At peace by yourself but not lonely

Pascal Whelan lives alone in a mobile home on Omey Island, a tidal island off the coast of Connemara, County Galway. A former wrestler and stuntman, his family history on the island dates back 300 years. He has lived in Hong Kong, Australia, New Zealand and has even doubled for Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. Although Whelan enjoys the company of others, he enjoys his own company as well.

Like Whelan, I am happy with my own company although I love meeting new people, travelling, going for the movies with others – the whole works. But having said that,  I can also stay indoors for days and not leave the house because I find myself so many interesting things to do especially catching up on my hobbies and journalling which can run into hours until something necessary like replenishing the refrigerator bids me open the front door to walk to the grocery store.

There are many different groups or clubs that people can join here. For many, this is the focal point of their lives where they have someone to talk to. Sometimes they will just go on talking about the very personal and yet trivial things about themselves and expect everyone else to be interested. Maybe they do not have anyone to talk to for the whole week. Maybe they are very lonely people.

We sometimes confuse being alone and being lonely. You can be in a busy city and yet feel lonely. You can be in a room of people and yet feel lonely. Loneliness is defined as an emotional state where a person feels empty and isolated. There is this desire of wanting company. It is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and separated from others. While short term solitude is a joy, loneliness is a pain. Contrary to many beliefs, the young and not the elderly are not the most  lonely among us. Maybe it is because as we grow older, we learn to accept ourselves better and our status quo is that of calmness.

So to me, being alone is not being lonely. It is just being very comfortable in your own skin and very happy with your own company. Yet some people find it terribly uncomfortable to sit at a restaurant to dine alone, to go to the movies alone  or to travel alone– all of which I have no qualms doing, probably because of a spirit of self-sufficiency and independence that I  have honed from young.  Being comfortable alone is a healthy emotion.

Short term solitude has its advantages.

It is a decision by choice to set aside some hours or days or even weeks to be alone. The creative person craves time alone. In 1994, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi found that adolescents who cannot bear to be alone often fall short of enhancing creative talents.

But solitude is definitely not a time to be introspective in a negative way or to watch too much television. It is the freedom to do what we want and to be whatever we feel like, without someone else holding you down or holding you back.  We have come to a point where we do not have to do things for the sake of pleasing others or answer the question ‘what will others think?’

Put it this way, if my neighbour never liked me in the first place, he still would not have any good thoughts about me at all, whatever I do. So, if I dyed my hair the most glorious purple, he would still tell the whole town about it in a disapproving voice. It will not bother me because it is my hair and as long as I do not go out on a killing or stealing spree, I am quite content to make my own choices.

Solitude allows me to explore my own mind and self, to test my limitations and this leads to self awareness. It allows me to get back into the position of driving my own life, instead of having it run by schedules, demands and the expectations of societal mores.

Interestingly enough for Whelan too, driving his own life is exactly what he wants. 71 year old Whelan who has been diagnosed with cancer lives the Steve Jobs’ maxim of ‘treating every day as your last’ in order to enjoy the fullness of life. According to Whelan, ironically in summer (when the days are long) there aren’t enough hours in the day on the island. He is certainly neither  a hermit nor a recluse, but a man at peace with himself.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/at-peace-by-yourself-but-not-lonely-1.403002