THE IMAGINARY Q & A

The combination of being at home and having an imaginative mind and a creative spirit is that no two days are the same. So Mike says, Do I know you at all? and laughs.

So I imagine myself being interviewed in the cool of the garden, for a local magazine.

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY?

I remember when we were in primary school and living upstairs in a shop house. My parents warned us about many undesirable characters living along the street, so we hardly went downstairs to play. What we did was we created our own fun upstairs. There was always a great supply of stationery -  paper, felt pens, paints - so I would draw and write stories about living in a different world and a different time. I had a big empty box where I would store all the little crafts that I made from popsicle sticks, matchboxes, clay or paper mache. We also had a blackboard at home and we would enact classroom scenes with my sisters as teachers and myself as the student.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST BOOK YOU LOVED?

The Mystery of the Missing Necklace - a book in the series of Five Find-Outers and dog by Enid Blyton. Immediately I became an avid fan of Enid Blyton's and would devour all her books with a ravenous appetite. It was then that I became acquainted with toffee apples, humbugs, English meadows, picnic hamper baskets, boarding schools and frisking lambs - which probably explains the anglophile that I am.

WHAT'S YOUR BEST HOLIDAY MEMORY?

Holidays were a luxury and we didn't go anywhere as not many people owned cars then. I remember we had to take a taxi to a waterfront called Minyak Beku, about six miles from home. Six miles seemed a very long journey and we had a small picnic there. The taxi waited for us and took us home.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

Like what Piglet said to Pooh bear, "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." That is what I tell Mike.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF?

My children. They have surpassed my expectations.

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST ATTRACTIVE QUALITY - AND WHAT IS YOUR MOST?

Anxiety about my children's well being. I am disciplined, industrious and committed to whatever I do, however small. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU'D DO IF YOU WERE THE PRIME MINISTER?

Put an end to race based politics and policies and focus on  needs instead.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?


Certainly not material things. I treasure family and friends.

WHAT IS YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE?

Good coffee. I try to limit myself to 2 mugs a day. I am still trying.

WHAT'S THE BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN?

From my mother: Do not worry about how others will think or talk about you. If you think you are doing the right thing, go ahead, because the future is yours, not anyone else's. Those tongue waggers will not be there for you when things go belly up.

WHO ARE YOUR HEROES?

People who are visionary. People who stand for what they believe in. People who make a difference in the lives of others. Examples are: Copernicus. Alexander the Great. Napoleon Bonaparte. Catherine the Great. Florence Nightingale. Doctors without Borders.

WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

When I read about so many people dying because of COVID19.

WHAT SONG WOULD YOU LIKE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds. And maybe if my children could just play a piece of music for me, like they did at our wedding.

WHAT KEEPS YOU AWAKE AT NIGHT?

Crafting and writing. When the creative juice flows, I would hate to stop it. So now that I don't have to depend on the alarm clock to wake me up for work, I know I have the privilege of sleeping till noon if I must.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST PASSION IN LIFE?

My family. I will give everything and anything to see their joy complete.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FILM?

Sleepless in Seattle. Entertaining, easy to watch, lovely ending. Two of my favourite actors: Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I even know that the teddy bear is called Howard.

WHAT'S THE LAST TV SHOW THAT YOU BINGE-WATCHED?

Anime - Ponyo, Forest of Piano, My Neighbour Totoro, Whispers of the Heart, You lie in April.

WHAT PHONE APP DO YOU USE MOST?

Whatsapp. I'm more comfortable writing than speaking (eg. skype or facetime) because I can think over what I want to say before I actually write it down.

WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR 18 YEAR OLD SELF?

Get out of a relationship if you know it is not going to work. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that he will change for the better.

WHAT JOB WOULD YOU BE TERRIBLE AT?

Minding someone's child full time. I will be terribly anxious if the child falls down or hurts himself and I can't discipline the child in love ( the way I would when my own child is naughty).

WHAT DO YOU REGRET NOT DOING IN THE LAST YEAR?

Nothing. I traveled much, loved much, ate much and rested much.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

It has been aeons since I last posted something, a very strange phenomenon for me because I love to write, amongst other things. My excuse is that I'm living in strange times, having strange fears and observing strange rules. Nothing seems normal. Exactly, nothing seems normal.

Just like Phil, a self-centred weatherman, who goes to the town of Punxsutawney for an assignment on Groundhog Day and later finds himself reliving the same day over and over again.

