THE MIDWIFE TOAD AND THE CHECKOUT COUNTER

I am not exactly a toad hugger but the Majorcan midwife toad caught my fancy. It has adapted to the harsh, dry conditions of the Spanish Island. It is found only in deep canyons in the northern mountains. It has evolved to have a flatter body, which enables the toad to squeeze into narrow crevices in the rocks of its habitat. The only moisture available is in small, rain-filled puddles on ledges.

Paul Kammerer's (1905-1910) experiments on the midwife toad were done to find out whether adaptive characteristics of a generation of toads would be passed down to the next, genetically. The results of his experiments contributed to debates among scientists about inheritance in organisms.

Adaptation is the word that I am most curious about.

When I first came to Ireland, having lived in a robust city of 1.8 million (2017 census) for the most part of my life, to a town of 1484 residents (2016 census) the difference couldn't have been greater in every sense of the word. Speed, efficiency, urgency, immediacy, counters open for long hours, traffic jams - the composite factors of city life. Giving out numbers (and waiting in queue for your number to be displayed on the digital board) is part of the service many companies employ. Most places do not close for lunch breaks because staff have staggered lunch breaks.

So, in the town of 1484 residents, I find myself immersed in 2 regular scenes.

Scene 1: The supermarket/grocery shop

Imagine having to wait for minutes on end to hear the cashier chatting with a customer who had already paid for her shopping. They would chat as if there is no one in the queue and there you are waiting and waiting when all you want to do is to pay for your loaf of bread and to go back to what you have been  doing. Even in bigger supermarkets, the cashier would greet you, then wait patiently for you to pack all your goods into your shopping bags, utter a quick enjoy your day before she starts checking out the goods from the next customer after you.

Scene 2: The Post Office/ the bank

Imagine public offices/ amenities closing their doors during lunch and someone having rushed all the way there only to find that he had just missed that crucial minute before the doors closed. An interesting activity would be this group of senior citizens chatting and exchanging pleasantries ( on pension day especially) outside the post office, way too early before the post office doors opened.

Then the years rolled on.

I was at a supermarket recently. Having done my weekly shopping, I made my way to the counter. After the cashier had charged me for the last item in my trolley, and all my groceries were on the 'loading bay' ready for me to put them into bags, she did something that took me by surprise. She put a bar on the loading bay so that my groceries would all be on one side of the bay. Then she quickly entertained the next customer and her stuff started filling up the next section of the loading bay, manually separated by the bar. Speed and efficiency. But I felt separated. I felt the pressure to quickly pack my bags and go.

Something similar happened to the Post Office as well. It moved from the original location where it had stood for years. Now it is in a corner of a building, stark and new. Metal stands and ropes divide the queues between the counters.. No fuss. Speed and efficiency. But no laughter or tales.

What had just happened?

Change.

Good and Bad.

By pushing forward, sometimes we lose the personal touch.

Like the midwife toad, i had adapted and now I must adapt again.

, 

A CHANGE IN THE SEASONS

I must admit that I'm falling for Fall. In fact every year I will wax lyrical over falling leaves, warm hues, pumpkins and gourds. Autumn is about Harvest.

When the season changes, so too will many other things - my taste buds change as I gravitate towards warm honey. My Autumn-Winter wardrobe makes its appearance and even my preference for scents drifts from flowery Anais Anais Cacharel towards the richer Jo Malone's Orange Blossom. And I prefer to stay indoors, next to the glowing fireplace rather than go out. I'm also letting my garden rest.

Love it or hate it but Autumn will gradually pave the way for Winter.

Can we in any way change the seasons? No. 
Can we in any way change our perspective towards the different seasons? Yes.

That brings me to a conversation I had the other day with two friends about people. We shared our experiences about nice mannerly people who leave you refreshed and happy and enjoying each other's company. And the other category which is the direct opposite, and I won't even go there.

What makes people nice or not nice?

Is it education - and I don't just mean spending those years in school ? Is it upbringing - has discipline and respect and mindfulness flown out of the window as parents  put their children so high up on the pedestal, that they can do no wrong? Is it the lack of exposure that has resulted in a very insular society, so entrenched in its own ways and culture, resulting in stereotypical concepts about race or gender?

'We are put here in this place to change them.' my friend said.

I beg to differ I said. We can't change seasons and neither can we change another person.  But we can live true  to the good values that we have been brought up with, and hopefully that will leave some impact on others around us.

