Being a mum is a gift

In conjunction with Mother's Day, I was asked to share my experiences on raising three children...

1. How would you describe your relationship with your children? What was it like when they were young?

Very good, I have three - Sonya, Samuel and Audrey. Being a mum is a gift. it surpasses accolades and distinctions, and material success. It is not to be taken for granted. From that perspective, I treasure my chidren even more. The more we sow, the more we reap. Even when the babies were in the womb, I wanted them to have the best.

I went for piano lessons so that the foetuses could hear music. Since I enjoy craft, I sewed baby clothes, bassinet bedding and such. I also believe strongly in breastfeeding. Being a working mum, it was no easy task. I remember carrying all the paraphernalia (breast pump and bottles for example) to work so that I could give my children, mother's milk.

Every child is like a sponge. At 18 months, I taught my children to read using Glenn Doman's flash card concept. I made the flash cards myself as the kit was expensive. All three children could identify words at that age and went on to read the Peter and Jane series.

Music is food for the soul. Since I never had the opportunity to learn to play musical instruments as a child, I wanted my children to do so. The trio pursued the Yamaha Junior Music Course, and they have perfect pitch (they could identify any note) and can compose. I sat with them in class, enjoying all the clapping and singing. Later on, when they took piano lessons based on the Associated Board of the Royal Schools of Music, I refrained from reminding them to 'practise, practise' - something that children loathe to hear.

Instead we held mock concerts at home, where they had to perform music pieces among themselves. I rewarded them with 'mock trophies' with their names on them to celebrate the occasions.

Discipline is another aspect that parents have to deal with. Except for the occasional defiance, my children do listen to reason. 

When they were young, I collected cockleshells and spray painted them in gold. For good behaviour or for finishing chores, each child would be rewarded with a number of shells.

There was a chart on the fridge where the child could see how many shells he or she would need to redeem a chocolate bar, for example. I have not had a maid since Audrey turned seven, so the kids had to divide the chores among themselves. This gave them a sense of responsibility and independence.

Being involved in their television viewing was fun. Ask me about Sesame Street and who sang Octopus's Garden and I can still remember the details.Children like to watch their favourite cartoons over and over again. I had to sit with all three most of the time until I know the number of toes Kermit the Frog has.

Being an educator, I know studies are important. Strangely, I am not the type who enrolls my children for tuition. Public exam years would be given priority if the child needs tuition. Otherwise, I encourage them to pay attention in class and study on their own. School projects were always fun. We would brainstorm for ideas because they know mummy is creative. 

For show-and-tell, they have brought almost all their pets to school - from a guinea pig and an iguana to a hedgehog-until one teacher commented we must have a zoo at home.

 

As I never had a pet growing up in a town house, animals are always welcome at my home.

When all is said and done, teaching children about God and values, and seeing them experience the faith themselves is the best part of bonding. I would read storybooks to my children before they sleep and make sure they attend Sunday School and Youth Church. I encourage them to question and to be critical. I tell them it is all right to be creative, different and fun and not to follow the herd mentality.

2. What difficulties do you face in raising young adults? Do you have frank discussions with your children about everything?

Since I've been involved in their lives from day one, from the tying of shoelaces to tucking them in to sleep, any difficulty has a solution. I've worked hard and managed to save enough to see them through their education. Education is my gift to them. When they start work, they will have to learn to be independent and love their mum.

Discussions are a must. I've received handmade cards from them which said, 'Mum, whatever you decide, we are with you.' We talk about everything, including boyfriends, girlfriends and sex. Sometimes my son teases me about sex-related matters. They also let me read their blogs. I can feel their angst and their joy.

All my children are different from each other. My eldest knew she wanted to be a doctor at seven. She asked for a microscope instead of a Barbie doll. My second child is a hands-on person, so I know he'll make a great manager. The youngest has a flair for languages, is outspoken and is a people person. So the public arena is for her. I don't pigeonhole my children as a doctor, lawyer or accountant. We discuss what they want to be and if a mum has been there for them, she'll know their inclinations and encourage them to pursue their interests.

