STARTING LIFE ALL OVER AGAIN

I was trying to order some rail tickets online and there was some glitch in the payment section. This meant that I had to start all over again many times and the word frustration took a new meaning altogether. Every time I keyed in the details, I made more mistakes as the brain became more tired and fuddled.  After the sixth attempt, I decided to give the company a call and the problem was arrested.

Starting all over is a journey of strength and resilience.

Hall and Oates in the song ‘Starting all over again’ profess that this is an uphill climb to the finish line. In the movie, Phoenix, a disfigured World War II survivor had her face reconstructed so she could begin a new life.

I was in Warsaw recently and  I would never have suspected that more than 85% of the city’s historic centre was destroyed by Nazi troops during the Warsaw Uprising in August 1944. In fact the market square in Old Town is a complete reconstruction.

Its citizens got together and after the war, they started a five-year reconstruction campaign which resulted in the magnificent restoration of the Old town with all its iconic buildings. The citizens laid brick upon brick on a virtual sea of ruins.

I am sure that there was much opposition to the reconstruction. After all, wouldn’t it have been easier just to leave the city as a war memorial and move on to make another city the capital?

But the indomitable spirit of determination reigned strong.

It was the incredible hearts and souls that drove the whole nation, the pouring in of donations and workers from all over Poland and of course with much volunteer work. Apparently bricks from neighbouring cities like Wroclaw/Breslau were used for the rebuilding as well.

Constant knocking down eventually gets to us and affects our personalities and we are shattered literally. To reconstruct is to pick up the pieces and make something new and better. Like a jigsaw, all the pieces can come together to give a complete picture.

I have been having fun with mosaic glass, assembling small pieces of coloured glass, tiles, stones or other materials to create beautiful images. It is laborious work which involves the selection of the pieces and mounting them on a board or glass surface before finally fusing them together with grout which can be sticky and mucky. What begins as a humble sketch often ends in a spectacular display piece.  In the process of picking up the glass pieces or shards, accidents do happen.

Reconstruction of our lives is just like that.

The pieces may cut us but we select those that we need to rebuild our lives and move on.  Never mind the naysayers and gloomsayers– people who are negative about whatever we attempt to do.

Now is as good a time as any to reflect and see what we want to do with our lives. We have 12 months ahead of  us which can be filled with great endeavours. My 2016 planner is already getting filled up!

I often have people come up to me to ask whether I miss teaching. My answer is always the same. I am content where I am, a different phase, a different season. I may not be formally teaching in a university but I am teaching all the same – teaching myself and others around me and more importantly, learning, which is key to everything. Ronald E. Osborne says “ Unless you do something beyond what you’ve already mastered, you will never grow.”

Broken pieces can be fixed. Only if we want to.

This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 17 JAN 2016
http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/160117nstnews/index.html#/23/                                          

TEN RULES TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BY

The thing about resolutions is that they are all done in good faith. I cannot remember the resolutions I made when the year changed from 2014 to 2015 and therefore can safely say that I neither honoured nor broke any.

So with 2016 I think I’d rather list down 10 rules of day-to-day living that I will continue to abide by because they have served me well thus far.

Rule 1:

I DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHO DOESN’T LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY LOVING THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME.

This is a conscious act of the will and I find it very effective. The underlying principle is life is short and it is wonderful to be surrounded by people who care for you and to be able to love and care for others in return. I have so many new and not so new friends who are genuinely interested in being concerned about one another. The bottom line is I cannot please everyone and there’ll always be someone who will find fault, real or imagined, with me. So why let someone else’s myopic view of you spoil your day?

Rule 2:

IN EVERYTHING I DO, I GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT. NO HALF MEASURES.

I agree with this wholeheartedly - be it going to the office, delving into a hobby or doing voluntary work. I find that some people are ‘embarrassed’ with their own quality of work and think that it is not good enough. For me, if  I’ve pitched in my best effort, then it is certainly good enough for myself and others, if not excellent.

Rule 3:

COMMITMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, DELIVERY: ACTIONS, NOT WORDS.

It is easy to make empty promises and saying yes when we mean no. I have learnt that if I say yes, then it becomes my responsibility to deliver. I have also learnt that it is not easy to say no. When others expect you to say yes to a favour and the answer is no, more often than not, they become miffed. At the end of the day, it is more important to be honest with yourself and not take more than you can handle or are comfortable with.