I was at a Women's Conference in Dublin recently and I came away with a nugget. 'Live unbothered '

This means that we should not let what is upsetting attach itself to us for too long.

We can choose how we respond to those who are nosy, who don't keep promises, who say things they don't mean, who gossip, who back bite, who envy, who don't like us, who are shallow, who are uncouth .....and the list goes on.

To do this, we need to recognise the unpleasant event or behaviour and tell ourselves that  we will not let it spoil our mood or our day. Once we choose this response, we can then let the bad behaviour go and we have freed ourselves to live life to the fullest.

Everyone is on a journey.

Some take a longer time to arrive at being a better person or friend. And if we live to see that happen, we are genuinely happy for them.

Some may never change at all. And hard as it is, there is nothing we can do about it.

We cannot change that unpleasant behaviour. But we can choose not to let that unpleasant behaviour affect our own mood and feelings.

So it's time to make that warm honey and thank God for the lovely family and friends that surround me. And that is the greatest harvest.

I'M GROWING NEW BRAIN CELLS

Every time I meet a new person, the inevitable question comes out....'Now, where do you work?'

The answer in my head is, 'I'm growing new brain cells in the lab of my brain and I'm making great progress.'

I do believe that every time I learn something new, react positively to something negative or step out of my comfort zone, I'm growing neurons. Two big words for today are neurogenesis - the creation of new neurons and  neuroplasticity - the ability of the brain and nervous system to remodel in response to new information based on experiences, behaviour, emotions or injury.

Just the other day, we visited the Hill of Uisneach. It was our second time there, the first time having missed the tour. So with knowledge readily shared by our most wonderful guide, Justin, who is an archaeologist, I felt so privileged to walk on the grounds that the great and the mighty have trodden. I came away with two books and also several links to research more into the wonders of Ireland's sacred past. I can never say enough about reading. My kindle, books and writings are always on my bedside table.

My love for learning propels me forward. It becomes a challenge for me to find a way when there seems to be no way. That's where ideas lead to creativity and voila! something beautiful comes out of it.

Take for instance the time I was running to several florists in search of a dry oasis ring to make a wreath, using the garden flowers that I have dried. Sure, they have it over at Amazon and all but to actually order one and get it delivered doesn't justify the monetary outlay. So when I saw a 12 inch aluminium pie plate that cost a fraction of the price of the aforesaid Amazon ring, my brain went into overdrive. I started to grow neurons and was mighty pleased with the result. The secret is of course to be pleased with everything you have tried and not to beat yourself black and blue over something that you have spent hours on.

A friend once shared with me the story of the measuring tape. If we always think whatever we do is never good enough, perhaps we have been using the wrong measuring tape. The solution is to ditch that measuring tape and get a new one!

I know it is scary to try new things. But if you don't try, you will never know. The thing is if it works, you are happy. If it doesn't, there is always the bin, and no one has to know.

At times, I yearn for food that I love but is not readily available over here in Ireland. Recently, I was imagining dorayaki (japanese round pancakes with red bean filling) flying around me like spaceships. So I know I had to make some and so I did. A GOOGLE search on methods of freezing them came to nought so I thought of a practical way to do so, based on my experience with freezing food, and hey presto, the last time I re-heated a frozen dorayaki on a cool autumnal evening, it tasted like heaven.

I think the worst thing you can do to yourself is to build walls around your brain.

In the lyrics of 'I am a rock' we hear the lines ................

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island

When we start to build walls around our brains, we self destruct. Walls need to come down. For every bad relationship, there are plenty of good ones. For every wrong decision made, there are better ones ahead. 

The brain is as old as you want it to be. Feed it and it grows. Build walls around it and you are stuck. 

So, I'm quite happy growing neurons in the lab of my brain.

MY NEW VOCATION?

Confucius said, 'Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.' I agree with him totally. All the years that I was lecturing in the university, I enjoyed my seminar rooms and lecture halls filled with students. So now that the rooms have faded into very pleasant memories, I'm en route to a new vocation.

Today is Friendship Day and I suspect every day is some special day as well. Isn't it lovely to be surrounded by friends near and far who care for you? I don't want to be just a friend, I want to be a true friend.

And I am learning and I am simply amazed when I get lovely comments like: 'You are an amazing friend and I am so lucky that I have gotten to know you. ' <3<3<3

So what makes a true friend?

