3 Words that Kill a Conversaton

When I was in teaching practice my mentor gave me one tip that I found very useful – Do not let any student get into the habit of saying ‘I don’t know’ every time you ask a question. Thus,  I would usually make a list of things that the students should do or not do, the first time I enter a class at the beginning of a semester. Among the items listed is ‘Avoid using “I don’t know” immediately when asked a question. Think first.’

Ingesting the tip, I found myself learning to avoid the words ‘I don’t know’ as a convenient way out of a conversation

When we genuinely do not know something, it is then most noble to say that we do not know. We should go and find out more about it and not just remain in the state of ignorance.

However, I find that saying ‘I don’t know’ may actually be a habit that we have picked up along the way. Perception plays a huge part in a conversation. Once these three words are used often enough, the person is perceived as ‘not interested’ or ‘too lazy to think’. So, if that is an automatic response, than we cannot blame others when they think that we are so dull that they have nothing to talk to us about. After all, what is the point of asking us anything if the answer that comes up often enough is ‘I don’t know’. These words are a conversation killer.

Habits start once we are accustomed to it . It usually takes someone else to  point them out.

A web search on why people fall into the habit of saying ‘I don’t know’ is because of apathy. It is easier to slide into the familiar rather than having to wreck our brains to search for answers or possibilities that we might know something remotely connected to what is being asked. Or we are just not interested in getting deeper into topics that are new or that we do not find engaging.

Perhaps we have learnt this habit in our childhood. When asked a question in the classroom it is easy to say ‘I don’t know Sir’ and hope that someone else will answer it. Perhaps we have learnt it in our adulthood where it is easier to blend in with the crowd by feigning ignorance then to be seen as Mr Smarty Pants who knows all the answers. Perhaps it has become a conversation filler, because we do not really know what to say in moments of silence, so we just use these words again and again.

As in every habit learned there are ways to unlearn it. WikiHow renders simple steps to overcome this conversation killer.

Firstly, it is important to admit to the fact that it is a bad habit to respond to another person with an automatic ‘I don’t know’. Once we see the problem as it is, then we note down how many times we use these three words in a day or in a week. When we write down the number of times we do it in a notebook, we become more aware of the habit. This conscious effort of observation informs the brain that this habit has gone on for too long and we are doing something about it.

The next step is to listen carefully before replying. To ‘train’ the brain to react differently, use other replacement phrases like ‘I’m not quite sure, but I’ll look into it..’ , ‘maybe’, ‘that’s possible’ or something that will make us think for a second.

Ask questions so that we can have a better idea of the subject matter and we can see how we can contribute to the discussion. We can also buy time to mull over the matter by saying ‘I’m not very sure but I’ll get back to you on this’. At least in that way, the conversation partner will know that we have actively listened instead of just blurting out the habitual response.

Finally, persistence triumphs in the end. As in any habit, it takes time to break one.

Source: The New Straits Times - http://www.nst.com.my/node/35588

Life's Scrapbook Through Storytelling

I picked up scrap booking as a hobby not too long ago when a good friend showed me how to put memories together on paper. If anything, I get to create pages that tell stories. Stories of celebrations and milestones achieved. Stories of my life intertwined with that of others.

Ireland is famed for the art of storytelling. The seancaithe and scéalaí, (the Tradition Bearers and Storytellers), passed the old stories down through the generations.

Ancient Celtic culture also had its own form of scrap booking. The history and laws of the people were not written down but memorized in long lyric poems which were recited by bards.

When Michael and I received complimentary tickets to The River, we were all thrilled to bits. Not only do we like plays but the fact that it was staged on board a 90 foot Dutch Barge in Custom House Quay located at the back of The Hunt Museum in Limerick gave it an added charm.

We were there on time. We were among strangers and friends as the performer entertained us with stories and memories of real people about the River Shannon as it flows through Limerick.

It was not any ordinary story teller but award winning playwright Helena Enright who wrote and performed this multi-sensory theatrical experience using verbatim first hand testimony. The River Shannon plays an integral part in the folklore and literature of Ireland and Helena collected stories about how much it featured  in the lives of the people in Limerick – stories of life, death and hope. Directed by Ciarda Tobin, this was performed in conjunction with the Limerick City of Culture 2014 celebrations.

I thought she was very brave to stage a play on a barge. With such a venue, there were safety regulations to be adhered to. Having to don life-jackets before entering the barge added to the excitement.

