Drivers of Success

I met up with some Asian friends whom I had not seen in 30 years and congratulated each other on how like fine wine we have aged, and jokingly, talked about the gold bullion that we have locked in a safe deposit box somewhere -  the latter I take to denote success or how far we have come in life through dogged determination and sheer hard work.

So, what is it with Asians and a spirit of excellence?

According to a New York Times 2012 report, Asian-Americans constitute 5.6 percent of the nation’s population but 12 to 18 percent of the student body at Ivy League schools.  The percentages are astounding: 24% at Stanford, 18% at Harvard, and 25% at both Columbia and Cornell. More Asian Americans over the age of 25 have bachelor's degrees and advanced degrees than any other race or ethnic group. Besides outperforming their colleagues in school, Asian Americans also bring home higher incomes than their non-Asian counterparts - almost $10,000 more annually than the rest of the population (2002 statistics).

My take is that it is not that we are born Asian that we reach for excellence, but rather how we are raised.

 There have been so many reports and books written about the Asian concept of  hard work and success and when I chance upon yet another, I never fail to give it a good read. I guess it is partly to double check whether I have been doing the right thing especially when others do not practise the same parenting techniques that I do.

In Top of the Class: How Asian Parents Raise High Achievers - and How You Can Too, the daughters of Korean immigrants  Dr. Soo Kim Abboud and Jane Kim discuss 17 ways parents can raise children to love learning and maximize their intellectual potential. Abboud is a clinical assistant professor at the University of Pennsylvania, and Jane Kim is a lawyer who specializes in immigration issues

I tend to agree with the overall slant of the book.

One of my friends told me that I have always been an achiever. I find great contentment in achieving and living to one’s full potential. In agriculture terms, when I put my hand on the plough there are no half measures, no laid back attitude -  whether it is being a lecturer in the classroom or in planting potatoes in my back yard. To me, we are given a spirit of excellence and to settle for anything less is to sell yourself short.

The spirit of excellence sets the child apart from his peers. I can identify greatly with Dr. Soo Kim Abboud’s concept of clearly defining your child’s role as a student and then steering her towards her potential.

Asian children are brought up with three clear cut rules:

·                                 Respect your elders (teachers, people who are older and people in authority) and obey your 

                  parents.

·                                 Study hard and do well in school to secure a bright future.

·                                 Mediocrity does not garner praise. Hard work and praiseworthy performance do.

The final ring of the school bell does not mean freedom from learning and education. Studying still takes place at home – homework, assignments and sometimes even doing additional workbooks given by the parents themselves. Besides doing household chores, studying  is a normal way of life away from the multitude of distractions that others face once school ends.

I respect educators, and this respect is passed on to my children as I view the educators as collaborators - not adversaries. I strongly believe that if children do not respect their educators, then they will find it difficult to embrace their roles as students or subordinates,  not only in the classroom but in the home and society as well. It is sad that while Teacher’s Day is celebrated in Malaysia and in other parts of the world, Irish teachers in the town where I live do not enjoy the same celebration. If I am not mistaken, my daughter was the only one who made appreciation cards for the teachers during Teacher’s Day this year..

I do not know how it has evolved such that children are rewarded for mediocre school performances, for fear that any challenge or correction will permanently damage their children's self-esteem. 

To me, I believe in both effort and result, commiserating with the child’s ability.

Anything less is underachieving, indiscipline and looking for short cuts in life.

Source: New Straits Times 25 August 2013

Travelling Pains

I love starting out on a journey and reaching the destination. The beginning of a journey is full of excitement and fun, especially to a new place. The searching of exotic getaways, great deals and finally booking the package creates an adrenalin rush. The luggage comes out of the store room, clothes are neatly packed and liquids are stored in a transparent bag.

What I do not like is the travelling in between especially if it is many hours by air or by sea. Somehow the inner biological system shuts down when air flight time hits anything above 10 hours. Travelling by sea is even worse for me as minutes after the cruise ship has left the dock, and the waves become choppy, I would be yearning for a quick return to shore again. Even the wonderful dinner buffet in the dining room becomes an indescribable blur.

