Learning from the birds

I USED to keep birds in cages but not anymore. Now I am learning to feed wild birds instead. There is a great array of wild bird feed to choose from, ranging from seeds to nuts to suet balls. On top of that there are all sorts of bird feeders. There are wood feeders, tube feeders and platform feeders. Apparently different birds will root for different feed and different feeders as well. So we bought three types of feeders and three types of feed and it was rather spectacular to watch a great array of birds flock to them: finches and tits included. However, the joy was short-lived when big ugly black birds discovered the feeders and, by crowding over the feeders incessantly, they practically shoved and ousted the smaller birds who were there first. Imagine my ire watching such bullying take place. I concluded that this is basically the law of attraction. Free delicious bird seed will attract birds of whatever kind. Just like humans, it is not unusual to see the nice ones attracting loads of friends and the emphatic ones attracting loads of people who feel comfortable confiding in them. But unfortunately, sometimes the "wrong" people are attracted too, for example people who take advantage of others, people who are sycophants, people who need human crutches and people who wallow in self pity. This is where I believe wisdom comes in, where we do not let others misuse and abuse our niceness and hurt ourselves and our families in the wake. There is an often quoted proverb which states that you can please some of the people, some of the time, but you cannot please all of the people, all of the time. This probably originated about 2,500 years ago where the famous Greek slave Aesop illustrated this gem in his fable The Miller, the Son, and the Donkey. The story is about a miller and his son who were driving their donkey to the market. First they met some girls who thought they were fools because they were not riding the donkey. So the father lifted his son onto the donkey and walked along by his side. Next they met an old man who accused the son of not respecting his father and letting him walk. So red-faced with shame, the son got down and his father got onto the donkey's back. Then they met a group of young men who thought both the father and son should ride the donkey. So the father lifted his son up, and the two of them rode along. Finally they were stopped by a townsman who accused them of animal cruelty and the miller and his son got off the donkey, tied his legs together, slung him on a pole, and carried him on their shoulders.

When other passers-by saw this spectacle, they laughed so loudly that the donkey was frightened, broke free from the cords, fell off the pole into a river and drowned. The moral of this story is, "He who tries to please everybody pleases nobody and often is the most lonely person." Strange but true. It is an age-old maxim that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness and we will fail if we do not expand. It is said that it does not take long for a one string banjo to irritate any listener. You will reach higher by adding a few strings to your instrument. If I am a great talker, I talk too much. Therefore, I should listen more. If I am great at encouraging, people would walk all over me. Therefore, I should confront more. What I consciously discipline myself is to have a mind to do the right thing. That is about the most difficult task. To do the right thing is certainly to annoy some and please some. To do the right thing may bring about bad blood.

To do the right thing maybe to say "No", to end an unhealthy friendship, to let the person go and learn to fish, to tell the person that he should seek help and you are not the right person to do it and to do the right thing is listen to the heartbeat and anxiety of the person closest to you and act on it. But above all it is worth it because to do the right thing is to have the ability to draw boundaries, to stand up for principles and people who are most important in your life, to risk having people and the whole town think "badly" of you, to be stripped of all self pride by acknowledging that you may not be the answer to another's woes and, most of all, to be able to let others go and find strength in themselves. So back to the birds that are a nuisance. I think I will go take up shooting lessons and learn to load, point and aim.

Read more: Learning from the birds - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/learning-from-the-birds-1.147118?localLinksEnabled=false#ixzz27HAdz6Pe

Breaking free is hard to do

DURING one of our evening walks, we decided to saunter into the nearby church graveyard. Some people might find it spooky, but I like reading epitaphs on headstones, more so if they belong to renowned writers or poets or people of dubious origins like pirates. As I was engrossed with some beautifully carved headstones, I lost track of time only to find that the caretaker had locked us in. The first thought was to climb over the wall, but seeing how high it was, I did not fancy having my legs broken. We could see a whole host of activities outside the gates, but we could not get out. Some passers-by came to sympathise with us, but they could do nothing.

This experience reminds me of prison walls. Although we may not be convicts, we seem to have prison walls surrounding us at one stage or another. There are many things that can imprison us: age, job, social economic standing, sickness, people and even the home. We look out of our walls and wish for greener grass. Passers-by, friends and family can sympathise with us, but they can do nothing. When we were children, we could not wait to grow up fast so that we could become independent and do the things we wanted. Then, when we were teens, we longed for the day when we could drive our own cars. Age was a limitation and we were held back from pursuing activities that we perceived as interesting and challenging. Some of us are working at jobs that we do not like, but we have no choice because there must be bread on the table. We plod along like zombies from the home to the office and back again. Some are old, sick and feeble and do not want to live, and yet are bestowed with long life. Some are in unhappy homes, but there seems to be no exit.

So, we whine about our lot as we struggle between what we want to be and what we are. We get trapped in bad habits like procrastinating, criticising others and being negative. Self-help gurus propagate three steps to help liberate us from the feeling of being locked in: acknowledge the problem; reframe the meaning of emotions and decide what you want to do about it. It is strange but true that most times, we cannot see or refuse to face the problem even though it may be as huge as an elephant in the room. It is no wonder that people who go to alcoholic anonymous meetings have to begin by saying, "I am an alcoholic". Acknowledging a problem does not mean that the problem will go away or that it will remain forever. But it does mean that I am aware that the problem exists and I am going to do something about it. Reframing the meaning of emotions would mean that we do not have to let emotions govern our actions all the time. In Ireland especially, many people get depressed because of the weather. If you meet someone on the street, more often than not, the topic of bad weather would crop up. Someone asked me whether the continuous drizzle prevents me from going out and doing what I want. My answer was if it rained, I had lots of chores or hobbies to do indoors. If the sun came out (which would be a rare thing) I had lots of chores or hobbies to do outdoors. Either way, I was not going to let the weather affect my emotions. Of course, I do get down sometimes when things are just not the way they should be. I acknowledge the misery, allow myself to wallow in it for a while and spring back to life with a vengeance and know that like any bad experience, this, too, will pass. I have learnt to quieten the turmoil of the mind by meditation, prayer or even journalling where I can pen all the dark, anxious, angry and turbulent thoughts in a private document. The step where one has to decide to do something about being locked in is I feel the most difficult one. Sometimes, a decision made will not only affect ourselves, but others as well. We may be in the process of deciding or not being able to decide because of our cultural norms, our responsibilities, our backgrounds or our beliefs. But the fear of making a life-changing decision is a prison, in itself. Sometimes, we may just wake up one day and have the courage to say to ourselves, "I've had enough of this problem. It ends today", and sometimes, life may present circumstances that make it easier for us to deal with the problem. As an illustration, one of my friends said: "the day I saw my husband in bed with another woman was the day I left him for good." So, back to the graveyard. Did we have to sleep with our ancestors that night? After some phone calls to trace the whereabouts of the caretaker, she finally arrived with a bunch of keys to set us free.

Source:- Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/breaking-free-is-hard-to-do-1.140736#ixzz25yMqag8b