We do it all the time. When we hear a good story, we will tell someone about it. Or for us who cannot live without facebook, we click share and make a good story public fodder. Well and good if the story is about someone else, fiction or non-fiction, home or abroad.

This time round however one of the stories in The River is ours. (Michael and myself)

When the call for stories for the event was published, I put a small fraction of our lives on paper and submitted it. The next thing I knew it was selected and Helena came over to our house to interview me.

For me it was a total reversal of roles. In the process of interviewing other people for my articles. I was usually the one holding up the microphone to someone else and then transcribing the recording. So it was quite an experience hearing my own voice being recorded.

Having told our story and seeing it being performed was something else. There was this nagging anxiety: How would my friends and relatives react to the performance?

I need not have worried because in the hands of a professional, the stories were woven together seamlessly like an intricate piece of tapestry. Helena captured the essence of the stories by giving them a voice rich in nuances and complete with local flavour.

There were sights and sounds that accompanied the narration of stories as well.  When it came to the part where I wrote ‘ As I watched the ducks waddling on the river bank making webbed imprints in the mud, I knew that Michael had made imprints on my heart’…there were computer generated images of webbed prints projected on the ‘wall’ of the barge. I thought that was very well done.

To me it is a privilege and an honour. It is a reminder of how things do not happen randomly but that we are part of a bigger plan and second chances. Memories fill our personal scrap books and The River is our cherished keepsake.

** Watch The River online at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTvbGVMQVhI
The play starts at 1:25:12. Our story (1st half) is at 1:56:40 and the conclusion (2nd half) is at 2:21:25. Hope you'll enjoy it as much as we did. **

Source: The New Straits Times, 7 Sept 2014..........http://www.nst.com.my/node/30791

A tale of two Castles

I

If I were to wake up one morning and say, hey, I would go buy a castle, no one would believe me. For a start it takes a lot of money to buy one. And even if the owner is desperate enough to make a cheap and quick sale, chances are it will also cost a lot to restore it.

Well, Jeremy Irons bought a castle in West Cork  and out of curiosity more than anything else, I went to St Mary’s Cathedral in Limerick to listen to his presentation on the restoration of his 15^th century Kilcoe castle. This was in conjunction with 'Limerick City's Georgian Buildings and Streets' weekend of traditional Building Skills demonstrations and conservation talks.

I was not disappointed. 

Jeremy Iron’s deep and rich voice brought life to the many slides on how he purchased the castle and restored it. For someone who knows nothing about architecture except to admire it, I was immensely taken in by all the renovation works which spanned a total of six years. There was meticulous building and rebuilding of parts to meet perfection that one workman was said to have lamented, ‘When you work for an actor, there are too many rehearsals’.

The word castle is derived from the Latin word castellum which is a diminutive of the word castrum, meaning "fortified place". In medieval times, a castle served as a haven for soldiers during attacks, thus enabling small armies to defend themselves against larger armies.

Castles are impressive symbols of prestige and power. Castles are imposing and we gape at the magnitude and the opulence often associated with them. Kings used them to exert control over regions they thought to be hostile Aristocrats used them to display their status.

It is a given that kings and queens live in castles but to actually go out and buy one? Or better still, seek out one who inherits big castles and work towards seducing them into marriage.

So with my mind saturated with images of castles, I then attended another talk about a different kind of castle.

This time round it was by Alan Graham from Belfast. Alan, together with his wife Dorothy has established Zimbabwe Orphan Care (ZOC) to help care for some of the 800,000 orphans who live in Zimbabwe.

Sensing the immense need, Alan and Dorothy bought a site in  Harare, the capital of Zimbabwe in 2008. On it, they developed an orphanage called Jabulani for 14 children who would call it their home. Jabulani is a Zulu word meaning rejoice.

Metaphorically, I would call Jabulani the children’s castle. In this case, the castle is the children’s place of refuge. It is a place where they can be safe and wanted.

As Alan was narrating his experiences, one particular account struck a chord in my heart.

There was a time when sewage pipes were clogged up and workmen were called in to solve the problem. The reason for the blockage was a ghastly discovery of over 20 foetuses, possibly aborted. Thousands of babies were literally ‘thrown away’ by teenage mothers because of rape, often by AIDS victims.

I can’t help but think of the castle in West Cork and the castle in Harare.

