PLEASURE IN BEING POLITE

When my children were babies, I used to read to them this book about a bear cub who has no manners. Mama bear decides to stamp four meaningful words on his paws so he will not forget them: Please, Excuse Me, Thank You and I’m Sorry.

Interestingly enough, I heard all four words being used on the same day itself.

PLEASE

I was doing grocery shopping and suddenly I heard an excited voice asking the sales person,

‘ Where can I find a packet of quinoa, please?’ he asked. The magic word ‘please’ shows respect and consideration. It is not only a social norm but it also reflects on your upbringing.

I couldn’t see him because his back was facing me. Then he repeated himself, this time speaking slowly and clearly, q-u-i-n-o-a.

It is not rocket science to know what the problem was. The sales person had no clue what quinoa was and to him it could be moon rock for all it mattered. The man was flustered and disappointed.

EXCUSE ME

Actually he was standing very close to the aisle where there were bags of Uncle Ben’s whole grain and quinoa.

I walked to the said aisle for the fun of it, correction, I couldn’t resist it. I took a bag of quinoa and headed towards his direction except to find that the disappointed man was gone. Since I never saw his face I had to depend on his voice. Then out of the blue the voice came, this time round he was searching for another ingredient for the great dish that he was going to cook.

I went up to him and said, ‘ Excuse me, were you looking for this?’

His face beamed as if he had won the lotto. ‘Look Mary (calling out to a lady further down the aisle) a good samaritan had found the quinoa’

Turning to me he asked, ‘Where did you find it?’

I said, ‘The rice aisle’

He said, ‘I was there but I didn’t see it’

I said, ‘You didn’t look hard enough’ and laughed.

I thought to myself, if the supermarket employed me as a salesperson, I would know exactly where everything is. I’ve met all sorts of salespeople: those who know everything and those who know very little.

I’M SORRY

Then I went to look for mussels and the fish monger said, ‘I’m sorry, I just sold the last bag.’ It is not uncommon to hear people apologising for almost anything. If I accidentally bump into someone, I may actually hear the other person saying they’re ‘sorry’ for standing in the way of my clumsy wandering. Other examples are  "Sorry can I just say?... oh sorry, you were saying, no sorry... sorry, sorry, don’t mind me….sorry, you go ahead...sorry".

The use of ‘sorry’ here has become more of a tag rather than a real heart felt apology which is a different thing altogether because the latter involves humility and overcoming pride.

THANK YOU

So after the grocery shopping, I went to buy a rolling pin.

Salesperson: This is a lovely rolling pin. Value for money now that the sale is on.

Me: Yeah, I broke mine last night

Salesperson: I hope you didn’t hit anyone with it.

Me: I wish!

Salesperson: Thanks a million! (This ‘thanks a million’ phrase is really iconic here. )

In fact, according to the Irish journal, Dublin Bus research reveals that 90% of passengers always say thank you to their driver.

Being polite makes the world an easier place to live in. Videos of neighbours fighting over small matters have gone viral and there are many ugly instances where manners have just gone out of the window. Manners when instilled from young go a long way. 

In this respect, mama bear is doing the right thing.

THE THINGS WE DO OR DON'T DO

I was sitting in the waiting room for my regular dental appointment. Truth be told it was one of those things that I didn’t look forward to. It must have been the childhood memories of the dental nurse coming into the classroom with a list of names which would strike terror into the heart of any impressionable child. If you were called you knew you were doomed to sit on that infamous chair, looking into a bright light and having an assortment of equipment probing your 20 milk teeth or whatever that was left.

So to take my mind off the situation at hand, I decided to think about different things.

1. Things that we need to do but we don’t like to do.

Besides the dental visit, I also do not like to see the doctor or to undergo any medical tests because you’ll never know what you may be told. I don’t like approaching the weighing scales either or being on a rabbit food (a.k.a tasteless) diet or going three times a week at least to the gym. But I do them anyway because that is what I need to do.

2. Things we wished we had done but we did not

I am not good at thinking of a quick answer on the spot because I’m one who mulls over what I should say before I actually do so. In most cases this is good as words said in a wrong way at the wrong time could spell trouble. But sometimes there is a need to speak up. Take for instance when I went to a shop that sold pretty things in Adare. The shop keeper asked if she could help me. I said, no, thank you, I was just looking. She was certainly in a bad mood that day and she made a very sarcastic and racist remark that threw me off-guard. I was too shocked to answer and left the shop immediately. On hind-sight, I should have retorted and given her a piece of my mind. Most shop keepers are lovely. She was an exception.

