THE SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT

Great smells evoke good feelings. Fresh air, green grass, meat grilled over hot burning coals all form an inviting trail to captivate and energize us. My latest feel good whiff is a new car because it is more than the actual physical waft of newness. It doesn’t matter how many new cars you have driven in the past because the moment you collect a new one from the dealer, you are like a proud parent bringing a baby home all over again.

My last car held out for 8 years and as I traded it in for the new one, I grieved a little inside and told her she had served me well. In Malaysia, I had always driven an automatic but over in Ireland manually powered cars seem to be more popular. For the past number of years, I had to learn all over again how to drive in the manual mode and it is with great joy that my new car has a tiptronic gearbox. So no more gear shifting and I can rest my left leg.

It is certainly more than a body on four wheels. I approach it with a full spectrum of emotions, in short, a heady mix of excitement and admiration. Sitting in the lap of luxury and taking on the road spells freedom. It feels like an army tank and because the seat is higher, the perspective of what lies ahead seems more wide angled. The fun part is I can now look into the eyes of the toll booth and parking attendant rather than having to look up.

This car is my personal blank slate and it shouts empowerment.

What is empowerment?

It is to make someone stronger and more confident, especially

in being proud of who she is and how she wants to live.

Confidence and autonomy are pillars of empowerment. When you are empowered, you become a better person to yourself and to others. You are more prepared for the unknown and are motivated to advance and get going. You are more interested in knowing what you want for yourself rather than regularly comparing yourself with others or wondering what other people are doing.

Every year we celebrate International Women’s Day in March. However, we still find that many women are not marching forward and do not have a voice. These women have limited access to education and training and far more often than not, have decisions made for them.

Financial independence is key. It frees the person from anxiety that money troubles can elicit. It is not uncommon to see a display of bullying in bad marriages whereby the one who controls the purse strings is the one who wields power over the spouse.

The power that education brings can never be underestimated. It has been regarded as a ladder of social ascendancy. A famous saying about "study" in China is from a poem in the Song Dynasty (960-1279) by Wang Zhu, which mentions that studying is the most prized activity. Everything else pales in significance. I believe in standing my ground and making sound decisions by being educated and well-informed.

Exercise empowers both the mind and body. It brings a sense of strength and clearness of head. The discipline involved in exercise allows the person to have control over his life.

Empowerment is not about lording over others. It is not about drawing attention to oneself constantly and feeling superior. I find it most uncomfortable to be in the company of braggarts who are loud and pushy. A person who is smart and talented but humble is wonderful to be with.

Assets and trimmings may give an extra boost to confidence but they are just appendages with an expiration date. They alone cannot change our behaviour or character permanently. We become empowered when we set goals and follow them through. In Louisa Mary Alcott’s Little Women, we see that true empowerment of an individual is more from within than without.

Empowerment is a process. Every now and then we need to adjust the process so that we can benefit from it. Brigham Young wrote, “You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation.

I take great pride in driving my new beast from the east. When the rubber meets the road, every shred of anxiety is laid to rest.

“She believed she could, so she did.” – R.S. Grey

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 8 APRIL 2018  www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/04/354659/sense-empowerment

TREASURES ON EARTH

An early morning swim is part of a self care routine that I try religiously to adhere to. Feeling rather accomplished after the swim, I decided to head for the sauna which was usually vacant at that time of the day. Imagine my surprise when I saw not one, but two burly Irishmen sweltering in the heat of the little room. With one quick glance, I noticed that the one sitting on the left bench had a very hairy chest and the other on the right bench was heavily tattooed .

That was an awkward moment as I debated whether to enter bravely or to retreat.

I opted for the former and found a corner to perch comfortably.  I decided to do the sane thing at that time - to close my eyes and meditate. I had turned the sand dial timer for a good ten minutes so to think about sand was as good as any focal point in meditation.

My mind drifted to sand bags used to stop flood waters from entering the house to the fine sand that my chinchilla showers herself with. Then I had visions of sand dunes and sand castles and Petra. Yes, that lost city visited by Indiana Jones (as portrayed by Harrison Ford) during his hunt for the holy grail.

It was about two months ago that I went to Petra in southern Jordan. Although it was my second trip there, the archaeological discovery remained as magnificent as ever. The first time I went there in 2016, I had sprained my ankle prior to the trip so I didn’t manage to go far. This time round I went to the Al-Khazney (The Treasury) and to the Roman-like amphitheatre and beyond.

The city of Petra was carved directly into the red, pink and white sandstone cliff faces by a  civilisation called the Nabataeans. It was built in the 1^st century BCE and was inhabited by about 20000 people at its peak.