There are good days and there are bad days. On good days, I can tuck in and relish every piece of morsel served on board the plane. I can even watch three movies and then fall sound asleep immediately after. But on bad days, which are becoming increasingly more often, I cannot even watch anything on the screen except to check on the flight route. More often than not, the graphic plane on the screen seems to be stuck at a certain location. This is made worse by my constant checking of the watch to see how many hours I have flown thus far. Believe me, as if in cohort with the stationary plane on the screen, the hour hand hardly moves.

Recently I was seated on the upper deck of a splendid Airbus A380. This is a double-deck, wide-body, four-engine jet airliner and the world's largest passenger airliner.  It promises the weary traveller everything that she wishes for. But then again I could never agree with the varied smells within an enclosed area - three very distinct ones are grease, perfume and medicated oil. Covering my head with a blanket to block out the smells for the most part of the journey rendered little help. Tablets for air sickness did nothing for me. Seeing that I could not consume anything for the 12 hour flight, the concerned air-hostess made me a cup of hot chocolate. Sad to day, I threw that up as well.

I know there are bags for air sickness but because vomiting is an involuntary action of the body to empty the contents of the stomach we sometimes end up throwing up in the toilet of a plane instead. Now this is tricky business. It is completely awkward to be down on the knees and throwing up into the toilet bowl. The alternative is to stand up and make sure the involuntary projectile is directly aimed at the toilet bowl – a mean feat especially when you are groggy and cannot even stand straight. It is also utterly useless to throw up in the basin especially when the gooey stuff refuses to flow smoothly down the sink hole and you would need to manually soak up the gooey stuff with tissues and then throw the tissues into the toilet bowl. ( whereby you will regret not throwing up straight into the toilet bowl or into the bag in the first place) Finally, you will need to wipe down the basin with a good blob of liquid soap and warm water in order to leave it respectable and clean for the next passenger.

What is it that makes travelling so difficult?

As I fly over Asia, Europe, the Middle East, Africa and the Americas, I feel like my body is disintegrating like thin wisps of mists over the continents and the oceans. It is as if I am leaving a part of me here and there. Ridiculous idea - of losing parts of me in Capri or Monte Carlo - but until I can fly with the ease of a bird; that helps explain the nausea and the discomfort that I feel incessantly.

Even when the plane lands, the ordeal is not over yet. I am talking of long queues at border controls and the strict screening of luggage. The last thing you would want is a straight faced immigration officer who glares or makes fun of you.

I remember a few decades ago, an immigration officer asked me where I was studying and I said the name of a university in Malaysia. He quipped, ‘Are there universities in Malaysia?’ Even now, I meet the occasional over enthusiastic immigration officer who takes pleasure in torturing the weary soul with a snide remark.

Once we step out of the airport we face the intense heat and humidity or on the other extreme the biting cold and the chilly wind. Then we go through jet lag and when others are sound asleep we stare at the ceiling and when others are happily photographing the orang utan  on the feeding platform, we wish for a platform to rest our sleepy heads.

So why do I still plod along across continents and oceans?

When the ordeal of a long journey is over, it is also forgotten by and by. Just like child birth, when it is all over, we go on to have another.  Yet another day arrives and I find myself queuing at the airport counter to check in and to get the boarding pass.

As the departure gate closes and I enter the plane, I say a silent prayer that this time round there will be no smell of grease, perfume or medicated oil.

Adding a splash of colour

I love the colours of teal and coral. An unlikely combination, yet the kingfisher has feathers of teal and coral.

In colour psychology, teal heals the emotions and signifies trustworthiness,  reliability and commitment. It is a colour that recharges us during times of mental stress and tiredness, alleviating feelings of loneliness. The colour coral symbolises energy, warmth and joy. It is associated with characteristics such as homey, welcoming, excitement or adventure.

So as the time has come to give the exterior of our house a new coat of paint, teal walls and  coral doors won hands down over the original grey.

I would like to see our lives as a spectrum of colours. When I made my first trip to London in 1982, I had a 7R photograph of myself in jeans and an anorak at the changing of the guard. As computer graphics were non-existent then, I used the letter set dry transfers to print the words on the photo - ‘Colour my world in technicolour’.

