Breaking free is hard to do

DURING one of our evening walks, we decided to saunter into the nearby church graveyard. Some people might find it spooky, but I like reading epitaphs on headstones, more so if they belong to renowned writers or poets or people of dubious origins like pirates. As I was engrossed with some beautifully carved headstones, I lost track of time only to find that the caretaker had locked us in. The first thought was to climb over the wall, but seeing how high it was, I did not fancy having my legs broken. We could see a whole host of activities outside the gates, but we could not get out. Some passers-by came to sympathise with us, but they could do nothing.

This experience reminds me of prison walls. Although we may not be convicts, we seem to have prison walls surrounding us at one stage or another. There are many things that can imprison us: age, job, social economic standing, sickness, people and even the home. We look out of our walls and wish for greener grass. Passers-by, friends and family can sympathise with us, but they can do nothing. When we were children, we could not wait to grow up fast so that we could become independent and do the things we wanted. Then, when we were teens, we longed for the day when we could drive our own cars. Age was a limitation and we were held back from pursuing activities that we perceived as interesting and challenging. Some of us are working at jobs that we do not like, but we have no choice because there must be bread on the table. We plod along like zombies from the home to the office and back again. Some are old, sick and feeble and do not want to live, and yet are bestowed with long life. Some are in unhappy homes, but there seems to be no exit.

So, we whine about our lot as we struggle between what we want to be and what we are. We get trapped in bad habits like procrastinating, criticising others and being negative. Self-help gurus propagate three steps to help liberate us from the feeling of being locked in: acknowledge the problem; reframe the meaning of emotions and decide what you want to do about it. It is strange but true that most times, we cannot see or refuse to face the problem even though it may be as huge as an elephant in the room. It is no wonder that people who go to alcoholic anonymous meetings have to begin by saying, "I am an alcoholic". Acknowledging a problem does not mean that the problem will go away or that it will remain forever. But it does mean that I am aware that the problem exists and I am going to do something about it. Reframing the meaning of emotions would mean that we do not have to let emotions govern our actions all the time. In Ireland especially, many people get depressed because of the weather. If you meet someone on the street, more often than not, the topic of bad weather would crop up. Someone asked me whether the continuous drizzle prevents me from going out and doing what I want. My answer was if it rained, I had lots of chores or hobbies to do indoors. If the sun came out (which would be a rare thing) I had lots of chores or hobbies to do outdoors. Either way, I was not going to let the weather affect my emotions. Of course, I do get down sometimes when things are just not the way they should be. I acknowledge the misery, allow myself to wallow in it for a while and spring back to life with a vengeance and know that like any bad experience, this, too, will pass. I have learnt to quieten the turmoil of the mind by meditation, prayer or even journalling where I can pen all the dark, anxious, angry and turbulent thoughts in a private document. The step where one has to decide to do something about being locked in is I feel the most difficult one. Sometimes, a decision made will not only affect ourselves, but others as well. We may be in the process of deciding or not being able to decide because of our cultural norms, our responsibilities, our backgrounds or our beliefs. But the fear of making a life-changing decision is a prison, in itself. Sometimes, we may just wake up one day and have the courage to say to ourselves, "I've had enough of this problem. It ends today", and sometimes, life may present circumstances that make it easier for us to deal with the problem. As an illustration, one of my friends said: "the day I saw my husband in bed with another woman was the day I left him for good." So, back to the graveyard. Did we have to sleep with our ancestors that night? After some phone calls to trace the whereabouts of the caretaker, she finally arrived with a bunch of keys to set us free.

Source:- Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/breaking-free-is-hard-to-do-1.140736#ixzz25yMqag8b