A tale of two Castles

I

If I were to wake up one morning and say, hey, I would go buy a castle, no one would believe me. For a start it takes a lot of money to buy one. And even if the owner is desperate enough to make a cheap and quick sale, chances are it will also cost a lot to restore it.

Well, Jeremy Irons bought a castle in West Cork  and out of curiosity more than anything else, I went to St Mary’s Cathedral in Limerick to listen to his presentation on the restoration of his 15^th century Kilcoe castle. This was in conjunction with 'Limerick City's Georgian Buildings and Streets' weekend of traditional Building Skills demonstrations and conservation talks.

I was not disappointed. 

Jeremy Iron’s deep and rich voice brought life to the many slides on how he purchased the castle and restored it. For someone who knows nothing about architecture except to admire it, I was immensely taken in by all the renovation works which spanned a total of six years. There was meticulous building and rebuilding of parts to meet perfection that one workman was said to have lamented, ‘When you work for an actor, there are too many rehearsals’.

The word castle is derived from the Latin word castellum which is a diminutive of the word castrum, meaning "fortified place". In medieval times, a castle served as a haven for soldiers during attacks, thus enabling small armies to defend themselves against larger armies.

Castles are impressive symbols of prestige and power. Castles are imposing and we gape at the magnitude and the opulence often associated with them. Kings used them to exert control over regions they thought to be hostile Aristocrats used them to display their status.

It is a given that kings and queens live in castles but to actually go out and buy one? Or better still, seek out one who inherits big castles and work towards seducing them into marriage.

So with my mind saturated with images of castles, I then attended another talk about a different kind of castle.

This time round it was by Alan Graham from Belfast. Alan, together with his wife Dorothy has established Zimbabwe Orphan Care (ZOC) to help care for some of the 800,000 orphans who live in Zimbabwe.

Sensing the immense need, Alan and Dorothy bought a site in  Harare, the capital of Zimbabwe in 2008. On it, they developed an orphanage called Jabulani for 14 children who would call it their home. Jabulani is a Zulu word meaning rejoice.

Metaphorically, I would call Jabulani the children’s castle. In this case, the castle is the children’s place of refuge. It is a place where they can be safe and wanted.

As Alan was narrating his experiences, one particular account struck a chord in my heart.

There was a time when sewage pipes were clogged up and workmen were called in to solve the problem. The reason for the blockage was a ghastly discovery of over 20 foetuses, possibly aborted. Thousands of babies were literally ‘thrown away’ by teenage mothers because of rape, often by AIDS victims.

I can’t help but think of the castle in West Cork and the castle in Harare.

Both are beautiful and located in a faraway place. The one in West Cork houses a family of four against a background of soft carpets, beautiful furniture, collectibles from distant lands ….lit by ornate lamps and chandeliers. The one in Harare houses 14 children (and possibly more to come ) and dedicated caregivers against a possibility for a great education, love and a meaningful life… lit by a vision of hope.

When I think of buying a castle, the question is, what will my motive be?

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/26176

To Thy Ownself Be True

I ENJOY doing online tests on trivial topics such as “what kind of classic actress are you?”, “what kind of car best represents you?”, “what kind of dessert are you?” and so on. Somehow, the answers are relatively accurate and these tests are interesting tools for me to have a rough gauge about who I am — extrovert, introvert or ambivert, among many other traits. 

The extrovert relishes social life, and is energised by interacting with friends and strangers alike. Extroverts are people who can be warm and funny. They also enjoy centre-stage attention and they are charming and good company. 

The introvert, on the other hand, prefers one-on-one relationships. Given the choice, she will devote her social energy to the people she cares about most, preferring the company of close friends to a room of acquaintances or strangers. She thinks before she speaks and relishes solitude. She feels energised when she focuses on a subject or activity that interests her. Her inner life is active and she is at her best when she taps into its storehouse. She immerses herself in writing and she is a good listener. She works best alone. 

However, no one is a pure extrovert or introvert and we are all somewhere along the continuum. The ambivert is smack right in the middle and she has the best of both worlds. She is moderately comfortable with groups and social interaction, but also relishes time alone, away from a crowd. 

For me, the introvert-extrovert personality traits manifest themselves according to the company that we keep. 

For example, if I am among friends, I am more of the introvert. Discussions are two-way, meaningful and informed. 

I know that there is a safe ground where I can listen and where I can share and people are genuinely interested in my opinions or my life. I know I can be a friend to another or a shoulder to cry on for someone. 