When I left Malaysia on 7 February 2020, the number of Covid cases was 28. At that time I thought it was terrifying and now as I write, the national total is 2031. If 28 was terrifying, I have no adjective to describe 2031.

I do not fall sick easily because I make sure that I eat and live healthily. Having said that, my body reacts to overdoses of anxiety which than inevitably leads to chest tightness. So that would be the signal for me to reduce whatever is causing that stress. I therefore decided to adhere to a strict routine, because there is only one Me, and this Me is a fighter and a survivor.

1. A quiet time

The first thing I do before I leave the bed is to have a quiet time with my Maker. That is when I can release all my fears and howl as much as I want behind closed doors. A time of weeping over the state the world is in. A time of repentance. I miss singing in the church so the next best thing is to listen to my favourite inspirational songs and sing along. Half way through the singing, the voice will just crack and the tears will flow as the heart is heavy and overwhelmed at the same time. And I remember my husband, our children, our friends and ask God to have mercy and form a hedge of protection around us. Starting the day with the right frame of mind and spirit and soul certainly helps me to go through the next 24 hours.

2. Fasting

I am thankful that this is also the month of Lent. I had already purposed in my heart to fast during this period and that has given me much strength and hope for good things that are yet to come. We appreciate our medical front liners and clap for them for their selfless acts of care for the patients.

But how does the mother of a front liner feel?

It seems like ages ago when I walked up  over a hundred steps to the university to teach everyday. As I had no car then, I took the bus, crossed over a busy road and climbed those steps up, laden with my first born. And now the first born is there serving others, with no vaccine in sight.

Even Dr Christopher Lee, who is a member of the Selangor task force for Covid-19, took to Twitter to voice his worry. He penned a message about his daughter Hannah, who was going to her first day as a medical officer at the Covid-19 ward at the Tuanku Ja'afar Hospital in Seremban,Negeri Sembilan and how heavy his heart is.

'20 years ago, my 9 yr daughter told me 'Be careful, Papa' when I left to serve in the SARS ward at the KL hospital. This morning, I reminded Hannah to 'Take care, girl' when she starts her 1st day as an MO in the Covid ward in Seremban. Many parents are feeling what I'm feeling now...worried.'

3 Self Quarantine.  

Although social distancing is encouraged in Ireland, I decided to take one step further to self quarantine as early as February. I only go out for very essential matters because I feel safer at home. Even today the Prime Minister has just announced stricter measures until Easter. I totally welcome it because I like being at home as much as I like travelling.

I remember having to stay home for 30 days after each child was born. I enjoyed that thoroughly - eating nourishing food and resting, having engaged a special person called the confinement lady to take care of me and the newborn and all the household duties. So for  3 children, I had 90 days of self quarantine over a few years.

4. Social Media

Being a woman of two nations, I have double the joy during good times. But during difficult times , I have double the anxiety. So I followed the news from both countries very closely until....

I decided I'm going to limit myself reading or listening about news on Covid19. I will quickly run through both real and fake news in the morning for a maximum of 10 minutes just to keep abreast with what is happening. And even if I receive more news and videos on the said matter via messenger, facebook or whatsapp throughout the day, I will not read them. Too much bad news has a way of getting into your system.

5. Something that makes me happy

Basically, I have so many things to do or entertain myself at home, I am never bored. There is enough stash in my craft room to last me for the next 5 years.

I have books by my bedside that are shouting at me to read. I have movies that I have recorded and haven't watched yet. The planning of daily meals as we eat in more encourages me to try new recipes and I'm really happy with the meals I have prepared.

But most of all, surrounded by the people I love and who love me in return makes me very happy. Together we can do little things or big things, it doesn't matter. What matters is that hands are warm and hearts are beating still.

The sun still rises. The sun still sets. In fear and doubt, whether near or past....THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

PERFECT TIMING

One of my favourite things is driving a car that has just been serviced. The engine purrs quietly and you know you can go miles running on perfect timing. Another one is a soft boiled egg that is neither too runny nor too firm. The secret again is perfect timing, to get it just right.

We can hope and pray and fast for days or even months on end, not to say years even for the desires of our hearts to materialise.

But.

Instead of what we hope for, we get brickbats thrown at us, and we cry our hearts out. The injustice of it all! Is anyone listening out there?

