Life is short, So live it as it is

I am not an engineer and I am not sure how bridges are built these days. When I saw the Firth of Forth bridges in Edinburgh recently, I thought they are simply amazing. One bridge is for vehicles and the other is for trains.

I remember seeing how a bridge was constructed in my hometown many years ago and there was great excitement because it would link Batu Pahat to Muar, its neighbouring town. My father used to take me there just to watch the progress and one thing that remained in my memory was that the engineers built the bridge from both sides of the river banks, and finally the bridge ‘met’ in the middle.

The same holds true for the Sydney Harbour bridge. Work began in 1925 at Dawes Point in the south and McMahon’s Point to the north, and the construction work moved steadily inwards until it finally met in the middle five years later.

This got me thinking about friendships and relationships.

Over the course of time we make or lose friends and relations because of many factors such as distance and change. Distance can be geographical where friends move apart or psychological where they grow at a different pace mentally and socially over time and find that they do not have much in common anymore. 

Change can come in the form of a change in ideology or beliefs which separate even the best of friends or relations. Change can happen in family structures through birth, death, remarriage or adoption.

While reconciliation is the best when there are rifts, like the building of bridges it takes both parties to work hard at it. It takes a saint to continue holding out the olive branch  when it is  one-way but it takes a wise person to know when you have tried your best and others are still very cold towards you, then it is time to let go.

I like the quote by Socrates that goes, ‘The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.’

There are people who hurt us through mean words, body language or actions consciously or unconsciously. These are the ‘old’ things that tear two people who love each other apart or create fodder for misunderstandings and disagreements.

But there are people who love us too, consciously or unconsciously. They encourage us with their words, their actions and their presence. They encourage us when they think about us or when they include us in their daily happenings. These are the ‘new’ things that build rather than destroy.

When the MH 370 went missing, good friends in Ireland, gave me all their support and never ceased to be concerned. They even followed the news closely and informed me of the latest developments just in case I missed out on any. They showed they cared by enquiring about it or sharing their heartfelt condolences with me. It was my country’s grief which was also my personal grief.

When we had a Malaysian cultural night in the University of Limerick last year, so many of my friends and relatives went. It certainly was not easy to go out in the cold for a night event,  totally alien to them and well out of the way for some. But they went and by that action, I could feel the love.

Then recently, I was really touched when my stepson’s fiancee told me she would show me some pictures of the wedding gowns that she has seen. I see that as a conscious act of sharing. I feel that as a conscious move of love and inclusion. I recognise that as a conscious step of respect which is so important to Asians especially.  She could have chosen not to do so, but she did. It is like my own daughter getting married and sharing her plans with her mother. To me, that speaks volumes.

My basis of ‘living life as it is’ has been my mantra. I cannot expect everyone to love me or to accept me, warts and all. I cannot solve their problems, their grievances, their envy or their hang-ups but I can concentrate on what is good and what I want my life with my husband and children to be. I can choose to absorb their negativity and  poison my soul or I can refuse to let that influence or overpower the inner joy and contentment that I have with myself, my husband and my family.

To me, life is very short and to live life is my gain.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/life-is-short-so-live-it-as-it-is-1.609107?cache=03d163d03edding-pred-1.1176%2F%3Fpfpentwa%3Fkey%3Dkuala+lumpur%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0

Seek Happiness within yourself and not with another

   I ENJOY reunions whether it is to celebrate a festival or a significant occasion. However, there are those statements or questions that will always crop up during such gatherings, and honestly, I cringe when I hear them.  A given is, "You have put on weight", or, "you have not put on weight". Sometimes you can receive both remarks at the  same dinner party.

Then there are questions like, "You have been married for some time now, when will we hear the patter of little feet?" But I guess the one that gets the Oscar is "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?"

When I was younger, I found the Oscar-winning question most repulsive because I felt it was not anyone's business to know whether I had a boyfriend or not.

To rub salt into the wound, someone would make remarks like, "You'd better not be too choosy or you'll be left on the shelf", or "you will not remain in the Red Spot (section for sought-after books at the library) for too long and will be moved to the open shelf if you don't get a special someone soon. Don't set your standards so high!"

What irked me was that these people who wished others to be married were not in happy marriages themselves. Then there was this stark reality that it was mainly the womenfolk who would ask such questions. Whatever happened to gender solidarity?

I thought that generation had passed, but I am wrong. These questions are still making their rounds! I wonder why people who were bothered by such questions once are now asking those questions themselves? Is it because of the images that surround us that limit our perception? 

Could it be the Prince Charming fairytale that we have been fed? That it is impossible to be happy unless we get a man or a woman? Or perhaps, these people are just awkward at making conversation and use such questions as fillers? I would rather they be silent than make ill-advised statements.

It is not surprising then that there are rent-a-boyfriend or boyfriend-for-hire websites. According to AsiaOneNews, some Singaporeans, instead of bracing themselves for interrogation during gatherings over their singlehood, are "renting" partners to pose as their intended. How sad.

