Badger and wisdom of the Serenity Prayer

When I drive along country roads what disturbs me most is seeing dead badgers, the victims of road-kill. Sometime it is a large badger and at other times it is a wee baby badger. As a lover of animals, both wild and tame, it breaks my heart to see the black and white fur of the lifeless body flying in the wind. So I went on to research about the badger and found a host of delightful information. Unlike most other animals that scamper away upon seeing an on-coming vehicle, the badger because of its primal instinct to defend chooses to fight the approaching enemy instead, in this case the approaching vehicle. Native American’s keynote description of the badger is aggressiveness and she is symbolic of bold self reliance and self expression. The badger’s other characteristics are confidence and wisdom. Because it is protective and defensive. folklore has it that when threatened the badger will bite and will not let go of its grip until it hears the victim’s bone snap. In short, the badger is a fighter. Like the badger, we are fighters. We all have what we call our personal battles and some will go to the death bed disgruntled, disappointed and unhappy because there is no closure to the battles. We have also encountered promises made and promises broken over and over again. Have you wondered why the battered wife keeps returning to the violent husband? Or why the husband keeps paying for his wife’s gambling debts? Not forgetting the countless times a parent has to cover up for his child’s errant ways by making excuses for him? We continue to fight, wishing that things will change and become better. We cling on to the hope that everything will be alright in the end and this can take many years of our lives until we have no more strength to fight anymore and our confidence and motivation begin to slowly slip away. A situation can be rebuilt or it can fall apart. Some things will change and become better, but some things will never change nor become better. We imagine that every person is a diamond in the rough. Some of us have been advised erroneously that overtime we can ‘change’ a person if we are patient and forgiving. But to me, we cannot change another person’s mindset or behaviour. Any change that needs to be done has to come from the person himself. This is where the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer comes in. This prayer by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr has been adopted by Alcoholic Anonymous and other twelve-step programmes used to address substance abuse and dependency problems. The best known form of the prayer is: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Ah, for that kind of wisdom. To accept the things I cannot change is to see things as they are and to act upon reality. When I accept the things that I cannot change, then only can I let go of the struggle and move on. I can decide what I want to do in that situation without being clouded by my own wishing for things that will not happen. This is like the badger that will fight until it is time to let go. Some things just will not work no matter how badly I wish them to. It has been often quoted that we cannot change the past but we can change the present. And the choices we make in the present will determine the outcome of the future. To change the things that I can change is to be able to make decisions about how I want to live: finding a new job, moving to another city, ending an unhealthy relationship or changing my own mindset are some examples. I enjoy Raymond Briggs’ hand drawn children’s literature because his drawings encapsulate life as it is with no trimmings. Instead of being pushed up against the wall when his wife Jean Taprell Clark was diagnosed as schizophrenic and died of leukaemia, he wrote movingly: "Schizophrenics are inspiring people. Her feelings about nature and experiences of life were very intense." This is perhaps an illustration of accepting what we cannot change and having the courage to let go. If something starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. It does not require blame or justification. Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/badger-and-wisdom-of-the-serenity-prayer-

IT'S HARD TO SAY I'M SORRY

We were in New York on vacation and as holidays go, before long we had to catch the plane back to Ireland. So we made our way to the subway station. There were five of us with ages ranging from 18 – 56. The 18 year old had conscientiously researched and studied the routes in and out of New York whether by subway or by bus. Reaching the subway station, she announced that we had to take the Uptown train to Jamaica station in order to get to the JFK airport. Protesting vehemently the 56 year old said that we had to take the Downtown train instead. Since it is not in Asian culture to argue with an older and usually more experienced person, the 18 year old kept quiet. We would probably be heading downtown if not for a helpful American who had been observing our perplexed looks and approached us. He said, ‘To go to JFK airport, you have to go uptown. Follow me, I’m heading that way myself.’ Just before we boarded the train, I heard the 56 year say in a strong voice to the 18 year old, ‘I owe you an apology….’. I thought that was pretty cool because I seldom hear of older people apologising to younger ones especially in a parent-child relationship. In fact I have never heard my parents apologising to any of their children even if they were in the wrong. Saying sorry seems to be the hardest thing to do. Why even Elton John recorded the song ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word’’ in 1976 and Chicago, an American rock group had a number one hit ballad in 1982 entitled ‘Hard to Say I’m Sorry’. When someone sincerely says he is sorry, I go all weak and immediately forgive the person. There is an almost instant release of a huge blockage in my soul and it is the first step towards mending the relationship. This is because I am the recipient of the apology, one of true remorse. Now the reverse is totally different when I have to apologise because it is admitting that I have made a mistake. The funny thing is we all know that we are not perfect and we make mistakes. Is it a sign of weakness when we apologise? Are we afraid that the other person may not accept our apology? Worse still, the person can accuse you of making a fake apology and there is no way you can convince him otherwise if he chooses to think so. There are also those who want you to remember the number of times you have apologised because they cannot remember if you had ever done so. There are those that feel that as long as they do not apologise they are not at fault. It is like the scene at a car accident where you have been advised not to admit that you are in the wrong even if you are the offender. Those who refuse to apologise prefer to stay in denial. They rationalise that if there is no admission of fault, then there is no need to take responsibility. You ‘lose’ if you apologise and you ‘win’ if the other person apologises. We hide behind a veneer of pride and because we lack empathy we have a hard time understanding another person’s feelings or viewpoint. Giving an apology is akin to baring the soul. We become vulnerable. Like many other learnt behaviour, apologising becomes easier through practice. When we say we are sorry, it shows that the person who has been hurt by our actions or remarks means something special to us. It means that you want to get over this obstacle that is impeding the progress of the relationship. It is being aware of your own shortcomings and taking responsibility for what you have done wrong. It is knowing that setting things right is far more important than feeling that you are right. While we wait to be convinced that we should apologise or we wait for the other person to apologise, the clock is ticking. It is the seconds, the minutes, the hours and the days that are lost while we are still nursing the hurt or struggling with our pride. I have known of people who wait for years for that apology and they are still waiting. The maxim ‘Do not let the sun go down with your anger’ is so true as how many sleepless nights are lost to those who lie on the bed fuming over callous words and who are still waiting for an apology. The sad part is that while we are still struggling to apologise, we may find the person gone the next day and we have missed out on the opportunity to say ‘I am sorry.’ Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/it-is-hard-to-say-i-am-sorry-1.231894