When my eldest was just a child, she asked for a microscope instead of a toy for Christmas or birthday, I can't remember. The thing I remember is that she asked for something that is not atypical of what someone so young would desire.

Then when she was 12, I could have sworn she almost single-handedly delivered 9 puppies, a procedure that I was not comfortable with although she said later it was pure masterly inactivity. Neither of us had experienced a mama bassethound that had whelped.

These were the tell tale signs of what she would like to be in the future and every mother who wants her child to achieve that dream would go to great lengths to make sure that she does.

The long journey of hard work and success and disappointment began for both mother and child. Hard work meant discipline, sacrifice, discipline and sacrifice.

Success meant excellent results, consistency and hope for a wonderful future.

Disappointment meant that even if a student scored excellent results and achieved the required points for the course of her choice at third level education, she was not accepted in a public university nor receive any scholarship based on merit because of man made regulations of  race and quota.

And so we cried.

The only option was to enrol into a private university which meant expensive fees. The mother was willingly running like a hamster on a wheel, night and day, to get that money for the fees.

Not only for one child, but for three.

Fast forward to the next phase of life. The child has graduated and worked in a number of hospitals and her excellent work ethics had not gone unnoticed by her consultants or the nurses that she worked with. So last year, she applied to be on the higher specialist training scheme (HST) for the second time but did not get it.

And so we cried again.

Undeterred, she went on to pursue the 'parallel pathway' on her own.

Then this year, something unprecedented happened.

Every year, the Irish Society of Medical Oncology (ISMO) offers 2 fellowship scholarship spots with collaboration with Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Centre , New York . (MSK).

MSK has been ranked as the number two hospital for cancer care in the nation according to U.S. News and World Report in its annual listing of best hospitals. In addition to its ranking for overall cancer care, MSK was ranked #1 Gyneacology as well.

However, interested individuals could only apply for it if they are already pursuing the HST at year 2 onwards. For 2020, the centre waived this criterion and applicants following the 'parallel pathway' could also apply.

On 25 January 2020, which was also the first day of the Chinese New Year, she received the offer. No one could sleep that night. If she had been offered the HST earlier, she would not have been able to apply for this fellowship at this time as she would have only been at year 1..

And I thought of myself having gone through disappointments in my career path where I had applied for a scholarship to do a PhD.  I applied 7 times and attended 7 interviews over 7 years and got 7 rejection letters. Again because of man made regulations.

Undeterred I went on to pursue the doctoral programme on my own as a part time student while working because I could no longer apply for a scholarship due to the age criterion..

What is a miracle? A miracle is God paving the way for something unheard of. A miracle is God saying I love you. A miracle is God knowing what you are going through and giving you a surprise so big and unimaginable to the human brain.

When you are awash in tears over the disappointment, it is hard to imagine the concept of a miracle.

I was awarded Associate Professorship  based on my publications, even though I had no PhD at that point in time. If I had been on scholarship and was away studying, I would have missed the chance to apply for the post. To further add to my joy, I was finally given a scholarship to pursue the doctoral programme because a significant someone recognised my worth. By then I was way past the maximum age allowed to obtain a scholarship. The offer was unprecedented.

When God creates a miracle, there are no half measures.

A heart full of gratitude and joy.

Perfect timing.

LET'S GO FLY A KITE

Life is what happens while you are busy making plans, John Lennon once said. We're coming to the end of another year and I ask myself where did the time go? 

Between Christmas and the New Year, I find myself watching lots of reruns on television. I hardly ever sit down to watch a movie from beginning to the end but it is different at this time of the year when all my intended crafting projects have been completed, the house scrubbed clean and the winter garden deserves a good rest.

You can never get enough of classics.

Truth be told I needed my annual dose of the Muppet Christmas Movie, Raymond Briggs' Snowman, Jim Carey's Christmas Carol, and Mary Poppins complete with dancing penguins and horses that go up and down on the carousel. 

Every year, one particular scene in a movie strikes me. This year it is Mary Poppins. That is when Mr Banks patches up a broken kite with 'tuppence of paper and string'. A broken man realises the beauty of what is important and the meaning of unconditional love.

I made a Christmas present for a dear friend and when she opened it, she was quite overwhelmed.

"Soo, Omg it's the most amazing thoughtful gift I've ever got. It brought tears to my eyes, good tears. so beautiful. Everyone needs a Soo in their lives. That's why your friends love u. You went to so much effort. The detail is amazing. I'm so happy that I've you in my life, like all your friends would say.'

