THE BEAUTY OF DESOLATION AND SILENCE COMBINED

 

Isn't it strange that when you revisit a place that you like, you get different associations and feelings?

 Just like when you watch your favourite movie over and over again and each time you notice something that you never noticed before.

I'm talking about the Burren, the place that never fails to evoke strong impressions on me. In fact it has left such an impact that this is my 3rd post about it in a span of 9 years.

When I think about desolation, I think of the state of being deserted, the state that draws a blank, the state of loneliness. It is like the aftermath of something catastrophic. A post Covid 19 scenario. An apocalypse.

And the silence. It is the peace in the silence that strikes me. Nothing but grikes and clints that stretch for miles.

Himself asked me why I wanted to see the Poulnabrone or the Portal Tomb again as I had seen it so many times before.

Every logical question deserves an illogical answer.

My answer is because I have changed from the last time I saw it but the Poulnabrone has not.

That is the reason why I keep taking photos of places I have been before.

There's this interplay of transience and permanence.

I would like to think that I am transient. And when I look at the Poulnabrone  that has withstood the onslaught of time, that is permanence. 

But then again, by a sudden change of wind or an unprecedented climatic disaster, the Poulnabrone that I saw today could also be gone tomorrow, flattened and broken into smithereens. 

The beautiful thing is even in this karst landscape, a flower grows. That is the last thing anyone would expect. That is what I call hope. And it is absolutely beautiful.

INSIDE LOOKING OUT

We went to a lovely restaurant the other day, just to celebrate the fact that we could go out and dine somewhere else other than home. The little things that we have been used to have become so much more precious. I was sitting INSIDE, LOOKING OUT at the people passing by. 

And I thought to myself. Here I am, reading the menu and choosing what I want. No holds barred.

Imagine many years ago, when I was travelling on my own presenting papers at international conferences on a shoe string budget. Especially during winter when I saw people laughing and dining in fancy restaurants behind frosted windows and I wondered what it was like, eating in the comfort of great smells and warmth. I was on the OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN.

Instead, I would have walked into Sainsbury or Mercato and bought a drumstick and a roll - that would have sufficed as dinner. Just because there were greater concerns of the day and expenses that needed to be met.

Recently a small company approached me to make fabric masks. What started off as making masks for family and friends had suddenly evolved into a possible business. (Sometimes I see myself as having the Midas touch because I am never short of people who want to buy my handmade things) 

But I said NO. Not now, not ever I hope. Because my 'working' days are over - days when I had to work very hard to make ends meet, to raise a family. Indeed I have made my million and the children are well and capable.

So time is precious. How I want to spend my time is precious.

Just like Anthony Warlow's 'This is the Moment'.

This is the time when the momentum and the moment are in rhyme. This is the day I want to live for, to see it sparkle and shine. Where every endeavour I have made is coming to play, is here and now. 

Today. 

IT'S HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO WHAT YOU WANT FOREVER

In July and August this year,  I have to say goodbye to two friends. One whom I was just getting to know better and the other whom I've known for 8 years.

Ivania came into my life when her daughters enrolled at a local school. Getting to know her was effortless as she is unassuming and full of life. I invited her over to my house for tea and  as English is not Ivania's first language, google translate was a big help. I wish I knew Spanish!!

And before we could have more tete a tete, the lockdown came. But communication can take so many forms, if we put our minds to it. There was a slew of WhatsApp messages sharing fun things and things that matter.

So when we could travel out of Ireland again, I got a text from her saying that she and her girls would be boarding the ferry soon. I knew that would eventually come one day but when it came, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Too soon!!!

We had another round of food at the Lakeside and when I brought her home in my car, I knew I would not see her again until I go to Madrid one day.

A.A. Milne said, 'How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.'

Friendship is such a beautiful thing. To have good friends is to be a good friend yourself. I cannot say often enough that good friends don't happen overnight. Like everything else friendship needs nourishment - time, effort, mutual concern. Many have neglected building friendships because of other pressing matters of the day. It is when all is said and done, and the children have flown the nest, and you sit down and say to yourself  'I don't have friends'.

Susan came into my life some 8 years ago. We just clicked from the word go. She is compassionate and we have exchanged recipes and secrets of the heart. Sometime next week, she will be returning to Seattle. We promise ourselves that we must meet in NYC someday at least!

So to my lovely friends who have left something behind in my heart...

I am....