And what about the time when someone’s child was bawling away on a long flight and the parent did nothing? Or when you were trying to rest on a hospital bed and friends visiting the other patient next to you were behaving as if there was a party? I must certainly make learning how to speak out boldly when the situation demands it, my next year’s resolution.

3. Things that we do and we don’t know why we do them

When I enter a cafe by myself for a coffee, the first thing I would do is to whip up my phone and let my finger scroll the screen. A totally useless activity given that I had just looked at the screen before I entered the cafe. Or if I didn’t have my phone with me, I would grab any reading material and start reading. Then I also have the habit of pressing the crosswalk button many times even though it won’t make the ‘green man’ appear any faster. And how many times have I gone back to my parked car to double check whether I have locked it?

4. Things that we wish we could do but we can’t

We can’t solve another person’s problems. We can advise till we are blue in the face and none of the advice will be taken. Sometimes it can be very frustrating as the solution can be as clear as day to you and yet the person will not take any action and will tell you the same problem every time he sees you. The bottom line is he is not you and the fact that he keeps coming back to tell you his problem shows that you are a good listener and a trusted friend.

5. Things we love to do and would spend endless hours on them

This is my favourite because I can spend such joyful moments engaging in the things I like to do. A friend who saw my garden asked me whether I spent a few hours daily to till the land or a few days at one go? Another person when looking at my crafts asked whether I slept at all? When I’m engaged in a project it is on my brain from the beginning till the end. The whole process of coming up with an image right up to actually painting the image is not limited by time. That is why it is said you can’t put a price on art and you can’t say how many man hours you have committed to it.

So back to the dentist.

He had a good look at what’s left of the 32 teeth and probed here and there. Then he said, ‘I’ve never seen an Irish come in without any plaque! Whatever you have been doing, keep it up and your teeth will serve you well into your 90s even.’

So I waved goodbye to him and headed towards a cafe. Now, would I take out my phone to stare at the screen while I wait for the coffee?

ALL HAIL MARIE KONDO

When Marie Kondo's book ' The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.' was published in 2014, i took to her instructions like fish to water. Why? Mainly because i like to be organised, focussed and disciplined in all that I do. So, while some may disagree with some of her methods, I welcome them like a breath of fresh air.

Her methods remind me very much of my mother's. My mother was so organised, nothing was ever out-of-place. I loved going into her bedroom to see everything neatly laid down. Every piece of clothing was ironed, folded or hung. Her wardrobe could have won a Blue Ribbon.

I never heard her asking us to tidy our rooms because she taught us well. A sty is only for pigs.

 

On 1 January 2019, Netflix released a series called Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. I was hooked.

It was so much nicer seeing her KonMari method on screen than reading about it. In the series, Kondo visits various American family homes full of clutter and guides the families in tidying up their houses through her KonMari method.

At least now in Ireland, when I talk about her method of organising, I no longer get the quizzical look of 'Marie who?' Even charity shops are happy that they are getting more donations because of her mantra, 'if it no longer sparks joy, pass it on'.

It is interesting to note that the act of decluttering and organising brings about a whole host of really positive effects that are totally unrelated to material possessions.

When we decide that we have what we need, we are no longer swayed by that sale or that bargain. We can walk away from temptation. We are not bothered if the Smiths have a bigger car, a bigger house or a swimming pool. 

When we fold our clothes neatly in a visible way or put our things in boxes, we know exactly what we have and there is no fear of buying something that we already have. 

It is about putting our house in order. 

Strangely enough Marie has received letters from her clients that they have decided to give their marriage a second chance or have the guts to walk out of a bad relationship. On the surface, such decisions seem to be so far removed from just folding clothes or discarding. 

The way I see it,  the basic principles are the same.

It is all about choices and decision making. We choose to keep what sparks joy and we choose to let go what don't. We make the decision to discard stuff that we have not used for a long time or have become obsolete. Sentimental things are the hardest to let go, but it gets easier through practice.

i have so much fun organising my stuff and the best part is looking at all things arranged neatly. Not just for a day, but for the next day and the next. Because tidying is a habit and once it is formed you just cannot stand mess. An extra bonus is you know exactly where everything is kept and you make it a habit to return anything that you have taken back to its original station. 

Decluttering and organising frees up the spirit. Strange but true. 

Because everything is spick and span, there is calm and a sense of rest. 

There is a feeling of emancipation.