1) “An acquaintance merely enjoys your company, a fair-weather companion flatters when all is well, a true friend has your best interests at heart and the pluck to tell you what you need to hear.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly,

I think we all have our collection of acquaintances and fair-weather companions. People who say 'howya?' and 'See you later'. That's just being friendly but that doesn't make a true friend. Nobody wants to stick out and annoy you and  tell you things you don't want to hear about yourself that are so plain to everyone else. It takes a true friend out of love to do that. Not only does she tell you how you are destroying yourself but she also encourages you to be your potential and to taste the honey dripping from the honeycomb.

2.“There are still some wonderful people left in this world! They are diamonds in the rough, but they're around! You'll find them when you fall down– they're the ones who pick you up, who don't judge, and you had to fall down to see them! When you get up again, remember who your true friends are!” 
― C. JoyBell C.

i would say I have found such wonderful people. Usually people who do not judge are people who have walked a similar road like yourself. It is such a comfort when people listen and not hear. It is less annoying when people stop preaching or throwing out bible verses at you even though you have read the bible twice over.

3. Don't wait for people to be friendly. Show them how. - Unknown

The thing is, if you are looking for a wonderful friend, you must be prepared to be one yourself. And it takes effort and time and sincerity. You will need to remember things that are special to her - her birthday for instance, and not depend on facebook to remind you. You will need to have those coffee moments, when it's just the two of you having a cuppa and not staring at the television in the room or wondering who is that motley crowd that has walked in and do you know them?

4. A good friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even when she knows you are slightly cracked.

i think this is hilarious but it is true. No one's perfect and we all have our idiosyncrasies. We have good days and bad days. Days of raging hormones and days of no hormones, if you get what I mean. But it is accepting the person in totality and not to be too overly sensitive over some perceived indifference. 

5. True friendship is not about being separable. It is being separated and nothing changes.

Very true. We make new good friends but we must not neglect those that we have left behind. Inevitably space and time may pose as challenges but i can safely say I have true friends in Ireland and other parts of the world.

6. Be loyal in confidence and character (Peggy Turner Beatty)

What is told to you in confidence remains in confidence. 

7. Show up! (Sherri Levy)

Be there in person when possible, in sympathy and in joy.  True friends are rare. Treasure them and put effort into sustaining the friendship .

Busyness is a choice. Priorities are choices.

8. AND THIS IS TO ALL MY TRUE FRIENDS OUT THERE.....

LETTING IT GO

I was reading Roald Dahl's Danny The Champion of the World again because I can never be bored by Roald Dahl's books and believe it or not each time I read it, I see something that I never saw before.

There's this episode where Danny and his father are letting off a 'fire balloon' on a lovely still evening.

Between us, we held the sides of the balloon out as much as possible to keep them away from the flame in the early stages...
'She's nearly ready!' my father said, 'Can you feel her floating?
' Yes,!' I said, 'Yes! Shall we let go?'
 'Not yet!...Wait a bit longer!...Wait until she's nagging to fly away!' 
'She's tugging now!' I said.
 'Right!' he cried. 'Let her go!'

There is this youtube video that is making its rounds about letting go of events or people that hurt us. The message is that we have no control over how others act or why they act that way. So to heal ourselves we should not repaint another's true colours nor waste our energy on those that weigh us down. It is not defeat when we have come to the end of trying and the person's attitude towards us doesn't change. It is not defeat when you have tried to be accepted but others continue to choose to exclude you. The problem is not us because we have tried. Most of all even if we do not find closure, we should not let anyone or anything that is not serving or growing us remain in our minds and hearts for free.

Eckhart Toile in A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose says, 'Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.'

For me, the secret of being free is not only to let go but to forgive.

Every morning when I wake up to pray and read the Bible, I will purpose in my heart to let go of events or people who weigh me down. Then I will say, 'I forgive.....(by name).' Unconditionally.

Very strangely, more often than not, I will meet or hear about the person that I said I will let go and forgive.

The first instinct is to walk the other way and take a different path to avoid the person altogether. But with forgiveness comes action. I will calmly approach the person and instead of feeling the sting of  past memories, I am awash with a fresh sense of calm and peace.

The funny thing is if we hold on to the pain or the memory, the person who is hurt most is we ourselves. Sometimes the same person will hurt me again. Then I will repeat the whole process again and again so that I can be set free and I can move on.

Just like the fire balloon that flies up into the sky.

Slowly, majestically, and in absolute silence, our wonderful balloon began to rise up  into the night sky. 

'It flies! ' I shouted, clapping my hands and jumping about. 'It flies! It flies!' 

