I'M GLAD MY CHILDREN HAVE TURNED OUT ALRIGHT

WITH each Chinese New Year, I think of family and friends who were born under the zodiac sign of that particular year.

My interest in such signs is purely for knowledge as I do not believe that they influence the individual in any way, whether in the past, present or future.

What makes it interesting is that these signs are based on the Lunar year and not the Gregorian year.

So to say that every Chinese child born this year is attributed the Earth Dog zodiac sign is erroneous as this only applies to children born between Feb 16 this year and Feb 4 next year.

This sometimes complicates matters for schoolgoing children because while the majority may carry the same zodiac sign of the particular year that were born into, some children born in January for example, may bear the zodiac sign of the year before.

My youngest falls into this category and while her friends were born in the year of the Dog, being a January child she was considered to belong to the year of the Rooster.

But, technically she is still 24 years old just like all her other classmates.

So, I sit back and tell myself, wow, my youngest is already 24. Where did all the years go?

She’s out working and enjoying her work and all that comes with being 24 — freedom, life, responsibilities, decision-making, happiness, sadness and everything that the world can offer.

She is out experimenting with new things and testing boundaries.

She is learning how to carve out a future for herself, to know what she wants and to fight for what she believes in.

A personal milestone indeed for herself and for myself, the parent.

For me, it is about appreciating my adult children and about letting go.

It is about taking stock. It is about understanding that their views may be different from mine and that I may not agree, but it is still okay.

It is about the good choices they make and my heart rejoicing with them.

It is about the bad choices they make and my heart aching with them.

It is about financial independence for themselves and for myself.

What I have saved, or have earned is now mine. No more student accommodation costs, tuition fees and living expenses to pay for.

No more living under the same roof.

Instead, we have new found sources of income — pocket money from the children straight into our savings account every month.

Holidays and hobby classes for the parents paid for by the children.

Not that I need them to pay for us, but I believe it is beneficial for them to learn how to give and for us to learn how to receive.

Just like when I would take on extra work just to make sure that they could go for the extras — piano and violin lessons, ballet lessons, philharmonic concerts and holiday camps.

Some parents live for their children or live through them.

I do not fall into either category but I made sure that since I brought them into the world I must be as good a compass to guide them.

These are the life skills that I tried to teach.

Uppermost is the value of selflessness and the importance of being appreciative and not to take anything for granted.

The beauty of simplicity as opposed to materialism. Humility and efficiency in all that we do so that others will trust us and know that we are made of more.

A drive to succeed, to be self-confident and to know that we need to be committed and creditable in order to gain respect and be trusted.

Most of all, to know that we are not infallible, we make mistakes but we can pick up the pieces.

I was asked in a group discussion, what would be on my bucket list regarding my children?

I have none. They have turned out all right.

Not only did they turn out all right, they have turned out very well indeed.

I am sure that whatever brickbat is hurled their way, they’ll be well able to handle it.

And I am very proud.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 18 FEBRUARY 2018 https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/334363/im-glad-my-children-have-turned-out-all-right

GIVING THOUGHT TO GIVING

I was talking to George, a dear friend in his 80s and he told me that his wife had just celebrated her birthday and they had a wonderful time. The grandkids came and there was a big feast. So I asked him, ‘When is your birthday? ‘ and he told me.

That conversation occurred in December last year. I knew I wasn’t very good at remembering dates so I keyed the date down in my phone. When his birthday arrived in January, I decided to make a wooden tea caddy with an assortment of tea sachets in it. I then decorated the box with embellishments and trimmings. Like most Irishmen, George loves to drink tea.

When I gave him the caddy, he was thrilled to bits.

The beauty of giving is when it comes from the heart - not because we have to and not because it is a season for giving. That is why I believe very much in ‘unbirthdays’.

An unbirthday can be celebrated on any of the days in a year which is not the person’s birthday. Coined by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass, we see Humpty Dumpty in a cravat that was given to him as an ‘unbirthday present’ by the White King and Queen. We also have ‘The Unbirthday Song’ in the 1951 Walt Disney’s animated feature film Alice in Wonderland. So when I see something or make something that a good friend might like, I’ll just give it to him as a present anytime of the year.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ has been used flippantly to describe any gift even gifts that reveal tell tale signs that not much thought has actually been put into it.

A heart felt gift undergoes a process that requires time - time to think, time to browse in the shops or time to make. When we take the time to think, to make or to buy, to wrap and then to deliver the gift, the anticipation builds until that moment of surprise and delight when the person who least expects a gift, receives it.

Simply put, it tells the person what he means to you.

