INSIDE LOOKING OUT

We went to a lovely restaurant the other day, just to celebrate the fact that we could go out and dine somewhere else other than home. The little things that we have been used to have become so much more precious. I was sitting INSIDE, LOOKING OUT at the people passing by. 

And I thought to myself. Here I am, reading the menu and choosing what I want. No holds barred.

Imagine many years ago, when I was travelling on my own presenting papers at international conferences on a shoe string budget. Especially during winter when I saw people laughing and dining in fancy restaurants behind frosted windows and I wondered what it was like, eating in the comfort of great smells and warmth. I was on the OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN.

Instead, I would have walked into Sainsbury or Mercato and bought a drumstick and a roll - that would have sufficed as dinner. Just because there were greater concerns of the day and expenses that needed to be met.

Recently a small company approached me to make fabric masks. What started off as making masks for family and friends had suddenly evolved into a possible business. (Sometimes I see myself as having the Midas touch because I am never short of people who want to buy my handmade things) 

But I said NO. Not now, not ever I hope. Because my 'working' days are over - days when I had to work very hard to make ends meet, to raise a family. Indeed I have made my million and the children are well and capable.

So time is precious. How I want to spend my time is precious.

Just like Anthony Warlow's 'This is the Moment'.

This is the time when the momentum and the moment are in rhyme. This is the day I want to live for, to see it sparkle and shine. Where every endeavour I have made is coming to play, is here and now. 

Today. 

MUSINGS

When the night sky is full of stars, it is a wonder to behold. What looks like stars lining up in a straight line, is actually very different in reality because they are very very far apart. But against a dark canvas we can conjure up shapes and patterns in perfect alignment.

I am writing to a 9 year old in Togo and wonder what she could understand. In an earlier letter, she asked me how I spent Christmas. If I describe to her the Christmas tree decked with baubles, would it be a totally alien concept to her? If I told her about the presents received, would she have received any herself?

I thought about circumstances.

It doesn't seem fair that some children have toys that reach to the ceiling while others have none. What kind of a future would she have, living in a very basic shelter that she calls home?

I thought about the documentary that I watched the night before. 

About inmates in prison given a second chance to pursue education at tertiary level. One of the female inmates became a mother at 15 because that was the 'normal' route a girl child would take in her society. Would the Togo child be one of the statistics?

I thought about the different things that we experience as we walk this journey called life. 

Some happy, some sad. We try our best to be the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. But when things go wrong, we wonder whether we had been the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. We are our own harshest critic.

I thought about the different views we hold concerning the present situation. 

My friend asked whether she could come and visit me. I said, we have waited this long, can we wait a little longer until Phase 4?

I thought about the impact the pandemic has left us. 

Why some could still squander their wealth while others do not know where the next meal will come from.

I thought about how much I enjoy my own company. 

Although I long for the time when we could travel freely again, I am also happy where I am - in my home, where there is food on the table, where the air is clean and where my daily 18 hours  are filled with doing what I enjoy most and the remaining 6 hours engaged in a deep sleep with dreams of technicolour. I have attended talks or workshops that do not add value to my day. So I have learnt to make choices, and say No to them.

Whatever it is, the sun still rises in the East and sets in the West.

It is a full spectrum of a day. And if today is a sorrowful day, tomorrow can be totally different. And I am thankful for hope.

I believe nothing happens at random. They are all part of the big picture. Like how we see the stars from afar.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE OVER

As this season is officially the staying at home season, we stayed at home dutifully. No more running around, no more escapes to warmer climes. So day and night I tended to my garden. I sowed the seeds into plugs and put them in a vitopod heated propagator on February 26. There was great growth and I pricked them out, moving the stronger ones to trays. And then I watered and watched. If fact I watered, and watered and watered just because I was around. The inevitable happened. To my horror, some of them  gave up the ghost.

What had just happened?

In the past when we could go for short trips now and then, the plants were healthy and strong. There was space and time for them to grow, to be liberated. It was as if, knowing that the gardener was away, they rose in unison and clapped their hands, stretched out their roots to available water sources and reached for the sunlight.

So over caring had been disastrous. And you would think that there would be no harm in being overly concerned, after all it is in a gardener's nature.

When I think about the word 'over' I can find more words and phrases that have negative connotations rather than the positive: overeat, overweight, overdo, overdrive, over-the-top, overkill, overzealous, overdone, over-the-hill, it's all over, bending over backwards, fork something over...

So I purposefully search for words that bring about positive notes instead. Not an easy task though. I chose 4.