BEATING THE WINTER BLUES

I love all the four seasons. Correction…I love all the four seasons but truth be told getting through winter is a wee bit more difficult. Slippery footpaths, falls, frozen windscreens, thick bulky jumpers, cough and cold make great whining starters. So I learn to fortify the mind and make a conscious decision to enjoy winter. Yes, enjoy winter amidst the frost and blustery winds.

I think most of us spend every day tending to the needs of others first, ourselves last….whether you are a young mother or someone older, as long as there is someone around for us to mind. So for a change, how about minding ourselves , body, soul and spirit, during winter?

Caring for the body is actually the easiest of the three. I can write a book about it but will limit myself to three examples here.

First if there is a bathtub, then a good warm soak is a very kind thing to do for the brow beaten body that has been on its toes 24/7. Creating a relaxing ambience is very important. A tealight, soft french music from the phone (make sure it is far away from water), a homemade lavender bath bomb and a handful of epsom salts can do wonders. I have learnt to shut the noises out of the mind and actually do nothing for minutes on end. And after that is done, nourishing the skin with lots of body lotion is a must. Not just any lotion (like the complimentary leftovers from some hotel) but the one that I chose and bought for myself. Fragrance is a very personal thing.

The winter bug is very prevalent and I believe in prevention. The importance of a nutritious diet rich in vitamins that boost the immune system coupled with regular exercise cannot be understated.

The winter damp also exacerbates the aches and pains that I had acquired from physical injuries at the gym or otherwise. I am not a fan of pills and painkillers so I root towards external herbal remedies, which take time to be effective but are less intrusive. My beloved calls such remedies, curry paste rubs and potions.

I would like to think of the soul as that part which consists of feelings and emotions. For me, feeding the soul with the things that I like to do, makes me happy.

 I find myself indoors most during the winter so it is a great time to paint, sew and to craft. It is the time to catch up with my reading and writing.

Like Marie Kondo, decluttering, organising and giving away to charity brings me much joy. Drawers are filled with neatly folded socks, kitchen cabinets are lined with attractive containers to house the utensils and even the eggs look very pretty when they sit in perspex egg boxes. 

Even my labrador knows he has to wipe his paws before he enters the house. When he hears the command, ‘Paw wipe’ he’ll lift his paw one by one for me to wipe his paws with a clean towel.

And then there is spiritual care.

Hibernating polar bears do not eat. So I find that as I use less energy during the winter, fasting off food is much easier. January is one of my fasting months, more so because it is the beginning of the year and I would like to get things in order for the year by seeking the Lord and trusting Him as I lay my plans and the plans/desires of my family and friends before Him. And He does not disappoint. Strongholds are broken miraculously and I know  the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. (Psalms 84:11)

So, the verdict is I love winter just the same. I may not feel the heat from the sun but the beloved is with me and that is what matters.

Ushering in THE CHINESE NEW YEAR OF THE PIGGY 2019

I’m terribly excited about Chinese New Year 2019 because this is the year where I celebrate my favourite four-legged creature. Pigs are smart and loyal. If only I could have one as a pet!

Incidentally, this is the best age yet as I'm finally eligible to join the prestigious turtle club. It is quite a milestone because only people who have lived through several decades are automatic members without having to pay subscription.

Was it that long ago when I was a member of the unicorn club and running the rat race?

The turtle club is something else. I would like to think that the mature members are calm and secure and completely at peace with themselves. In fact, I can even hear the primordial OM sound ringing in my ears.

But happily we still recognise each other as dementia hasn’t set in yet but for the odd instance where everyone has a senior moment as in, ‘Where did I leave my car keys?

Now is the time to dye my hair purple, and not just to wear purple like Jenny Joseph suggests. I’ve done my fair bit of travelling to touristy spots so onwards to darkest Peru or to the heart of Africa. All at once, I dream that I’m running with the gazelle only to realise that I might end up as fresh kill for some predator as I’ll be moving at a much slower speed than I imagine. The spirit is willing but the body is weak. I have to mind myself now, making sure I don’t trip over that Lego block that some child had left on the floor.

I will finally have that birthday cake with so many candles. It is good that I do not have dentures because the last time my friend blew out that many candles, her false teeth flew as well.

I am still delusional though. I can look into the mirror and try out the dresses that have been in the wardrobe for the last ten years and like Tanya in Mammamia, with great confidence I’ll flick my hair and say, ‘Baby, you do good.’ Be gone, Botox, I won't ever need you.