In the early years, when I first came to Ireland, a particular elderly relative was very nice to me. She was non-judgemental and embraced me as her own. I felt very touched by her warmth and acceptance and made a cushion for her. It took me some time to cross-stitch bright orange sunflowers against black gingham-checked cotton fabric. I wanted to share the ‘sun’ of my country, a country that is hospitable to strangers. She was overwhelmed and was determined to keep the cushion in its pristine condition, wrapped in plastic and all.

Then lately I handmade a quilt for her to keep her warm during wintry nights. When we went to her house to deliver the quilt she wasn’t in so we left it with her neighbour. That evening she rang me and between sobs she told me how precious the quilt was to her.

Times like this reminds me that every minute put into making or buying a gift is well worth it. A broad smile, a surprised face and a happy heart - nothing compares to these intangible returns.

The rewards of giving can never be underestimated. I have read of live accounts of professionals just leaving their secure environments with their young families in tow, to do charity work in impoverished lands. What a magnanimous attitude!

We may not be brave enough to leave the comforts of home to serve in strange places, but certainly we have friends around us that we can show care and love? This means giving them our undivided attention and time.

I have a friend who complained to me that she wouldn’t go to a certain person’s house again because although she was invited over for a cup of tea, the hostess was too busy cleaning this and that and had no time to actually sit with her to drink tea.

I met George the following week and asked him whether he had tried the different tea flavours. He said, ‘I’m keeping them for special occasions.’

It is a gift too precious to use wantonly. It is a gift from heart to heart.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 25 FEBRUARY 2018  https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/338704/giving-thought-giving

STARTING THE YEAR WITH KAFKA

We were in Prague sometime last month just to enjoy its fairy tale beauty. It fell upon my lot to plan the itinerary as well as to source out the public transportation routes and such because my spatial intelligence is at its prime when it comes to city maps, grids, directions, signposts and streets rather than unmarked country roads that meander along into nowhere.

Like any tourist in a city for the first time, I would source out the popular places to visit and the eateries. I have no qualms about asking for information from the random person on the street and the Czechs are extremely friendly and helpful. That is a real bonus as short holidays are primarily for relaxation and it would be awful to be in rude company. We are also very partial to local gastronomical delights and ready to try new food and thanks to my two Czech friends, I have a good list of suggestions on what tastes like heaven on earth.

I like visiting European cities because they are so rich in every sense of the word - rich in history, culture and the arts. If walls could speak, I would be hearing tales of kings and serfs of kingdoms past. I would do them great injustice to put down on paper what I hear because words are never enough to describe what goes beyond words. It would merely be a poor translation.

Yet, try if I must.

If Ireland is about Yeats or Joyce, then certainly Prague is about Franz Kafka, a German-speaking 20^th century Bohemian novelist and short story writer. His writings are a concoction of the bizarre and the real, the surrealistic and the fantastic.

His protagonists are almost always alone wrestling with events beyond their control and his themes centre around alienation, existential anxiety, guilt, and absurdity. His best known works include "Die Verwandlung" ("The Metamorphosis"), Der Process (The Trial), and Das Schloss (The Castle).

I studied Kafka’s works when I was at the university and I wasn’t a great fan of his works for the simple reason that I couldn’t make sense of any of them. At 20 years of age, that could be pardonable. In my mind’s eye, I was looking for linear progression and logical conclusions as would be found in most novels but I found none in Kafka’s.

So the whole experience of ploughing through his works was a big muddle, just like the nightmarish muddle that his protagonists face. In fact the term Kafkaesque has entered the English language to describe situations like those in his writing.

When we visited Prague Castle, I couldn’t help but draw comparisons with the castle that is in Kafka’s Das Schloss (The Castle). The actual castle is built on the hill and there are about 200 steps up from Malostranské náměstí to the castle.. While we managed to reach the top of the castle and enjoyed the magnificent view, the protagonist K never did. Just like in life, there are some things that we can achieve and some that we can’t. The wisdom is to let go that which we can’t and to concentrate on what we can achieve.

I do not agree with all of Kafka’s quotes but I do have a few favourites.

Kafka says “A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.”  

I can see the axe coming down hard on the hard icy surface and the brute force of it shatters the ice to tiny fragments. Every one has that frozen bit that needs to be liberated. It could be a book that does the job or a flash of courage. With time, whatever is frozen can become so calcified that it would seem impossible to be liberated. Yet, I know of many who dared to take control of their own lives while others chose to stay behind.

Kafka says, ‘“I am a cage, in search of a bird.” 

It is about leaving behind what traps us and being on a quest for something more. It is about the desire to be fulfilled. It is about captivity and freedom.