1. Overwhelmed
2. Over the moon
3. Over and above
4. Starting over with a clean slate

OVERWHELMED

I am always overwhelmed by the kindness of others. A family member or a good friend who would go  the extra mile just to bring some cheer into my life. I can always remember the time when I was in Primary School and had just recovered from fever.  In those days, public transport was not a reliable thing so my mother walked about a mile to the school just to make sure that I had some nourishing soup during recess time. And more recently, just when the Restricted Movement Order started in Malaysia, a friend asked whether she could do some food shopping for my son as he had not stocked up the fridge? And the random visit from a friend who would just ring the doorbell and say 'hey, I baked a cake for you?'

OVER THE MOON

Sometimes an old story is still very refreshing. I don't know how many times I have regaled the tale (to interested individuals, and only when asked)  of how Mike and myself reconnected after more than 30 years apart. Each time I tell it, it is as exciting as the first time we reconnected in 2008. I am still as pleased as punch and grinning from ear to ear.

OVER AND ABOVE

It is nothing like doing something to the best of your ability. I like the phrase over and above especially when I make something for someone. Because she/he is in my thoughts before, during and after  I have made a craft or baked something. There is so much pleasure in giving. The sparkle in the recipient's eye says everything.

It's also nice when there is an understanding that those living under the same roof should help each other. Whether or not they are working out of home.  Sesame street will call it COOPERATION. Over and above. The floor needs to be swept and cleaned. Pots and pans need to be washed. Clothes need to be hung out to dry and folded or ironed. The grass needs to be cut.  And it is not someone's job. It is everyone's responsibility.

STARTING OVER WITH A CLEAN SLATE

Now this is very difficult. But doable.

It takes great resolve to forgive someone else or to forgive yourself and start all over again. Some studies state that most people hold on to  bad memories more than good ones. Other researchers suggest it could be that good memories persist longer than bad, thus helping us to be more resilient.

Whichever theory, I want to remember more of happy memories. So what I do is to write down short notes about good, significant moments and stick them to a magnetic wall along the staircase. (for those who are interested: you'll need 4 coats of magnetic chalk paint for the wall). In that way, every time I feel sad, I just have to look at all the happy memories and my spirit is lifted again. 

Life is about living today. You can't go back to what things were. How you perceived they were. All you really have is now. 

Like Merida in Brave, I will take hold of my dream. I will ride, I will fly. I will chase the wind and touch the sky.

A CHANGE IN THE SEASONS

I must admit that I'm falling for Fall. In fact every year I will wax lyrical over falling leaves, warm hues, pumpkins and gourds. Autumn is about Harvest.

When the season changes, so too will many other things - my taste buds change as I gravitate towards warm honey. My Autumn-Winter wardrobe makes its appearance and even my preference for scents drifts from flowery Anais Anais Cacharel towards the richer Jo Malone's Orange Blossom. And I prefer to stay indoors, next to the glowing fireplace rather than go out. I'm also letting my garden rest.

Love it or hate it but Autumn will gradually pave the way for Winter.

Can we in any way change the seasons? No. 
Can we in any way change our perspective towards the different seasons? Yes.

That brings me to a conversation I had the other day with two friends about people. We shared our experiences about nice mannerly people who leave you refreshed and happy and enjoying each other's company. And the other category which is the direct opposite, and I won't even go there.

What makes people nice or not nice?

Is it education - and I don't just mean spending those years in school ? Is it upbringing - has discipline and respect and mindfulness flown out of the window as parents  put their children so high up on the pedestal, that they can do no wrong? Is it the lack of exposure that has resulted in a very insular society, so entrenched in its own ways and culture, resulting in stereotypical concepts about race or gender?

'We are put here in this place to change them.' my friend said.

I beg to differ I said. We can't change seasons and neither can we change another person.  But we can live true  to the good values that we have been brought up with, and hopefully that will leave some impact on others around us.

I was at a Women's Conference in Dublin recently and I came away with a nugget. 'Live unbothered '

This means that we should not let what is upsetting attach itself to us for too long.

We can choose how we respond to those who are nosy, who don't keep promises, who say things they don't mean, who gossip, who back bite, who envy, who don't like us, who are shallow, who are uncouth .....and the list goes on.

To do this, we need to recognise the unpleasant event or behaviour and tell ourselves that  we will not let it spoil our mood or our day. Once we choose this response, we can then let the bad behaviour go and we have freed ourselves to live life to the fullest.

Everyone is on a journey.

Some take a longer time to arrive at being a better person or friend. And if we live to see that happen, we are genuinely happy for them.

Some may never change at all. And hard as it is, there is nothing we can do about it.

We cannot change that unpleasant behaviour. But we can choose not to let that unpleasant behaviour affect our own mood and feelings.

So it's time to make that warm honey and thank God for the lovely family and friends that surround me. And that is the greatest harvest.