I just had a lovely house guest whom I had not met for the last three decades. We were from the same university and we were also housemates once. When she went home, she left me a card with these words: “We are friends beyond boundaries, beyond time, beyond words… Thank you for the two weeks of Irish experience and most of all for the love and sincerity of friendship.” 

I am the introvert when I am relaxed and enjoying “me-time”. I like to think over things, try to find solutions and write about my experiences. I will make gifts for people that I care about for no reason at all, just to appreciate them and make arrangements to meet up with them. People feel special when I remember important dates like their birthdays or the festivals that they celebrate. 

 However, when I am a hostess, the extrovert takes over. I like to invite friends over for coffee and cake. I go out of the way to include my guests to make them feel comfortable. I try to make sure that no one is left out. If I am conducting a workshop or seminar, I try to make it as lively and as interesting as possible, engaging my audience in all possible ways, so they do not fall asleep. 

When I am teaching, I try to make the classroom a more relational rather than a talk-down experience. When I am at a top-level meeting, I participate. 

The heart of human nature is to know who you are — what you are comfortable with and what you are not. The added challenge is how to let others know how we feel, especially when they have overstepped their boundaries or encroach into our space. 

Occasionally, we have to make allowances and put up with people that we do not enjoy being with or situations that make us feel bored or uncomfortable but this should be the exception, not the norm. 

If we are always battling ourselves because of another’s expectations or otherwise, we deplete ourselves. Conversely, when we make choices that are congruent with ourselves, we unleash life. 

 Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/21773

The Rewards of Reinventing the Familiar

1. 

   There was once a buzz word called reinventing. It became such a cliché  that I would hear it every time I attended a conference. Yes, we have reinventing the wheel, reinventing the steel, reinventing the business model and reinventing yourself.

   
   

   Everyone was jumping on the bandwagon and the over usage of the idea bored me to smithereens. One of my bosses even said he had to reinvent himself so he would be ‘useful’ to the new leadership. I am not sure whether that was clever or hypocritical.

   
   

   Before I knew it I found myself actually living out the process of reinventing myself, not to chalk up a longer resume or to impress anyone, but rather getting to know what I can do besides teaching.

   
   

   Reinventing involves change.

   
   

   For some people it is a drastic swing from what they were familiar with, to something completely new. Reinvention gurus say that the first step is to have a game plan. A timid person may want to go all out to be an orator and therefore the first step is for him to enrol for a public speaking course.

   

   
   

   For me, reinventing myself is building on what I already know or have, so that I can find great satisfaction in those fields. It is not based on a schedule within a time frame with goals to be achieved. Rather it is a free and easy type of reinventing, with me engaging in new things and taking stock of life experiences.

   
   

   Having left the active workforce four years ago I knew that I would be spending the bulk of my time at home and not in the office. So, the game plan is to be able to enjoy the new found time to the utmost – productively, but not in the sense of reaping in loads of money.

   
   

   

   
   

   Recently I attended my friends’ tenth wedding anniversary at Bulgaden castle in Kilmallock. It was a beautiful affair, with the couple looking radiant and surrounded by their four lovely children. I was looking at her lovely wedding dress and remembered that I had helped her do some minor alterations. Word has got round that I could sew and I was very pleased to help her.

   
   

   

   
   

   Then I heard another lady telling her friend about my chocolate cake and rhubarb crumble – desserts to die for. Another person came by and said she had heard about my garden and was quite happy when I invited her to come by to check it out. One more person asked whether I could give her children painting classes?

   
   

   I am not an expert in anything but it is nice to know that when we put effort into what we enjoy doing, there will be results. I am forever learning from the internet, from attending courses, from reading printed materials and from others. It is amazing that there is so much knowledge out there to be tapped.

   
   

   I have heard of friends who have retired and suddenly found themselves at a loss. Over time they lost the excitement of dressing up or learning more or simply making new friends. Some spend hours checking the face book, watching soap operas or playing computer games.

   
   

   Interestingly enough when I venture into new territories, I find that I also develop character. Volunteering is big in this part of the world. It is energizing and rewarding. because I engage with a diverse range of people from all backgrounds and walks of life.

   
   

   Just the other day I agreed to baby-sit three lovely children thus allowing their mother to take some time out for herself. This was a new territory in itself as I have not had young children around me for a while. Surprisingly, the hours just flew by and there was so much  laughter as the little patter of feet resounded through the whole household. Some things are just too precious - watching the little girls play house with the occupants of my dollhouse and the boy playing ball with my dog.  It was such a pleasure to be surrounded by excited voices and incessant questions that only children could create. The fact that the children enjoyed their stay made it all the more beautiful.