Kafka says, ‘Paths are made by walking.’

I think this is self explanatory. Unless we make those steps, there can be no route forward. The more steps we make the longer the path. If we continue to walk on the same path day in and day out, the earth gets more compact and familiar. But if we choose to walk in different directions, then we can create new paths. Very profound indeed. 

I am not talking about earth shattering resolutions but these quotes are good foundation stones to start a new year with. Baby steps. All in all, I am glad I could get a glimpse into the mind or the tortured soul of a great writer in his homeland. 

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 4 FEBRUARY 2018 
http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/nstnews/2018/20180204nstnews/index.html#/19/

EMBRACING THE WINTER

I hide under the lovely duvet and tell myself it is not time to get up yet. Why, with the heavy curtains drawn, I convince myself that morning has not broken so I grope for the alarm clock and hit snooze again. It takes quite an effort to trundle out of bed.

This generally is my mood on a wintry morning.

“Winter Is Coming" is the motto of House Stark, one of the Great Houses of Westeros in the Game of Thrones. The Starks, being the lords of the North, take great measures to prepare for the onslaught of winter. It is a time of vigilance as it is the hardest season.

 In “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” C.S. Lewis uses winter to represent a very trying time under the rule of the White Witch in Narnia. Winter is the final stage in the procession of the seasons and is almost always associated with darkness and a general slowing down.

Hate it or love it. Winter is how we want to view it.

Although it is a period of dormancy, I embrace the time of introversion, contemplation and stillness. 

It is the time to come to terms with what I have done or not done and what I have lost or gained.

Winters are generally quite mild in Ireland but there is the occasional snow. That is when we’ll see the tree limbs hanging low from the weight of the snow and it is such a lovely sight  like silhouettes against a white background.

Creating silhouettes involves tracing lines around the object’s shadow. Every limb and every leaf is distinct, different and beautiful. So too is every creature, big and small - distinct, different and beautiful.

I was in a sugar paste demonstration session one evening and a friend  lamented that she could never do the leaves and flowers to perfection. She said that the demonstrator was very talented. What she meant was that she didn’t measure up to such expectations or to the demonstrator . I turned to her and in jest asked her whether it was an Irish thing to think much less of oneself when compared to others? 

I added that she might not be able to create the leaves and flowers in the same likeness but surely she was very good in many other areas. There was no need for comparison.We are all distinct, different and beautiful.

Footprints on snow are also very delightful - the robin, the squirrel, the cat and some footprints keep you guessing whether they belong to a fox. Footprints can be in a definite line or all over the place. I think of the footprints that we have left behind for others. Will our acquaintances, friends and family follow where we have trod or will the prints  just be washed away by the rain to form a mushy non-descript slush?

Footprints in the Snow, written by Mei Matsuoka is about a wolf following a trail of footprints to find a friend and to prove that the concept of the ‘big, bad wolf’ is wrong. It is  about latent instincts and stereotypes, something that we battle with.

Winter also sees birds flocking to the feeder. I hang up the feeder and it is such a pleasure to watch a flock of birds pecking at nuts and seeds. What makes me angry is when the bigger birds hog the feeder and bully the small ones who are too afraid  to remain on the feeder for long.

And then there is smoke that swirls above the chimneys.

That is a very comforting sight because I know there is someone at home and there is warmth. As we feed turf, wood and coal into the hungry stove that devours everything completely, the waft of fragrant lumber fills the room. Let the flames lick up all our inadequacies, our failures, our mistakes with great fervour and release the sweet aroma of hope and possibilities for a new cycle.

I have taken the journey through 2017 and I am content with what I have, what I have done and the family and friends that I have. I await the new year just as Winter awaits Spring to express her grand show of transition outwardly while the frozen beauty melts.

                                         Wishing all readers a happy new year!

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 14 JANUARY 2018 : https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/01/324926/embracing-winter

WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG UNINTENTIONALLY

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I think one of the worst situations to be in is to do something wrong  unintentionally and then having to own up at a later date.

I remember having just passed the driving test and I had the privilege of driving my sister’s car every now and then. There was a time when my classmate asked me to help her move some boxes from her house to another location. Like a good samaritan I agreed and borrowed my sister’s car for that purpose. So I drove to my friend’s house and as I reversed the car into the porch I heard a very unpleasant crunch. Due to poor judgement on my part, the door near the passenger seat suffered a nasty dent and my heart sank.

To cut the long story short, I drove the car to the mechanic, had the dent hammered out and the door looked so good, no one would have guessed what had happened before. What was uppermost in my mind was whether I should confess to my sister what I had done. In other words, to own up to my careless deed or to keep quiet about it. At 18, that was pretty hard to do for fear of repercussions as it was a relatively new car.