Colours reflect our experiences, moods and passage of development. When we are exuberant, we burst into colour. Our days are radiant and bright with beautiful prints – the entrance into university, the first job, the first child. When we are trapped in sad situations our days are grey and the world is black – the failure, the retrenchment, the break-up. Yet, we take comfort in the proverb that ‘this too will pass’.

Colours also reflect our perception of things. It is so true that when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. But sad to say, some of us are arrested in our own development as we refuse to let go of negative experiences and emotions that continue to grip us.

I remember during my first year in Ireland, I continually made a mental assessment and comparison of this country and the country where I was born. It is not unusual that I would say ‘In Malaysia, we would do this and we would do that….’ It was the soul trying to make sense of the new while appreciating the old and the familiar. The meandering, laid back pace of the countryside was a vast contrast to the fast-pace of city living where efficiency, promptness and reliability meant observing time frames.

I used to watch in amusement  when the customer and the cashier chatted about the weather and who had died recently while the rest of us waited in queue to pay for our groceries. I also had to consciously remember that the post office and the bank closed during lunch hours. In short, I would see red.

Now I watch with empathy when the customer and the cashier chatted about the weather and who had died recently while the rest of us wait in queue. I think that the cashier has loads of patience when she hears the little old lady muttering about her daily endeavours. I think the little old lady must have felt good to have someone listen to her daily endeavours. When she fumbles for her debit card to pay for the groceries, and the cashier says, ‘Take your time, there’s no rush. Whenever you are ready’, I think that is kind and I notice that there is a fuzzy glow of warm orange within me.

There is an elderly crowd here and even in their 80s and 90s, their minds are as bright as a button. Maybe it is because of the freshness of the natural surroundings, maybe it is because they take the time to soak in the colours of living and learning.

It is a pity that with massive development in the city the skyline is no longer what it used to be. Beautiful heritage houses give way to skyscrapers and green lungs and pristine forests vanish as lucrative plantations and condominiums encroach into them.

I have learnt to enjoy the blue of the sky, the purple of the lavender and the green of the fields. Just when I watch my children grow and fly the nest, I am thankful that I am surrounded by people who care for me and  I have learnt to live life.

As I look at Tony the painter put the final touches of teal and coral on the house,  Michael and I will have a new splash of colour in our lives. The old is gone, and the new has come.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/adding-a-splash-of-colour-to-life-1.327868?

Companies should keep loyal clients happy

WE all like to hide things safely away. Why, even squirrels hide their nuts in places that they can unearth when food is scarce in winter. One of the many things that I like to hide is chocolate. This habit could have stemmed from when I was a young mother and I did not want to let my children eat too many chocolates at one go. So I would hide them, (especially after birthdays when well-meaning guests give loads of chocolates), and then "produce" them from their hideouts as occasional treats.

Recently, a chocolate company announced that it was recalling a chunky bar because some bits of plastic were found in it. So I checked my chocolate stash. Sure enough I had six bars of the affected brand sitting smugly in the hidey hole. The company promised a full refund and free postage for the return of the affected bars.

I debated whether to post the chocolates back to the United Kingdom. I argued that there would be very little chance of finding plastic bits in my collection and even if they were there, I would be careful enough to spit them out. But then again if I were to choke on one and have to be rushed to the emergency room, I can visualise the company personnel admonishing me, "I told you so" and washing their hands off any law suit. So, I dutifully posted them as instructed and waited, convincing myself that this was an example of good customer service.

I think I can actually count on my fingers the number of times I was served well in Malaysia. Cashiers sat with dour faces at supermarket counters. Inconsiderate people with their trolleys filled to the brim used the express lanes and no supermarket personnel was doing anything about it. Restaurants that conveniently forgot which customers came earlier and served those who came in later, first.

With so many brands in the market, many companies' present obsession appears to be to gain customers, but not to service loyal customers well. When I call about a complaint more often than not I would be left on hold as the music plays on the other side of the phone. Even if I am attended to, it is no surprise if I am passed on from person A to person B until hopefully I get to speak to the right person. More often than not, I will be speaking to a recorded message, telling me to press A if I am a new customer and B if I am a current customer.

After waiting for endless minutes to trickle while the phone bill is escalating, I have managed to fool the recording machine. Even if I am a current customer and I am supposed to press B, I press A for new customer instead. The speed at which I am attended to is not rocket science.