Like most tourists, I was overwhelmed by the magnitude and intricate carving of the  Al-Khazneh.  A giant urn carved above the entrance to the Treasury bears the marks of hundreds of gunshots. Bedouin tribesmen living in and among the ancient ruins say the damage was caused when local men would open fire at the urn with rifles, seeking the loot thought to be inside it. Another legend is that it functioned as a treasury of the Egyptian Pharaoh at the time of Moses.

We all have our own Al-Khazneh where we keep our prized material stash. For some this stash increases over time, for others it decreases. It all depends very much on what we deem important or unimportant over time.

The greatest treasure is what a person loves most. It restructures one’s values and priorities.

To the Nenets of the Yamal peninsula in northern Siberia, the reindeer is their prized possession.. 65 year old reindeer herder Medko Serotetto says it is their food, their transport, their soul. But should he choose to forsake this harsh lifestyle, then his herd of 5000 reindeer will no longer be his treasure.

I have been to homes where every corner is decorated with priceless artifacts. I have also been to very spartan homes owned by the rich. Deep in the recesses of our hearts we want to acquire. We want to have that which appeals to our eyes. We even equate possessions with power. Advertisers for luxurious objects milk this delusion. It is the hunt after things that drives the adrenalin and once we have secured the hunted, we are on another hunting game.

I overheard a teenage boy boasting to his friends that he receive the latest I-phone as a Christmas gift. I also knew that one grandmother painstakingly knit a pair of socks for her teenage grandson. It does not need a genius to figure out which present would be more treasured by the teenage boy.

The allure of hoarding materialistic possessions is indeed great.  For where your treasure is, there will be your heart as well. If we but pause for a moment, we will realise that we will need to leave them all behind at one point in time.

I love diamonds, precious stones, gold and wads of cash. Who wouldn’t? But I remind myself constantly that genuine treasures are not so much in material things but more in intangible things. Our hearts need to treasure these above all else.

Good health, a loving family and loyal friends are usually what we sometimes take for granted until something untoward happens.  It is only when I accidentally cut my little finger while preparing dinner that I realise how important the little finger is.

The sand in the upper half of the sand dial timer had almost completely trickled into the lower half. When I opened my eyes, I realised that the hairy man and the tattooed man had left the room so quietly I didn’t even notice in my intense meditation on sand.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 22 APRIL 2018 www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/04/360136/treasures-earth

THE ENDURING POWER OF CLASSICS

One of the simple pleasures of life is not to have the alarm clock tell you what time you need to be up to go to the office. That means I am the mistress of my time and don't have to go to bed or wake up at a set hour unless I choose to do so for personal reasons.

It was one of those late evenings when the summer sun is still shining brightly and I said it would be a waste to hit the sack and miss all the warmth.

And so I decided to watch Dr Zhivago, a classic.

When we think of classics we think of books, music, consumer artifacts and works of art. In fact Dr Zhivago a novel by Boris Pasternak, first published in 1957 in Italy was a best seller during those days. It was also regarded as a love story of all times.

As I enjoy history and culture, moments of past grandeur and human struggles carefully crafted into a movie are simply mesmerising.

The last time I watched Dr Zhivago was when I was 6. My mother brought me to Odeon cinema and it was always a treat to go to the cinema. It didn’t matter what the movie was. I was forewarned that it was going to be a long movie but I was undeterred because I was actually looking forward to the intermission where cinema stewards would come in and peddle their ware. These stewards had trays dangling from their necks laden with fruit and snacks . We bought the snacks but never the fruit because my mother didn’t trust the stewards to wash the cut fruit carefully and she had convinced herself that flies would have landed on the fruit .

All I could remember of Dr Zhivago were 3 scenes: the opening scene when young Yuri (Tarek Shariff) walked in his mother's funeral procession; a pregnant Tonya, Yuri's wife (Geraldine Chaplin) ironing with a heavy vintage iron that was fed with hot coals and Yuri (Omar Shariff) collapsing on the road.

I heard that grown men cry while watching the movie so I had a ready box of tissues beside me. |I wasn’t going to be caught unprepared.

I kept a lookout for those scenes just to make sure I wasn't imagining them. It was interesting that the 3 scenes were at the beginning, the middle (at 140mins of the run of the film) and at the end of the movie. I wondered why I could still remember those scenes. I must have slept through the rest of the film.

So watching the same movie so many years later evoked a whole gamut of different feelings. Many things were no longer black and white considering the abnormal circumstances that surrounded the protagonists, like political change and war. The hard core villain was a tragic hero, the dreamer had inner strength and the stoic was too stubborn to a fault. Before long I felt tears welling up and I had become non-judgemental.