What if someone does something wrong intentionally and due to a life changing event realises his mistake?

We went to the Inishowen Peninsula in County Donegal not too long ago. Situated in the northernmost part of Ireland, its unharnessed beauty attracts many and has become a point of interest. When the cast and crew of Star Wars: Episode VIII returned to Ireland, Malin Head on the Inishowen Peninsula was handpicked to be one of the shooting sites. In fact the trademark slogan ‘May the Force be with You’ seems so appropriate especially when the wild winds there can even blow a strong man down.

But this particular peninsula is also home to a significant event.

We are talking about the life of John Newton, a foul mouthed sailor involved in the slave trade in the 18th century. During his journey back to England from Africa in 1748, he was caught in a storm.

It was here in Inishowen that his boat was repaired and his crew housed. That was a life changing moment because in the face of possible death he was given another chance to live.

So he had to look into himself and right the wrong (slave trade) that  he had  been involved in.

He gradually gave up being captain of slave ships and wrote the pamphlet ‘Thoughts Upon the Slave Trade’ whereby he described the horrific conditions of the slave ships. He later teamed up with William Wilberforce, leader of the Parliamentary campaign, to abolish the African slave trade.

To many of us who have not heard heard about John Newton, perhaps he is most remembered by a  song that he penned about mercy and atonement. Elvis Presley, Andrea Bocelli, Whitney Houston and Rod Steward have all sung  Amazing Grace.

Our actions carry personal responsibility. When we make mistakes, the gap between our questionable behaviour and our self concept widens. There is a form of mental discomfort or tension.

It is a sorry state when unscrupulous people cheat and prey on the vulnerable. How many times have we read of scams and forgery? Blatant slave trade may not exist in the present world but yet there is always some other form of slavery. Then there are others who have no qualms about making false insurance claims for example,  just so they can lay their hands on big money.

Having escaped death,  John Newton described himself as a wretch that was found and as a blind man given new sight. How good it is  to see someone turn around from a questionable past to walk the straight and narrow.

Moving on.

I did tell my sister about the dent and about the mechanic finally and I felt a great relief when she did not make any fuss about it.

                            WISHING EVERYONE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS!

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 24 DECEMBER 2017.
https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2017/12/317834/when-something-goes-wrong-unintentionally

MAKING MOMENTS FOR MYSELF

I’ve just come across a pack of MoMe cards which I think is a brilliant idea to start the day with. 

These are actually flash cards that remind us to make the best of our world each day. It is creating a tent around ourselves and disciplining our thoughts to focus on what build us up instead of tearing us down.

I will list 6 of my favourites:

1. Be aware of what is happening right now instead of wishing it was different.

This is especially for us who have lots of plans. Plans are good and vision far better. The danger is to keep focussing on what could have been or will be and miss out on the present. It is like the child who can’t wait to grow up and the adult who wishes she is younger. We can be content if we purpose in our hearts to love our child or significant other for who he is instead of wishing that he is  someone else. We can be content if we purpose in our hearts to be satisfied with ‘enough’ and not yearn for ‘more’.

2. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

There are some people whom we can relate to easily and others whom we have nothing in common. Choosing friends and acquaintances becomes an art in itself. There are conversations and social obligations that leave us drained and others that build us up. The secret is to know how to walk away from stressful company before we suffer from burnout.

3. Have fun. Fall in love. Regret nothing, and don’t let people bring you down.

"In Memoriam A.H.H." is a poem by the British poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The most frequently quoted lines in the poem are perhaps

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

I must say there are many people who discourage rather than encourage. It takes great resolve not to let people discourage us as we all have feelings and most of us are easily hurt. So we need to be reminded that we are in control of how we respond to discouraging words.

4. Never feel bad for putting yourself first and doing what is right for you.

I meet some people who have no qualms about putting themselves first. They are very forward in what they say and brutally frank in what they think and do. Yet there are many of us who are always putting others above ourselves and find it hard to do what we know is right for ourselves. It sounds simplistic but I think much of this is due to upbringing, culture and religious beliefs.

5. Today will be as wonderful as you make it. Appreciate the little things.

We are governed by our thoughts and speech. Ireland is wet most times and most people complain about the incessant rain. I have a friend who told me that if there is sunshine in your soul it doesn’t matter what the weather is outside. I find this absolutely true..  If I were to let the weather bother me, I’d never be able to see the beauty of living here. I always tell myself if it rains I’ll find joy indoors. If the sun is shining (which is quite a rare thing) I’ll find joy outdoors. I enjoy capturing moments with my camera. Food is tastier when we admire the garnish and the presentation. Clouds are prettier when we see formations of castles and knights in our mind’s eye.