Some days ago, we decided to change the service provider for the telephone and the broadband. We were immediately inundated with phone calls and email asking us why we decided to change and they counter offered with "better" packages to try to lure us back.

The question is, if these packages were on, why did they not try to convince us while we were still their customers? A similar example was when I decided to change my credit card after having paid the service fees for years. Immediately the credit card company called me and said if I remained as their customer they would hitherto waive the service fees for as long as I lived.

Unless there is not much choice, I prefer to go to the little shop around the corner. It is like the sitcom Cheers of yesteryear where when you enter the shop, everyone knows your name.

There will be a short exchange of greetings and then even if you have lost the receipt you can still bring the item back to exchange since the storekeeper remembers that you bought the item from him not too long ago.

But then again, there are some big concerns that do take care of their customers.

There is this story about Sainsbury's Tiger bread. A three and a half year-old girl wrote to the company in May 2011, saying the bread looked more like a giraffe and suggested that it should be called giraffe bread.

Chris King from Sainsbury's customer services team replied: "I think renaming tiger bread giraffe bread is a brilliant idea -- it looks much more like the blotches on a giraffe than the stripes on a tiger, doesn't it?" With the letter was a STG3 (RM12.90) gift card, and it was signed "Chris King (age 27 & 1/3)".

Tiger bread has since been renamed giraffe bread.

So as for the return of the tainted chocolate bars, I received two postal orders from the UK, a full refund for the affected chocolate bars, with a little extra on the side. I will be their grateful customer for life.

Source: Companies should keep loyal clients happy - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/companies-should-keep-loyal-clients-happy-1.318818?cache=03d163d03edding-pred-1.1176%252F%253Fpfpentwage63dp%253A%252Fhe3d03dn63frea-rti3d19.3d163d03edding-pred-1.1176%252F%253Fpfpentwage63dp%253A%252Fhe3d03dn63frea-rti3d19.111w5ii%252Fed-%252F7.174045%253Fkey%253Dmalaysia%253Fpage%253D0%253Fkey%253Dmalaysia%2F7.358894%2F7.454177%2F7.454177#ixzz2Z1uEXo9z

BUYING MORE THAN YOU NEED

One of the horrors of cleaning out the refrigerator is to find perishables, well past their expiry dates, turning an unappealing shade, releasing an odour or being covered with mould.  There could also be food that had not been stored properly so bacteria had spoilt them.

Besides the refrigerator, cleaning out the kitchen cabinet would be another nightmare.  I wonder how many of us have left canned food or ready-to-cook sachets standing on the shelf for months until they are way past their best before dates. I could safely say that most of us would have been in that situation at least once in our lifetime.

Consumed with guilt, we throw the sorry sight into the bin.

With recession and unemployment hitting the streets of Ireland, many are cutting back on expenses. Strangely enough there is still much wastage of food. Irish consumers throw out 30 per cent of food bought in supermarkets, costing each household more than €1,000 a year.

This is certainly bad for the environment. Ethically wasting food while others who are less fortunate go hungry is frowned upon. Yet, why do we continue this unhealthy habit of buying more than we need?

Reasons range from a lack of planning, buying on impulse or not eating leftovers.

Whatever the reason, solutions for this unhealthy trend include buying and keeping ‘just enough’, using a FIFO (‘first in, first out’) method to control our purchases and being wary of sales gimmicks like ‘2 for 1’ or ‘Buy 1, get 1 at half price’.

I have nothing against genuine money savers especially if they are necessities, for example, shampoo or toilet paper. However if they are offers for buying perishables in bulk, then I would certainly pause and do a mental evaluation before purchasing.

Diet gurus claim there is more to overbuying that meets the eye.

A person low in self worth seeks solace in ‘compensatory consumption’. Overbuying ‘fills’ the person up so she will not feel so personally depleted.

The bad news is, overbuying is not restricted solely to the food department. We may also have rows and rows of shoes, many of them worn only once or not even worn at all. We also have cupboards full of clothes. If we are honest enough, there are some clothes in the cupboard that we have not worn for a long time and probably never will. There are also those beautiful dresses that are one size smaller because fashion magazines tell us to purchase them as an incentive for keeping to our latest diet.