Rule 4:

BEFORE I STEP OUT OF MY HOUSE (EVEN FOR A LOAF OF BREAD), I MUST LOOK PRESENTABLE.

I’ve always believed in the quality of the product and its packaging. A good product looks better if it is packaged beautifully.

Rule 5:

WHEN UNSURE, IT IS BETTER TO BE OVERDRESSED THAN UNDERDRESSED.

So far, I have not gone wrong on this point. It is always pleasant to the eye to look good and feel good.

Rule 6:

EAT EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. EXERCISE IF I CAN.

Like most Malaysians I enjoy good food. Tastes change with age and sweet things do not lure me as much as savoury stuff and I guess I eat most things that walk or swim. Occasional treats are most welcome but gluttony or indulgence is not. When the weather is good, I take my walks.

Rule 7:

GIVE OF MY TIME, TALENTS AND MONEY. THEY ARE NOT MINE TO BEGIN WITH.

I have to remind myself of this regularly lest I think I can bring them to the grave with me.

Rule 8:

LET GO OF THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.

Never enter marriage thinking you can change a person. There are many things or people that we cannot agree with but it is not my job to change them. The only changes I can make are within myself.

Rule 9:

BE GRATEFUL, NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED THE PEOPLE OR THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE AROUND US.

It is so very important to appreciate our family and friends because there is tendency to forget the people who are around us all the time. The words ‘I love you’ or ‘thank you’ must never be in short supply.

Rule 10:

LOVE WITH PASSION. LIVE WITH FOCUS. FORGIVE WITH DETERMINATION.

This is the rule that holds up all the others. I don’t believe in holding back love when I care for a person even if I have gone through bad experiences. I wake up being grateful that I have the opportunity to live another day in good health and surrounded by warmth. Most of all I’m determined to forgive others, because if I choose to hold on to grudges and hurts, I am the one who is most trapped.

                                 Wishing all readers a happy new year!

This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA, 3 JANUARY 2016
http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/160103nstnews/index.html#/23/

THE BEST GIFT IS THE GIFT OF HOPE

I was driving along O’Connell Street in Limerick one evening and traffic was grinding to an all time slow. Why, because there were cranes here and there hoisting burly men to elevated positions as they fixed strings of beautiful street lights to usher in Christmas. There was a certain excitement in the air and I was pretty sure no one was complaining because it was quite a sight to behold as the workers, all dressed in their safety gear, carefully lifted up the main attraction – the Star of Hope.

The star wondrously lit up the dark winter sky. During WW II, there were stars hanging in many windows, as families hoped for the safe return of their loved ones who were serving in the war.

Temperatures were dropping all around as I sat in the car with the heater turned up and the radio blasting Christmas carols of sleigh bells ringing and the spirit of giving hope.

Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen. It is not wishful thinking.

One of the activities that I get involved in is the annual shoebox appeal. Organised by Team Hope Ireland, this charity body works with children and their families and communities in war torn countries in Eastern Europe, former Soviet Union and Africa.

Last year, people in Limerick sent 8000 shoeboxes stuffed with toys, sweets and other gifts to the children in Lesotho, sowing a little hope into the lives of young ones who have nothing in the way of material goods.

So I wrapped a shoe box with pretty paper and went shopping for goodies for a little girl that I have never met. I felt like a child again and  thought a ‘princess’ theme might appeal. 

It was more difficult than I had thought.

Socks with Disney ‘Frozen’ princess images came in a range of sizes and I had completely forgotten what children feet sizes were! The sales girl came to the rescue and I bought stickers, stationery and a jigsaw puzzle – all with princesses on them.

Next came toiletries, and the range was gorgeous –  child size make-up kits, Olaf the snowman toothpaste and tooth brush that were screaming at me to buy. I succumbed and bought a bag of Haribo gummy bears as well.

I stuffed everything into the shoe box and then topped it up with a card with Irish sheep cartoons (that had real wool stuck to them) as well as a soft toy bunny that I made. I was very surprised that a shoe box could hold so much stuff.

Just like the child who picks up a starfish and throws back into the sea so that it can live, I know my shoebox will not change the world but it might mean the world to just one child.

I felt that I was certainly enriched by the whole experience.

It reminded me of the times when I was involved with groups that did voluntary work with the hill people in the Philippines and the indigenous people in Malaysia. Even though we supplied them with basic necessities like medicine and food, the welcome  that we received surpassed anything that we had imagined. Their hospitality put us all to shame and whatever little they had, they shared with us. It is strange but when we give a little of ourselves or what we have, we receive even much more.  