3. What are the things that you do together now?

We still go for movies, vacations and church activities. We do college projects together if they still need my input and of course shopping and dining are favourite pastimes. We share clothes and accessories too. Celebrating birthdays is top priority. I used to bake birthday cakes and put icing on them. But recently they've started to make their own cakes. To me, they'll always occupy a huge part of my heart.

Source : New Straits Times

Honeymoon, Negotiation, Adaptation, Mastery

It is not every day that dolphins come to town.

Well, they did. Sometime last month, three bottle-nosed dolphins decided to leave their regular habitat in the Shannon Estuary and swam towards the Ratty River in Bunratty, a bustling tourist area in Ireland. Their dramatic abandonment of a safe, saline environment towards a new and fresh water area caused both amazement and concern, judging from the flock of people who gathered there to watch them. While most of the audience comprised of the curious and the caring, there were also reports of young people throwing stones and other missiles at them.

I thought the dolphin story was somewhat similar to a situation when we find ourselves not quite on home ground and trying to adapt. I have just conducted a sharing session on achieving your dreams and studying abroad in a secondary school. Leaving home is a big step and going overseas for work or studies can be a daunting experience indeed.

In the process of experiencing culture shock and adaptation, we go through different phases. Being thousands of miles away from home, researchers agree that adaptation evolves through four stages: the honeymoon stage, the negotiation stage, the adaptation stage and the mastery stage. But of course, there are some who get stuck in a particular stage and remain there.

The honeymoon stage, as the term suggests, is of course exciting, as we drink in the new sights and sounds. If we are avid readers, now is the time to actually see the things that we have read about... snow-capped mountains, idyllic meadows dotted with frisky lambs, pastries at the boulangerie, clothes billowing in the wind, the quintessential bobby complete with truncheon and chimneys puffing.

We stride out in our coats and hats, woollen scarves and mittens and, not forgetting, knee high leather boots, just like they do in fashion magazines. The smell of freedom certainly goads us on to do the creative things that we would never have dared to do at home because, after all, no one knows us in this new land.

The negotiation stage is the stage where reality begins to hit home. It is when we begin to miss the sun that we have taken for granted. We seek out our favourite foods only to find that a decent plate of nasi lemak at a Malaysian restaurant costs 9 euro (RM36). When we get sick, there is no mother around to bring us a bowl of piping hot chicken soup. Although we speak English, we find that shopkeepers have difficulty understanding us because our stresses and accents are in different places. Shopping malls and eating squares that open late into the night are as scarce as hen's teeth.

This stage is worsened by bad experiences. We may be subjected to exclusion where we are regarded as "blow-ins", basically not people of the land. We may also suffer incidents of bullying, racist attacks or comments. Perhaps the most common experience is that ethics, morals and manners all seem to be so different: examples being the legislation of same-sex marriages, the normalcy and frequency of children born out of wedlock and live-in partners instead of the husband and wife union.

For us who honour and respect our elders (even if we think we are right and they are wrong), we are shocked to see adult children lashing out at their parents, calling their parents names and hurling accusations at them. For us who render respectful titles to anyone older than us (relative, friend or stranger) are shocked when children in the host country call adults by their first names, even if the adult is 99 years old.

The adjustment stage kicks in when we learn how to deal with the people around us: their customs, their body language and their expectations. It is at this stage that some of us may retreat into our ghettos where we gravitate towards people from our own country and others may go to the other extreme of being totally like the people in the host country.

Finally, the mastery stage is when we are able to recognise and assimilate the good practices and values of the host country. At the same time, we are proud of who we are -- our Asian heritage and the values and ethics that our parents , teachers and elders have taught us.

So, back to the story of the dolphins which got me started on this article.

Although preparations were made to help the dolphins go back to where they came from, officials from the Irish Whale and Dolphin Group (IWDG) and the National Parks and Wildlife Service (NPWS) who spent some time monitoring the mammals decided to leave them there for now as they looked healthy and appeared to be feeding well.

Maybe, they had reached the mastery stage.

Source: Columnist - New Straits Times
http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/honeymoon-negotiation-adaptation-mastery-1.281768?cache=%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.170209%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.320411%2F7.324263

A LOVE THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS

NEXT Sunday is Mothers Day. Now, that is one good reason to send a card, buy a present, visit or call that special lady who has sacrificed much for us.

In Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II, Juliet says, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet..." I find this so appropriate, especially when I am a mother. Call me mum, momma, mumsie or any affectionate title, the name will just be as sweet.

It is a journey of choice for me to have three children, a journey with no prescribed handbook and no predestined dock to anchor. A mother's role is never done. Even as the three are well into adulthood, I am still sailing, so to speak, through calm waters and through storms, trusting that when I turn the rudder of the ship, it will be in the right direction.

A recent research carried out by Tesco mobile shows that the average mother around the country performs tasks from 12 different occupations during their day-to-day work, from cleaner (82 per cent) to counsellor (73 per cent). In fact, 76 per cent of mothers perform the duties of chef, 77 per cent are stock controllers ensuring the cupboard does not go empty, 60 per cent take on the role of travel agent in the stressful task or organising a family holiday, and the list goes on.

If I can say that worrying is a task, then I am sure the job of "official worrier" will top a mother's list. From the moment a child is born, we worry. We can hide our worries under different facades -- being the cool mum, the detached mum, the professional mum -- but deep down, we still worry. We worry when they catch a fever, when they misbehave, when they do badly in school, when they are unemployed, when they are employed, when they marry and when they have children of their own.

Worrying is exacerbated by separation.

If we could have our way, we would want our children to be near us even when they are all grown up and working, with families of their own. Because I live 10,971km away from Malaysia, a hiccup in the lives of my children in Malaysia becomes a tsunami by the time it reaches me. Even with Facebook, phone calls, text messages and email, it is not the same as hearing the voices of your children talking to you, sharing their joys and their pain. My bedroom in Malaysia was also my office and my children would come in and out just to talk to me, from the silliest stuff to the most serious.

I made it a point to immediately put down whatever I was doing on the computer as soon as a child sat on my bed and said, "Mom, you know what?..." It became a habit and they continued to do it well into their adult years. Sometimes when they were too busy, I would go into their rooms instead to listen to them. My son's room had luminous star stickers all over the ceiling and it was always very special to lie down on the bed, look at all the stars shining down on us and talk. New mothers usually document their babies' milestones -- the first step, the first word.

But, to me, everyday brings new milestones. Separation is missing out on those milestones. Even for myself, sometimes I wish my mother were here to share with me her wisdom and advise me on how to negotiate the bends in my life.

I believe in authoritative parenting skills and I am not afraid to correct or voice my displeasure over rude or out of line character, whatever the age of the child. I believe in giving my children a great start in life by teaching them independence and accountability.

Having said that, I also believe in affirmation. It is never out of place to tell a child what he means to you under any circumstance, even if he has done a great wrong. To me, it is the deed that is wrong, but my love for the child does not change and he must know that.

I remember I posted a random picture on my daughter's Facebook "My daughter is super awesome and I'm the lucky one who gets to be her momma" and she replied "lawl, so ghetto-sounding momma" and that really made me laugh.

In Ireland, Mothers Day is celebrated on March 10, so I get to celebrate it twice a year. It is not exactly the same thing when you do not have all the children with you but I will have to settle for that till the time comes when we can all be together again.

Read more: A love that knows no bounds - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/a-love-that-knows-no-bounds-1.271554#ixzz2SP00xAaW

Buds of Spring and the Fading Glory

When I was a child, I loved to walk with my mother because she was the embodiment of what a wonderful mother should be – nurturing, encouraging and supportive. But most of all I felt proud because she looked young for her age and friends and strangers would always admire her and the secret to her youthful countenance was well kept. She would sometimes fear the day when she would look very old and she told me she intended to hide away in a small town so that people would always  remember her as the one who had consumed the elixir of youth.

Wrinkles and sagging skin are not welcomed friends but like it or not, they are here to stay. Since the beginning of time the race against ageing and the effects of gravity on the body seem to preoccupy the human brain. This has resulted in the widespread use of  miracle creams, botox, quick-fix formulas and cosmetic surgery when we are no longer comfortable in our own skin.

