THE MORE YOU GIVE THE MORE YOU HAVE

It was one Saturday when everyone else was asleep that I woke up at 5am bright eyed and bushy tailed. So I headed for the garden and tidied it. Then I continued with household chores like washing the laundry and general cleaning. I proceeded to do some cooking and then did some painting and writing. After that, I walked to the gym.

The above certainly sounds like a journal entry or an example of a paragraph used by the teacher to illustrate chronological organisation in writing.

When the beloved woke up, he saw what I had accomplished and asked,

‘Where did you get all the energy?’

I was trying to think of a good answer when I remembered the story of the ant and the grasshopper. The bottom line is some people are industrious while others are lackadaisical. We have those who accomplish much and others who are inclined to park off on the couch, play online games and do very little else. Even in the animal kingdom, we have some that do most of the work and others, very little.

UK psychiatrist and book author Dr Neel Burton has much to say about laziness, which according to Wikipedia is “a disinclination to activity or exertion despite having the ability to do so”. In other words, a person is lazy when he is able to carry out some activity but is reluctant to do so because of the work involved. Underlying psychological reasons pertaining to this attitude could be the lack of self esteem or a fear of failure. So laziness is a way to sabotage themselves. By not doing the work, they tell themselves they have not failed but rather they never tried.

Another interesting view is that there is a relationship between dopamine levels and a willingness to work hard. There are some super foods that increase dopamine levels and it is said that one of them is dark chocolate.

A study published in the Journal of Neuroscience (2012) by researchers from Vanderbilt University in Tennessee found that dopamine levels in 3 areas of the brain influence a person’s personality - whether he is a go-getter or a procrastinator. Apparently hardworking people have the most dopamine in two areas of the brain known to play an important role in reward and motivation.

Then there is learned industriousness.

It may be difficult to explain human tendencies but I do believe that to a great extent, what we are is the result of modelling and the environment. Our backgrounds and the way we have been brought up influence how we approach day to day living.

For us who did not have much materially when we were growing up would have added reason to work hard and achieve. We tend to value what we have and also avoid wastage of any kind. In addition if we were constantly surrounded by parents or caregivers who worked very hard so that our basic needs were met and we could have that little extra, we would then try to emulate their work ethics. This of course is a general observation and there are exceptions to the rule.

A child living in an environment where hard work equals success will certainly view his future differently from another child who has been given everything. An adult living in a society where there are no social welfare privileges knows he has to work to survive. He cannot expect to receive freebies or allowances or discounted housing.

I’ve taught students and worked with colleagues and bosses who were very conscientious and it was such a delight.

Conscientious people want to do a task well and they take obligations to others seriously. They are efficient and organised, self disciplined and dependable. It is not only doing big jobs that matter but small jobs are equally important.

Sometimes when I’m asked to give a talk or to host an event, I try my best to make sure that it is done well. So I spend many days and nights planning and bringing the project to completion successfully. In the course of it, I’ve been asked, ‘why do you put in so much effort? They won’t appreciate it’ to which I’ll thank them for their concern but to me even if one person is blessed by the talk or the event, then it has made all the effort worthwhile.

So back to the question on how I had all the energy to do what I did. I think the secret lies in the mystery that the more you give, the more you have. 

Or it could be the ginseng.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 26 AUGUST 2018 https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/08/404962/more-you-give-more-you-have

GIVING THOUGHT TO GIVING

I was talking to George, a dear friend in his 80s and he told me that his wife had just celebrated her birthday and they had a wonderful time. The grandkids came and there was a big feast. So I asked him, ‘When is your birthday? ‘ and he told me.

That conversation occurred in December last year. I knew I wasn’t very good at remembering dates so I keyed the date down in my phone. When his birthday arrived in January, I decided to make a wooden tea caddy with an assortment of tea sachets in it. I then decorated the box with embellishments and trimmings. Like most Irishmen, George loves to drink tea.

When I gave him the caddy, he was thrilled to bits.

The beauty of giving is when it comes from the heart - not because we have to and not because it is a season for giving. That is why I believe very much in ‘unbirthdays’.

An unbirthday can be celebrated on any of the days in a year which is not the person’s birthday. Coined by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass, we see Humpty Dumpty in a cravat that was given to him as an ‘unbirthday present’ by the White King and Queen. We also have ‘The Unbirthday Song’ in the 1951 Walt Disney’s animated feature film Alice in Wonderland. So when I see something or make something that a good friend might like, I’ll just give it to him as a present anytime of the year.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ has been used flippantly to describe any gift even gifts that reveal tell tale signs that not much thought has actually been put into it.

A heart felt gift undergoes a process that requires time - time to think, time to browse in the shops or time to make. When we take the time to think, to make or to buy, to wrap and then to deliver the gift, the anticipation builds until that moment of surprise and delight when the person who least expects a gift, receives it.

Simply put, it tells the person what he means to you.

In the early years, when I first came to Ireland, a particular elderly relative was very nice to me. She was non-judgemental and embraced me as her own. I felt very touched by her warmth and acceptance and made a cushion for her. It took me some time to cross-stitch bright orange sunflowers against black gingham-checked cotton fabric. I wanted to share the ‘sun’ of my country, a country that is hospitable to strangers. She was overwhelmed and was determined to keep the cushion in its pristine condition, wrapped in plastic and all.

Then lately I handmade a quilt for her to keep her warm during wintry nights. When we went to her house to deliver the quilt she wasn’t in so we left it with her neighbour. That evening she rang me and between sobs she told me how precious the quilt was to her.

Times like this reminds me that every minute put into making or buying a gift is well worth it. A broad smile, a surprised face and a happy heart - nothing compares to these intangible returns.

The rewards of giving can never be underestimated. I have read of live accounts of professionals just leaving their secure environments with their young families in tow, to do charity work in impoverished lands. What a magnanimous attitude!

We may not be brave enough to leave the comforts of home to serve in strange places, but certainly we have friends around us that we can show care and love? This means giving them our undivided attention and time.

I have a friend who complained to me that she wouldn’t go to a certain person’s house again because although she was invited over for a cup of tea, the hostess was too busy cleaning this and that and had no time to actually sit with her to drink tea.

I met George the following week and asked him whether he had tried the different tea flavours. He said, ‘I’m keeping them for special occasions.’

It is a gift too precious to use wantonly. It is a gift from heart to heart.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 25 FEBRUARY 2018  https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/338704/giving-thought-giving