I was listening to Bob Dylan’s ‘Blowing in the Wind’, the lyrics laden with strands of war, peace and freedom. Dylan says that the answer to  chaos is in the wind. But ‘ just like a restless piece of paper it’s got to come down...But the only trouble is that no one picks up the answer when it comes down so not too many people get to see and know . . . and then it flies away.’

What is it that we hope for as the year draws to a close?      

It is my hope that we love our neighbours as our ourselves- to respect and regard their needs and desires as highly as we regard our own.                                                                  

                                 

                                      A blessed Christmas to all Christians!


This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA, 20 DECEMBER 2015
http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/151220nstnews/index.html#/23/

THAT LEAP OF FAITH WILL DO WONDERS

I have not been to the South Pole but I have been to the South Pole Inn twice. This is a cosy pub in Annascaul in the Dingle Peninsula in County Kerry and it lives to tell the story of how a local man, Tom Crean , took part in three Antartic expeditions in the first two decades of the twentieth century. There is an artistic display of his life achievements on the ceiling which is worth craning the neck for.

This is an example of taking the leap. It is to go for something at all costs.  It calls for dogged determination and resolve that not many will dare venture because of self imposed limitations.

Tony Evans, a writer who visited South Africa observes that the impala is a fast runner and is known for its leaping ability, reaching heights up to 3 metres but can still be contained in a zoo enclosure with a metre high wall. The impala does not jump because it cannot see where it will land. The impala remains trapped in its self-imposed limitations.

In contrast , Stoffel the honey badger will stop at nothing to escape his enclosure at Moholoholo Rehab Centre in South Africa. It is amazing how this escape artist can make use of almost anything to try to get out of its man made enclosure.

Times have changed and the worst thing is to be caught in the middle.

It is like being caught in the tectonic shift and there is nothing you can do about it. As an illustration, the earth’s crust, called the lithosphere, consists of 15 to 20 moving tectonic plates. The plates are like pieces of a cracked shell that rest on the hot, molten rock of Earth’s mantle and fit snugly against one another. The heat from radioactive processes within the planet’s interior causes the plates to move, sometimes toward and sometimes away from each other. We can’t really see this happening but it is happening.

I have lived in the non-computer era and now have just enough computer knowledge to get by but not as techno savvy as the little boy next door.

I salute senior citizens who sign up for computer and digital photography classes. It is simply amazing to hear that these people also skype their children or grandchildren  living in the other side of the world and make use of instagram and hashtags even. Having said that there are many who refuse to learn anything new and prefer to stick to what they are comfortable with.

                                                                                          

Even the job market scene has changed. Many people in my generation would have held on to one job for most of our lives. We call that loyalty to the firm or just being content with our lot. Now, we hear of head hunters who identify potential workers  even when they are still in the university. There are also enterprising students who seek out contacts and internship  experience way before they graduate. The procedure of writing out the resume and waiting for the interview seems rather outdated these days. It is not surprising too that job change is rather frequent especially with the promise of better pay or benefits.

Adjusting to change is never easy. Taking the leap to do something different is even harder. Is there something that we have always longed for but have never tried? Are we waiting for the opportunity or are we creating the opportunity?

It is strange but are we hardwired to be negative rather than positive? According to psychologists like Roy F. Baumister, Ellen Tratslavsky, Kathleen Vohs, and Catrin Finkenauer.,  negative experiences or the fear of them have a greater impact on people than positive ones.   A study by John Cacioppo and his colleagues showed that our attitudes are more heavily influenced by bad news than good news.

So, we can either be the impala or the honey badger. The greatest fear is to step out. But once we have done so and are happy with our choice, then we wonder why we never did it much earlier.

This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA, 6 DECEMBER 2015,      http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/151206nstnews/index.html#/23/

SAVING THE BEST FOR GUESTS

My mother had this set of dainty blue glass plates with fluted edges. They were very pretty to look at, and it was just that, to look at from afar as they sat in the glass cupboard, reserved for the guest.

And it is not only in my parents’ generation.

I find myself using an eclectic array of mismatched plates and cups while the Newbridge silver cutlery and Nicolas Mosse ceramic ware sit grandly in the cupboard, waiting for the occasion.

