Being a mum is a gift

In conjunction with Mother's Day, I was asked to share my experiences on raising three children...

1. How would you describe your relationship with your children? What was it like when they were young?

Very good, I have three - Sonya, Samuel and Audrey. Being a mum is a gift. it surpasses accolades and distinctions, and material success. It is not to be taken for granted. From that perspective, I treasure my chidren even more. The more we sow, the more we reap. Even when the babies were in the womb, I wanted them to have the best.

I went for piano lessons so that the foetuses could hear music. Since I enjoy craft, I sewed baby clothes, bassinet bedding and such. I also believe strongly in breastfeeding. Being a working mum, it was no easy task. I remember carrying all the paraphernalia (breast pump and bottles for example) to work so that I could give my children, mother's milk.

Every child is like a sponge. At 18 months, I taught my children to read using Glenn Doman's flash card concept. I made the flash cards myself as the kit was expensive. All three children could identify words at that age and went on to read the Peter and Jane series.

Music is food for the soul. Since I never had the opportunity to learn to play musical instruments as a child, I wanted my children to do so. The trio pursued the Yamaha Junior Music Course, and they have perfect pitch (they could identify any note) and can compose. I sat with them in class, enjoying all the clapping and singing. Later on, when they took piano lessons based on the Associated Board of the Royal Schools of Music, I refrained from reminding them to 'practise, practise' - something that children loathe to hear.

Instead we held mock concerts at home, where they had to perform music pieces among themselves. I rewarded them with 'mock trophies' with their names on them to celebrate the occasions.

Discipline is another aspect that parents have to deal with. Except for the occasional defiance, my children do listen to reason. 

When they were young, I collected cockleshells and spray painted them in gold. For good behaviour or for finishing chores, each child would be rewarded with a number of shells.

There was a chart on the fridge where the child could see how many shells he or she would need to redeem a chocolate bar, for example. I have not had a maid since Audrey turned seven, so the kids had to divide the chores among themselves. This gave them a sense of responsibility and independence.

Being involved in their television viewing was fun. Ask me about Sesame Street and who sang Octopus's Garden and I can still remember the details.Children like to watch their favourite cartoons over and over again. I had to sit with all three most of the time until I know the number of toes Kermit the Frog has.

Being an educator, I know studies are important. Strangely, I am not the type who enrolls my children for tuition. Public exam years would be given priority if the child needs tuition. Otherwise, I encourage them to pay attention in class and study on their own. School projects were always fun. We would brainstorm for ideas because they know mummy is creative. 

For show-and-tell, they have brought almost all their pets to school - from a guinea pig and an iguana to a hedgehog-until one teacher commented we must have a zoo at home.

 

As I never had a pet growing up in a town house, animals are always welcome at my home.

When all is said and done, teaching children about God and values, and seeing them experience the faith themselves is the best part of bonding. I would read storybooks to my children before they sleep and make sure they attend Sunday School and Youth Church. I encourage them to question and to be critical. I tell them it is all right to be creative, different and fun and not to follow the herd mentality.

2. What difficulties do you face in raising young adults? Do you have frank discussions with your children about everything?

Since I've been involved in their lives from day one, from the tying of shoelaces to tucking them in to sleep, any difficulty has a solution. I've worked hard and managed to save enough to see them through their education. Education is my gift to them. When they start work, they will have to learn to be independent and love their mum.

Discussions are a must. I've received handmade cards from them which said, 'Mum, whatever you decide, we are with you.' We talk about everything, including boyfriends, girlfriends and sex. Sometimes my son teases me about sex-related matters. They also let me read their blogs. I can feel their angst and their joy.

All my children are different from each other. My eldest knew she wanted to be a doctor at seven. She asked for a microscope instead of a Barbie doll. My second child is a hands-on person, so I know he'll make a great manager. The youngest has a flair for languages, is outspoken and is a people person. So the public arena is for her. I don't pigeonhole my children as a doctor, lawyer or accountant. We discuss what they want to be and if a mum has been there for them, she'll know their inclinations and encourage them to pursue their interests.

3. What are the things that you do together now?

We still go for movies, vacations and church activities. We do college projects together if they still need my input and of course shopping and dining are favourite pastimes. We share clothes and accessories too. Celebrating birthdays is top priority. I used to bake birthday cakes and put icing on them. But recently they've started to make their own cakes. To me, they'll always occupy a huge part of my heart.

Source : New Straits Times

Honeymoon, Negotiation, Adaptation, Mastery

It is not every day that dolphins come to town.

Well, they did. Sometime last month, three bottle-nosed dolphins decided to leave their regular habitat in the Shannon Estuary and swam towards the Ratty River in Bunratty, a bustling tourist area in Ireland. Their dramatic abandonment of a safe, saline environment towards a new and fresh water area caused both amazement and concern, judging from the flock of people who gathered there to watch them. While most of the audience comprised of the curious and the caring, there were also reports of young people throwing stones and other missiles at them.

I thought the dolphin story was somewhat similar to a situation when we find ourselves not quite on home ground and trying to adapt. I have just conducted a sharing session on achieving your dreams and studying abroad in a secondary school. Leaving home is a big step and going overseas for work or studies can be a daunting experience indeed.

In the process of experiencing culture shock and adaptation, we go through different phases. Being thousands of miles away from home, researchers agree that adaptation evolves through four stages: the honeymoon stage, the negotiation stage, the adaptation stage and the mastery stage. But of course, there are some who get stuck in a particular stage and remain there.

The honeymoon stage, as the term suggests, is of course exciting, as we drink in the new sights and sounds. If we are avid readers, now is the time to actually see the things that we have read about... snow-capped mountains, idyllic meadows dotted with frisky lambs, pastries at the boulangerie, clothes billowing in the wind, the quintessential bobby complete with truncheon and chimneys puffing.

