I'M GLAD MY CHILDREN HAVE TURNED OUT ALRIGHT

WITH each Chinese New Year, I think of family and friends who were born under the zodiac sign of that particular year.

My interest in such signs is purely for knowledge as I do not believe that they influence the individual in any way, whether in the past, present or future.

What makes it interesting is that these signs are based on the Lunar year and not the Gregorian year.

So to say that every Chinese child born this year is attributed the Earth Dog zodiac sign is erroneous as this only applies to children born between Feb 16 this year and Feb 4 next year.

This sometimes complicates matters for schoolgoing children because while the majority may carry the same zodiac sign of the particular year that were born into, some children born in January for example, may bear the zodiac sign of the year before.

My youngest falls into this category and while her friends were born in the year of the Dog, being a January child she was considered to belong to the year of the Rooster.

But, technically she is still 24 years old just like all her other classmates.

So, I sit back and tell myself, wow, my youngest is already 24. Where did all the years go?

She’s out working and enjoying her work and all that comes with being 24 — freedom, life, responsibilities, decision-making, happiness, sadness and everything that the world can offer.

She is out experimenting with new things and testing boundaries.

She is learning how to carve out a future for herself, to know what she wants and to fight for what she believes in.

A personal milestone indeed for herself and for myself, the parent.

For me, it is about appreciating my adult children and about letting go.

It is about taking stock. It is about understanding that their views may be different from mine and that I may not agree, but it is still okay.

It is about the good choices they make and my heart rejoicing with them.

It is about the bad choices they make and my heart aching with them.

It is about financial independence for themselves and for myself.

What I have saved, or have earned is now mine. No more student accommodation costs, tuition fees and living expenses to pay for.

No more living under the same roof.

Instead, we have new found sources of income — pocket money from the children straight into our savings account every month.

Holidays and hobby classes for the parents paid for by the children.

Not that I need them to pay for us, but I believe it is beneficial for them to learn how to give and for us to learn how to receive.

Just like when I would take on extra work just to make sure that they could go for the extras — piano and violin lessons, ballet lessons, philharmonic concerts and holiday camps.

Some parents live for their children or live through them.

I do not fall into either category but I made sure that since I brought them into the world I must be as good a compass to guide them.

These are the life skills that I tried to teach.

Uppermost is the value of selflessness and the importance of being appreciative and not to take anything for granted.

The beauty of simplicity as opposed to materialism. Humility and efficiency in all that we do so that others will trust us and know that we are made of more.

A drive to succeed, to be self-confident and to know that we need to be committed and creditable in order to gain respect and be trusted.

Most of all, to know that we are not infallible, we make mistakes but we can pick up the pieces.

I was asked in a group discussion, what would be on my bucket list regarding my children?

I have none. They have turned out all right.

Not only did they turn out all right, they have turned out very well indeed.

I am sure that whatever brickbat is hurled their way, they’ll be well able to handle it.

And I am very proud.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 18 FEBRUARY 2018 https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/334363/im-glad-my-children-have-turned-out-all-right

GIVING THOUGHT TO GIVING

I was talking to George, a dear friend in his 80s and he told me that his wife had just celebrated her birthday and they had a wonderful time. The grandkids came and there was a big feast. So I asked him, ‘When is your birthday? ‘ and he told me.

That conversation occurred in December last year. I knew I wasn’t very good at remembering dates so I keyed the date down in my phone. When his birthday arrived in January, I decided to make a wooden tea caddy with an assortment of tea sachets in it. I then decorated the box with embellishments and trimmings. Like most Irishmen, George loves to drink tea.

When I gave him the caddy, he was thrilled to bits.

The beauty of giving is when it comes from the heart - not because we have to and not because it is a season for giving. That is why I believe very much in ‘unbirthdays’.

An unbirthday can be celebrated on any of the days in a year which is not the person’s birthday. Coined by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass, we see Humpty Dumpty in a cravat that was given to him as an ‘unbirthday present’ by the White King and Queen. We also have ‘The Unbirthday Song’ in the 1951 Walt Disney’s animated feature film Alice in Wonderland. So when I see something or make something that a good friend might like, I’ll just give it to him as a present anytime of the year.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ has been used flippantly to describe any gift even gifts that reveal tell tale signs that not much thought has actually been put into it.

A heart felt gift undergoes a process that requires time - time to think, time to browse in the shops or time to make. When we take the time to think, to make or to buy, to wrap and then to deliver the gift, the anticipation builds until that moment of surprise and delight when the person who least expects a gift, receives it.

Simply put, it tells the person what he means to you.

In the early years, when I first came to Ireland, a particular elderly relative was very nice to me. She was non-judgemental and embraced me as her own. I felt very touched by her warmth and acceptance and made a cushion for her. It took me some time to cross-stitch bright orange sunflowers against black gingham-checked cotton fabric. I wanted to share the ‘sun’ of my country, a country that is hospitable to strangers. She was overwhelmed and was determined to keep the cushion in its pristine condition, wrapped in plastic and all.

