whom she can relate to. I can fully understand why people from other countries do not mingle with the locals. Adjustment to new surroundings is already a battle in itself and to have to make a huge effort just to get to know someone new can be rather daunting. Worse still if efforts are not reciprocated and after several tries, it is no wonder that they give up trying. 

So it was a breath of fresh air when I went for that first meeting

What struck me was the  generosity and genuine friendship that the ladies offer.

So far, I've seen more takers than givers . We learnt how to make table centre pieces and after I had completed mine, the other members gave me more candles and decorative birds, in case I wanted to do a second piece at home. When it came to drawing raffle tickets, a lady offered to give me her prize when she saw I had not won anything.

Could it be because we share the same ethics and good manners of yesteryear? Could it be the display of selflessness and consideration that seem to be so lacking in the present generation?

Could it be because I see humility among ladies who are more senior than I am when far too often I face arrogant younger people who think the world owes them a living?

Could it be that they actually mean what they say? When someone in the group randomly invites you to her house for tea, you know she means it. And when you reach her house, you see that she has made the apple pie (with dollops of cream by the side) specially for you.

There was a birthday tea party that we staged for one of our members at the GAA hall in Monaleen The best China graced the makeshift tables  that were neatly covered with linen tablecloths. The details that went into the planning showed the level of care and appreciation.

After the tea, a great number of ladies made their way to the kitchen, rolled up their sleeves, and did the washing up. They were mothers, grandmothers, homemakers and professionals. No one thought of herself as above the rest.Hi.

Organisations like the ICA are still relevant despite the lament that not many in the younger set are keen to join. It may not be what it was in the 1900s. It has evolved with the times and it can still be attractive to the current crowd.

There is always room for great company with open hearts. My only regret is that I should have discovered the association sooner.

Indeed I have found my place.

This article was originally printed in the New Straits Times Malaysia 15 May 2016

http://www.nst.com.my/news/2016/05/145665/great-company-open-hearts

MINDING WHAT IS NOT YOURS

                        

                        I believe that many of us have lent someone something that belongs to us, a book for example,  

                        and when it is returned to us (if it ever gets returned at all) it is not quite in the same

                        original pristine condition.            
                        I remember there was a time when text books were passed 
                        down from one sibling to another. 

                       We took great care of them because we knew someone else would be using them. 

                       My sister was in primary six when my cousin who was in primary five wanted to borrow 

                        her textbooks for the following  academic year. 

                       Because I was in primary four and had no need of the books yet, my mother decided 

                       that my cousin could use the textbooks. However, when the cousin finally returned 

                       the books to us, we were aghast that most of the pages were scribbled all over

                       and had dog ears. There was also a strange musty smell reeking from the pages. 

                       

                       We agreed never to lend any more textbooks to that particular cousin. 

                       

                       Well, I have just experienced this again.

                       This time it is not a textbook but one of my favourite craft books and it certainly is not

                        cheap. To say that my heart bled when my book came back bedraggled and beyond

                        recognition is indeed an understatement. I never expected that from an adult.

                        

                       It baffles me why people fail to mind what is not theirs. It is to know how to appreciate,

                       to recognize and to take care of what belongs to others. It is an example of good stewardship 

                       over things that are put in our custody. That is integrity and respect. 

                       People are careless about things that belong to others when they are not taught accountability.

                       It is never too late to learn that there are negative consequences for negative actions. Imagine 

                       if a child breaks something that does not belong to them and the parent pays for the damage. 

                      I would not be surprised if the child grows into an adult who always looks for a 

                      get- out- of- jail- free card. 

                                    

                      Teach the child to treat the things that belong to others exactly as they would like their things 

                      to be treated. Requiring the child to pay for any items damaged due to lack of respect will teach 

                      him to think twice about not respecting another person's things. Unfortunately with families getting

                      more financially affluent and parents having fewer kids by  choice, getting children to face and pay 

                     for their misdeeds might seem quite barbaric indeed. 

                             

                      And it is not only the lack of consideration for things alone that irks me.

                       If I may stretch the concept further, the same scene confronts us daily when we see how people 

                      will keep their own homes spotless and yet litter parks, playgrounds and roads.  

                      Most public amenities are a sorry sight especially toilets. We see people walking their dogs without

                      picking up after them and others getting drunk at night and littering the sidewalks with empty

                      beer bottles. The golden rule is to leave everything a bit better than when you found it. 

                      I once had an apartment that was rented out to a student. When he finally vacated the building, 

                      I found the marble furniture broken. In addition, the wardrobe had missing hinges, the bedclothes 

                      and  walls were scribbled all over with permanent ink and the place was immensely filthy. 

                      And all this happened within six months. After all the repairs, I decided to sell the apartment to 

                      avoid further heartache.  

       

                      How many times have we also felt our space and peace being invaded?

                      We hear bawling children in restaurants just when we want to have a decent meal. We have to put

                      up with loud voices and unruly children in places of worship. We have to suffer the kicking of feet 

                     against our seats  in the cinema or on the plane.  We have to bear with the loud conversations 

                     over someone else’s mobile phone when we use public transport. We have to entertain visitors
                     who come with their boisterous brood who make it their business to tear down the house with  

                     their rambunctious acts and all their parents do is to smile proudly at their angelic children 

                     and blame it all on the disease called hyperactivity. 

                     So back to my book which is in a sorry state.  

                     If I pointed it out to her, she might go all apologetic and make me feel bad for bringing it up in the 

                     first place. Or she might not speak to me again, the way things go with overly 

                     sensitive people and then I would lose a friend who can be rather nice in other areas. 

                     There is no win-win situation but one thing I am very sure of is:

                      I will not lend her any more books in future.

                       THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY NEW STRAITS TIMES       19/4/2015 
                          http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/150419nstnews/index.html#/23/

       

On the Kindness of Strangers....