We stride out in our coats and hats, woollen scarves and mittens and, not forgetting, knee high leather boots, just like they do in fashion magazines. The smell of freedom certainly goads us on to do the creative things that we would never have dared to do at home because, after all, no one knows us in this new land.

The negotiation stage is the stage where reality begins to hit home. It is when we begin to miss the sun that we have taken for granted. We seek out our favourite foods only to find that a decent plate of nasi lemak at a Malaysian restaurant costs 9 euro (RM36). When we get sick, there is no mother around to bring us a bowl of piping hot chicken soup. Although we speak English, we find that shopkeepers have difficulty understanding us because our stresses and accents are in different places. Shopping malls and eating squares that open late into the night are as scarce as hen's teeth.

This stage is worsened by bad experiences. We may be subjected to exclusion where we are regarded as "blow-ins", basically not people of the land. We may also suffer incidents of bullying, racist attacks or comments. Perhaps the most common experience is that ethics, morals and manners all seem to be so different: examples being the legislation of same-sex marriages, the normalcy and frequency of children born out of wedlock and live-in partners instead of the husband and wife union.

For us who honour and respect our elders (even if we think we are right and they are wrong), we are shocked to see adult children lashing out at their parents, calling their parents names and hurling accusations at them. For us who render respectful titles to anyone older than us (relative, friend or stranger) are shocked when children in the host country call adults by their first names, even if the adult is 99 years old.

The adjustment stage kicks in when we learn how to deal with the people around us: their customs, their body language and their expectations. It is at this stage that some of us may retreat into our ghettos where we gravitate towards people from our own country and others may go to the other extreme of being totally like the people in the host country.

Finally, the mastery stage is when we are able to recognise and assimilate the good practices and values of the host country. At the same time, we are proud of who we are -- our Asian heritage and the values and ethics that our parents , teachers and elders have taught us.

So, back to the story of the dolphins which got me started on this article.

Although preparations were made to help the dolphins go back to where they came from, officials from the Irish Whale and Dolphin Group (IWDG) and the National Parks and Wildlife Service (NPWS) who spent some time monitoring the mammals decided to leave them there for now as they looked healthy and appeared to be feeding well.

Maybe, they had reached the mastery stage.

Source: Columnist - New Straits Times
http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/honeymoon-negotiation-adaptation-mastery-1.281768?cache=%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.170209%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.320411%2F7.324263

A LOVE THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS

NEXT Sunday is Mothers Day. Now, that is one good reason to send a card, buy a present, visit or call that special lady who has sacrificed much for us.

In Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II, Juliet says, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet..." I find this so appropriate, especially when I am a mother. Call me mum, momma, mumsie or any affectionate title, the name will just be as sweet.

It is a journey of choice for me to have three children, a journey with no prescribed handbook and no predestined dock to anchor. A mother's role is never done. Even as the three are well into adulthood, I am still sailing, so to speak, through calm waters and through storms, trusting that when I turn the rudder of the ship, it will be in the right direction.

A recent research carried out by Tesco mobile shows that the average mother around the country performs tasks from 12 different occupations during their day-to-day work, from cleaner (82 per cent) to counsellor (73 per cent). In fact, 76 per cent of mothers perform the duties of chef, 77 per cent are stock controllers ensuring the cupboard does not go empty, 60 per cent take on the role of travel agent in the stressful task or organising a family holiday, and the list goes on.

If I can say that worrying is a task, then I am sure the job of "official worrier" will top a mother's list. From the moment a child is born, we worry. We can hide our worries under different facades -- being the cool mum, the detached mum, the professional mum -- but deep down, we still worry. We worry when they catch a fever, when they misbehave, when they do badly in school, when they are unemployed, when they are employed, when they marry and when they have children of their own.

Worrying is exacerbated by separation.

If we could have our way, we would want our children to be near us even when they are all grown up and working, with families of their own. Because I live 10,971km away from Malaysia, a hiccup in the lives of my children in Malaysia becomes a tsunami by the time it reaches me. Even with Facebook, phone calls, text messages and email, it is not the same as hearing the voices of your children talking to you, sharing their joys and their pain. My bedroom in Malaysia was also my office and my children would come in and out just to talk to me, from the silliest stuff to the most serious.

I made it a point to immediately put down whatever I was doing on the computer as soon as a child sat on my bed and said, "Mom, you know what?..." It became a habit and they continued to do it well into their adult years. Sometimes when they were too busy, I would go into their rooms instead to listen to them. My son's room had luminous star stickers all over the ceiling and it was always very special to lie down on the bed, look at all the stars shining down on us and talk. New mothers usually document their babies' milestones -- the first step, the first word.

But, to me, everyday brings new milestones. Separation is missing out on those milestones. Even for myself, sometimes I wish my mother were here to share with me her wisdom and advise me on how to negotiate the bends in my life.

I believe in authoritative parenting skills and I am not afraid to correct or voice my displeasure over rude or out of line character, whatever the age of the child. I believe in giving my children a great start in life by teaching them independence and accountability.

Having said that, I also believe in affirmation. It is never out of place to tell a child what he means to you under any circumstance, even if he has done a great wrong. To me, it is the deed that is wrong, but my love for the child does not change and he must know that.

I remember I posted a random picture on my daughter's Facebook "My daughter is super awesome and I'm the lucky one who gets to be her momma" and she replied "lawl, so ghetto-sounding momma" and that really made me laugh.

In Ireland, Mothers Day is celebrated on March 10, so I get to celebrate it twice a year. It is not exactly the same thing when you do not have all the children with you but I will have to settle for that till the time comes when we can all be together again.

Read more: A love that knows no bounds - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/a-love-that-knows-no-bounds-1.271554#ixzz2SP00xAaW