I love this delicious sense of calm, confidence and clarity of purpose. There is certainly more disposable income to enjoy the fun things in life. There are more good stories in my jar of memories - a jar that has a screw tight lid so none will fly away.

It is all about choice. I don’t have to suddenly become defiant because I have never lived for the appraisal of others anyway nor have I been pigeonholed in convention. I can choose to sit in front of the TV all day and lament about my aches and pains (I worship the magnesium spray) or I can choose to be among friends and do the things that make me happy. I am not going to re-brand myself, instead I am a new version altogether.

Do I envy youth? No, been there, done that.

Do I succumb to the allure of  cosmetic surgery to give me a boost? No, I can hold myself against picture perfect, air-brushed images of what women should be.

It is all about having gone through so many challenges with a new sense of achievement and self worth. Those difficult circumstances did not forge the end of my world.

I will not retreat into shapeless clothes, tweed skirts or brown cardigans. The creative soul in me is outraged by the misconception that you need to dress down or wear your hair in a certain way. 

Neither will I let reading glasses with chain attached dangle over my neck. Nor will I go round dishing out unsolicited advice on parenting in particular. My only concession to my great age is sensible walking shoes.

Is there still a greasy pole to climb? 

Being at home surrounded by my hobby crafts is entirely blissful. The creaking hasn’t started yet and I take pride in saying that ‘I am a free woman’.

I enjoyed my days with my students at the university very much but  ever since I clocked out of the office for the last time, going back to work had never appealed to my new found freedom. 

                                   HAPPY DAYS WITH MY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY

                                                                       (1983 - 2010)

I saw David Attenborough’s 90^th birthday celebrations on telly and he is still in his element and as bright as a button. There is no stopping for him and already he is planning some new wildlife episodes. 

When I am 90, I want to be like him. Charming and clever still.

Now that you are a turtle, what will you evolve to in the next decade? The beloved asked.

Well, I could very well be the phoenix, rising up from the ashes with power and grandeur..... 

Just watch and see, I said.

FIRST DAY BLUES

                                                                                                            

Now that the long school vacation is over, children and teens are heading back to school. It seems like eons ago when my mother held my hand and walked me to Charleston Kindergarten, my very first foray into formal education.

And indeed it was very formal. I was six but I had a lovely blue and white uniform and white socks and white BATA canvas shoes. I learnt very quickly how to wash the shoes once a week and put a layer of chalk over them. So, the shoes were very white and clean on Mondays and quite sad looking by the end of the week.

The more well-to-do kids had several pairs of shoes and their shoes were always very presentable whatever day of the week.

My first reading book was the Man and his Pen. I enjoyed Macmillan’s children’s readers and Mother Goose rhymes and art class. I also liked a smart looking boy who sat three rows in front of me. I found out later that he was the son of the manager of Odeon cinema.

But I was terrified of being called to the front of the class to tell the time by moving the hands of a cardboard clock. I know it is daft because I knew how to tell the time. Maybe it was the fear of making a mistake with so many eyes staring at my back.

I looked forward to recess time where I could play hop scotch, tag or hide and seek and police and thieves. Simple games that involved lots of movement and left us sweaty. I can’t always trust my memory but I don’t remember using a tumbler or a lunch box. Instead my mother had packed for me Milo in a bottle with a screwtop cap . My mum had also made for me a quilted carrier to keep the Milo warm. I also had a packed lunch - rice or sweet buns, never sandwiches.

I loved studying and still do.

It’s strange to see generation after generation of tiny feet entering the hallowed halls in the quest for knowledge. It all seems very different now - heavy school bags, different curricula, different activities.

One thing remains the same: there are those who blend in happily with their new friends and surroundings and there are those who find it traumatic. And it is not always the child.

My friend Alex who works from home is one of them. Surprised to see Alex at the swimming pool the other day, I asked him whether he had taken some time out. He said he had just dropped his youngest at the school gate and with his hand on his chest, he looked downcast. It wasn’t separation anxiety. I think Alex felt the anxiety of letting-go. His baby was taking one step away from him.

He said, ‘I was really looking forward - buying the books, getting everything in order. I even assured Aoife that school would be over before she knew it and she would come home again. 

You know what? 

The moment she reached the school yard, she just waved goodbye to me, walked straight into her class and didn’t look back!’

It was another stage of fatherhood. Aoife had finally joined the ranks of full-time schoolkids. Alex didn’t feel like he had been released from prison to enjoy more me-time, well, not yet anyway. Maybe he felt that his services were no longer needed. Maybe he felt a tinge of betrayal.