   
   

   And these are the small things that build up a new life.
2. Source: 
3. http://www.nst.com.my/node/17927
4. 
   

The Power of Prediction

As the 20th FIFA World Cup 2014 in Brazil winds up, with all its pulsating, adrenalin driven excitement, Fuleco, the official mascot will take a bow.

Today, 20:00 • Final

Estádio Maracanã, Rio de Janeiro

vs

Germany

Argentina

I have fond memories of absentee students and staff calling in sick during yesteryear World Cup seasons. But most of all FIFA world cup reminds me of Paul.

Paul who?

                                                       

Paul the Octopus.

Paul the Octopus (hatched in 2008, died October 2010) lived  in a tank at a Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany. Apparently he had the ability to predict the results of football matches, usually international matches in which Germany was playing. He achieved international fame with his accurate predictions in the 2010 World Cup.

Following Paul’s footsteps are five (and still counting) psychic animals – Nelly the elephant, Flopsy the kangaroo, Shaheen the camel, Madame Shiva the guinea pig, and Big Head the sea turtle.  In addition to the famous five, there are English prophesying penguins and psychic Brazilian parrots as well.

But I still think Paul is the greatest with his uncanny accuracy and I must say that of late, I bear some semblance to Paul - I seem to be able to predict exactly what will happen to me or to others in given situations.

Whether this is because of myself being more observant over the years or because the waves of predictability take on certain familiar curves, I do not know.

Take my visit to the dentist for example.

When I felt something coarse between my molars and suspected that perhaps a bit of the filling had gone amiss, the most rational thing to do would be to make an appointment with the dentist, have it checked and fill it up again.

That was what I thought initially until the gift of predicting swept over me.

Somehow I saw in my mind the dentist shaking his head and saying ‘ You must take an X-ray…I have bad news for you….You will need to do a root canal which will cost you at least at least a couple of hundred euro or have it extracted for 80 euro.’

So, when my appointment came up, I sat on the dentist’s chair and waited as he examined my teeth. As if acting on cue, the dentist said, ‘You must take an X-ray…I have bad news for you….You will need to do a root canal which will cost you at least a couple of hundred euro or have it extracted for 80 euro.’

Wow, was that strange or what, I muttered to myself.

Then on a different occasion, I saw two teenage girls walking to a car park. Again, a picture started to form in my mind. ‘What are you thinking of now?’ Michael asked.

He had become way too familiar with my zone- out facial expression.

I said from the way the two teenage girls were behaving and the way they were dressed (in a style my mother would not have approved), I predicted that they were going to the car park to meet some teenage boys sitting in a decrepit car.

As we were going to the car park ourselves, I saw that I was right. The car was even of the colour that I imagined it to be.

I would love to think that I am bestowed with Paul’s gift. But reality tells me that we have far more knowledge and sensitivity than what younger people would give us credit for. Experience helps us to understand circumstances and foresee possible conclusions. The human race faces similar challenges, albeit disguised in different clothing and that is why we are able to predict somewhat accurately most times. 

I was given a week to consider what I should do with the tainted molar. This time round I did not have to predict anything, I knew exactly what I had to do if I did not want to burn a hole in my pocket.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/12532

The Evolving Values of Society

There has never been so much debate over the use of a punctuation mark other than the Apostrophe. There is even the Apostrophe Protection Society, a UK society that has "the specific aim of preserving the correct use of this currently much abused punctuation mark". In 2009, Birmingham city council banned the use of the apostrophe on its signs. East  Stratfordshire, East Cambridgeshire and Huntingdonshire city councils have also ditched the apostrophe.

There are basic rules about the use of the apostrophe: to denote a shortened form (eg. Can’t ) and possession . (eg. The child’s toy) Apostrophes are never used to denote plurals.

When I walk down the street, I can see scores of examples of the misuse of this little punctuation. At first I was shocked, as this is an English speaking country but having seen so many mistakes made, I wonder whether the children have been taught correctly in school or whether putting apostrophes anywhere has become the rule of the thumb. It is not uncommon to see ‘CD’s sold here’,  Cheap clothes’ for sale, Menu’s to suit your taste,’ just to name a few.’ Even in the local newspaper, I see advertisements like , ‘Great food. Under 12’s eat free.’ ‘Free flowers for all the mum’s.’