The difficult part is to actually take the clothes off their hangers and the shoes off the shelves. We know we must pack them into boxes and give them away but because we have formed some kind of an intricate bonding with them, we tell ourselves we will do it and then put it off to another day.

So how can we put the brakes on shopping for wants and not needs?

A good tactic is delayed buying. This means that when you see something that we like and are inextricably drawn to it, just leave the shop without buying it and tell yourself to come back another day if you really want it. Most times the desire to purchase it would have worn off after a few days – the very same dress that you thought you must buy. The delaying tactic is also economical because usually in-season clothes are highly priced   only to be discounted after a few weeks.

Another interesting method to curb overbuying is something that I learnt from a fellow blogger. She started one ‘non-spending’ day in a week where she would refuse to part with her dollars and cents for that particular day however great the temptation was to make a purchase. She was surprised that in no time this kind of imposed restraint had become an ‘automatic checker’ whenever she wanted to purchase something. Soon it was a breeze to stretch the non-spending day to more than one day.

Finally the old fashioned method of paying things by cash certainly helps. If we go shopping with only cash in our bags and leave our credit cards behind, we would certainly have to buy within our means. Not only that,  we would make a mental assessment of the things we intend to buy….necessities above wants.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/bad-habit-of-buying-more-than-you-need-1.310191?cache=03%253Fkey%253DKuala+Lumpur%252F7.196217%253Fpage%253D0%252F7.213537%253Fkey%253DKuala+Lumpur

The Father as a Provider and a Protector

Recently some bulbuls came and build a nest in the porch of my house. Although this was not the first time, it was a joy watching them flutter their wings in great excitement and making a wonderful noise. They would fly to the porch carrying bits and pieces of straw and wood chips in their beaks. Before long the mother bird was spending days sitting on her two eggs.  This was then followed by an endless hunting of food by both parents to feed the young fledglings until they were able to fly away.

Looking at the birds, I thought of the role of a guardian. The  ‘guardian’ is one of the four temperaments identified in the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, a  self-assessed personality questionnaire designed to help people better understand themselves. Among many things, the ‘guardian’ takes on the position of the provider and the protector.

In a family, the primal role of the father should be that of the provider and protector. The provider takes it upon himself to look after the health and welfare of those in his care. He is the hunter who ekes out a living so that there is food on the table and there are basic amenities in the home. For the many of us who have such fathers, we feel secure and know that we will not be in want.  We might even take for granted that  shampoo, ketchup, stationery and many other things in our homes would always be there whenever we wanted them.

Having said that, there are fathers who do not provide for their families. Examples are alcoholics and gamblers. Unless he seeks help an alcoholic brings nothing but pain to his family through his incessant drinking or abusive behavior. The gambler who falls prey to loan sharks sets up his family for a life of misery. To escape the loan sharks, the family lives in fear and are always on the move.

When a father neglects his role as a provider, it is not uncommon to see the mother or the first born taking the weight of leadership to become the provider for the family instead. This unhealthy situation causes the mother to feel trapped and the first born to be deprived of a normal childhood, having to grow up too fast.

The provider is sometimes taken for granted and left unappreciated. Because a provider is extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, he is somewhat self-conscious and sensitive to what others think of him and is crushed by personal criticism.

The father is also the protector because his primary interest is in the safety and security of those he cares about. I remember my father used to make sure that every door was well pad-locked at night, and now I see my husband doing that as well. The protector is loyal and responsible in his makeup and seems fulfilled in the sense that he can shield others from the dangers of the world. The protector’s shyness is often misjudged as selfishness or even coldness but he is actually warm hearted and sympathetic, putting the interests of the ones he loves above himself. He is quite happy working alone and will try to do everything himself rather than direct others to get the task done. A lack of external expression of love does not necessarily mean that he does not care enough.

I feel that both the parents’ roles are complimentary. While the father is the provider and protector, the mother can be the primary carer and confidante. In fact, most times the roles are well blended as befits the occasion.