Like everything else, adaptation to change takes time. However prepared we are, we can never really anticipate how we feel when the moment arrives.

In situations like this, I dislike others giving me standard responses like ‘Oh, you’ll be grand. It’s just a phase. You’ll get used to it.’ So I refrained from giving him unsolicited advice and trite comments.

Instead I just listened. What he needed was someone to talk to and probably time to adjust to change.

And he knew he had my support.

A YEAR OF THANKSGIVING

I was organising my ribbon stash - those left over bits and pieces after we have opened the Christmas presents- that I do not have the heart to throw away because they are too pretty and perhaps one day I might have use for them, when I decided to look for the cellotape to stick the loose ends together.

That is when I saw that the end of the cellotape was neatly folded over so that the next person using it would have no problem finding the end of the tape. Believe me, finding the end of the cellotape could be tricky business if you have short nails. The whole procedure could end up in frustration especially when the tape decides to split into two lengthwise.

Now, I knew I didn’t fold the end of the tape and my daughter Sonya was the last one who used it, so probably she did it. That certainly spelt focus, forward thinking and most of all consideration for the next user.  

Thinking of the whole 365 days, I can only sum it up with one word: THANKSGIVING.

In Malaysia, we have Thanksgiving night on 31 December, and I sorely miss this.

We would go to church around 9pm and after praise and worship, we would testify of what the Lord had done for us for the year. It was altogether very spontaneous and after the initial hesitation, more and more would go up to the pulpit and grab the microphone because our hearts were bursting with joy and gratitude. When the children were young, we would even bring pillows, bolsters and comforters along. Then the countdown began and we would usher in the new year.

I am thankful for my family and for the privilege of being a wife and a mother. I am thankful for my beloved because he is constant and a great support. I am especially proud of my children and my friends ask me how I have raised them to be who they are today: focussed, independent, forward thinking and considerate.

People say there is no guidebook for parenting, but I choose to differ. I rely heavily on 3 great sources: the Bible, the good practices of my parents/culture and the knowledge that I am the parent.

The Bible is the basis of love, forgiveness and discipline. It is the moral yardstick of bringing up a child to worship God and to live a life set apart from the acceptable but unhealthy practices of the world. The child knows how much he is loved even in his mother’s womb. (Psalms 139). I wouldn’t have a clue about parenting if God hadn’t given me the full proof guidelines.

I am thankful for the fact that I am born Asian. The values of respect and honour for others, especially our parents and those who are older than us, are ingrained in us from a very young age. My son Samuel would buy back supper (chilly clams - my favourite) for me when he returned home late at night or drive me to IKEA just to browse.

When I was in Dublin having lunch with my daughter Audrey, she made sure I started my meal first before she ate her first bite. (媽媽，請吃飯). Another mother who was sitting at the next table overheard what she said and jokingly chastised her daughter for not doing likewise.

I am thankful that I am not afraid to be the parent - to call a spade a spade or to address the elephant in the room. I am not afraid to set boundaries and to discipline or to let go and let the child reap the consequences of his mistakes and I will not be too quick to rescue him. Believe me, the parent feels more pain when the child suffers for his follies. I have the privilege and the authority to stand in the gap and intercede in prayer and fast so that they will grow in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man. (Job 1:5; Luke 2:52)

I am not afraid to teach even though it could be difficult when viewpoints differ.I asked my daughter the other day to videotape herself doing some winding down exercises because I wasn’t doing enough cooling off exercises after the gym and I needed to learn how. When I told her that the recording was splendid and very clear, she said, ‘I learn from the best teacher.’

 
 

I am thankful for the bountiful harvest. Everything that we planted and nurtured, blossomed and fruited. There was a great abundance of food. I pickled and froze the surplus (and that will last us till next summer) and we blessed others with our produce.

I am thankful for the many friends that I have. Friends who are caring and loyal and encouraging. Friends in different parts of the world who have touched my heart.

I am thankful for all the trips that He has given us this year - some for pleasure and some for necessity. I went home three times this year and He proved His faithfulness over and over again. Miracles happened and health was restored. Transgressions were forgiven and reconciliation occurred.

God has given us so much and He has been very faithful to us in every sense of the word. He has never failed me and in Him we have no lack. His blessings have been poured out on us, pressed down, shaken together and running over. (Luke 6:38)

Like Michael Caine in the Muppet Christmas Carol, I will sing on this last day of 2018…

‘Yes and every night will end, and every day will start

With a grateful prayer and a thankful heart…’