Because people do not like to have their mistakes pointed out, the Apostrophe Protection Society has a carefully worded statement. ‘We are aware of the way the English language is evolving during use, and do not intend any direct criticism of those who have made mistakes, but are just reminding all writers of English text, whether on notices or in documents of any type, of the correct usage of the apostrophe should you wish to put right mistakes you may have inadvertently made.’

It is strange that something so wrong can be accepted over time either because those who know no longer bother to correct or to teach or have become confused themselves. Perhaps those who use it wrongly have convinced themselves that it is the right thing to do. This reminds me of how societal values or expectations have evolved over time. Practices that were seen as wrong in one generation are accepted in the next generation.

So who do we blame for this present state of affairs? Or is it time we see it as a wake up call and take responsibility?

Take drinking alcohol, smoking and premarital sex for instance.

One of the things I would not do is to buy alcohol or cigarettes for others from duty free shops when I travel. As I do not smoke or drink I believe that I should not encourage others to smoke or drink either. To me it is akin to, I do not subject my body to abuse, so why should I peddle such goods?

According to a News Central report in April 2010 almost half of all Irish 15 to 16-year-old teenagers have been drunk in the past 12 months. This is based on a survey carried out by a European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs and confirms that Ireland has one of the highest rates of drunkenness amongst its teenage population.

The latest edition of the Tobacco Atlas places Irish youths in the second worst tier -- with between 16pc to 29.9pc of teenage boys and girls here aged as young as 13 having already started smoking.

It is no longer surprising that chastity is seldom valued and having partners (living together) and children out of wedlock are totally acceptable. The 2011 This is Ireland Census reveals that 40022 people in 2011 compared to 29322 people in 2006 live together and have premarital sex.  

One of my married friends was at a hair salon when the topic of premarital sex cropped up. Her hairdresser expressed total shock that she did not co-habit with her husband before they were married. In another instance, I was so insulted when someone in the neighbourhood asked me whether my legally wedded husband is my lived-in partner!

Terms like sexual promiscuity is now deemed politically incorrect. One in 10 university students have contracted a sexually transmitted infection, according to a survey of 419 students attending the University of Limerick conducted between July and August 2012. More than 40% believed STIs did not pose long-term health effects and 60% were reluctant to attend a college health clinic about it. About 90% of students said they were sexually active, with 11% of males reporting sexual intimacy with other males, the respective figure for females standing at 5%. 3% of respondents believed it was impossible to become pregnant when having sex for the first time.

Indeed times have changed, and not necessarily for the better. It has been said that group think is powerful and justification is available for every integrity-compromised action.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/7540

Empty Nest or Discovery Channel?

I was juicing a melon one evening when Michael wheeled in a wheelbarrow filled with coal. Although it is summer, we had to stock up coal for the colder months to come.

I had earlier put on a CD with lovely songs and the room was awash with the hue of soft lights. Seeing him close the door behind him, I just stopped what I was doing, moved to where he was, grabbed his hands and we started to waltz, as if that was the most natural thing to do, with the wheelbarrow beside us and some chopped melon bits still in the juicer chute.

No, we don’t do this every day, but we let spontaneity in every now and then. Especially so when there are no more wailing babies demanding the next nappy change or young people catching us in an awkward embrace. All the children have left home and it is now just the two of us.

They call it the Empty Nest syndrome but I call it the Discovery Channel. Somehow the Empty Nest syndrome sounds lonely and sad especially when two people who having been married for years may as well be like two strangers in a room. Now, the Discovery Channel is different. It spells of excitement, fun and wild abandonment.

Married couples are a strange species. While they usually start off bright eyed and bushy tailed, stories abound of how there is nothing left to talk as the years roll on. With all the slogging at the office and child minding years behind them, there are no more common topics of interest. You can almost cut the silence with a knife. Along the way, the spark had diminished, trust eroded and appreciation dwindled. In some bizarre cases, spouses who could no longer stand each other, commit murder even.

Yet society, culture, religion and most of all the presence of children have decreed that the two married strangers should still live together to present themselves as a married couple to the outside world.

It is wonderful to see elderly couples looking out for each other and there is certainly no shortage of that here.

I was watching with amusement the other day when queuing for an empty cubicle in the fitting room in a Polo outlet in Kildare Village. Suddenly a senior lady opened  a cubical door to ask her senior husband what he thought of her blouse. He said ‘No, not this one.’ Then after a few minutes, she opened the door again with another blouse and he said ‘Yes, this looks very good on you.’ The relationship was symbiotic – checking for approval and giving approval or disapproval.