When we survive different working environments and have lived in different societies and different countries and are open to correction and change, then we become fully fleshed out,. This is what E.M. Forster would refer to as round characters in works of fiction. A round character encounters conflict and evolves unlike flat, or static, characters.

We become kinder, more forgiving and more accommodating. Although we may not agree with the character traits nor the deeds, we are not so quick to impose our standards and convictions on others.

We wonder if we were in that very same position, would we have not done the same?

Maybe we have seen loved ones entrapped in similar situations. Maybe we have recognised and accepted the fact that there are so many cross cultural and cross generational differences that we learn not to be upset by what we cannot change.

Having said that, age is not the determinant in this metamorphosis because many despite being older have remained flat characters. They continue to put labels on everything with no compassion or understanding in between. They want others to be like them, to think the way they do. As long as that remains unresolved, the conflict stays and they continue to be tormented within.

By the time I finished watching the movie, it was into the wee hours of the morning. I went to bed feeling very accomplished having survived the marathon - all 3 hours and 20 minutes of it - although it was a pretty easy marathon with no effort on my part except to lie on the couch and watch another world set in another time.

And I found myself inadvertently humming Lara’s theme in my dreams. 

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 6 May 2018 www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/05/366328/endearing-power-classics

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: A MOTHER'S HEART

It's mother's day today and I'm sure many mothers in Malaysia are given treats and gifts on this special occasion. Interestingly enough, there are 27 Mother’s Day this year because different countries honour their mothers on different days.

Since I live in two countries I get to celebrate it twice so to speak. But to me everyday is Mother’s Day because it is a privilege to be one.

I came home recently to Malaysia because my son Samuel had to undergo a knee operation due to sport injury. My trips back home usually involve a lot of travelling and feasting but this time round I was home bound for the most part of my stay but it was still very satisfying to cook, clean and nurse.

It was nice to go to a wet market and choose fresh produce - the sights and smells -  something that I hadn’t experienced for a while. It was lovely to get back to my spacious kitchen and use my familiar pots and pans again. The gas stove was still standing strong.

King Solomon in all his wisdom had written many proverbs about the good wife and mother. 

She is priceless above rubies. She is industrious and ensures that there is food on the table. She invests wisely and helps the needy. She is clothed with strength and dignity and she hopes in the future. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

Many of us mothers are such.

We emulate the good practices that our own mothers have done for us and in many ways we try to do more. Giving and sacrifice are almost natural traits in us. Most mothers worry from time to time although we try to put on a brave face regardless of whether the son is a baby or a 28 year old.

My mother was the mother of all worriers. Her anxiety came from deep within which I believe was due to her environment and life experiences. She was one of those who thought that worrying was a way of showing love and care. But sometimes being on the receiving end of listening to her worries made it difficult to see that as a sign of caring. Instead it became my job to take care of the worrier - to reassure her that I could handle my problems. Thus there were many times that I withheld information from her so that she didn’t have to worry.

The heart line between a mother and child is so great that it transcends distance.

How many times had I awaken in the middle of the night sensing that my child was having a difficult time whether in Dublin or in Kuala Lumpur? How many times had I rejoiced in my heart for my child before something great actually happened? And how many times had I shed tears and grieve within, knowing that there would be impending sorrow? Interestingly enough, this also works both ways. I’ve had my children calling me and asking me whether something was amidst because there was this ‘discomfort in their gut’ even when I never told them so.

I have people look at me and wonder whether I’m doing my ‘job’ as a mother because I don’t seem to worry as much as they do.

What helps me to worry less is a sense of trust and communication.

Knowing that my children are independent and are able to make sensible choices helps me to step back at times and let the course of action or consequence unravel.  I have also learnt how to accept it when my advice is not taken. I don’t believe in nagging or being a helicopter parent.

Painful though it is, I allow my children to make mistakes. We cannot protect them from every potential threat and neither should we do all the thinking for them.

Through prayers, I also place my trust in my Creator and that gives me a lot of peace. I exchange dark emotional clouds hovering over me and a sense of panic with conversation, support and shared beliefs. My child’s pain is my pain but being there for a child (whether in person or in cyberspace) when he needs it most breaks anxiety. And I’m not only talking about physical pain but also emotional pain.

Sometimes we worry because we think that no one can do the job as efficiently as ourselves. It is most helpful to be surrounded by good service providers. I trust the knowledgeable surgeon, the caring relatives and the good friends that I know would also look out for my son.