Just like the bulbuls that built the nest, happy is the home when both parents know their roles and contribute whole heartedly to the raising of the children.  Like the fledglings who must also learn to fly, adult children should start looking out for their father and his needs instead.The love and security that good parents provide can never be understated in the development of a child. The bulbul’s nest may look messy on the outside but apparently it is well lined and comfortable on the inside. Now that the fledglings have flown off, I must climb on a chair and have a look at the interior of the nest.

                                                                      HAPPY FATHER’S DAY

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/the-father-as-a-provider-and-a-protector-1.301090?cache=%27%60%22bvU7C%2F7.241524%2F7.258950%2F7.258950%2F7.258950%2F7.289627%2F7.330034%2F7.330034%2F7.330034

Building Blocks of Basic Trust

SOME things do not change. During my childhood, I heard of parents making meaningless promises to their children or threats so that they would toe the line. I would have thought that with education and modernisation, such tactics would have died a natural death.

Imagine my surprise when just the other day, I heard a mother tell her 7-year-old to put her tooth under the pillow or else the Tooth Fairy would not leave a euro for her. I did not know whether to be aghast or to smile knowing full well that it was definitely not the Tooth Fairy who was going to put the euro under the pillow.

Sooner or later, it just takes another child, let's call her child X, who has been brought up to know that the Tooth Fairy does not exist, to shatter that dream world. Then, the poor child who has believed in something unreal all her life would run home crying and her mother would grumble to other mothers at the school gate that child X is a spoiler and she cannot imagine what kind of childhood child X has without the Tooth Fairy.

Why make such a fuss about letting a child believe in fantasy?

Well, according to psychologist Eric Erikson, letting a child believe in something that does not exist challenges the quality of basic trust which is the foundation for a healthy personality. If we sow seeds of deception, what would we expect to reap? If a child believes the fabrications made up by the parent, how will she know when the parent is telling the truth?

To me, it would be so much more meaningful if a parent comforts her child for having had her tooth extracted and "rewards" her for her bravery by giving her a euro. In the same vein, it would also be assuring if a parent tells a child she loves her and therefore buys her a present instead of telling her that some fictional character has climbed down the chimney and left one for her.

There has also been a number of incidents where I have heard parents telling their child to stop crying or the bogeyman will put him in a sack and whisk him away. Usually, the bogeyman would be hiding in the closet or under the bed. I would not be surprised if such a threat leaves an indelible mark on the child and causes him to be fearful and timid.

Strangely, these parents think that such threats are harmless. By using an imaginary being to frighten children into compliant behaviour, the parent is actually allowing someone else to do the "dirty work".

Sometimes, the parent threatens that the policeman or the security guard (usually of a different race) would catch the errant child and throw him into jail if he does not behave. My daughter tells me that when she makes her rounds in the wards, the parents will quickly threaten the sick child with an injection if the child does not behave.

These seemingly harmless untruths not only encourage deception but also instil an unhealthy fear of the lawmaker, the authorities and also inculcates prejudice of other races. It is no wonder that we grow up thinking of the police as more of a foe than a friend, ready to slap us with a fine and to take a bribe than to help us.

Some parents will also threaten to use the cane by waving it in the air and never really carrying out the threat. Others threaten with the phrase, "Wait till your daddy gets home". It is so easy to scare children. To me, this is folly. If I say I will discipline my child, then I will follow through so that the child knows the consequences of his actions, and the sooner the better. An error corrected there and then is certainly more effective than waiting for the other parent to return from work to correct it.

Having said that, we are often quick to discipline but slow to praise. I am not talking about mollycoddling or dishing out trite praises for every small thing done. This merely devalues the praise and the child will be deceived into thinking that he can do no wrong. He inadvertently thinks that he needs no improvement because what he does is wonderful enough in his parent's eye.

It is good to let our children, whatever their ages, know that we are proud of them. I prefer to emphasise the nice and true things about themselves and what they have accomplished because hearing good things about themselves make them feel good and want to do more. It is better to explain to them the boundaries of behaviour and the things they should or should not do. This requires control within ourselves and the discipline to tell the truth.

Source: Building blocks of basic trust - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/building-blocks-of-basic-trust-1.291473?cache=03%2F7.202804%3Fkey%3DMalaysia%2F7.318771%2F7.358894%2F7.358894%2F7.358894%2F7.358894#ixzz2V1Xksah1