- SAD to see you go

- HAPPY that you are going to have more joy in your life

- EXCITED that the future is bright for you

- ANGRY that you had to go through anything unpleasant during your stay here

- HOPEFUL that we will meet again

- APPRECIATIVE of the moments we shared

- GLAD that I've known you as a friend

- CERTAIN that God is there for you

- OPTIMISTIC that you will be surrounded by lots of love and support

                                               Thank you for being my friend.

A TALE OF TWO COUNTRIES

The waggle dance is a term used in beekeeping to describe a certain figure-eight dance of the honey bee. When a bee dances, its aim is to share information with other members of the colony about the direction and distance farther than 10 metres to floral patches where nectar and pollen are a-plenty. The dance can also convey information about water sources or new nest site locations.

So the idea of a bee sign post couldn't be more appropriate for us.

182km to Dublin. 10912km to Kuala Lumpur.

What has it been like living in two different countries for the last 10 years?

To begin with, the climate, the people and the culture are as different as night and day. And yet there are so many commonalities between the two, if we care to look deeper.

I think it is very easy to complain about any place that we live in but I choose to talk about the positive things instead. I'll list 3 for each country for a start.

MALAYSIA

1. The beauty of multi-ethnicity and multiculturalism

As Malaysians we often take for granted the nature of our society. I find that because we grow up, go to school and work  with different races, we actually reap so many benefits.

We learn to appreciate and be tolerant of differences. We learn many languages and dialects. Before we speak or act, we think about the other person. Will we border on the sensitivities of another? 

We learn to talk and we learn to listen.

We pause and take stock. We learn to live alongside each other instead of attacking one another through our prejudices. As a result our perceptions widen and we are more embracing and inclusive.

Most of the friends I have in Ireland come from mono-cultural societies. I have friends who do not understand why a Malaysian can be a Malay or a Chinese or an Indian. Nor can they understand how Muslims, Hindus, Christians or people of other religions can be great friends.

Because of the different cultures and religions, we open our houses to our friends during festive seasons. We call that 'open house' where we welcome friends to our homes and enjoy our friendship and a variety of good food peculiar to that festivity. We send greeting cards (or electronic ones)  to our friends when we know that they are celebrating the festival - like Christmas, Hari Raya (Eid), Deepavali (Diwali) etc.

 I remember as a child,  my Muslim neighbour used to give us chicken curry and ketupat (cooked rice packs) during Hari Raya (Eid)and our Hindu cleaner would give us mutton curry and putu mayam/ iddayapam (string hoppers) during Deepavali. In return, my parents would give them mandarin oranges and biscuits during Chinese New Year and of course ang pow (money packets) to their children.

2. The beauty of hospitality
I find that hospitality is in the blood of a Malaysian. We love having friends over for sure. We love to cook and to share our food. To an outsider, Malaysian cooking is complicated and time consuming. But we do not complain because it is very satisfying for  us to cook a grand meal to be shared with the people around us. We are proud of our homes and  we invite our friends to our homes. I remember my children's friends coming over every so frequent.

3. The beauty of the weather
I know most Malaysians,  including myself, do not like it when the sun is blazing for 365 days. Yes, we do not have seasons. The sun rises and sets about the same time every day of the year. Because it is warm for the most part of the day, we have a great variety of food served alfresco. Shops open for long hours and eateries are everywhere.

It takes being away from the sun to appreciate the sun. We don't have to watch out for icy roads or frost on our windscreens or frozen pipes. We don't have to wait for endless days of rain to be over. We don't have to put on so many layers and wobble like a Michelin man when we go outdoors. We don't have to watch out for orange or red warnings for storms and put up with endless umbrellas broken by the wind.

IRELAND

1. The beauty of the landscape
I love nature and animals so the Irish landscape is simply beautiful to me. There are low lying mountains and several navigable rivers.  The Wicklow mountains, Moher cliffs, Connemara, West Cork, the Wild Atlantic Way and the Burren are testimony to the varied landscape.

The lush vegetation and woodlands are great for walks. My favourite animals here are the red fox and the badger. 

On a quiet day, you can hear the farmer's tractor whirring. The image of patchwork farms dotted with Friesian cows and frisking lambs is a pure delight. The relatively small population (approx.4.7 million in the republic) means there are lots of open spaces.

I am also in awe of the standing stones and stone circles and dolmens - so many that are far more ancient than the stone henge in Salisbury. The air of mystery they unfold and the immense feeling of being so near  that I can actually touch them is beyond description.

2. The beauty of the weather
The Irish climate is  influenced by the Atlantic ocean and is thus very moderate and the winters are mild. We have 4 seasons in a year, but sometimes you can have 4 seasons in a day.