When temperatures are dropping and it is freezing cold, who do you call? The fuel man of course …. the one who delivers oil, coal, wood and turf …or practically anything that burns to give heat and forgive the pun but burning a hole in the pocket as well.

So I have strangers traipsing in and out of my house and making a mess especially if it is a ‘soft’ day. (typical Irish weather: Cloudy with soft mist or drizzle)  Muddy shoes are a bane of my existence so the clever thing to do is to arrange for them to come on the day when I clean the house. I can never get used to the idea of people walking into my house with shoes on.

While waiting for the oil tank to fill, we made small talk.

Small talk is made all the more interesting when the person is from another country and another culture. So a barrage of questions would follow: Why are you here? How long have you been here? Can you stand the cold? Do you miss home? How often do you go home? Do you have friends?

I then suddenly find myself an ambassador of my culture and country by default. Whatever I say opens up a new world and a new perspective because quite a number of them have not discovered all the 32 counties in Ireland, let alone the Far East.

Then the question that takes the prize is, ‘Now what is that?’

‘That’, would refer to a small creature scurrying in a huge cage, the chinchilla of course. Apparently many people here have never seen such a creature and couldn’t quite make out whether it is a rabbit or a guinea pig.

So out came the facts and the trivia of Peru (which is the native country of the chinchilla ) and the evils of the fur trade and that angry animal lovers once splashed red paint on windows and signs at Capilano Furs, Speiser Furs, Snowflake Canada and Pappas Furs? Such is the beauty of random knowledge, a result of surfing the internet when I have nothing else to do.

The next thing I knew, one of the workers asked me whether he could bring his little girl to have a look at that very exotic animal.

Generally, the friendliness of perfect strangers makes everyone feel at ease.

Initially I found it very strange that everyone would be saluting everyone else they meet while driving. I wondered how they knew every random person on the road.  Now I do the same. I have learnt that when I am driving on narrow country roads, and the other driver pulls in spots to give way, I would then lift the right hand or the index finger above the steering wheel in polite recognition.

Then on another occasion, the road where I live was blocked because the workers were installing water meters. I had to choose that day to shop for groceries and I had three bags full of them in my car boot.

So with big soft eyes like those of Puss in Boots’ in Shrek, I asked one of the workmen whether he could remove the barrier so I could drive down and park? The kind soul could not say ‘No’ to those eyes.

With the wintry winds settling in, I feel sorry for the senior citizens who stand in the cold outside the post office waiting to collect their pension, so I sometimes invite them in for some warmth. I cannot imagine my mother or father having to stand in the cold waiting for the post office door to open.

Just the other day, while walking the dog, the husband spotted a man living in a makeshift tent in the winter cold. I suggested to him that the next time he sees the man, do ask him to come by our house for a cup of hot piping tea.

Who knows one day I might turn our home into a soup kitchen or something.

This article was originally published by New Straits Times 25 January 2015.

TICKING OFF THE YEAR'S LIST OF REGRETS

Before the year runs out, I need to tidy the garden and let it rest. This is literally putting the garden ‘to bed’ as a thorough clean up means a healthy and vital garden next spring. The declining light and dropping temperatures inhibit plant growth and once most of the crops are harvested, a layer of mulch or compost is added before the beds are covered.

It feels so strange that 2014 is drawing to a close as it feels like only yesterday when we were making resolutions as we ushered the year in. I am awash in a spirit of sentimentality as I reflect on the events that left me happy, sad, shocked or amused.

Churches in Malaysia usually have  a watch night service on 31 December where we share about the blessings that we have received throughout the year or the trials that we have undergone and overcome. I remember never missing one. Even when the children were young, we would go armed with pillows and comforters, until the clock struck 12 and the countdown to another year began.

With the new year just around the corner, it is a time of reflection.

What have I done? What have I not done? What should I have done? How could I have avoided that mistake made? How could I have prevented that relationship fallout?

It is that moment in time where I step back and honestly say ‘Did I contribute to that situation? Was I party to the crime?’

In any difficult situation, we always feel that we have been wronged against. In a group meeting which I facilitated on pride and humility, each of us had a checklist. All of us ticked yes to the many times we felt that someone owed us an apology or a word of thanks. We ticked yes to the times when we felt that we were not given due recognition or the times when we thought we deserved more.

While there are many who appreciate us, there are people who rub us the wrong way and bring out the worst in us. Ignorance and fear of the unfamiliar gives rise to prejudice and judgement.

Recently I was invited to a baby shower and that was both a challenge and an eye opener. We are used to the culture and people that we grow up with but we really do not know what to expect when we are in another community or in the midst of others from a different nationality. I find it strange to feel that way especially when I have lived in a multicultural society all my life. Yet whatever is new can be rather scary.

So I went with an open mind and an open heart.

I have not seen so much food served and how relaxed, hospitable and amiable everyone was. When we are among friends, beneath a different skin colour is a heart of warmth and generosity. I felt I was back in Malaysia among Malaysians.

Nicholas Copernicus (1473 –1543) believed that the earth moves round the sun and not the other way round as his contemporaries did. He believed that the centre of the earth is not the centre of the universe. His beliefs did not go down well with the society of his day and drew the ire of religious bodies and the like.

Likewise, if we remove ourselves from the elevated position of being in the centre of everything, it helps us to understand others better and have a ‘bigger’ heart and mind. We will not be overly sensitive and think that everyone else is talking bad about us and wanting to hurt us. We will learn how to step out of our comfort zone and embrace another culture, another person, another perspective.

Mark Twain said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Life is not all about me. It is about what matters most.

Roll on 2015.

This article was originally published by New Straits Times. You can  read the original article here .:http://www.nst.com.my/node/66609