Wow.

There was a warm fuzzy feeling inside. The feeling of giving love and being loved.

Then I discovered that someone I care for in Malaysia is doing some personal research on the Titanic. I wanted to get her a model DIY ship online but realised that I won't have enough time to get it mailed to me before my departure to Malaysia.  I asked my daughter whether she could get it from one of the gift shops in Dublin. Unlikely, she said. So I'm considering going to Cobh to get it and told her so.

Daughter: 'The lengths to go to! All for Titanic'

Mum      :  'Yeah, I have a big heart. It is good to love those who care for you. Too many times, we                        pour love on those who do not reciprocate.'

Daughter: Absolutely.

Just before the run-up to Christmas, I decorated my car with antlers and a bright red nose because she (my car) thinks she's Rudolph. 

Sadly, someone thought that it was very funny to break an antler. So I got a text from Michael (he woke up earlier for work) who noticed that it was broken.

I used superglue, gorilla glue, plastic glue, wood glue and bandaged it with masking tape. It couldn't hold and fell apart again.

Anyway.

The kite repaired, Mr Banks takes to the street dancing with his children and singing...

Oh, oh, oh!

Let's go fly a kite

Up to the highest height

Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring

Up through the atmosphere

Up where the air is clear

Oh let's go fly a kite

Even as the year ends, let's focus on what matters and repair tiny cracks and gaping wounds.The heart is a very tender thing and we need to guard it well.

                                        Have a wonderful and meaningful 2020.

THE MIRACLE

I find fasting a very good way to keep my life focussed on God. Normally, I would do a fast in January to start the year right for me and my family. Just like Job in the Bible. "When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for his children to be purified. Early in the morning, he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, " Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular custom. (Job 1:5)

However, in January we will be going home to Malaysia, so I decided to move the fast to December instead. ( In Malaysia, there will be plenty of lunch and dinner invites as we meet up with friends and family so it would be difficult to turn them down.). Throughout the 24 days in December, I've asked God for a miracle.

Just the other day, one of my Irish friends was sharing with me about her desire to uproot herself to another land and to start afresh. It would mean leaving everything she is familiar with: Friends, family, customs, food, traditions, acceptable behaviour and a stable job.

Knowing that she is a very responsible person, I said:

'Go ahead. Even if it doesn't work, you will not live to regret that you didn't give it a chance'.

Her reply caught me by surprise.

She said, 'I have been observing you. I know you have gone through a lot and yet you are an over comer. I don't hear you grumbling or complaining about being unhappy. You emit 'positive vibes'..

Then a few days later, I got a message from a good friend in Malaysia. I asked her earlier if she would like to meet up when we go home.

She said. ' We can meet up la....
I replied, 'That will be great. Haven't seen you for ages!'
She said, 'Kaaannn...would be great to catch up....miss your positive vibes..'

There it was again...positive vibes. I couldn't help but smile. Twice in a week I was told I emit positive vibes. It is really nice to know.

We are more resilient that we give ourselves credit for, especially when we know Who our Anchor is.

And today being the eve of Christmas, when I was doing my daily devotion, I felt it in my heart.

I don't have to ask for a miracle.

Christ is my Miracle.

He has taken care and watched over me and my family all this while. So I will trust Him once again to put things right.

Amen.

WALKING DOWN NOSTALGIC BOULEVARD

It is very strange when lovely images of our childhood pop up when we least expect it. How long these images have been locked in the recesses of my brain amazes me. The best part is I can always check with my siblings regarding the authenticity of such memories as more often than not we share the same memories.

What is childhood without books?

When Mike showed me the youtube video of Paul McCartney's The Frog Chorus, I was over the moon. Then suddenly, amidst the frogs croaking there was Rupert the Bear appearing from behind the foliage. This is one bear that I'm all too familiar with.

My brother had an Annual and I used to pore over it with delight. There was this scene where Rupert and his younger visiting cousin (I think) were standing under a soursop tree. And the little one took a bite of a ripe soursop and said it was sour! I laughed because obviously the writer must not have tasted a ripe soursop because it is the most glorious and sweetest fruit ever! I was only 6 then and already engaged in critical analysis.

Another wondrous book that he had was the Story of Little Black Sambo who went into the forest in his Sunday best only to be accosted by 4 angry tigers.