I like the different seasons because I can do different things and wear different clothes. 

Spring is when I look forward to new life and my gardening starts. Summer is when I travel. Ireland is midway between Europe and the States so it doesn't take too long to fly either way. Autumn is my favourite season because it is not too hot or cold and it is also harvest time for most of my produce. I love it when the leaves turn a beautiful shade of yellow, red and brown. And when Winter comes, I love the warmth and aroma of the turf fed fire and I literally hibernate and rest, to be well prepared for the next Spring.

I like the spirit of volunteerism here, where people really go out to help and it is not for the money. I like the politeness of the general community - a 'howya' greeting along the street in rural Ireland or an acknowledgement from the driver of another car when you let him pass.

I like attending church here because the leaders are humble and the messages down to earth and genuine.

3. The beauty of the Arts

Because of my background in studying and teaching literature, it is a joy to live in the land of literary giants - Wilde, Yeats, Joyce, Seamus Heaney, Samuel Beckett and so many more.  There is a large surviving body of Irish mythological writing and Ireland has its fair share of wordsmiths on the global pedestal and Nobel prize winners in Literature.

There is no shortage of musicals and plays and operas in Bord Gais Theatre, Dublin or more locally at the Belltable or Limetree theatre in Limerick. We go regularly for these and really enjoy the variety and quality of the programmes.

We also enjoy the fairs - whether they are small scale country fairs or large ones like The National Ploughing Festival or Bloom.

So, both Malaysia and Ireland are close to my heart.

I am blessed to be able in live in both countries.

Most importantly, I am surrounded by people who love me in both countries.

TELL YOUR HEART TO BEAT AGAIN

I had a big cactus plant that I grew from a pup. It required very little care, just sunshine and a bit of water now and again. It was healthy and sturdy and it sat nicely on the shelf until I accidentally knocked it one day and it fell. Seeing no harm done, I put it back into the pot and didn't pay much attention to it.

Days passed and I noticed that something was wrong with it. It was literally shrinking before my eyes.

I did an internet search to find out the possible reasons for this malady and I learnt, a tad to late, how to nurture a fallen cactus to full health. Seemingly you will need to examine the wound, excise the rot and apply sulphur powder which is a natural fungicide to the wound.

I took the cactus out of the pot to inspect it and noticed that by then the rot had become so bad, it had given up the ghost.

What had just happened? A fine stately specimen had been reduced to sad pulp, only fit for the compost heap.

There is so much similarity between this wounded thorny object and a human heart.

I was listening to the song 'Tell your heart to beat again' by Danny Gokey and found out the story that inspired the song.

The story goes that a heart surgeon in Ohio once removed a patient's heart to repair it. It was a successful operation but ironically the heart wouldn't beat. Before giving up altogether, the surgeon knelt down beside the unconscious patient and spoke to her:

“Mrs. Johnson, this is your doctor. We have fixed your heart—we have repaired it. There’s nothing wrong with your heart. Mrs. Johnson, if you can hear me, I need you to tell your heart to beat again.”

I can't help thinking of the cactus where the insides were so messed up,  it was beyond living. But if I had intervened earlier, it could have lived.

How many times have we let disease and bad experiences and hurtful memories eat into our insides?

We don't realise that over the years, if not dealt with, the decay gets worse. 

We think that if we don't remember them, they won't affect us. We think that if we avoid dealing with them, we will escape the consequences. It only takes an incident, a song, a word, a deed, even something that happens to someone else - to trigger the pain - and all those memories will crash upon us, just as if they happened yesterday. Very vivid with all the details we thought we had forgotten. Sometimes we don't even realise that they have been there still, after all these years.

Dawna Hetzler the author of 'Walls of a Warrior' says, ' We have to be intentional and want restoration. Begin the journey of forgiveness, prepare to love again, slow yet steady. Believe again. Sing a new song.'

And Mrs. Johnson had to tell her heart to beat again.

She lives still.

LET OUR STARS SHINE

My friend Margarita has this poster on her social media page and even before I read the translation, I know it must mean something beautiful because a picture paints a thousand words.

I see a person climbing a high ladder to stick stars onto the sky. And I see a whole basket of stars pushed by a puny animal. There is effort involved in climbing so high. There is fear involved too if she is afraid of heights. There are so many stars in the basket, so it means lots of time taken to stick them one by one onto the sky. The basket is heavy and the puny animal needs to push it with all her strength. But both the person and the animal continue to do so.

Perseverance.