I overheard a man who had just turned 40 lamenting that the end of his youth had arrived and I wondered how he would react when he turned 50. The last time I was in Kuala Lumpur, I was amused to see that the young were everywhere – in the shopping malls, amusement parks, on the roads and in colleges. I wondered what happened to the not-so-young and the responses to my query were: the not so young were out working hard for the young or were staying at home minding the children of the young.

Having lived in the Irish countryside for a while now I find that the demographic profile is certainly very different. We have young parents, school children and a huge matured crowd of people within the age range of 40 – 99. The interesting thing is that there is a plethora of  activities and clubs that cater for the more matured crowd. There are singing, acting, voice training and painting classes. There are clubs for trekking, knitting, sewing, cooking and reading. Then there are ladies clubs that organise movie trips and outings while the men go fishing.

As women have the tendency to outlive men, I see elderly ladies hobbling along to supermarkets and to parks all very independently with minds as sound as a bell. Every time I talk to them I am amazed at their memory power and their keenness for details! The men who have retired offer their services in the DIY department for a fee. So it is not surprising to see a former fireman turn chimney sweep and a former manager turn electrician.

So why are we upset about the ageing process when it happens the moment we are born?

One of the first instances when we realise that we have crossed over to the more senior side is when others start calling us uncle or aunty or mak cik or pak cik. It is when our nieces and nephews have shot up and we seem to have shrunk in comparison.

Sure, it is a nuisance to have to constantly touch up the annoying grey hair roots. It is unpleasant to have diminished eyesight, aches and pains and  temporary amnesia which we call ‘senior moments’. It is embarrassing to not being able to find the things that you could have sworn you did keep them safely away. It’s all a bit sad, isn’t it?

Hilary Clinton in dealing with ageing says, ‘ I feel so  relieved to be at the stage I’m at in my life right now. Because you know if I want to wear my glasses I’m wearing my glasses. If I want to wear my hair back I’m pulling my hair back. You know at some point it’s just not something that deserves a lot of time and attention. And if others want to worry about it, I let them do the worrying for a change.’

We can learn much from the seasons. Winter is almost gone now and the buds of spring are starting to show. Ageing is like winter, another season of our lives. Ageing in the wisdom of our experiences and achievements is an earned privilege which is more than a glowing complexion or a body that makes heads turn. It is waking up knowing that despite an increasing waist line or droopy bat wings, I am still alive and  my brain is ticking.

And as I celebrate my birthday next week I know this is the springtime of my life.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/buds-of-spring-and-the-fading-glory-1.260462

The rewards of delayed gratification

For the whole of March, I enjoyed looking at the confectionery aisle in any supermarket. Why? Because the shelves were literally filled with chocolate bunnies, chocolate chicks and chocolate eggs in anticipation of the mad rush to purchase them for the Easter celebration. There were chocolate eggs of various sizes, all prettily wrapped in foil. Some were filled with marzipan or crème. I could not take my eyes off a giant 10kg chocolate egg that was the ultimate prize for a raffle draw. Truth be told, I never saw or tasted huge chocolate eggs or chicks till I was well into adulthood, mainly because there were none sold during those days. I could only read about them in Enid Blyton’s books and they sounded scrumptious.

The earliest memory of a chicken and egg experience was when I was seven. I remember my father coming back from a night market and telling me excitedly that he had seen this toy chicken that clucked, pushed a pram of chicks and laid eggs simultaneously. Talk about the female sex multi tasking even in those days.

The metal chicken was run by batteries and once activated it could go round and round or walked in a straight line. The way my father described the RM6.00 toy was as if it was the greatest invention that had finally landed in clockwork town.

The next day, my father brought me to the same peddler. I had to see it for myself and I knew I must have the chicken. My father said the chicken was too expensive and I could have a packet of ‘kuaci’ (dried melon seeds eaten as a snack) instead.  However, he went on to say that if I could secure any of the top three positions in the upcoming final exam, then the chicken would be mine. If I achieved the fourth or fifth position, then the reward would be a RM2 story book from Radin Bookstore on Jalan Rahmat in Batu Pahat. There would be no rewards for any other position after that.

