3 Words that Kill a Conversaton

When I was in teaching practice my mentor gave me one tip that I found very useful – Do not let any student get into the habit of saying ‘I don’t know’ every time you ask a question. Thus,  I would usually make a list of things that the students should do or not do, the first time I enter a class at the beginning of a semester. Among the items listed is ‘Avoid using “I don’t know” immediately when asked a question. Think first.’

Ingesting the tip, I found myself learning to avoid the words ‘I don’t know’ as a convenient way out of a conversation

When we genuinely do not know something, it is then most noble to say that we do not know. We should go and find out more about it and not just remain in the state of ignorance.

However, I find that saying ‘I don’t know’ may actually be a habit that we have picked up along the way. Perception plays a huge part in a conversation. Once these three words are used often enough, the person is perceived as ‘not interested’ or ‘too lazy to think’. So, if that is an automatic response, than we cannot blame others when they think that we are so dull that they have nothing to talk to us about. After all, what is the point of asking us anything if the answer that comes up often enough is ‘I don’t know’. These words are a conversation killer.

Habits start once we are accustomed to it . It usually takes someone else to  point them out.

A web search on why people fall into the habit of saying ‘I don’t know’ is because of apathy. It is easier to slide into the familiar rather than having to wreck our brains to search for answers or possibilities that we might know something remotely connected to what is being asked. Or we are just not interested in getting deeper into topics that are new or that we do not find engaging.

Perhaps we have learnt this habit in our childhood. When asked a question in the classroom it is easy to say ‘I don’t know Sir’ and hope that someone else will answer it. Perhaps we have learnt it in our adulthood where it is easier to blend in with the crowd by feigning ignorance then to be seen as Mr Smarty Pants who knows all the answers. Perhaps it has become a conversation filler, because we do not really know what to say in moments of silence, so we just use these words again and again.

As in every habit learned there are ways to unlearn it. WikiHow renders simple steps to overcome this conversation killer.

Firstly, it is important to admit to the fact that it is a bad habit to respond to another person with an automatic ‘I don’t know’. Once we see the problem as it is, then we note down how many times we use these three words in a day or in a week. When we write down the number of times we do it in a notebook, we become more aware of the habit. This conscious effort of observation informs the brain that this habit has gone on for too long and we are doing something about it.

The next step is to listen carefully before replying. To ‘train’ the brain to react differently, use other replacement phrases like ‘I’m not quite sure, but I’ll look into it..’ , ‘maybe’, ‘that’s possible’ or something that will make us think for a second.

Ask questions so that we can have a better idea of the subject matter and we can see how we can contribute to the discussion. We can also buy time to mull over the matter by saying ‘I’m not very sure but I’ll get back to you on this’. At least in that way, the conversation partner will know that we have actively listened instead of just blurting out the habitual response.

Finally, persistence triumphs in the end. As in any habit, it takes time to break one.

Source: The New Straits Times - http://www.nst.com.my/node/35588