I can safely say that in almost every household, there are at least two sets of items - one for daily use and another set aside for the guest. It does not take much to guess that the bone china tableware or fine linen or even the box of chocolates with exquisite fillings is set aside for the guest.

I prefer to think that the reason behind this age-old practice lies in the importance of hospitality (we want to give our guests the best that we have ) rather than to impress.

But then again we have different types of guests.

There is the guest who can immediately recognise Orla Kiely’s stem design on a mug. She will say, ‘I love this design and coffee certainly tastes better from this mug’.  That statement alone makes it all the more worthwhile for the hostess to have bought and set aside the mug for her.

There is also the guest who does not differentiate between a Royal Doulton plate or one bought from the two euro shop, as long as what is being served on the plate tastes good. But that doesn’t deter the hostess from keeping aside special crockery for her guest either.

Over the years, we had invited many friends over for lunch, tea and dinner. During such times the Venetian lace table cloth made an appearance.  The table was adorned with a centre piece of flowers and candles, artfully arranged. Even the water in the jug had slices of floating lemon.

The reverse is true too.

When we get invited to our friends’ houses, there would be a fine display of tableware and food. One husband even commented, ‘You must come more often. Then only will she (the wife) make my favourite apple crumble.’

That got me thinking.

Do we treat our guests better than ourselves? When will we ever get to use those nice plates, towels and such?

Maybe now that we have toiled and laboured over so many dinner parties, we can sit down and treat ourselves as guests. Likewise, having purchased and wrapped so many beautiful presents, we can start buying ourselves items good enough to be gift wrapped and given away.

Just the other day I meandered down the crockery aisle in a shop around the corner. I saw a lovely porcelain mug with farm animals on it and it came in a box. So I took the box and the mug to the cashier.

She asked, ‘Is it a gift for someone else?’

I looked at her and said, ‘No, I am going to drink from the mug all by myself.’

Then there was another day when I fell in love with a Karen Millen dress. When I took it to the counter, the cashier trying to make small talk, asked.

‘Is this for a special occasion?’

I looked at her and said, ‘No occasion. I’m buying this because I’m living life.’

The expression of shock on the faces of both the cashiers told me that they hadn’t heard those lines before.

This article was originally published in the NEW STRAITS TIMES 22 NOVEMBER 2015 http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/151122nstnews/index.html#/23/

CREATING PATTERNS OF THOUGHT, SOLVING PROBLEMS

I was watching a starling murmuration over the River Shannon and believe me, it was a spectacular sight to behold. Thousands of starlings flocking in unison and creating patterns in the sky beats any air show that I have seen.

The uncanny coordination of these murmurations remains a mystery. You will need the wisdom of Solomon to understand how these birds, separated by hundreds of feet, synchronise their movements with such precision and dexterity.  

I can see parallels between a murmuration and the way we can choose to think.  A murmuration is a conscious act. It is a pattern by design.

We too can be in control of our thoughts and create our own design patterns through divergent thinking, and embracing learning possibilities and alternative perceptions.

Rudy A. Magnant in his book  ‘Discover Design Pattern Thinking: Applying New Design Techniques to Improve our Mental Operacy’  talks about divergent versus convergent thinking

Divergent thinking is the process of creating many unique solutions in order to solve a problem while convergent thinking is systematic and logical.  For example if a person moves to another town or country, and does not yet have friends, the tendency is to  keep to herself  and stay close to her old acquaintances. There is a typical passivity and a lack of cultural mingling and she prefers to stick to the same old, same old. But if she decides to make good friends against all odds, then she has taken the first step of divergent thinking.

Albert Einstein cleverly said that when a human being makes his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, that is a kind or political delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison that restricts the person to his personal desires and to feel affection for a few people dearest to him.  His task must be to free himself by widening his circle of compassion to enhance all living creatures and the whole of nature in its bounty.

Embracing learning possibilities is the ability to think and make sense of the world in which we live. This requires an active mind that should be constantly searching for knowledge. If we purpose to open the mind to endless possibilities, then only can we see our own shortcomings and be willing to change.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and Mark Twain said we should never argue with a fool, as onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. I have often found myself  the company of people (by necessity rather than by choice) who talk much about nothing.

Alternative perceptions help us become more proactive instead of reactive in responding to life’s challenges.

It is not unusual that two people listening to the same message may interpret it differently. This is because of our mental, psychological and cultural filters. We all have filters that stem from insecurity, fear, pride, desires or expectations. When a filter becomes negatively over-powering, it becomes a barrier and we then interpret what we hear according to what we think we hear.

