Building Blocks of Basic Trust

SOME things do not change. During my childhood, I heard of parents making meaningless promises to their children or threats so that they would toe the line. I would have thought that with education and modernisation, such tactics would have died a natural death.

Imagine my surprise when just the other day, I heard a mother tell her 7-year-old to put her tooth under the pillow or else the Tooth Fairy would not leave a euro for her. I did not know whether to be aghast or to smile knowing full well that it was definitely not the Tooth Fairy who was going to put the euro under the pillow.

Sooner or later, it just takes another child, let's call her child X, who has been brought up to know that the Tooth Fairy does not exist, to shatter that dream world. Then, the poor child who has believed in something unreal all her life would run home crying and her mother would grumble to other mothers at the school gate that child X is a spoiler and she cannot imagine what kind of childhood child X has without the Tooth Fairy.

Why make such a fuss about letting a child believe in fantasy?

Well, according to psychologist Eric Erikson, letting a child believe in something that does not exist challenges the quality of basic trust which is the foundation for a healthy personality. If we sow seeds of deception, what would we expect to reap? If a child believes the fabrications made up by the parent, how will she know when the parent is telling the truth?

To me, it would be so much more meaningful if a parent comforts her child for having had her tooth extracted and "rewards" her for her bravery by giving her a euro. In the same vein, it would also be assuring if a parent tells a child she loves her and therefore buys her a present instead of telling her that some fictional character has climbed down the chimney and left one for her.

There has also been a number of incidents where I have heard parents telling their child to stop crying or the bogeyman will put him in a sack and whisk him away. Usually, the bogeyman would be hiding in the closet or under the bed. I would not be surprised if such a threat leaves an indelible mark on the child and causes him to be fearful and timid.

Strangely, these parents think that such threats are harmless. By using an imaginary being to frighten children into compliant behaviour, the parent is actually allowing someone else to do the "dirty work".

Sometimes, the parent threatens that the policeman or the security guard (usually of a different race) would catch the errant child and throw him into jail if he does not behave. My daughter tells me that when she makes her rounds in the wards, the parents will quickly threaten the sick child with an injection if the child does not behave.

These seemingly harmless untruths not only encourage deception but also instil an unhealthy fear of the lawmaker, the authorities and also inculcates prejudice of other races. It is no wonder that we grow up thinking of the police as more of a foe than a friend, ready to slap us with a fine and to take a bribe than to help us.

Some parents will also threaten to use the cane by waving it in the air and never really carrying out the threat. Others threaten with the phrase, "Wait till your daddy gets home". It is so easy to scare children. To me, this is folly. If I say I will discipline my child, then I will follow through so that the child knows the consequences of his actions, and the sooner the better. An error corrected there and then is certainly more effective than waiting for the other parent to return from work to correct it.

Having said that, we are often quick to discipline but slow to praise. I am not talking about mollycoddling or dishing out trite praises for every small thing done. This merely devalues the praise and the child will be deceived into thinking that he can do no wrong. He inadvertently thinks that he needs no improvement because what he does is wonderful enough in his parent's eye.

It is good to let our children, whatever their ages, know that we are proud of them. I prefer to emphasise the nice and true things about themselves and what they have accomplished because hearing good things about themselves make them feel good and want to do more. It is better to explain to them the boundaries of behaviour and the things they should or should not do. This requires control within ourselves and the discipline to tell the truth.

Source: Building blocks of basic trust - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/building-blocks-of-basic-trust-1.291473?cache=03%2F7.202804%3Fkey%3DMalaysia%2F7.318771%2F7.358894%2F7.358894%2F7.358894%2F7.358894#ixzz2V1Xksah1