Thinking back, what my father had inculcated in me was a semblance of delayed gratification. Delayed gratification is the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and to wait for a later and usually better reward. I was basically brought up to live within my means, to buy only with cash for all items except a house and a car, to buy first hand goods because they last longer and finally whatever I yearned for but could not afford was not necessary.

Interestingly enough, a growing body of literature has linked the ability to delay gratification to a host of other positive outcomes, including academic success, physical health, psychological health and social competence.

The Stanford Marshmallow experiment (1972) led by psychologist Walter Mischel found that children who were able to wait 15 minutes for two small rewards (a marshmallow and a pretzel or cookie) rather than taking one small reward (a marshmallow) immediately tended to have better life outcomes as measured by SAT scores, academic success, body mass index and other life measures. The ability to delay gratification also relates to other similar skills like patience, impulse control, determination and will power.

Yet, when I look around me now, I see scores of children and teenagers with I-phones, I-pads and the latest gizmos. The order of the day seems to be: ‘I want this, get it for me now’ and before long you will see doting parents or guardians rushing to buy the latest gadget in the market for the child even though his birthday is months away. The irony is some of these parents had an impoverished childhood themselves but not wanting to see the child suffer like they did, begin to over-indulge instead, and pander to the child’s every whim and fancy. I know a father who lives a simple life as a security guard with two good shirts but his son wears designer shirts and shoes.

To me, nothing beats the satisfaction of delayed gratification. Knowing that you want something very badly, working towards achieving it and finally getting it is great fulfilment. When someone buys something for you, you get a gift. When you work hard for a gift, you get character and a gift.

So I remember very well those evenings where I would just lie flat with my tummy on the linoleum covered floor for a good many hour and watch my chicken push her pram, lay eggs and cluck merrily in the process.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/the-rewards-of-delayed-gratification-1.249926

Badger and wisdom of the Serenity Prayer

When I drive along country roads what disturbs me most is seeing dead badgers, the victims of road-kill. Sometime it is a large badger and at other times it is a wee baby badger. As a lover of animals, both wild and tame, it breaks my heart to see the black and white fur of the lifeless body flying in the wind. So I went on to research about the badger and found a host of delightful information. Unlike most other animals that scamper away upon seeing an on-coming vehicle, the badger because of its primal instinct to defend chooses to fight the approaching enemy instead, in this case the approaching vehicle. Native American’s keynote description of the badger is aggressiveness and she is symbolic of bold self reliance and self expression. The badger’s other characteristics are confidence and wisdom. Because it is protective and defensive. folklore has it that when threatened the badger will bite and will not let go of its grip until it hears the victim’s bone snap. In short, the badger is a fighter. Like the badger, we are fighters. We all have what we call our personal battles and some will go to the death bed disgruntled, disappointed and unhappy because there is no closure to the battles. We have also encountered promises made and promises broken over and over again. Have you wondered why the battered wife keeps returning to the violent husband? Or why the husband keeps paying for his wife’s gambling debts? Not forgetting the countless times a parent has to cover up for his child’s errant ways by making excuses for him? We continue to fight, wishing that things will change and become better. We cling on to the hope that everything will be alright in the end and this can take many years of our lives until we have no more strength to fight anymore and our confidence and motivation begin to slowly slip away. A situation can be rebuilt or it can fall apart. Some things will change and become better, but some things will never change nor become better. We imagine that every person is a diamond in the rough. Some of us have been advised erroneously that overtime we can ‘change’ a person if we are patient and forgiving. But to me, we cannot change another person’s mindset or behaviour. Any change that needs to be done has to come from the person himself. This is where the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer comes in. This prayer by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr has been adopted by Alcoholic Anonymous and other twelve-step programmes used to address substance abuse and dependency problems. The best known form of the prayer is: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Ah, for that kind of wisdom. To accept the things I cannot change is to see things as they are and to act upon reality. When I accept the things that I cannot change, then only can I let go of the struggle and move on. I can decide what I want to do in that situation without being clouded by my own wishing for things that will not happen. This is like the badger that will fight until it is time to let go. Some things just will not work no matter how badly I wish them to. It has been often quoted that we cannot change the past but we can change the present. And the choices we make in the present will determine the outcome of the future. To change the things that I can change is to be able to make decisions about how I want to live: finding a new job, moving to another city, ending an unhealthy relationship or changing my own mindset are some examples. I enjoy Raymond Briggs’ hand drawn children’s literature because his drawings encapsulate life as it is with no trimmings. Instead of being pushed up against the wall when his wife Jean Taprell Clark was diagnosed as schizophrenic and died of leukaemia, he wrote movingly: "Schizophrenics are inspiring people. Her feelings about nature and experiences of life were very intense." This is perhaps an illustration of accepting what we cannot change and having the courage to let go. If something starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. It does not require blame or justification. Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/badger-and-wisdom-of-the-serenity-prayer-