My father was nearly as excited as I was.

'It's a beauty ' he said. 'This one's a real beauty. You never know how they're going to turn out until you fly them....'

The Vet and the Terrarium

Pat the Vet comes over annually to give Hachi his booster jab. So he came over last month and after a general inspection gave Hachi the thumbs up and general instructions what to do and what not to do. It was when he was about to leave the house that he saw the terrarium by the door and was gobsmacked.

'Now this is a most amazing creation,' he said.

I went into lecture mode and gave him an oral detailed description of the procedure but being a very serious learner, he said, 'could we go back to the table and I'll write down the instructions?'

Hmm, a reversal of roles, I smiled.

I've always enjoyed looking at terrariums. A terrarium is a collection of small plants growing in a transparent, sealed container. A terrarium is a closed environment, and can actually be used to illustrate how an ecosystem works.

The terrarium water cycle works in miniature the same way the water cycle works on a large scale for our planet. The plants take up the water through their roots and release it through their leaves. (transpiration) The water molecules will condense on the glass (condensation) and run down the sides of the terrarium.

But so far I've seen only those with 'windows' which means that the glass container is not completely sealed. So I took to Youtube to learn how to grow plants in a bottle that is completely sealed. Sounds impossible, but it is actually possible.

What strikes me is the concept of balance and care.

1) We are what we eat. 

I always believe that having good health is not impossible. Staying off medication is not impossible. But everything requires discipline and work. It is so much easier to to scoff down bars of chocolates then to stop at one.

I had my annual medical and the best news is a clean bill of health. No high blood pressure, no high sugar level, no problems with kidneys, liver, lungs, heart, cholesterol, weight etc. The conclusion: no medication. The doctor was pleased and so was I. Whatever I have been doing for years must be working. And I hope to stay healthy for a long long time.

2) We are what we think we are.

Our thoughts influence the way we behave, the decisions we make and the feelings we experience. Why are most people so negative?  Why are there so many moaners and whiners and complainants? You just have to turn on the radio and people are always giving out about something or other. It is a society that is never satisfied and thinks that the fault lies in someone else, never themselves.

There are people who are always 'offering information' about how well others are doing or how badly they have fallen. This constant comparison with others: Is it insecurity?  If that is what you call small talk, I'm totally not into it.

Why?

Because I believe in making a life, living out the 18 waking hours daily and blessing myself and others. I don't like tittle tattle, I like friendship. I don't like passing on information for the sake of 'what's the story?', I like caring and being personal. I don't like people trying to 'fish information' from me. If you want to know, ask the person directly. Why ask me?  That's what I told one lady when she asked me about someone else. She was so shocked at my retort that she said, 'Oh...I don't want to land in hot water.' And so, she expects me to land in hot water? Even if I know, it is not in my place to tell her. That is not concern, that is gossip.

Most of all, what irks me is sarcasm. That has practically no added value whatsoever. Some may think it funny or cultural but to me it is a waste of time and I think it is rude when someone rolls up his eyes and says 'Thank You very much.' I have seen a teenager say that to the mother, and the mother did nothing. If she were my child.......

I think it is ridiculous when someone says, 'Your FRIEND Oscar has made his millions.....' when obviously Oscar is just an acquaintance, never a friend. Worse still, if I had fallen out with Oscar sometime in the past. I am plainly not interested in what Oscar has done. If I am, I will ask.

Then on the other extreme we have those who won't stop talking about what they have achieved.

I was watching a child who was cycling without the trainer wheels and she shouted to her father, 'Look at me, look at me...' . It sounded so sweet because it was a child who had achieved something and wanted to be recognised. But when it is an adult who is always concerned about me, my and I - it is no longer sweet.

3. We become the person that we mix with.

Friends are important as they mould our character. But I can surely say that if we continually mix with eagles, we will soar. Conversely, if we mix with turkeys, we'll just be content to peck off the ground. Iron sharpens iron. It is inevitable to be surrounded by all sorts of people. But it is our personal responsibility to be the person that others can emulate and to learn from those who have remarkable traits.

4. We need to share what we have

The foundation for the terrarium is also very important. There is a layer of stones for drainage because too much water will be a disaster. We too need to share what we have instead of grabbing all the time. It could be grabbing another person's things, time or attention.

There is no tributary that flows out of the Dead Sea. No creature can survive in it as massive levels of salt prevent the existence of all life forms.