At the end of my stay, I flew back to Ireland, happy that Samuel is on the way to recovery. I also held a hand sewn quilt that I had completed while the patient was asleep.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 13 MAY 2018 https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/05/368861/unconditional-love-mothe

FREEDOM TO DREAM

When I’ve been away a few days, the first thing I’d do when I come home is to clean the house. I’ll give every corner a good dusting and mopping.

There was a time when I decided to clean the bird cage. I have always liked birds.

Birds symbolise transition or awakening. Wilbur Wright, the father of aviation said, ‘No bird soars in a calm’. It is about confronting fears and making circumstances work for you. Soaring birds take advantage of thermals and updrafts by flying in a circle. The rising air carries them higher and higher in a spiral. Birds that wish to stay aloft without flapping in normal wind usually fly into the wind for lift.

I had two budgies - one yellow female and one blue male. They were most delightful and they chirped merrily every morning. After cleaning the cage, I went to bed. The next day was one filled with anxiety when I saw that the cage was empty and the door was open. I had either forgotten to latch it or the budgies were so smart as to figure out how to open the cage.

Even though I had kept them as pets for years, the allure of freedom was too tempting.

What is it about the search for freedom that every generation gravitates towards?

Jean-Jacques Rousseau in his immensely powerful treatise ‘The Social Contract’ says,

‘Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.’ Maybe that is what prompts every human to pursue happiness. No holds barred. Unhampered.

In freedom is a perceived higher quality of life. A life that is better than what was before. A life that is different from what we see around us. A life that is different from others.

Freedom is spun from a dream that chases after a vision. For some, dreams remain as dreams because it is safe to dream. We can be in the here and now and yet dream of being somewhere else. The only struggle is within which others cannot see.

Freedom is about taking that step towards the unknown in the hope of achieving something more. Freedom is the choice we make and the responsibility we shoulder. Freedom is being brave.

Vanuatu is an island paradise in the South Pacific. For 45 year old Nigasau who lives there it is all about freedom. He says he is the boss there and he can do what he wants and he can get anything from the sea. In an interview on BBC’s Earth Natural Wonders - Surviving with Animals, Nigasau says, ‘It’s free.’

Albert Hammond’s ‘Free Electric Band’ used to unlock a stream of unfettered dreams in the teenage me. It all sounded so wonderful to leave the conventional path of studies and a career ahead of me, only to pursue music and to live on bread and water with ’a guitar in my hand’. Teenagers crave for freedom and I wanted to be part of Hammond’s free spirited happiness. It sounded like an over the moon experience.

Listening to the lyrics many many years after I had trodden on the conventional path of studies and pursued a lovely career, made me laugh. I was extremely thankful that I  did not give it up for music and the free electric band. They say that hindsight is 20/20 vision.

Uncle Ben Parker in Spiderman says with great power comes great responsibility.  

I would like to think that with great freedom comes great responsibility. I believe in being free to dream and to realise the vision at all costs. I am not talking about irresponsibility, whims. fancies and wild dreams. I am talking about that dream that we hold dear. I would normally give myself a time frame to realise that dream and face the uncertainty. No ifs, no buts.

The budgies never came back and I never kept a bird as a pet again.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 24 MARCH 2018 https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/03/349048/freedom-dream

I'M GLAD MY CHILDREN HAVE TURNED OUT ALRIGHT

WITH each Chinese New Year, I think of family and friends who were born under the zodiac sign of that particular year.

My interest in such signs is purely for knowledge as I do not believe that they influence the individual in any way, whether in the past, present or future.

What makes it interesting is that these signs are based on the Lunar year and not the Gregorian year.

So to say that every Chinese child born this year is attributed the Earth Dog zodiac sign is erroneous as this only applies to children born between Feb 16 this year and Feb 4 next year.

This sometimes complicates matters for schoolgoing children because while the majority may carry the same zodiac sign of the particular year that were born into, some children born in January for example, may bear the zodiac sign of the year before.

My youngest falls into this category and while her friends were born in the year of the Dog, being a January child she was considered to belong to the year of the Rooster.

But, technically she is still 24 years old just like all her other classmates.

So, I sit back and tell myself, wow, my youngest is already 24. Where did all the years go?

She’s out working and enjoying her work and all that comes with being 24 — freedom, life, responsibilities, decision-making, happiness, sadness and everything that the world can offer.

She is out experimenting with new things and testing boundaries.

She is learning how to carve out a future for herself, to know what she wants and to fight for what she believes in.

A personal milestone indeed for herself and for myself, the parent.

For me, it is about appreciating my adult children and about letting go.

It is about taking stock. It is about understanding that their views may be different from mine and that I may not agree, but it is still okay.

It is about the good choices they make and my heart rejoicing with them.

It is about the bad choices they make and my heart aching with them.