IT'S HARD TO SAY I'M SORRY

We were in New York on vacation and as holidays go, before long we had to catch the plane back to Ireland. So we made our way to the subway station. There were five of us with ages ranging from 18 – 56. The 18 year old had conscientiously researched and studied the routes in and out of New York whether by subway or by bus. Reaching the subway station, she announced that we had to take the Uptown train to Jamaica station in order to get to the JFK airport. Protesting vehemently the 56 year old said that we had to take the Downtown train instead. Since it is not in Asian culture to argue with an older and usually more experienced person, the 18 year old kept quiet. We would probably be heading downtown if not for a helpful American who had been observing our perplexed looks and approached us. He said, ‘To go to JFK airport, you have to go uptown. Follow me, I’m heading that way myself.’ Just before we boarded the train, I heard the 56 year say in a strong voice to the 18 year old, ‘I owe you an apology….’. I thought that was pretty cool because I seldom hear of older people apologising to younger ones especially in a parent-child relationship. In fact I have never heard my parents apologising to any of their children even if they were in the wrong. Saying sorry seems to be the hardest thing to do. Why even Elton John recorded the song ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word’’ in 1976 and Chicago, an American rock group had a number one hit ballad in 1982 entitled ‘Hard to Say I’m Sorry’. When someone sincerely says he is sorry, I go all weak and immediately forgive the person. There is an almost instant release of a huge blockage in my soul and it is the first step towards mending the relationship. This is because I am the recipient of the apology, one of true remorse. Now the reverse is totally different when I have to apologise because it is admitting that I have made a mistake. The funny thing is we all know that we are not perfect and we make mistakes. Is it a sign of weakness when we apologise? Are we afraid that the other person may not accept our apology? Worse still, the person can accuse you of making a fake apology and there is no way you can convince him otherwise if he chooses to think so. There are also those who want you to remember the number of times you have apologised because they cannot remember if you had ever done so. There are those that feel that as long as they do not apologise they are not at fault. It is like the scene at a car accident where you have been advised not to admit that you are in the wrong even if you are the offender. Those who refuse to apologise prefer to stay in denial. They rationalise that if there is no admission of fault, then there is no need to take responsibility. You ‘lose’ if you apologise and you ‘win’ if the other person apologises. We hide behind a veneer of pride and because we lack empathy we have a hard time understanding another person’s feelings or viewpoint. Giving an apology is akin to baring the soul. We become vulnerable. Like many other learnt behaviour, apologising becomes easier through practice. When we say we are sorry, it shows that the person who has been hurt by our actions or remarks means something special to us. It means that you want to get over this obstacle that is impeding the progress of the relationship. It is being aware of your own shortcomings and taking responsibility for what you have done wrong. It is knowing that setting things right is far more important than feeling that you are right. While we wait to be convinced that we should apologise or we wait for the other person to apologise, the clock is ticking. It is the seconds, the minutes, the hours and the days that are lost while we are still nursing the hurt or struggling with our pride. I have known of people who wait for years for that apology and they are still waiting. The maxim ‘Do not let the sun go down with your anger’ is so true as how many sleepless nights are lost to those who lie on the bed fuming over callous words and who are still waiting for an apology. The sad part is that while we are still struggling to apologise, we may find the person gone the next day and we have missed out on the opportunity to say ‘I am sorry.’ Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/it-is-hard-to-say-i-am-sorry-1.231894