Translated it means: People who help others shine know that there is room for everyone.

Being selfless. Being supportive. Being encouraging.

But what is more common everywhere is backbiting and stepping on others to get ahead, be it in the real world or in soap operas. People are envious of others having a better life than themselves. Others feel threatened if someone is more capable or has more potential. Sad to say, there are plenty of them around.

I have attended many workshops on creativity. When I really enjoy doing something, I go all out. So even if everyone else makes a simple art piece, I challenge myself to make a more complicated one. Sometimes I don't stop at one.

And when I bring it to the class the following week, some are genuinely excited to see what I have done. But there are always those who will not be happy. You can sense it from their body language. Even the teacher! So a good friend who has seen my works privately, even told me not to bring my best piece to class. Just bring a mediocre piece, so everyone is happy, so no one feels threatened.

What a shame!

If I were the teacher and my student shows great enthusiasm in my class, I would be so proud. If my student outshines me and creates better things using what I have taught as a springboard, I would be over the moon.

I love a good challenge to excel and I challenge others to excel. That has always been the way I encourage my children and support them, even if they are already adults.

My good friends who share with me their insecurities know that I will help them see the best in themselves. Because sometimes we forget our strengths and it takes another person to give us an honest assessment of what we can do and what we can't. Because sometimes we need to be challenged to take the next step, out of our comfort zone.

Why is our worldview so narrow? Why do we tell ourselves that if someone gets ahead, we will be left behind?

I have encountered strange remarks that left me baffled. When I check with my Irish friends, they almost always come to the same conclusion - 'these people are simply jealous of you.'

I am very comfortable in my own skin. I respect the law.  Within the community, I do what I want to do, not because I have to do it. I am not afraid to disappoint others because I choose to be true to myself. No society, custom or habit can influence me to do otherwise. I have no bucket list and I do not desire the bigger house next door. I am content with my lot.

I have also been shocked by people whispering in my ears - usually bad stuff about others - a snide remark, a rolling of eyes. The sad thing is it has become so common, they don't see anything wrong and as long as they don't kill or rob someone, they think gossip is pretty harmless.   It only shows a disgruntled spirit within a very unhappy person indeed.

When someone I know shines, I genuinely feel very happy for her. I don't believe in luck, so I believe she must have done something great to arrive at such an achievement.

To actually help someone achieve more or become a better version of himself takes time and effort and a different perspective of life.

There is always room for another star in the sky. When we let others shine, we will also shine alongside.

The best part is the reward is intangible. A deep satisfaction to see someone else happy. A deep satisfaction within which no one can take away.

MUSINGS

When the night sky is full of stars, it is a wonder to behold. What looks like stars lining up in a straight line, is actually very different in reality because they are very very far apart. But against a dark canvas we can conjure up shapes and patterns in perfect alignment.

I am writing to a 9 year old in Togo and wonder what she could understand. In an earlier letter, she asked me how I spent Christmas. If I describe to her the Christmas tree decked with baubles, would it be a totally alien concept to her? If I told her about the presents received, would she have received any herself?

I thought about circumstances.

It doesn't seem fair that some children have toys that reach to the ceiling while others have none. What kind of a future would she have, living in a very basic shelter that she calls home?

I thought about the documentary that I watched the night before. 

About inmates in prison given a second chance to pursue education at tertiary level. One of the female inmates became a mother at 15 because that was the 'normal' route a girl child would take in her society. Would the Togo child be one of the statistics?

I thought about the different things that we experience as we walk this journey called life. 

Some happy, some sad. We try our best to be the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. But when things go wrong, we wonder whether we had been the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother. We are our own harshest critic.

I thought about the different views we hold concerning the present situation. 

My friend asked whether she could come and visit me. I said, we have waited this long, can we wait a little longer until Phase 4?

I thought about the impact the pandemic has left us. 

Why some could still squander their wealth while others do not know where the next meal will come from.

I thought about how much I enjoy my own company. 

Although I long for the time when we could travel freely again, I am also happy where I am - in my home, where there is food on the table, where the air is clean and where my daily 18 hours  are filled with doing what I enjoy most and the remaining 6 hours engaged in a deep sleep with dreams of technicolour. I have attended talks or workshops that do not add value to my day. So I have learnt to make choices, and say No to them.

Whatever it is, the sun still rises in the East and sets in the West.

It is a full spectrum of a day. And if today is a sorrowful day, tomorrow can be totally different. And I am thankful for hope.

I believe nothing happens at random. They are all part of the big picture. Like how we see the stars from afar.