If we want to be surrounded by good friends, we need to be a good friend first. And what does it take to be a good friend? Investment: a continual concern,  regular texts enquiring about the well being of another, time spent just for the person, prayers and thoughts for the person, words of encouragement, being fun to be with, sharing of knowledge, sharing of personal matters.....and the list goes on. Do not ask a person out for tea if your eyes are constantly looking at who is entering the cafe and wondering if you know them or hoping that you'll be seen.

5. We need a filtration system

There is a layer of charcoal in the terrarium which acts as a filter to absorb smells and impurities. There is also a layer of mesh to prevent the houseplant compost from falling onto the stones. How I wish more people would filter their minds, their hearts and their speech.

There is so much garbage over the media and if we are just passively sucking everything in, I feel sorry for the mind, soul and body. I am surrounded daily by people uttering four letter words, blasphemies and using Jesus's name in vain - from adults, teens and even children!. It is so common to use  expletives or crude utterances  that it doesn't shock anymore.

People send me all sorts of videos and expect me to watch them the moment they sent the videos. Like I said I have only 18 daily waking hours and I am selective of what I watch and when I watch. Most times, I delete the video after 2 seconds of viewing if it doesn't spark joy.

So the vet took down all the notes and he asked me: How much do you charge for sharing this vital information with me?

I laughed and wished him well in his new quest. When I see him next year, I'd be ready with all the questions about his terrarium.

PLEASURE IN BEING POLITE

When my children were babies, I used to read to them this book about a bear cub who has no manners. Mama bear decides to stamp four meaningful words on his paws so he will not forget them: Please, Excuse Me, Thank You and I’m Sorry.

Interestingly enough, I heard all four words being used on the same day itself.

PLEASE

I was doing grocery shopping and suddenly I heard an excited voice asking the sales person,

‘ Where can I find a packet of quinoa, please?’ he asked. The magic word ‘please’ shows respect and consideration. It is not only a social norm but it also reflects on your upbringing.

I couldn’t see him because his back was facing me. Then he repeated himself, this time speaking slowly and clearly, q-u-i-n-o-a.

It is not rocket science to know what the problem was. The sales person had no clue what quinoa was and to him it could be moon rock for all it mattered. The man was flustered and disappointed.

EXCUSE ME

Actually he was standing very close to the aisle where there were bags of Uncle Ben’s whole grain and quinoa.

I walked to the said aisle for the fun of it, correction, I couldn’t resist it. I took a bag of quinoa and headed towards his direction except to find that the disappointed man was gone. Since I never saw his face I had to depend on his voice. Then out of the blue the voice came, this time round he was searching for another ingredient for the great dish that he was going to cook.

I went up to him and said, ‘ Excuse me, were you looking for this?’

His face beamed as if he had won the lotto. ‘Look Mary (calling out to a lady further down the aisle) a good samaritan had found the quinoa’

Turning to me he asked, ‘Where did you find it?’

I said, ‘The rice aisle’

He said, ‘I was there but I didn’t see it’

I said, ‘You didn’t look hard enough’ and laughed.

I thought to myself, if the supermarket employed me as a salesperson, I would know exactly where everything is. I’ve met all sorts of salespeople: those who know everything and those who know very little.

I’M SORRY

Then I went to look for mussels and the fish monger said, ‘I’m sorry, I just sold the last bag.’ It is not uncommon to hear people apologising for almost anything. If I accidentally bump into someone, I may actually hear the other person saying they’re ‘sorry’ for standing in the way of my clumsy wandering. Other examples are  "Sorry can I just say?... oh sorry, you were saying, no sorry... sorry, sorry, don’t mind me….sorry, you go ahead...sorry".

The use of ‘sorry’ here has become more of a tag rather than a real heart felt apology which is a different thing altogether because the latter involves humility and overcoming pride.

THANK YOU

So after the grocery shopping, I went to buy a rolling pin.

Salesperson: This is a lovely rolling pin. Value for money now that the sale is on.

Me: Yeah, I broke mine last night

Salesperson: I hope you didn’t hit anyone with it.

Me: I wish!

Salesperson: Thanks a million! (This ‘thanks a million’ phrase is really iconic here. )

In fact, according to the Irish journal, Dublin Bus research reveals that 90% of passengers always say thank you to their driver.

Being polite makes the world an easier place to live in. Videos of neighbours fighting over small matters have gone viral and there are many ugly instances where manners have just gone out of the window. Manners when instilled from young go a long way. 

In this respect, mama bear is doing the right thing.