I like solving puzzles and one of them is optical illusions. They tell us about our visual perception and its limitations. Optical illusions are often described as visual images that differ from reality – we perceive something differently than it actually exists, so that what we see does not correspond to physical reality. There is one classic picture of a beautiful lady or an evil looking old woman, depending on how we wish to perceive it.

When we interact with others, instead of reacting to perceived or actual unpleasantries, we can choose to be proactive instead. Whether the hurtful actions or words have any impact on us depends on how we respond to them.

For starlings, birds of prey will certainly find it difficult to break up a flock that is flying harmoniously together. Likewise, we can create our own design patterns for our thoughts and not allow predators to ruin our day.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES, MALAYSIA - 8 NOVEMBER 2015. - http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/151108nstnews/index.html#/23/

THE TRUE BURDEN OF HANDBAGS

I can abstain from most things but there is one thing that I cannot do without. The handbag. Not just one handbag, but I must unabashedly confess, a closet full of them.

The only way to get rid of some is to give them away but then after doing that, I crave for more to fill that gaping void and so the cycle of buying and giving away repeats itself. It used to be shoes but since corns, blisters and bunions appeared, I’ve resigned myself to sensible ones, which sad to say are certainly not the trendiest looking shoes.

Even as a child I love to toggle a little handbag across my arm when I went shopping with my mother. It was the perfect place to house the occasional treat or the handkerchief for the runny nose. (Yes, in those days we used embroidered handkerchiefs that were neatly ironed)

The fact that a handbag can be used to keep almost anything is also fodder for spoofs.

In the return of Mr Bean Episode Two, we see the infamous funny man at a restaurant. First, he writes his own birthday card, and orders a ‘Steak Ta-ta’. He finds he doesn’t quite enjoy the steak and so secretly disposes of it in the ashtray, the vase, the bun, the sugar bowl, the violinist’s trousers and yes, in another diner’s handbag!

Sometimes I wonder what people carry in their very big handbags. Maybe a big handbag is like Doraemon’s  front pocket that houses everything imaginable. Or it may be like Felix the Cat’s magic bag of wonders.

If clothes maketh the man, then handbags maketh the lady.

I would like to think that what we have in our bags reveal a lot about who we are. The usual stuff that we carry would be the purse, tissues, spectacles, pen, notebook and lipstick for a start.

The contents of bags we carry reflect the responsibilities we hold. A graduate school student’s oversized satchel contains her laptop and notes and a young mother on her day out with the baby probably has disposable diapers in her bag as well. When I was doing free lance reporting, I even had a pair of beautiful shoes in the bag as I hopped from bus to train in my trainers.

The mind associates the things that we see lacking in our surroundings with the things that we must provide for ourselves. For example, I can hardly find regular chilli sauce nor toothpicks at the café tables here.  So, before I leave the house, I find myself putting strange stuff into my bag - sachets of chilli sauce, toothpicks, dental floss and other unmentionable things. Sometimes the things that I put into my bag are not for myself  alone but for the others that I’m going out with, just in case that friend, that child or the beloved has forgotten to bring. An extra pack of tissues always comes in handy.

So what goes into the handbag often spells practicality and multi tasking.

Just the other day I was out at lunch when I found that I simply could not finish the copious amounts of food in front of me. Needless to say, my eyes were bigger than my belly when I saw the menu. In most places here, diners do not bring home leftovers. Whatever is left on the plate goes into the bin. That certainly would be a no-no for me so out came a container from the handbag.

The beloved said I had to do it discreetly but I said I have lived long enough to do necessary things covertly without a shade of shame.

Apparently the average handbag weighs  1 – 2 kg even though some may weigh a bit more. The trend now is to have a little bag for essential stuff so that the little bag can be taken out and transferred into any other bag. Small is the new big according to fashion gurus. Sometimes it is not just one small bag but a few smaller bags in a big bag as women opt for the modular approach.

To turn all philosophical, what we put into our handbag can be an object lesson in itself. When we actually give the contents of our bag a good look, we can repack it. Throw out the unnecessary stuff so that we are not carrying a burden but a thing of beauty instead.

That is what is going to take us ahead, not weigh us down. 

Source:THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY NEW STRAITS TIMES  25 October 2015  http://www.nst.com.my/news/2015/10/true-burden-handbags