Then lately I handmade a quilt for her to keep her warm during wintry nights. When we went to her house to deliver the quilt she wasn’t in so we left it with her neighbour. That evening she rang me and between sobs she told me how precious the quilt was to her.

Times like this reminds me that every minute put into making or buying a gift is well worth it. A broad smile, a surprised face and a happy heart - nothing compares to these intangible returns.

The rewards of giving can never be underestimated. I have read of live accounts of professionals just leaving their secure environments with their young families in tow, to do charity work in impoverished lands. What a magnanimous attitude!

We may not be brave enough to leave the comforts of home to serve in strange places, but certainly we have friends around us that we can show care and love? This means giving them our undivided attention and time.

I have a friend who complained to me that she wouldn’t go to a certain person’s house again because although she was invited over for a cup of tea, the hostess was too busy cleaning this and that and had no time to actually sit with her to drink tea.

I met George the following week and asked him whether he had tried the different tea flavours. He said, ‘I’m keeping them for special occasions.’

It is a gift too precious to use wantonly. It is a gift from heart to heart.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 25 FEBRUARY 2018  https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/338704/giving-thought-giving

STARTING THE YEAR WITH KAFKA

We were in Prague sometime last month just to enjoy its fairy tale beauty. It fell upon my lot to plan the itinerary as well as to source out the public transportation routes and such because my spatial intelligence is at its prime when it comes to city maps, grids, directions, signposts and streets rather than unmarked country roads that meander along into nowhere.

Like any tourist in a city for the first time, I would source out the popular places to visit and the eateries. I have no qualms about asking for information from the random person on the street and the Czechs are extremely friendly and helpful. That is a real bonus as short holidays are primarily for relaxation and it would be awful to be in rude company. We are also very partial to local gastronomical delights and ready to try new food and thanks to my two Czech friends, I have a good list of suggestions on what tastes like heaven on earth.

I like visiting European cities because they are so rich in every sense of the word - rich in history, culture and the arts. If walls could speak, I would be hearing tales of kings and serfs of kingdoms past. I would do them great injustice to put down on paper what I hear because words are never enough to describe what goes beyond words. It would merely be a poor translation.

Yet, try if I must.

If Ireland is about Yeats or Joyce, then certainly Prague is about Franz Kafka, a German-speaking 20^th century Bohemian novelist and short story writer. His writings are a concoction of the bizarre and the real, the surrealistic and the fantastic.

His protagonists are almost always alone wrestling with events beyond their control and his themes centre around alienation, existential anxiety, guilt, and absurdity. His best known works include "Die Verwandlung" ("The Metamorphosis"), Der Process (The Trial), and Das Schloss (The Castle).

I studied Kafka’s works when I was at the university and I wasn’t a great fan of his works for the simple reason that I couldn’t make sense of any of them. At 20 years of age, that could be pardonable. In my mind’s eye, I was looking for linear progression and logical conclusions as would be found in most novels but I found none in Kafka’s.

So the whole experience of ploughing through his works was a big muddle, just like the nightmarish muddle that his protagonists face. In fact the term Kafkaesque has entered the English language to describe situations like those in his writing.

When we visited Prague Castle, I couldn’t help but draw comparisons with the castle that is in Kafka’s Das Schloss (The Castle). The actual castle is built on the hill and there are about 200 steps up from Malostranské náměstí to the castle.. While we managed to reach the top of the castle and enjoyed the magnificent view, the protagonist K never did. Just like in life, there are some things that we can achieve and some that we can’t. The wisdom is to let go that which we can’t and to concentrate on what we can achieve.

I do not agree with all of Kafka’s quotes but I do have a few favourites.

Kafka says “A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.”  

I can see the axe coming down hard on the hard icy surface and the brute force of it shatters the ice to tiny fragments. Every one has that frozen bit that needs to be liberated. It could be a book that does the job or a flash of courage. With time, whatever is frozen can become so calcified that it would seem impossible to be liberated. Yet, I know of many who dared to take control of their own lives while others chose to stay behind.

Kafka says, ‘“I am a cage, in search of a bird.” 

It is about leaving behind what traps us and being on a quest for something more. It is about the desire to be fulfilled. It is about captivity and freedom.

Kafka says, ‘Paths are made by walking.’

I think this is self explanatory. Unless we make those steps, there can be no route forward. The more steps we make the longer the path. If we continue to walk on the same path day in and day out, the earth gets more compact and familiar. But if we choose to walk in different directions, then we can create new paths. Very profound indeed. 

I am not talking about earth shattering resolutions but these quotes are good foundation stones to start a new year with. Baby steps. All in all, I am glad I could get a glimpse into the mind or the tortured soul of a great writer in his homeland. 

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 4 FEBRUARY 2018 
http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/nstnews/2018/20180204nstnews/index.html#/19/