3 Words that Kill a Conversaton

When I was in teaching practice my mentor gave me one tip that I found very useful – Do not let any student get into the habit of saying ‘I don’t know’ every time you ask a question. Thus,  I would usually make a list of things that the students should do or not do, the first time I enter a class at the beginning of a semester. Among the items listed is ‘Avoid using “I don’t know” immediately when asked a question. Think first.’

Ingesting the tip, I found myself learning to avoid the words ‘I don’t know’ as a convenient way out of a conversation

When we genuinely do not know something, it is then most noble to say that we do not know. We should go and find out more about it and not just remain in the state of ignorance.

However, I find that saying ‘I don’t know’ may actually be a habit that we have picked up along the way. Perception plays a huge part in a conversation. Once these three words are used often enough, the person is perceived as ‘not interested’ or ‘too lazy to think’. So, if that is an automatic response, than we cannot blame others when they think that we are so dull that they have nothing to talk to us about. After all, what is the point of asking us anything if the answer that comes up often enough is ‘I don’t know’. These words are a conversation killer.

Habits start once we are accustomed to it . It usually takes someone else to  point them out.

A web search on why people fall into the habit of saying ‘I don’t know’ is because of apathy. It is easier to slide into the familiar rather than having to wreck our brains to search for answers or possibilities that we might know something remotely connected to what is being asked. Or we are just not interested in getting deeper into topics that are new or that we do not find engaging.

Perhaps we have learnt this habit in our childhood. When asked a question in the classroom it is easy to say ‘I don’t know Sir’ and hope that someone else will answer it. Perhaps we have learnt it in our adulthood where it is easier to blend in with the crowd by feigning ignorance then to be seen as Mr Smarty Pants who knows all the answers. Perhaps it has become a conversation filler, because we do not really know what to say in moments of silence, so we just use these words again and again.

As in every habit learned there are ways to unlearn it. WikiHow renders simple steps to overcome this conversation killer.

Firstly, it is important to admit to the fact that it is a bad habit to respond to another person with an automatic ‘I don’t know’. Once we see the problem as it is, then we note down how many times we use these three words in a day or in a week. When we write down the number of times we do it in a notebook, we become more aware of the habit. This conscious effort of observation informs the brain that this habit has gone on for too long and we are doing something about it.

The next step is to listen carefully before replying. To ‘train’ the brain to react differently, use other replacement phrases like ‘I’m not quite sure, but I’ll look into it..’ , ‘maybe’, ‘that’s possible’ or something that will make us think for a second.

Ask questions so that we can have a better idea of the subject matter and we can see how we can contribute to the discussion. We can also buy time to mull over the matter by saying ‘I’m not very sure but I’ll get back to you on this’. At least in that way, the conversation partner will know that we have actively listened instead of just blurting out the habitual response.

Finally, persistence triumphs in the end. As in any habit, it takes time to break one.

Source: The New Straits Times - http://www.nst.com.my/node/35588

Life's Scrapbook Through Storytelling

I picked up scrap booking as a hobby not too long ago when a good friend showed me how to put memories together on paper. If anything, I get to create pages that tell stories. Stories of celebrations and milestones achieved. Stories of my life intertwined with that of others.

Ireland is famed for the art of storytelling. The seancaithe and scéalaí, (the Tradition Bearers and Storytellers), passed the old stories down through the generations.

Ancient Celtic culture also had its own form of scrap booking. The history and laws of the people were not written down but memorized in long lyric poems which were recited by bards.

When Michael and I received complimentary tickets to The River, we were all thrilled to bits. Not only do we like plays but the fact that it was staged on board a 90 foot Dutch Barge in Custom House Quay located at the back of The Hunt Museum in Limerick gave it an added charm.

We were there on time. We were among strangers and friends as the performer entertained us with stories and memories of real people about the River Shannon as it flows through Limerick.

It was not any ordinary story teller but award winning playwright Helena Enright who wrote and performed this multi-sensory theatrical experience using verbatim first hand testimony. The River Shannon plays an integral part in the folklore and literature of Ireland and Helena collected stories about how much it featured  in the lives of the people in Limerick – stories of life, death and hope. Directed by Ciarda Tobin, this was performed in conjunction with the Limerick City of Culture 2014 celebrations.

I thought she was very brave to stage a play on a barge. With such a venue, there were safety regulations to be adhered to. Having to don life-jackets before entering the barge added to the excitement.

We do it all the time. When we hear a good story, we will tell someone about it. Or for us who cannot live without facebook, we click share and make a good story public fodder. Well and good if the story is about someone else, fiction or non-fiction, home or abroad.

This time round however one of the stories in The River is ours. (Michael and myself)

When the call for stories for the event was published, I put a small fraction of our lives on paper and submitted it. The next thing I knew it was selected and Helena came over to our house to interview me.

For me it was a total reversal of roles. In the process of interviewing other people for my articles. I was usually the one holding up the microphone to someone else and then transcribing the recording. So it was quite an experience hearing my own voice being recorded.

Having told our story and seeing it being performed was something else. There was this nagging anxiety: How would my friends and relatives react to the performance?

I need not have worried because in the hands of a professional, the stories were woven together seamlessly like an intricate piece of tapestry. Helena captured the essence of the stories by giving them a voice rich in nuances and complete with local flavour.

There were sights and sounds that accompanied the narration of stories as well.  When it came to the part where I wrote ‘ As I watched the ducks waddling on the river bank making webbed imprints in the mud, I knew that Michael had made imprints on my heart’…there were computer generated images of webbed prints projected on the ‘wall’ of the barge. I thought that was very well done.

To me it is a privilege and an honour. It is a reminder of how things do not happen randomly but that we are part of a bigger plan and second chances. Memories fill our personal scrap books and The River is our cherished keepsake.

** Watch The River online at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTvbGVMQVhI
The play starts at 1:25:12. Our story (1st half) is at 1:56:40 and the conclusion (2nd half) is at 2:21:25. Hope you'll enjoy it as much as we did. **

Source: The New Straits Times, 7 Sept 2014..........http://www.nst.com.my/node/30791