Both are beautiful and located in a faraway place. The one in West Cork houses a family of four against a background of soft carpets, beautiful furniture, collectibles from distant lands ….lit by ornate lamps and chandeliers. The one in Harare houses 14 children (and possibly more to come ) and dedicated caregivers against a possibility for a great education, love and a meaningful life… lit by a vision of hope.

When I think of buying a castle, the question is, what will my motive be?

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/26176

To Thy Ownself Be True

I ENJOY doing online tests on trivial topics such as “what kind of classic actress are you?”, “what kind of car best represents you?”, “what kind of dessert are you?” and so on. Somehow, the answers are relatively accurate and these tests are interesting tools for me to have a rough gauge about who I am — extrovert, introvert or ambivert, among many other traits. 

The extrovert relishes social life, and is energised by interacting with friends and strangers alike. Extroverts are people who can be warm and funny. They also enjoy centre-stage attention and they are charming and good company. 

The introvert, on the other hand, prefers one-on-one relationships. Given the choice, she will devote her social energy to the people she cares about most, preferring the company of close friends to a room of acquaintances or strangers. She thinks before she speaks and relishes solitude. She feels energised when she focuses on a subject or activity that interests her. Her inner life is active and she is at her best when she taps into its storehouse. She immerses herself in writing and she is a good listener. She works best alone. 

However, no one is a pure extrovert or introvert and we are all somewhere along the continuum. The ambivert is smack right in the middle and she has the best of both worlds. She is moderately comfortable with groups and social interaction, but also relishes time alone, away from a crowd. 

For me, the introvert-extrovert personality traits manifest themselves according to the company that we keep. 

For example, if I am among friends, I am more of the introvert. Discussions are two-way, meaningful and informed. 

I know that there is a safe ground where I can listen and where I can share and people are genuinely interested in my opinions or my life. I know I can be a friend to another or a shoulder to cry on for someone. 

I just had a lovely house guest whom I had not met for the last three decades. We were from the same university and we were also housemates once. When she went home, she left me a card with these words: “We are friends beyond boundaries, beyond time, beyond words… Thank you for the two weeks of Irish experience and most of all for the love and sincerity of friendship.” 

I am the introvert when I am relaxed and enjoying “me-time”. I like to think over things, try to find solutions and write about my experiences. I will make gifts for people that I care about for no reason at all, just to appreciate them and make arrangements to meet up with them. People feel special when I remember important dates like their birthdays or the festivals that they celebrate. 

 However, when I am a hostess, the extrovert takes over. I like to invite friends over for coffee and cake. I go out of the way to include my guests to make them feel comfortable. I try to make sure that no one is left out. If I am conducting a workshop or seminar, I try to make it as lively and as interesting as possible, engaging my audience in all possible ways, so they do not fall asleep. 

When I am teaching, I try to make the classroom a more relational rather than a talk-down experience. When I am at a top-level meeting, I participate. 

The heart of human nature is to know who you are — what you are comfortable with and what you are not. The added challenge is how to let others know how we feel, especially when they have overstepped their boundaries or encroach into our space. 

Occasionally, we have to make allowances and put up with people that we do not enjoy being with or situations that make us feel bored or uncomfortable but this should be the exception, not the norm. 

If we are always battling ourselves because of another’s expectations or otherwise, we deplete ourselves. Conversely, when we make choices that are congruent with ourselves, we unleash life. 

 Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/21773

The Rewards of Reinventing the Familiar

1. 

   There was once a buzz word called reinventing. It became such a cliché  that I would hear it every time I attended a conference. Yes, we have reinventing the wheel, reinventing the steel, reinventing the business model and reinventing yourself.

   
   

   Everyone was jumping on the bandwagon and the over usage of the idea bored me to smithereens. One of my bosses even said he had to reinvent himself so he would be ‘useful’ to the new leadership. I am not sure whether that was clever or hypocritical.

   
   

   Before I knew it I found myself actually living out the process of reinventing myself, not to chalk up a longer resume or to impress anyone, but rather getting to know what I can do besides teaching.

   
   

   Reinventing involves change.

   
   

   For some people it is a drastic swing from what they were familiar with, to something completely new. Reinvention gurus say that the first step is to have a game plan. A timid person may want to go all out to be an orator and therefore the first step is for him to enrol for a public speaking course.

   

   
   

   For me, reinventing myself is building on what I already know or have, so that I can find great satisfaction in those fields. It is not based on a schedule within a time frame with goals to be achieved. Rather it is a free and easy type of reinventing, with me engaging in new things and taking stock of life experiences.