It is about financial independence for themselves and for myself.

What I have saved, or have earned is now mine. No more student accommodation costs, tuition fees and living expenses to pay for.

No more living under the same roof.

Instead, we have new found sources of income — pocket money from the children straight into our savings account every month.

Holidays and hobby classes for the parents paid for by the children.

Not that I need them to pay for us, but I believe it is beneficial for them to learn how to give and for us to learn how to receive.

Just like when I would take on extra work just to make sure that they could go for the extras — piano and violin lessons, ballet lessons, philharmonic concerts and holiday camps.

Some parents live for their children or live through them.

I do not fall into either category but I made sure that since I brought them into the world I must be as good a compass to guide them.

These are the life skills that I tried to teach.

Uppermost is the value of selflessness and the importance of being appreciative and not to take anything for granted.

The beauty of simplicity as opposed to materialism. Humility and efficiency in all that we do so that others will trust us and know that we are made of more.

A drive to succeed, to be self-confident and to know that we need to be committed and creditable in order to gain respect and be trusted.

Most of all, to know that we are not infallible, we make mistakes but we can pick up the pieces.

I was asked in a group discussion, what would be on my bucket list regarding my children?

I have none. They have turned out all right.

Not only did they turn out all right, they have turned out very well indeed.

I am sure that whatever brickbat is hurled their way, they’ll be well able to handle it.

And I am very proud.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 18 FEBRUARY 2018 https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/334363/im-glad-my-children-have-turned-out-all-right

GIVING THOUGHT TO GIVING

I was talking to George, a dear friend in his 80s and he told me that his wife had just celebrated her birthday and they had a wonderful time. The grandkids came and there was a big feast. So I asked him, ‘When is your birthday? ‘ and he told me.

That conversation occurred in December last year. I knew I wasn’t very good at remembering dates so I keyed the date down in my phone. When his birthday arrived in January, I decided to make a wooden tea caddy with an assortment of tea sachets in it. I then decorated the box with embellishments and trimmings. Like most Irishmen, George loves to drink tea.

When I gave him the caddy, he was thrilled to bits.

The beauty of giving is when it comes from the heart - not because we have to and not because it is a season for giving. That is why I believe very much in ‘unbirthdays’.

An unbirthday can be celebrated on any of the days in a year which is not the person’s birthday. Coined by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass, we see Humpty Dumpty in a cravat that was given to him as an ‘unbirthday present’ by the White King and Queen. We also have ‘The Unbirthday Song’ in the 1951 Walt Disney’s animated feature film Alice in Wonderland. So when I see something or make something that a good friend might like, I’ll just give it to him as a present anytime of the year.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ has been used flippantly to describe any gift even gifts that reveal tell tale signs that not much thought has actually been put into it.

A heart felt gift undergoes a process that requires time - time to think, time to browse in the shops or time to make. When we take the time to think, to make or to buy, to wrap and then to deliver the gift, the anticipation builds until that moment of surprise and delight when the person who least expects a gift, receives it.

Simply put, it tells the person what he means to you.

In the early years, when I first came to Ireland, a particular elderly relative was very nice to me. She was non-judgemental and embraced me as her own. I felt very touched by her warmth and acceptance and made a cushion for her. It took me some time to cross-stitch bright orange sunflowers against black gingham-checked cotton fabric. I wanted to share the ‘sun’ of my country, a country that is hospitable to strangers. She was overwhelmed and was determined to keep the cushion in its pristine condition, wrapped in plastic and all.

Then lately I handmade a quilt for her to keep her warm during wintry nights. When we went to her house to deliver the quilt she wasn’t in so we left it with her neighbour. That evening she rang me and between sobs she told me how precious the quilt was to her.

Times like this reminds me that every minute put into making or buying a gift is well worth it. A broad smile, a surprised face and a happy heart - nothing compares to these intangible returns.

The rewards of giving can never be underestimated. I have read of live accounts of professionals just leaving their secure environments with their young families in tow, to do charity work in impoverished lands. What a magnanimous attitude!

We may not be brave enough to leave the comforts of home to serve in strange places, but certainly we have friends around us that we can show care and love? This means giving them our undivided attention and time.

I have a friend who complained to me that she wouldn’t go to a certain person’s house again because although she was invited over for a cup of tea, the hostess was too busy cleaning this and that and had no time to actually sit with her to drink tea.

I met George the following week and asked him whether he had tried the different tea flavours. He said, ‘I’m keeping them for special occasions.’

It is a gift too precious to use wantonly. It is a gift from heart to heart.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA ON 25 FEBRUARY 2018  https://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2018/02/338704/giving-thought-giving