In another instance, an elderly man with a walking stick was looking at the display of man’s attire through the glass. Beside her was an elderly lady who held a zimmer frame.

He said, ‘I like that tie, yeah. Them ties are nice, yeah.’

She replied, ‘ Oh, sure,sure,sure. I saw one the other day at Pennys. Lovely tie. Half the price. That’s a good bargain.’

As they hobbled along, I could hear them still talking about the prices of ties. I could see there was love and kindness in their eyes for each other.

One of the inspirational quotes that has found its way into my life goes like this: I choose to live by choice, not by chance; to make changes not excuses; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinions of others.

We are what we choose to be.

Every now and then I review my choices and just the other day when I was watching ‘Disney top 30 cartoons’ with Jungle book coming up in first position as viewers’ choice, I was reminded of how my children used to re-enact the scene where Baloo the bear was dancing in the presence of the monkeys and his disguise failed him. That was hilarious. I could actually hear myself laughing along with my children.

I felt I missed my children in Malaysia terribly and Audrey said, ‘Our family structure is different but there is love.’ With the next wedding anniversary around the corner, I asked Michael whether it is nice that I am his wife and he replied,

‘Tis.’

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/2874

Life is short, So live it as it is

I am not an engineer and I am not sure how bridges are built these days. When I saw the Firth of Forth bridges in Edinburgh recently, I thought they are simply amazing. One bridge is for vehicles and the other is for trains.

I remember seeing how a bridge was constructed in my hometown many years ago and there was great excitement because it would link Batu Pahat to Muar, its neighbouring town. My father used to take me there just to watch the progress and one thing that remained in my memory was that the engineers built the bridge from both sides of the river banks, and finally the bridge ‘met’ in the middle.

The same holds true for the Sydney Harbour bridge. Work began in 1925 at Dawes Point in the south and McMahon’s Point to the north, and the construction work moved steadily inwards until it finally met in the middle five years later.

This got me thinking about friendships and relationships.

Over the course of time we make or lose friends and relations because of many factors such as distance and change. Distance can be geographical where friends move apart or psychological where they grow at a different pace mentally and socially over time and find that they do not have much in common anymore. 

Change can come in the form of a change in ideology or beliefs which separate even the best of friends or relations. Change can happen in family structures through birth, death, remarriage or adoption.

While reconciliation is the best when there are rifts, like the building of bridges it takes both parties to work hard at it. It takes a saint to continue holding out the olive branch  when it is  one-way but it takes a wise person to know when you have tried your best and others are still very cold towards you, then it is time to let go.

I like the quote by Socrates that goes, ‘The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.’

There are people who hurt us through mean words, body language or actions consciously or unconsciously. These are the ‘old’ things that tear two people who love each other apart or create fodder for misunderstandings and disagreements.

But there are people who love us too, consciously or unconsciously. They encourage us with their words, their actions and their presence. They encourage us when they think about us or when they include us in their daily happenings. These are the ‘new’ things that build rather than destroy.

When the MH 370 went missing, good friends in Ireland, gave me all their support and never ceased to be concerned. They even followed the news closely and informed me of the latest developments just in case I missed out on any. They showed they cared by enquiring about it or sharing their heartfelt condolences with me. It was my country’s grief which was also my personal grief.

When we had a Malaysian cultural night in the University of Limerick last year, so many of my friends and relatives went. It certainly was not easy to go out in the cold for a night event,  totally alien to them and well out of the way for some. But they went and by that action, I could feel the love.

Then recently, I was really touched when my stepson’s fiancee told me she would show me some pictures of the wedding gowns that she has seen. I see that as a conscious act of sharing. I feel that as a conscious move of love and inclusion. I recognise that as a conscious step of respect which is so important to Asians especially.  She could have chosen not to do so, but she did. It is like my own daughter getting married and sharing her plans with her mother. To me, that speaks volumes.

My basis of ‘living life as it is’ has been my mantra. I cannot expect everyone to love me or to accept me, warts and all. I cannot solve their problems, their grievances, their envy or their hang-ups but I can concentrate on what is good and what I want my life with my husband and children to be. I can choose to absorb their negativity and  poison my soul or I can refuse to let that influence or overpower the inner joy and contentment that I have with myself, my husband and my family.

To me, life is very short and to live life is my gain.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/life-is-short-so-live-it-as-it-is-1.609107?cache=03d163d03edding-pred-1.1176%2F%3Fpfpentwa%3Fkey%3Dkuala+lumpur%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0