THE ART OF ASKING MANNERLY QUESTIONS

Asking mannerly questions is becoming a lost art. There is a fine line between being concerned and being outright nosy and overbearing. I have met countless people who just don't know when to stop asking personal questions to my face.

I am very tempted to say that it has to do with culture or upbringing as I've experienced loads of it among Asians particularly.

There are safe topics like the weather and general well-being. Even when asking about families, we need to be careful how we phrase our questions especially among strangers or acquaintances.

We live in a world where relationship dynamics have changed. There are parents who are not necessarily married and siblings who have different mothers or fathers. Single-hood and being childless can be a life choice. Childlessness does not mean that the couple concerned is not trying to have children.  I cringe when people assume too much and ask awkward questions about relationships and such.

I remember once when I was a speaker at a conference. It was during my morning swim at the pool when a participant who was a perfect stranger asked me what my salary was! If it was his idea of making small talk, it surely lacked decorum and sensitivity.  He did not realise that he was also encroaching on my  me-time, as I was no longer on the stage.

On another occasion I was on coach tour with a group of Asians. I joined them in Dubai en route to another country. Out of friendliness or curiosity they asked me a barrage of questions that I myself would blush to ask. I find the questions inappropriate, intrusive or downright rude. So I told them directly that I did not wish to discuss certain topics. To me, they were perfect strangers, thrown together on a trip and I probably will not meet again in the near future. They were quite shocked but bothered me no more. However, I saw them bothering others. And if they could not get the answers they would ask other people who knew those who would not tell them.

There are also others who are terribly competitive. You know that from the way they ask their questions. They are actually checking out whether you have achieved more than them in their lives. Usually they measure such achievements by the amount of money you have, the car you drive, the job you hold and the academic qualifications you have earned. As if that is not enough, they want to know how your children are doing, not because they are concerned, but because they can't wait to tell you about their own high achieving kids. So far no one has compared their grandparents yet, for that I'm thankful.

You know when a person is asking questions out of a caring attitude. These are real friends who do not invade into your personal space. In fact, they don't have to ask at all. Friendship is such that when we have earned the trust of the person, she will share in our own time. There is no need to probe. It is not our business to pry.

I have made many good friends since living in Ireland. When you make time to be with them, they know you can be trusted with their innermost experiences and feelings.

Trust has be earned.  You can detect sincerity or nosiness immediately. There was an acquaintance who having engaged in a conversation with me, decided to ask something personal. She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind if I ask you…..’ Actually that phrase is just for formality because she was dying to know the details. When I said, ‘Oh yes, I do mind….’ there was shock written all over her face and she hastily retreated in embarrassment.

Many of us are brought up not to offend, especially when the person who is  asking is older or if she is a relative. So we answer her questions that seem to be never ending. And after the interrogation is over, we feel cheated of our privacy.

So what are the general guidelines to asking questions?  This is a list that I have compiled

1. Listen more, ask less.

2. Stay clear of topics related to age, wage, weight, religion or political associations.

3. Be concerned but do not interrogate. You are not writing a newspaper report.

4. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to know? Is it to connect? Is it to compare? Is it fodder for your thirst to gossip?

5. Be thoughtful. Give the person some peace and privacy. Don't make the other person uncomfortable.

6. No one is obliged to feed your curiosity.

7. Don't ask the questions that you do not want others to ask of you.

And suffice to say, this list is not exhaustive.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 11 December 2016

digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/nstnews/2016/20161211nstnews/index.html#/23/