   
   

   Having left the active workforce four years ago I knew that I would be spending the bulk of my time at home and not in the office. So, the game plan is to be able to enjoy the new found time to the utmost – productively, but not in the sense of reaping in loads of money.

   
   

   

   
   

   Recently I attended my friends’ tenth wedding anniversary at Bulgaden castle in Kilmallock. It was a beautiful affair, with the couple looking radiant and surrounded by their four lovely children. I was looking at her lovely wedding dress and remembered that I had helped her do some minor alterations. Word has got round that I could sew and I was very pleased to help her.

   
   

   

   
   

   Then I heard another lady telling her friend about my chocolate cake and rhubarb crumble – desserts to die for. Another person came by and said she had heard about my garden and was quite happy when I invited her to come by to check it out. One more person asked whether I could give her children painting classes?

   
   

   I am not an expert in anything but it is nice to know that when we put effort into what we enjoy doing, there will be results. I am forever learning from the internet, from attending courses, from reading printed materials and from others. It is amazing that there is so much knowledge out there to be tapped.

   
   

   I have heard of friends who have retired and suddenly found themselves at a loss. Over time they lost the excitement of dressing up or learning more or simply making new friends. Some spend hours checking the face book, watching soap operas or playing computer games.

   
   

   Interestingly enough when I venture into new territories, I find that I also develop character. Volunteering is big in this part of the world. It is energizing and rewarding. because I engage with a diverse range of people from all backgrounds and walks of life.

   
   

   Just the other day I agreed to baby-sit three lovely children thus allowing their mother to take some time out for herself. This was a new territory in itself as I have not had young children around me for a while. Surprisingly, the hours just flew by and there was so much  laughter as the little patter of feet resounded through the whole household. Some things are just too precious - watching the little girls play house with the occupants of my dollhouse and the boy playing ball with my dog.  It was such a pleasure to be surrounded by excited voices and incessant questions that only children could create. The fact that the children enjoyed their stay made it all the more beautiful.

   
   

   And these are the small things that build up a new life.
2. Source: 
3. http://www.nst.com.my/node/17927
4. 
   

The Power of Prediction

As the 20th FIFA World Cup 2014 in Brazil winds up, with all its pulsating, adrenalin driven excitement, Fuleco, the official mascot will take a bow.

Today, 20:00 • Final

Estádio Maracanã, Rio de Janeiro

vs

Germany

Argentina

I have fond memories of absentee students and staff calling in sick during yesteryear World Cup seasons. But most of all FIFA world cup reminds me of Paul.

Paul who?

                                                       

Paul the Octopus.

Paul the Octopus (hatched in 2008, died October 2010) lived  in a tank at a Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany. Apparently he had the ability to predict the results of football matches, usually international matches in which Germany was playing. He achieved international fame with his accurate predictions in the 2010 World Cup.

Following Paul’s footsteps are five (and still counting) psychic animals – Nelly the elephant, Flopsy the kangaroo, Shaheen the camel, Madame Shiva the guinea pig, and Big Head the sea turtle.  In addition to the famous five, there are English prophesying penguins and psychic Brazilian parrots as well.

But I still think Paul is the greatest with his uncanny accuracy and I must say that of late, I bear some semblance to Paul - I seem to be able to predict exactly what will happen to me or to others in given situations.

Whether this is because of myself being more observant over the years or because the waves of predictability take on certain familiar curves, I do not know.

Take my visit to the dentist for example.

When I felt something coarse between my molars and suspected that perhaps a bit of the filling had gone amiss, the most rational thing to do would be to make an appointment with the dentist, have it checked and fill it up again.

That was what I thought initially until the gift of predicting swept over me.

Somehow I saw in my mind the dentist shaking his head and saying ‘ You must take an X-ray…I have bad news for you….You will need to do a root canal which will cost you at least at least a couple of hundred euro or have it extracted for 80 euro.’

So, when my appointment came up, I sat on the dentist’s chair and waited as he examined my teeth. As if acting on cue, the dentist said, ‘You must take an X-ray…I have bad news for you….You will need to do a root canal which will cost you at least a couple of hundred euro or have it extracted for 80 euro.’

Wow, was that strange or what, I muttered to myself.

Then on a different occasion, I saw two teenage girls walking to a car park. Again, a picture started to form in my mind. ‘What are you thinking of now?’ Michael asked.

He had become way too familiar with my zone- out facial expression.