6. You can’t make everyone happy. You are not a bar of chocolate.

I firmly believe that I cannot please everyone. My maxim has always been to do the right thing even if it hurts myself or others. We try to please because we are afraid of losing. We don’t want to lose a friendship or a relationship. To me if we are not afraid to lose, that is when we have won. Making a stand is about the hardest thing ever.

But when a stand is made or when I stay true to what I believe in, then there is freedom. It is in losing that we find. E.E.Cummings in 100 selected poems says, “For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), it's always ourselves we find in the sea.”

The words on the MoMe flash cards are not new. The only difference is that we put them in strategic places to remind ourselves so that they become personalised. The ultimate goal is of course to be able to internalise these maxims one day without having to be reminded by flashcards anymore.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES 10 DECEMBER 2017 

https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2017/12/312882/making-moments-myself

PET OWNERSHIP: BENEFITS OF PAWSITIVE LIVING

THE world seems to be a very bleak place these days if constant reminders to be positive are anything to go by.

We have positive thinking, positive quotes, positive effects, positive lifestyle… and the list goes on.

Reading the paper one day, an advertisement on pet food caught my eye.

It was everything about pawsitive living. I thought the play on words was very clever indeed.

I am a huge advocate of keeping pets. Not being able to have a pet as a child, I allow my children to have any pet they want (with the exception of snakes and tarantulas) on one condition — that they mind them.

So far, our home has welcomed many creatures big and small — dogs, kittens, guinea pigs, birds, fish, iguanas, hedgehogs, sugar gliders, rabbits and hamsters.

Even wild birds nest in our porch.

If I could, I would have loved a baby elephant as well.

Pet ownership has a number of proven health benefits – physical, mental and emotional.

According to studies done by University of Wisconsin-Madison pediatrician James E. Gern, having a pet in the home can actually lower a child’s likelihood of developing related allergies by as much as 33 per cent.

In fact, his research, published in the Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology, shows that children exposed early on to animals tend to develop stronger immune systems overall. An interesting finding indeed.

Owning a pet encourages the development of social skills.

For us who need motivation in the exercise department, a dog can be our personal trainer.

Animals can be an instant icebreaker, whether they are with you or when you’re just talking about them.

I have countless occasions of meeting and chatting with other pet owners in the park when I walk my labrador, Hachi.

Truth be told, the tendency of pet owners is to look at the pet first and then the human who is walking the pet.

I feel sorry for children who have not been brought up to enjoy the companionship of pets.

Sometimes parents transfer their fear of animals to their children.

I had a visitor who started screaming in fear when she saw my chinchilla because she did not like small furry creatures and her children who had never seen a chinchilla before, followed suit and screamed as well.

Pets teach us responsibility. The owner becomes the carer.

Cleaning the cage and making sure there is water and food are all part of caring.

Children who throw stones at animals or taunt them in zoos obviously never had much bonding with pets.

Gail F. Melson, professor emeritus of developmental studies at Purdue University in Indiana, the United States and the author of Why the Wild Things Are: Animals in the Lives of Children, says that “Nurturing isn’t a quality that suddenly appears in adulthood when we need it”.

According to Melson, “you don’t learn to nurture because you were nurtured as a child. People need a way to practise being caregivers when they’re young”.

When a pet falls ill and dies, it is a lesson on empathy, grief and moving on.

Pets also provide companionship and relieve stress, especially among the sick and elderly.

Many hospitals and nursing homes use Animal-assisted Therapy (AAT) or Pet-facilitated Therapy (PFT) on a regular basis.

According to my daughter, Trinity College Dublin has an “exam de-stress canine therapy” room. These animals of all shapes and sizes help students forget their exam troubles.

A pet is an addition to the family and should be treated with love and respect.

Most of all, it should be age-appropriate. I have seen parents being coaxed by a child to buy a pet — only to end up minding the pet when the novelty wears off.

A pet is not for a day or a week. It is for a lifetime.

Pets should also suit the owner’s temperament and lifestyle. I heard from a friend that a family acquired a big dog, but had no time for it and confined it to a small space.

Over time, the dog became restless and bit their child.

So, they had the dog put down. Now, whose fault was it?

Yes, nothing beats pawsitive living. While I’m still at it, I’m going to give my pet a day of pawsome pampering.

I might even consider treating my pet to a pet spa and a photoshoot if he behaves...

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES 19 NOVEMBER 2017

https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2017/11/304820/pet-ownership-benefits-pawsitive-living