 Finally in an effort to ditch them Sambo climbed up a tree. The four tigers chased each other around the tree. The midday heat was simply unbearable so the tigers melted and became tiger butter. That is hilarious!

So Sambo's mother Mumbo collected the butter and made pancakes. The pancakes were most delicious and Jumbo (Sambo's father), Mumbo and Sambo tucked in happily with Sambo eating the most. (mumbo jumbo - political correctness was virtually absent then)

So imagine my delight when I found fudge at the Galway Christmas market that is named tiger butter fudge!

The next category of good memories is food. Malaysians generally love food and get very creative over food. In fact, we often go for long drives just to taste some special cuisine. We not only love food, we love to cook too.

When it is cold outside, I feel peckish. So I think of food. Not any type of food but food connected with certain occasions. Who can forget yesteryear's Quality Street Sweets?

And when our father brought us to the cinema he would buy us a packet of Peanut treets. We could also choose the cut fruits that were displayed on a block of ice. Ivory coloured apple or pear halves, sometimes oxidised at the edges. Each piece of fruit had a toothpick jabbed into it.

 Then when we were sick, we would get a special treat. Mum would buy us golden puffs or Bluebird chocolate toffee and that really aided recovery and brought such comfort to the sorry soul.

I guess the memory that captivates me most is the prized turkey or was it the goose? I can't remember. Anyway someone gave us a big fowl, as big as the one in the window in Mr Scrooge's village. We had no oven then, so we brought the fowl to the local restaurateur and he agreed to roast it for us. After 4 hours, a few of us sisters walked down to the restaurant to collect the turkey. It wasn't quite ready yet but what a sight! It was a huge brick oven with an open fire and the chef was generously basting it  with rich thick sauce. The aroma was like heaven and that was how I remembered the whole episode.

It's funny how different present day cookie tins or food tastes like. I'm glad that I'm ancient enough to have enjoyed what is vintage and what is now.

I HAD A DREAM

I had a dream when I was a child. No, I had many dreams. And childhood dreams creep up on me like some Freudian subconscious voice, speaking very loudly indeed in the most unexpected moment.

When I was 6 years old, I passed a shop of 'all sorts' on the way to kindergarten. I call it a shop of 'all sorts' because you can find almost anything there - from zips to pots and pans. But the thing that caught my eye was a lovely hard plastic baby doll that wore a red cloak with a red hood. She had the sweetest smile and blue eyes as big as saucers that could blink. Her natural eyelashes would have put any falsies to shame. I saw the price tag and kept walking and wishing.

Then the final exam came. Yes, I had to sit for an exam at kindergarten level - Asians take education very seriously from a young age. I was first in a class of 36 . My father decided to reward me and so he brought me to the shop of all sorts and asked me what I wanted. I pointed to the doll, wondering if he would buy it as it was very expensive - 6 ringgit or a whole euro and 50 cents. He did and that baby doll was the first and only doll I ever had. Hugging it was very soothing indeed.

Fast forward to 4 December 2019.

I was walking along the aisles of a big toy shop. I entered the toy shop because my good friend was leaving Ireland and my heart was aching. Some people binge when their hearts ache. I enter department stores.

The only words that came into my mind were 'wow, wow, wow'. I felt like I was only three feet tall and looking up at shelf upon shelf of every toy you can ever imagine. Then like a bolt of electricity, a dream surfaced. It was clear as day and I thought I heard a cabbage patch doll crying out, 'Adopt me. Take me home'.

So I started to search for her. Maybe I was looking at the wrong aisle. A store assistant passed by and I asked him to help me locate the dark hair beauty. He looked at me as if I had two heads. He had no clue what a cabbage patch doll is. I felt very ancient indeed.

It is a very different era altogether.

Cabbage Patch Kids are a line of soft sculptured dolls that were created in 1978 . The child who owns a cabbage patch kid had to take an Oath of Adoption with the famous 14 inch doll. Each kid stands at 14 inches and carries her own birth certificate.

No one I knew had a Cabbage Patch Kid. Only children in television shows or children whose parents were surgeons. The price of one would cost you a trip to the moon and back, that was what I was told.

So, what is it with childhood dreams?

I think they are lovely especially when many years later, you can realise them. Everything is precious when there is value attached to it. The doll itself is just a doll. But it is the child's dream behind the doll that makes it precious. And to realise that dream as an adult, has set that desire in stone. The timing was perfect. The doll soothed an aching heart.

So I brought Tamara Thalia home.