IS IT A MALE THING TO SKIP PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS?

THE last parent-teacher meeting that I went to recently was indeed my last parent-teacher meeting. Finally, my youngest will be leaving school soon and entering university. So, having to sit on both sides of the table so to speak (being a parent and also a lecturer before), what were my sentiments about this annual face-to-face discussion? As a parent, I have always been proud of my children, celebrating their strengths and helping them deal with their weaknesses. I know which child is book-smart, which child is street-smart and which child is both book- and street- smart. I have all three specimens.

Thus, even though I can predict what the teachers are going to say, I enjoy listening to what they have to say. Their comments would have a 99.9-per cent accuracy about what my children are capable of. To me, they are affirmations of the way the children have been brought up. So, when I received a text message from the school saying that it was that time of the year again, I was excited and asked Audrey, my youngest, to list down all the names of the subject teachers so I would know which ones I should meet. Michael, my better half, on the other hand asked: "Do I have to go?" He had been there last year and he suspected that the teachers' comments this year would be somewhat similar. I said: "It is entirely up to you." Then, I wondered whether it is a male thing or an Irish thing that mothers are the ones who normally go to parent-teacher meetings and the presence of the occasional father is a welcome sight. I get a very nice feeling when I hear teachers speak well of my child and of course, a queasy feeling in my tummy if a child disappoints. When I come home and relate to the child all the accolades that the teachers had mentioned, the child's self-esteem grows. If I tell the child the areas that he needs to improve, he knows that he has understanding and support from his parent. This is all very positive and full of good vibes, but why do mothers seem to show more interest in this field? Having said that, I see many of the male species at funerals, wakes and memorials. Often enough, Michael would receive a text that so-and-so has passed away. The text would come in the morning, noon or evening, or even when we are on holiday. People seem to make it a point to inform you that someone has passed away. So, if there is a lull for a while, I would cheekily ask him, "Has anyone died recently? It's so quiet around here".

Whether you are a friend or a relative or an acquaintance, you are "expected to show your face" at the wake, the funeral or the memorial. I understand that it is a show of respect or the "done thing" in a rural community in Ireland, but then again, I wonder if too much emphasis is given to tradition and social mores while the living struggle to communicate and show love to one another.

Frank McCourt captures the obsession with death beautifully in Angela's Ashes: "The master says it's a glorious thing to die for the Faith and Dad says it's a glorious thing to die for Ireland and I wonder if there's anyone in the world who would like us to live. My brothers are dead and my sister is dead and I wonder if they died for Ireland or the Faith." The day came and I saw scores of mothers lining up to see the teachers. As usual, some mothers took a long time talking to the teachers so the rest of us had to wait. While waiting, the mothers started talking to each other and for me, it was the first time that I had met them even though their children had come to my home. I was the only Asian mother in the room, so when I went up to a teacher, it was not rocket science to know who my child was. One teacher even commented that I looked exactly like my daughter. Every teacher had something excellent to say and told me how proud I am to have Audrey as my daughter. I said: "Yes, I am". (Again, I was told later that the "accepted humble response" would be to laugh and say something like "If only she were half as good at home.") By the time the meeting was over, it was cold and dark and I walked home with the husband who knew the wife well enough to understand that the response "it is up to yourself" concerning going to the meeting was actually "I would love you to go or else."

Source- New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/is-it-a-male-thing-to-skip-parent-teacher-meetings-1.208349#ixzz2JCCpHgai

Parents must know when to turn off the tap

My husband was out walking our Labrador the other day and saw a group of students by the road. One of the girls exclaimed. ‘Make way for the guide dog’. When he related the story to me, I had a good laugh because he was neither blind nor was our dog a guide dog. Irish guide dogs, usually Labradors, help people who are blind or vision impaired and families of children with autism enjoy greater mobility and independence. In short they give support and help ensure a better quality of life. That set me thinking about parental financial support – how much to give and when to stop. As parents, we are committed to provide all sorts of support including the financial basics of boarding and education until the young person has the age and determination to fully depend upon himself. This is usually very much influenced by how we have been brought up ourselves. In most Asian cultures we are brought up to be filial, that is, to care for our parents once we start working. We give a portion of our pay packets to our parents proudly and they receive it happily knowing that their children have grown up to be independent and responsible. We do that on a monthly basis or yearly basis, whichever is convenient. Likewise, I have ingrained that principle in my children so they know when they will not need to rely on parental financial aid. Once the eldest child has set the example, the others will follow quite easily. So when my son finished his tertiary exams, we had a family conference to work out when he will no longer withdraw from my bank account. Although the topic was a serious one, we had great fun modelling the slant of the discussion after the game show Deal or No Deal.

For doting and wealthy parents, the boundaries of supporting a child financially and being a crutch are blurred. In counselling, examples where the casualties of parental financial support have gone amiss abound. Excessive support when parents jump in to help out financially can lead to young people wrestling with issues like dependency, lack of confidence, low self-reliance, immaturity or irresponsibility from constant rescuing. When I was contemplating selling off my house, someone ‘advised’ me that I should leave it to my son to help him with a ‘head start’ because prices of houses were soaring in Kuala Lumpur and it would be almost impossible for him to get landed property, maintain an expensive lifestyle, get an imported car and get married. I was taken aback because I remembered I worked up the corporate ladder with no shortcuts and I believe that hard earned money builds character. My reply to her suggestion was the price of education was my gift to my children and that already was a head start. I see financial support as secondary parental support that must be withdrawn at a certain time. It is when the parent must resist the heart’s desire to keep on giving so that the young person is challenged to function independently. This would be very difficult for the parent and the young person in question if primary support had not been built in the first place. Primary support is the love, the listening, the encouraging, and the undivided attention given in order to maintain an enduring emotional attachment. In a larger life context, this shift of dependence and independence comes into reversal when the parent goes older and becomes more dependent on the child. The parent will become less self-reliant and may increasingly call on grown children for more secondary support. It is at this point that we see hopefully the commitment of the independent child towards us.

Source:http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/parents-must-know-when-to-turn-off-the-tap-1.200406