I read a letter written by 7-year-old Charlotte Benjamin to the Lego company complaining of the lack of options for Lego girls. She wrote, "All the girls did was sit at home, go to the beach, and shop, and they had no jobs but the boys went on adventures, worked, saved people, and had jobs, even swam with sharks."

For as long as girls are sold this package, she is expected to go after the dream of getting a man.

I wish people will realise that it does not take another person to complete someone. We can be complete in ourselves if we want. Happiness and success lie in the individual. A single person can be successful and happy, and so, too, a married person. The reverse is also true that a single or married person can be unsuccessful and unhappy.

I tell my children all the time that we owe it to ourselves to pursue our own happiness and we do not need to rely on another to fulfil that role. I encourage them to tap into their inner resources while they can because satisfaction comes from deep within, not from what others can do for you. It is not a sin to be married and it is not a sin to be single. In whatever state we are, what is most important is to be content.

Amber Kelleher-Andrews, an American radio host and relationship matchmaker, says: "Stay single until someone actually complements your life in a way that it makes it better to not be single. If not, it is not worth it."

Source:  Seek happiness within yourself, not with another - Columnist - New Straits http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/seek-happiness-within-yourself-not-with-another-1.599846?cache=03%2F7.198169%3Fpage%3D0%3Fkey%3DMalaysia%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.266429%2F7.266429#ixzz3257lmzDq

The Gift of Motherhood

At Angkor Wat, Siemreap, Cambodia

The early images I had of dollhouses were those in story books. Usually dollhouses were placed in nurseries and children had loads of fun playing with their tea sets and dolls. To any child, seeing such pictures is like an unattainable dream, the sort that fairy tales are made of. Until the child becomes an adult and can indulge in the spoils of her labour.

I first met Sarita about 3 years ago and when I saw her dollhouses, I was bowled over. The best part was she built them, from the basement to the roof. Everything was so meticulously done and love was written all over her creations.

Then one day, on the way home from Dublin, Michael pulled over at  Mitchelstown and there was this lovely shop that sold beautiful dollhouses. So I had to realise the dream of my childhood and bought a dollhouse for myself.

 It is a beautiful greenish coloured double storey house with an attic. Like any house, it had to be furnished, so I ordered miniature furniture from the Dollhouse Emporium and Maple Street in London. I then wallpapered the rooms accordingly: sitting room, bedrooms, kitchen, study and music room. Sarita also kindly helped me to wire up the whole dollhouse.

As I made the quilt, mattress and pillows for the tiny beds, I could remember vividly the tiny dresses I made for my children’s dolls. Then I progressed to making clothes for my children – beautiful frocks embellished with smocking and embroidered roses for Sonya and Audrey and pyjamas and bow ties for Samuel. And now that the children have grown up, I wonder where all the time went and how they could have fitted into those tiny clothes once.

We wonder what we have imbued in our children. Have we given them life skills? Have we showed them love? Have we disciplined them? Have we given them not only the  knowledge of God but the experience of knowing God?

One of my friends whose son has just started college in another town said, ‘You never realise the seriousness of what you do with your children until a new season of a big change dawns.... which tells me of what and how I have invested into the life of my son..’

Take music for example.

Some studies indicate that foetuses can hear and react to sound by moving. Other studies say music  may enhance children's intelligence and spatial reasoning skills. So, I remember I took up piano lessons just so that my babies could listen to music regularly while still in the womb. Whether it is coincidental or not, all my three children have perfect pitch and love music.

Then I read somewhere that children can read at an early age. So I taught them all how to read at 18 months so by the time they were four, they were familiar faces at the public library – a place where they could just sit for hours to enjoy a good book.

Whatever we would like to instill in our children, be it a love for music or for reading, the key words are enjoyment, consistency and commitment. I remember the hours that I spent reading to the children and sitting with them in a variety of music classes. I remember the number of music teachers that came in and out of our house – the short-lived strict teachers, the ill-tempered teachers and the encouraging teachers.

We all want our children to make us proud. Teaching them manners, respect, ethics and a good attitude in life is what will set them apart. Disciplining them when they are wrong and teaching them the realities of life will help them know that the world does not owe them a living. Making them capable and confident will prevent them from relying on others for handouts. We do the child a huge favour when he is made to realise that he is not the centre of the universe and not everything is about him.

While Ireland celebrates Mother’s day in March, May 11 is Mother’s Day in Malaysia.

Audrey wrote on my timeline ‘Thank you for being such a great mum who brought me up to love the Lord and to reach for my goals. Thank you for all the love and care you’ve shown me throughout the years. Thank you for everything you’ve done. I love you, mum.’

And she gave me a dinosaur onesie. (one-piece jumpsuit) Now what child gives a mum with grown up children that? She must know her mum very well. So I wore it complete with a ridge on its back and a tail and when I worked in the garden, my dog went completely mad, wondering what his mistress has morphed into.

Back to the dollhouse. When the switch is on, voila, the whole house lights up with the little people in it and it looks so beautiful, just like a home with the people you love in it.

                                             I am thankful that God has made me a mother.

                                                               Happy Mother’s Day

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/the-gift-of-motherhood-1.586486