I said from the way the two teenage girls were behaving and the way they were dressed (in a style my mother would not have approved), I predicted that they were going to the car park to meet some teenage boys sitting in a decrepit car.

As we were going to the car park ourselves, I saw that I was right. The car was even of the colour that I imagined it to be.

I would love to think that I am bestowed with Paul’s gift. But reality tells me that we have far more knowledge and sensitivity than what younger people would give us credit for. Experience helps us to understand circumstances and foresee possible conclusions. The human race faces similar challenges, albeit disguised in different clothing and that is why we are able to predict somewhat accurately most times. 

I was given a week to consider what I should do with the tainted molar. This time round I did not have to predict anything, I knew exactly what I had to do if I did not want to burn a hole in my pocket.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/12532

The Evolving Values of Society

There has never been so much debate over the use of a punctuation mark other than the Apostrophe. There is even the Apostrophe Protection Society, a UK society that has "the specific aim of preserving the correct use of this currently much abused punctuation mark". In 2009, Birmingham city council banned the use of the apostrophe on its signs. East  Stratfordshire, East Cambridgeshire and Huntingdonshire city councils have also ditched the apostrophe.

There are basic rules about the use of the apostrophe: to denote a shortened form (eg. Can’t ) and possession . (eg. The child’s toy) Apostrophes are never used to denote plurals.

When I walk down the street, I can see scores of examples of the misuse of this little punctuation. At first I was shocked, as this is an English speaking country but having seen so many mistakes made, I wonder whether the children have been taught correctly in school or whether putting apostrophes anywhere has become the rule of the thumb. It is not uncommon to see ‘CD’s sold here’,  Cheap clothes’ for sale, Menu’s to suit your taste,’ just to name a few.’ Even in the local newspaper, I see advertisements like , ‘Great food. Under 12’s eat free.’ ‘Free flowers for all the mum’s.’

Because people do not like to have their mistakes pointed out, the Apostrophe Protection Society has a carefully worded statement. ‘We are aware of the way the English language is evolving during use, and do not intend any direct criticism of those who have made mistakes, but are just reminding all writers of English text, whether on notices or in documents of any type, of the correct usage of the apostrophe should you wish to put right mistakes you may have inadvertently made.’

It is strange that something so wrong can be accepted over time either because those who know no longer bother to correct or to teach or have become confused themselves. Perhaps those who use it wrongly have convinced themselves that it is the right thing to do. This reminds me of how societal values or expectations have evolved over time. Practices that were seen as wrong in one generation are accepted in the next generation.

So who do we blame for this present state of affairs? Or is it time we see it as a wake up call and take responsibility?

Take drinking alcohol, smoking and premarital sex for instance.

One of the things I would not do is to buy alcohol or cigarettes for others from duty free shops when I travel. As I do not smoke or drink I believe that I should not encourage others to smoke or drink either. To me it is akin to, I do not subject my body to abuse, so why should I peddle such goods?

According to a News Central report in April 2010 almost half of all Irish 15 to 16-year-old teenagers have been drunk in the past 12 months. This is based on a survey carried out by a European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs and confirms that Ireland has one of the highest rates of drunkenness amongst its teenage population.

The latest edition of the Tobacco Atlas places Irish youths in the second worst tier -- with between 16pc to 29.9pc of teenage boys and girls here aged as young as 13 having already started smoking.

It is no longer surprising that chastity is seldom valued and having partners (living together) and children out of wedlock are totally acceptable. The 2011 This is Ireland Census reveals that 40022 people in 2011 compared to 29322 people in 2006 live together and have premarital sex.  

One of my married friends was at a hair salon when the topic of premarital sex cropped up. Her hairdresser expressed total shock that she did not co-habit with her husband before they were married. In another instance, I was so insulted when someone in the neighbourhood asked me whether my legally wedded husband is my lived-in partner!

Terms like sexual promiscuity is now deemed politically incorrect. One in 10 university students have contracted a sexually transmitted infection, according to a survey of 419 students attending the University of Limerick conducted between July and August 2012. More than 40% believed STIs did not pose long-term health effects and 60% were reluctant to attend a college health clinic about it. About 90% of students said they were sexually active, with 11% of males reporting sexual intimacy with other males, the respective figure for females standing at 5%. 3% of respondents believed it was impossible to become pregnant when having sex for the first time.

Indeed times have changed, and not necessarily for the better. It has been said that group think is powerful and justification is available for every integrity-compromised action.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/7540